Today I was talking to my best friend about why it is that insecure or angry people with an axe to grind about something to do with hierarchies…be it class, physical appearances, or whatever, seem to often choose me to take all their pent-up hostility on. We talked about why it is that they decide to compete. We discussed why they basically use me to feel better, or at least try to. This happens to me in lots of places…
And, since my friend actually gives a flip about me, they didn’t have some self-promoting answer. No. They actually tried to help.
Remember how I said in my last post that I like my current class trajectory? I’m not terribly upset that I’ll likely (I suppose you can’t rule it out, but still…) never be a billionaire. I’m cool with who I am. But, that’s just my…way. I’m not pathetic, but I can be content with whatever blessings I have. I’m not one to strive or compete. I can be very intense, but I’m not actually a pushy person. I can be very sensitive and somewhat reserved (when I’m not writing) but I’m not insecure.
Anyway, I think some people see that gentleness and sweetness and think I’m vulnerable. And, in so far as I do tend to care more than most people do, I am. I’m resilient and determined but I do have a great deal of compassion naturally, and things affect me. As much as I prod along doggedly about class and how absurd things are…and I have lashed out…I’m not actually enjoying it. Not really. It has felt good to stand up for myself to bullies who I felt societal and group pressure to patronize and ignore for years…but I don’t like saying things that could hurt people in the areas where they’ve been unfairly bruised even a tiny bit.
This is why I had admiration for the hater I wrote about the other day. The one who overdosed. I’m not blind to the real inequalities that we all live with. I’m not blind to the real (not just self-imposed) suffering of other people.
So…why go after me? Because people don’t want to go after the people they’re actually afraid of. Why get angry when I start writing truth? Because if I become emotionally dangerous to bully…*shrug* well, there’s one less person who can be a distraction from dealing with problems in an effective way. Reality comes calling. *buzzing of a phone*
When you present a sweet image in the public-eye (to even a relatively small public) it’s endearing and a lot of people will love it, but…yes…you become vulnerable to any narcissistic tendencies in your audience, actual narcissistic people and, of course, clinical narcissists. You’re just waiting for a slap from somewhere to come flying toward your tender cheeks…
I wonder why people who are angry don’t go after people in their world who actually intimidate them. Not just the low-hanging ripe fruit. Laziness? Lack of intelligence? Lack of creativity? Mental illness? A personality disorder? Lack of confidence? Lack of self-love? *shrug* I dunno.
I mean…I can think of young ladies from high school who were so genuinely mean. And they had the sort of style and attitude and background that a lot of my bullies would have been both impressed by and…probably intimidated by. And, they knew how to “work it”. They were the Daisy-types from the Great Gatsby. They were…seemingly heartless. Almost everyone was in awe of them. And, even if you weren’t, you had to move out of their way or they’d bite you. Not literally, of course… I have never and could never be that. I get too involved. I get too affected. I get too attached to beauty or any real love…
No. I was the one trying to raise money for various charitable causes and running the literary society. I was the one playing my viola.
And…if my immediate family that I was raised in in everyday life had had the money then that we do now…I think I know at this point what would have happened. I’ve often wondered over the years. I would have skipped the liberal phase in college and my 20’s in general. I would have been…kind…but…I’d probably be holed away somewhere in academia. Hiding from people who hurt people like me as well as I possibly could. And if that didn’t work…I don’t know.
And that’s where I go forward.
I’ll be taking a break from this blog to attend to a few things in my life and I need to finish the reading I assigned myself. But I’ll break my quiet to share the emerald ring when it’s finished.