Honesty

Riffing on my last post I have say that I think a lot of people have a problem with honesty.

I have often made a comment like: “I’m not great at math but I know that 2 + 2 + 2 = 6.” And then someone who’s feeling hateful reads that and decides I can’t possibly even be that good at math (sounds like hyperbole but it’s painfully not) and I must just have copied that equation from someone. Or they conclude some other trope of self-delusion and self-soothing. And sadly they then often project their own lack of self-awareness, conceit, deep insecurity and putrid arrogance on me. They assume my former statement is that of a bubble-headed bimbo who woke up this morning and realized for the first time ever that I’m not a god. There are so many other flaws they’ve imagined I must have or ones I do have that they’ve exaggerated in their minds out of boredom and pain but at least this is something for them to openly play with since I admit to it! It’s Christmas morning for them!

“OMG! Maybe she’ll finally grow-up now and stop being such a child and be a grown-up like meeee!” they think to themselves with perverse joy. “And maybe she’ll stop thinking she’s so damn important when she’s totally not.” *closes eyes and repeats rhythmically* “SHE’S TOTALLY NOT! SHE’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!” Then in a normal voice to themselves, “I mean, I could be important someday, but not her. I’m the one that’s supposed to be important. Meeee! Meee!!!!!! Meee!!!!”

And then suddenly, despite their actual very poor self-esteem, they believe they’re magically profound. Truly loving and incredibly important! And goodness, they must be a bit better at math than I am too. Right?! Perhaps, given their (now realized) beautiful love for others and innate brilliance they should just “help me” with math. It would certainly make what they hope is true more real and make their self-loathing and rage feel more like wisdom and maturity.

“Sweetie, I know this is hard for you to understand (because you’re retarded as fuck *self-satisfied laugh*), but umm 2 + 2 = 4.” They smile kindly. “I think you missed that in your equation. Try the simple stuff first and then someday you’ll get there too. Just believe in yourself!” *beautiful toothy grin*

But then their painful insecurity (and reality) grips at their chilly heart and they think to themselves, “What if I missed something?! What if she’s smarter than I think. But, I mean, I’m so gross she’s definitely going to see through meeee!!”

I’m not a math expert. I have struggles with math sometimes too.” They awkwardly add.

It’s absurd, sick and obnoxious.

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