Regrets

After rereading a Facebook message I sent someone back in April of 2016 I realize that with time our moments of raw truth become the moments we are most thankful for. At least that’s true for me. And time can be a friend in that it occasionally volunteers real insight. Healing insight actually.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve been given lately is to trust my sense about things more. And tonight I’m realizing that I probably really hurt the young man I wrote about recently. And it makes me feel terrible. The one who might have wanted jealousy from me, by the way. I’ll call him “Mr. Naval Intelligence” because he told me that was his dream once.

I think he probably felt rejected for somewhat understandable reasons but didn’t say that and then instead openly rejected me first without asking any questions. He might easily have just assumed one of the worst case scenarios about me he suspected could be true and then acted on it. …Somewhat cruelly rejected me actually. And in that cruelty was possibly an attempt to provoke an unguarded emotional response from me. To start an honest conversation? A fight? Or he wanted to get revenge…and he certainly got it indeed. Ha!

But…I had it in my mind that I had to ignore however painful he was being. It seemed, at the time, like I’d be bothering him if he knew how I really felt. It seemed like he’d just think I was very uncool. “Never get attached.” was basically the advice someone gave me in regard to how to romance men. Well, don’t let them think you’re attached anyway. Hide your true feelings from them or risk seeming weak and worse: too deep. I trusted him at first but I didn’t know then what I know now about romantic relationships and I messed-up. But he might have messed up too. Lied even more. I don’t know. …I don’t know.

But I should have been honest. Open. And he might still have been cruel but I wouldn’t regret not telling him the truth.

I was starting to fall in love with him. He may have been starting to feel the same. We might not have been meant to be together and Mark and I really have done lots of work on our marriage but *shaking head* don’t think that when Mark seems too distant or I see other cracks in our marriage I don’t worry. *shrug* And I think admitting that is just being real. Maybe someday I won’t worry anymore about any of those sort of errors. That’s what I dearly want in marriage. I hope we get there.

But…everyone has choices and I have to hope in regard to the most important things that it all works out. That we all eventually find true love.

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