Today I found out through a friend that one of my “haters” from my old Instagram account (in the fragrance community) overdosed. Thankfully, he’s ok.
But, you know, I have to address something. One of the things that irritated me about most of my “haters” (although not him) over the years was how they would narcissistically place themselves as my equal in every way (or better) when it was only logical and honest to recognize that that simply was not the case, unfortunately.
Sorry, but I’m being blunt and brutally honest.
…One of them even literally described herself to me as an “alpha female”. …And, the young man I mentioned never did any of that. He hated me for deeper reasons that involved what he believed was geopolitical injustice. But I haven’t interacted with him for years… Again, I’m glad he’s ok.
But no, what really was draining was how you’d find people who were clearly in some form of real poverty or financial strain regardless of their income (often by their own admission), and/or who had little or poor education (in general) or at least less than I do (maybe a year or two of college at a small state school or a degree from a for-profit online university), had a bad background or no social status through their family or real connections (by their own admission if they were honest and/or, at times, based on what people said about them behind their backs), had far fewer followers than I had (and had little interaction from the followers that were real), who were at least ten to twenty years older and/or looked it (maybe a bit less at times), and who objectively weren’t as sophisticated, well-bred (“alpha” eventually sent me an emotionally violent and harassing text-message after I blocked her on Instagram to finally insist in a fit of deflated ego that she was well-bred, implied that I was nothing compared to her overall, that I had a horrible soul and that she’d “pray for me”, even though she’d previously been disarmingly honest by saying things to the contrary about her background), …well-read, intelligent, physically appealing or gifted…and (most annoyingly) who would shout at me.
Yes. They’d all shout.
They would shout at me about how we were best-friends, buddies or pals (some of them were actually kind of scary in reality and both I and others, including one of my closest male friends who I’ve previously mentioned, are always going to be on-guard for the sake of me and my entire family thanks to a few of them who proved at least somewhat dangerous). …Shout how we were sooo much alike (what happened most often). …And, in many cases, shout passive-aggressive insults with the firm belief that what they came up with was the most creative, original way to be mean that anyone had ever dreamed of (it wasn’t). And I think because I didn’t react enough to what they thought were brilliantly (*rolling eyes*) mischievous digs they came to the conclusion that I was emotionally tone-deaf. *laughing* It must never have occurred to them that I was just genuinely, and I mean truly, feeling bad for them most of the time that they shouted and that I was hoping they’d stop playing mental games and just talk about perfume with me in a normal, positive way (or go away). I really just loved perfume and wanted to enjoy it with others online.
Yet, all or most of those negative behaviors were done while they also copied me. Also, bizarrely, they often claimed or more likely hoped (passionately?) that I was lying about whatever they were jealous of (what it was varied from “hater” to “hater”) and yet they copied me all the same because they absolutely (and likely very depressingly for them) knew I wasn’t lying (or even just exaggerating). It was cognitive dissonance on their part (She’s honest and sincerely sweet and I want to even be her because I like her and admire her so much but I also can’t let her exist or be herself in my version of reality because it threatens me too much that I’m not her. And if they are honest, also: I’m too immature to handle that all well and/or rationally.)
There was one person (again the self-proclaimed “alpha female” – she was always one of the loudest) who thought she was so clever (she did think she was an “alpha female” after all) who’d insult people and glorify herself in subtext but then yell at you about how nice she was to you if you ever made her feel uncomfortable or even mildly confronted her (or she’d send private DMs or texts eventually because she had terrible boundaries and also often thought everyone was talking about her in some way). Or she’d be the first to twist your words or actions to make you look dumb or dishonest if she knew she couldn’t win with the truth. She trolled a lot of people almost constantly though and most of them noticed it despite what she probably believed. Actually, I’m sadly unclear on how in touch with reality she ever was in general… But, don’t think I wouldn’t contact authorities about her if she tried anything more (ever) or that I haven’t already alerted those who I needed to alert.
Yeah. It became sick and perverted.
Then, I reiterate, most of them (not just “alpha” but the other literal dozens) would try to compete with me using whatever they could piece together with lies, their own ignorance or embarrassing levels of self-delusional conceit… Subversively compete though. Never honestly. Always with self-congratulatory smugness. Because they were bullies. They were users. They were liars. And…many at least pretended to be politically progressive… *laughing* Oh the righteous! …Or was it nihilistic? Which is cooler at the current second?
I’d love to hear all of them try to sound as brilliant as the dear young man who I mentioned above did once in a DM to me back in 2014 about slavery in the 21st Century. Too bad they don’t copy him the way they copied me (over and over and over) to try to seem…like me (all while claiming or believing themselves to be my rival). And, of course, by copy him I mean in his goodness not his illness. He actually was progressive. And he actually had reality on his side, or at least a cogent set of beliefs and arguments.
I mean, it was all so blooming obvious. Still, they must have counted on their type of psychological abuse being common (to varying degrees that’s true), that I wouldn’t notice it consciously (I did but they narcissistically construed me purposefully ignoring it as a “lack of self-awareness” in some way or another), or they perhaps thought that there would be this groundswell of subversive hatred among my followers and ex-followers they could all tap into (somewhat humorously accurate because many – not all – of them knew each other, ironically). And if you unfollowed them they’d almost all get angry. You were supposed to like all their fuzzy pictures of food or dust or whatever they thought you should see *rolling eyes* while they ignored most of their followers (maybe with the exception of a few) and liked posts of boobs, butts, or boats instead. *laughing* Or they just posted and posted…and posted…and posted with no politeness. At least some of my “haters” were good at liking my posts in return and not solely post-bombing the feed for days or weeks without any intent to truly reciprocate…
Thankfully, not everyone in that online community is like that. Certainly not! And I adored those people and those accounts… And for years those people were the loudest… Then the zeitgeist of angst in the community got too loud (at least for my taste) and people’s genuine kindnesses and beauty weren’t what I could see or hear everyday when I logged in. Instead I heard bitter, competitive screeching and saw passionate insecurity. *ha* So, combined with safety concerns I deleted my account.
But, I swear I won’t write about that account again unless I absolutely have to write about it. It’s just that I put in years and years of effort and had so many good memories. It’s still hard for me to fully accept that it became unsustainable. *sigh and shrug* And I still feel sad when I think of the few haters over the years who likely were good people (like the man I mentioned) who had challenges that made them lash out or who hated me for (what I would argue) are non-narcissistic, legitimate reasons. And, I mean, some people just don’t like some people.