Exhausted…

So I’ve maintained a slight presence on Instagram to enjoy the beautiful photos of others and to be on Instagram in general. And occasionally I’ve liked people’s posts. Liked their posts… Other times followed them. …And instead of taking that at face value as it’s meant some seem to take it a million different directions and most of them negative. Some even seem to think I’m attacking them, which baffles me as I’m simply liking their posts (or following them)… If liking a post is hateful to them I’m at a loss as to how they view or viewed almost anything. That just seems totally upside down. I can see misunderstanding some things but that…that’s sick.

Others seem to understand I mean it kindly and innocently when I follow people or randomly like their posts and I find that hopeful because that’s all it means. Or has ever meant. At least from me. Maybe others do like posts or follow people for manipulative reasons and I can try to imagine those sort of reasons (I’ve experienced them) but I never have or will do that. The most passive and possibly manipulative thing I’ve done is “call people bourgeois” who I suspected were reading my blog. Or explain or give examples of my background both here and on Instagram… But again, I didn’t think most people would think it was them I was labeling bourgeois or trying to aggravate unless they were truly “guilty”. So, naïvely I didn’t think most people in the perfume community would even think it was about them… Just the dozen or so people I was being bullied by or had been bullied by who I suspected were likely reading this blog. …Maybe I thought most people were less bourgeois than they do or did consider themselves? *laugh* I don’t know. Or maybe more of you were trying to bully me than I fully recognized. *laugh* That’s pathetic if it’s true… It’s all been very weird, surprising and disheartening at times actually. And to be more clear: I’ve never liked people’s posts or etc. to attract them to this blog to “yell at them”. Ever. Ever. I’m realizing at least some of you must think that…

To also clarify: I do use and (hopefully at least sort of genuinely) understand symbolism, subtlety and subtext but I use it sparingly as I don’t like to confuse people. I like to be clear with what I’m trying to communicate. Nuance is often there but…not in a manipulative or hateful way. Nuance is different than subtext though…

So, now addressing those of you who seem to think my likes mean anything other than innocent likes on Instagram (or elsewhere): 1. I never copied anyone. Or am copying anyone. I have read the work of skilled and expert perfume reviewers and posts on Frangrantica.com or on online company sites like Chanel.com (I’ve cited them almost all as far I know) over the years and been influenced by them (No more than you would be by a dictionary or encyclopedia however. My reviews were always my interpretations. I used words like drydown and read many sources to discover new perfumes to try but I didn’t think that was anything more than a commonplace buzzword in perfumery and I don’t think I’ve ever done investigating in an inappropriate or copying-way whatsoever.). At times I’ve taken French Film recommendations on Instagram as I don’t know a lot about French Film and would like to, but I do not copy people in general and haven’t. No, but people have copied me… And it was at times genuinely mentally ill and other times either bizarre or passive aggressive when they did so and do so. If you have to accuse me of copying you you’ve probably twisted what is happening or did happen out of spite or embarrassment. It’s a little too odd that I’ve been talking about how people have copied me for years and then people want to accuse me of that? Please. You’re just trying to be mean whether you realize it or not. Sorry. 2. I’m a pretty honest person. If my honesty has been hurtful I’ve already apologized many times and again: I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’ve explained myself many times too as to why I chose to be so blunt about certain things. At times I’ve even called myself crass to hint at the fact that I’m aware of social protocol but I’m and was so deeply frustrated that I don’t entirely care. If you don’t grasp what happened on Instagram or my blog perhaps, at this point, it’s because you either don’t read English very well or you don’t want to see my perspective almost at all? Sorry. 3. If I’ve liked your posts in the last year to year and a half the chances I was ever annoyed or frustrated by you (previous to your recent attacks) are almost zero. Therefore, whatever I wrote about never had anything to do with you. If you think we’re fighting or ever were fighting it’s (perhaps unfortunately) in your head and always has been. I don’t think I ever even knew you had “an issue” with me until you apparently assumed I was writing about you and attacked me (probably somewhat relatively recently). (Maybe I could sense tension with some people whose posts I’ve liked or etc. in the last year but it was always unclear what was really going on and I likely ignored it if they didn’t seem genuinely hateful because I assumed they likely meant well one way or another.)

