Awkwardly So…

You know, it’s my epiphany tonight that I’m an outlier. Only once in my life has it been said that I lack self-awareness and that was within the past year (although, as a caveat, that is a trendy insult these days *shrug*)… But, I think in a certain way I have lacked self-awareness in recent years.

How so? Well, I care about my well-being and the well-being of those I love, but I’m not terribly attached to status (I’m not competitive either). I love beauty but that’s different… And because of my love of beauty I do have collections… But, I’m really, really, really not one to worry about my status by nature. Really. Some other people I’m SURE think otherwise. And many of those other people are either wildly mistaken about a great many things in regard to me (likely always have been) or they’ve lied to themselves about me for some personal reason only they probably fully understand.

And that sounds good doesn’t it? I mean, it sounds good that I’m not attached to possessions (beyond for necessity and of course I believe in property rights) or status. Right? But the problem is I truly, truly, truly don’t “get” feeling differently. And beyond that, I sometimes forget that I’m an anomaly in that way. Most people do care about such things. I’m not sure why I don’t. I just don’t? *shrug*

So…when I get angry I get angry on principle (as in that’s actually why I’m angry not as in this is my excuse for secretly being what I say I’m not). I get upset when people lie, or try to be controlling, or try to “put you in your place” or “win” at the expense of the greater good or absolute truth. And I’ve been known to explain my social position to great length for the purpose of either trying to piss off people who I found obnoxious and/or deeply hurtful or to bring a reality check to those who seemed to be high on their own self-deception.

*clearing throat and smiling*

But…I do wonder if I’m too tough on people sometimes. Perhaps…I need to realize how unpleasant it must be to care about things I don’t care about that much. And that sounds condescending but it’s not meant to be. I just mean…if I did care about how people perceived me what would that look like and I should try to think of things from that perspective. Like, I do care in a way on principle because other people care and so I have to be aware of it and care to form relationships and etc., and it’s annoying and hurtful when people misunderstand me or try to insult me or etc. (obviously) but…I don’t care as much about being perceived as rich or beautiful or successful as most people.

If I did I would have done better in college (health issues notwithstanding). I would look different now and have looked different in the past. Very different. My whole life would totally be different. I’m sure I’d be nicer too. Not kinder or more caring or more honest. Certainly not more honest… But I’d be “nicer”. Ha! I’m sure people would like me more. And I mean truly like me not just…pretend to like me or…”like” me out of obligation of being a decent person who respects other decent people.


So…*shrug* I just wonder. *shaking head* If you’re reading this blog and you care about the fact that I “have more than you” or you’re hoping I “have less” or are relieved I “have less” (ha!)…umm…can you step away from that? Have you tried? If it’s too complicated to do, please know that I’m sorry if I’ve made it more painful to let go of. I meant to do the opposite but I doubt that worked… It’s just, as I’ve said for years (on this blog): If I don’t care and I “have more than you” why do you care? Oh wait…because you want more than others? Right. Darn. *laughing* But really though, would you be that much happier if you did? Relieved maybe? I can see relieved… But truly happy? I highly doubt it. *sigh* You’d just be mad at someone else (other than me) who “has more”. And we’d all still be the same people…just with different stuff. *shrug* That’s the rub.

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