Quack Quack

So, as I write this it’s 4:42 AM and I’m wide awake. I still have children young enough to wake me up in the night and need food. I woke up to feed them and now I’m stuck awake. Usually I can go back to sleep but on occasion I cannot. Perhaps tonight I’m too anxious from thinking about making Thanksgiving dinner in a few hours. In particular I’m probably nervous about cooking the duck.

I made duck last year from a recipe I found in an old classic cookbook. It was good, but I want to do better and this year I’m experimenting with a recipe I found online. We’ll see how it turns out. If it’s delicious I’ll post a link and take photos later.

I’m also thinking about my life and my choices. Namely how I decided to study in Wales at a university (and was officially accepted in) but didn’t go. At the time I hadn’t received much inheritance at all yet and so I was trying to finance it through loans (I unfortunately did not have any savings) and the loan company messed-up my loan application. The random person I spoke to on the phone didn’t have much knowledge about international study and so they advised me to take out the wrong loan. By the time I figured out the problem it was winter and I had already started working at a coffee shop to try to save money to go the next fall. And, I’d met my husband.

And you know…even if we’d broken-up I wouldn’t necessarily (I’ve written about this before) have gone. I was so gun-shy at that point about many things in life that I might have just gone to one of the Catholic colleges nearby (one in particular had not officially accepted me but I’d interviewed with them in person and they had all but guaranteed it). I just longed to have calm in my life and doing something useful but less scary than attending school abroad seemed…desirable. Or maybe I would have felt so angsty after breaking-up I would have pushed myself to go to Wales. I’ve gone back and forth on my opinion of this hypothetical question a few times over the years and right now I’m pondering it.

Then I think of the beautiful new snow outside. I cannot fully describe to you how romantic snow becomes after growing-up in Minnesota.

Also: Gated communities. Yeah, I know. They sound super posh. But actually, there’s a gated community nearby that has houses that look nice but aren’t any more expensive than a lot of other nice areas around here. Some of the homes even look less posh and also cost less than what you’d find elsewhere. I think moving there is really more about the sub-culture of that community than the initial cost.

The thing is we could theoretically move there in a few years. Of course, my husband finds the idea putrid and I…feel confused. I love the city where we live now and that’ll likely be our home permanently (from how it seems now) but…the idea of lots of privacy and perhaps slightly cleaner air sounds appealing. That being said, there are different kinds of privacy and I’m more a fan of being part of the crowd and just blending in than having lots of neighbors who are perhaps a bit too aware of your daily life in ways that are uncomfortable and potentially even scary, all while being private from “everyone else”. Maybe I might change my mind. Maybe not.

I like our neighbors now though. We were offered raspberry bushes the other day (in the spring) and one neighbor has been so kind with things like helping us rake leaves and by using his snowblower to clear our sidewalk after bit snows. And we all keep an eye out for each other it seems (to some degree) but it doesn’t feel claustrophobic.

Who knows though. Would you live in a gated community? Do you? They really get a bad rap don’t they…

So, now it’s 5:14 AM. I’ll try to sleep but if not I’ll have a long but pleasant day ahead of me.

More later.

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