Also… It’s Not “Nice”

Years ago I was friends with a gentleman who admonished me seemingly sincerely, “You can be so patronizing at times.” The thing is I care about people and try to be kind and sometimes it’s easy for me to become patronizing if I’m not careful. If ghosts exist I look forward to being one someday (in the distant future) purely because I might enjoy watching people being themselves. Not in a creepy way, but just because people are intriguing.

But here’s to being more “real”:

In order to join Mensa you are required to have an IQ of 132. 100 is average. In college I had my IQ tested by a psychologist because she believed I had undiagnosed ADD. She told me quite seriously, “I think you’re smart enough to be President of the United States. Let’s take the test to prove it.” And for Trump haters that was in 2006.

Well…since then I’ve been told that when you take an IQ test under duress it can negatively affect your score. At that time I was under a lot of duress. Actually, that same psychologist also did diagnose me with both (untreated) PTSD and ADD at the time I took the test.

…The verbal portion of my IQ test with a margin of error was in the high 120’s. I highly suspect that given the test when I wasn’t struggling as much emotionally I’d likely be in the 130’s. And, I believe that’s what the margin of error is supposed to partially account for? So, verbally I’m basically a literal genius. I started talking at five months and reading at age two.

My overall IQ score would have been the same as the verbal portion except…well…for the same reason I was diagnosed with PTSD I struggle with math (not all logic though mind you). I was getting straight A’s in math and I was in honors and AP science classes but then I had a “Me Too” moment in high school happen to me in algebra and I almost entirely lost my ability to concentrate in Math after that, although I “got by”. “Do you have a math phobia!?” the psychologist analyzing my IQ results wondered. She couldn’t believe or make sense of my math score. But yeah, I might actually have a real math phobia, in a way. *grimmace*

These might sound like excuses to people who are fond of abusing reasons or who are looking for a way to “take me down a peg” but actually, yeah, I’m pretty much an actual genius. My tested IQ from that time is still considered unusually bright (top 15% to 10%) but I suspect I’m actually a bit weirder than that kiddos. And my math genius husband has reassured me that I’m at least above average, if not gifted, at math too.

However, no I’m not at all autistic if that’s what you’re you were hoping at this point. *rolling eyes* I have a good “eq” too. But I’m sorry, sometimes people who are unusually smart can be…”awkward”. Especially if they’re not raised to see themselves as gifted. And if you have ADD, well that’s even worse, of course.

“Why is Alex making fun of me?!” Well, sweets because you got an A on the test and he didn’t. Like so many other people with differences that society doesn’t automatically approve of, if you find that you’re somehow different than other people and your parents don’t necessarily explain much about it (or know themselves) then God help you. People will almost never have enough grace to explain anything to you about that part of life in an honest or caring way. You’ll have to go around pissing everyone off until you figure it out for yourself. Sometimes dangerously so. *chuckle* …But truly, if you’re a child and not a narcissist in the making why wouldn’t you assume you somehow prompted people’s anger when it’s directed at you? You wouldn’t. So…it’s just kind of…shit. Being a gifted and empathetic adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, although it’s still a genuine blessing. But, if we’re being honest: Life is hard for everyone in some way, at least. Everyone.

Actually though, in my late 40’s I intend to finally prove all the shady-ass, jealous folks wrong by finishing my PhD. Well. Although, some of those individuals might struggle with accepting reality so perhaps they’ll just keep being delusional. *shrug*

Delusional? Umm. Yeah. Delusional. It’s delusional to think I’m not unusually intellectually gifted. Or you’re just accidentally wrong. Or you’re just not very bright yourself but are too conceited to accept that. …Perhaps you do know and when someone threatens you you tend to start projecting??

*shrug*

Oh. And yeah… I got really tired of being “nice” a couple of years ago? Yeah. A couple of years ago… I’ve almost stopped caring about being “awkward” too.

Now, don’t mistake me. I’m not often intentionally trying to be mean. Actually, I’m not sure I’m ever trying to be mean. But I can be blunt on occasion. AND sometimes I get tired of constantly holding myself back.

Holding back? Yes. Like, “don’t tell people your finances or they’ll think you’re lying or showing off”. Why do you have to play people like that? Why can’t you just say it like it is? I mean, I get that it’s “nice” but sometimes people don’t deserve “nice” and it’s not even authentically respectful anyway. I’m not here to babysit your ego kiddos or totally patronize you. I exist. So do you. And honey, we’re two separate people.

No, don’t read this blog expecting me to be “nice”. And again, if you can’t figure out what the fuck I’m talking about sometimes or if it takes you a half an hour to read some of my posts please just…step back. I write for fun and to express myself. If it’s not fun for you to read my posts then don’t read them. And don’t try to skim through only to get so damn lost that you start drawing erroneous conclusions based on your insecurities.

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