People

Today I had a realization, sitting in a doctors office for bronchitis I’ve had for over a month, about just how intensely shallow most people are. I think because I was raised by deep people and I am that way myself, (sorry, but I’m being honest) I don’t fully grasp just how limited most people are in their ability to understand or appreciate people beyond the superficial.

Years back when I was a size 0 and looked objectively better people treated me better. Heck, before I got pregnant this last time people were kinder. I’m not heavy right now, but I’m at least average weight-wise and I can viscerally tell that people around my age or so aren’t as nice. They aren’t as respectful. I can only imagine how crappy they’d be if I was heavier or etc. Truly, after observing this for about a year now I can honestly tell a noticeable difference with just 40 lbs.

But…it gets worse (of course). Many adults older than I am or my age also used to be kinder up until I was about 24 when I finally left college for home permanently without completing the last year of college. I was seen as extremely intelligent all through school as I was in all the honors (and AP classes) and etc., etc. and I am actually that smart (my IQ has been tested). But, when I didn’t deliver with my Ivy League law school diploma, as was the long-term plan since I was about 10, I was seen as a disappointment. And I know some (certainly not all) of my relatives were embarrassed and/or appalled that I never finished my undergrad either. I was smart (I still am). How could I do or be anything of value or respect, it was likely thought, without the minimal amount of education required for an adult?

Of course…if I had become a successful lawyer and gotten married it would be harder to be the stay-at-home-mom I am now, and ironically people who find any amount of wealth threatening would hate me more. Or would they?

…If I was a super skinny blond with an Ivy-League diploma making over $250,000.00 (totally on my own) would people shut up more? Would they keep their egos in check and try to give a shit about my humanity beyond how it directly affects them? Would I be more lovable? I’d certainly be more intimidating. None of the jerks who have tried to compete with me, to the death and beyond as I am now would have done that if I’d become what I was “supposed to be”. Why? Because they would have been too impressed. I remember what those sort of people were like before… Very well.

*sigh*

Yeah. People like easy answers. They like what’s obvious. They like what’s right uin front of their faces. I don’t necessarily blame them, but life’s incredibly complicated and so are people.

Not everyone wants to a princess… And, at the same time, not everyone can be one. Still, some people are. I’m not royalty. Are you?

…On World Mental Health Day let’s remember that people are extraordinary. Even the painfully shallow among us are amazing just by virtue of being human. It’d be nice if they could look beyond the surface, but maybe that’s not safe for them. Maybe it’s too hard. And I say that seriously and without condescension.

…I do plan to eventually finish my higher education, and maybe even earn a PhD ideally, but it’s not my priority right now. I’m too genuinely busy raising two young kids and being a wife. When my kids grow older I’ll attend to my own education… Call that backward, but it’s the best right now. Anyway, I will cross my t’s and dot my i’s intellectually, eventually. Maybe I’ll even get an Ivy League diploma… *forced grin* Of course, the people who were most disappointed and judgmental will be too aged then to care that much most likely, but maybe not.

I’ll lose my “baby weight” again too. But, this time…I’m not going to give a rip on a personal level, on a friendship level, about the people who I suspect like me better that way. Those sort of people are worthy of love, but I want to grow closer to people who try not to be limited and lorded-over by the passing fancies of life. Ironically, those are often the most genuinely beautiful people inside and out. Truly.

*sigh*

Part of my blog, going forward, will be about style and beauty. But, please try to read my tone on a deep level. After all, personal beauty and style are about us being as valuable as we inherently are. It’s not about proving things to other people who want to place us on some hierarchy to better their ego or worship us/accept us. (I’m telling myself that.) It’s ideally about expressing what’s inside of us, in our souls, on the outside. Sometimes that’s not pretty, but I think everyone has something objectively beautiful or interesting to show the world about who they are. Some people may be more objectively attractive and/or beautiful than others physically to start with, but it’s what’s in our souls that makes whatever beauty we have truly shine. Not necessarily “stand-out” but…sparkle and bring true joy to behold.

More later.

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