…But again, perhaps some people like posts to “attract” attention one way or another? Hmm… Yeah, that isn’t something I would ever do or have done. I’m not passive aggressive. (I did block people out of fear for my safety over a year ago but that is something I don’t think I can or should openly discuss in its entirety on my blog. And I’m again sorry if that hurt any of you. I was very unsure who was safe on Instagram to be in contact with.) …And the only reason I don’t tell all of you all (this is to more than one person who’s posts I’ve liked or etc.) all of this directly is because of plausible deniability. I don’t want to embarrass myself or you if I’m simply misunderstanding you… I don’t want to seem crazy (I see that mostly metaphorical gun at my head though as I write that). I don’t want to make you feel attacked. It’s evil if you’re taking advantage of that plausible deniability to attack me and then turning around and acting like I’m passive for not confronting you… Really, it’s wrong to take advantage of that plausible deniability regardless.

But really, if you’re reading this and “hate me” I’m baffled as to why you don’t realize that you’re likely the one with “the problem”. You really shouldn’t still be reading my blog if you hate me. At all.

I’d really like to move on. I’ve apologized and explained myself. Over and over again. *shrug* And so, for the last time: I’m done trying to interpret what’s going on in all of your minds and hearts. None of you have ever seemingly tried to be even remotely as clear as I’ve tried to be. Over years. Over and over. …And I say interpret because, again, I’m not getting a clear message at all. One minute I’m being told I’m an idiot and the next I’m too smart and my head is in the clouds. By the same person sometimes. Then I’m an insignificant peasant with no status to one person who seems to act like they’re speaking some overall opinion people have of me only to be implied to be a perversely privileged, snobby, rich fool the next by some other person who seems equally sure of the correctness of their opinion. Sometimes I’m depicted as too unaware and other times as too aware. Some turn all of the passive aggressive, often mentally abusive hatred around in a knot and act like I’m insane for even noticing it at all. “It’s narcissistic to take notice of my real passive aggressive insults.” they seemingly imply with a tone of great authority and righteous anger.

And what’s genuinely sad is that I don’t think more than two or three people have almost ever communicated anything (even passively/sub-textually) kind or aware of what I was actually ever trying to ever express (that I know of). The original bullying that triggered the polite but apparently deeply upsetting posts about social class and background? Possibly because a lot of my “haters” have imagined as real conversations or exchanges on Instagram that we’ve actually never had in reality? Or they can’t believe people don’t feel infinitely sorry they aren’t all as privileged as literal kings and queens. It’s a tragedy they don’t have a kingdom(s) and a castle? And being called bourgeois or middle-class is the unforgivable sin?!? Really? Wow. Even more than ugly or stupid? Because I have a feeling if I’d called people ugly, stupid, an old lady or trash on my blog I’d still be an at least fairly popular Instagrammer in the perfume community. What if I’d found someone else to gang up on and I’d joined you all to attack that person? Would that have been less abhorrent to some of you? You know, if I actually acted like a real “ mean girl” instead of being myself and just openly “calling out” bourgeois people by calling them bourgeois? You do realize that a bourgeois person is just mostly someone who is overly concerned with trivial matters that tend to be less than empathetic or high-minded, but are very middle class (albeit often in a pejorative way) and they tend to be heavily invested in some sort of social climbing? Yes, if you’re bourgeois it means you’re probably a heck of a lot more privileged than most of the entire world. Yeah. You’re mad I’m supposedly calling you rich by world standards and not Western standards? Because that’s what it is. For real. And you’re the good-hearted, reasonable, sane and decent ones? The sophisticated ones?! The ones deserving inexhaustible amounts of empathy and pity? Wow!! Ok Karen (and that goes for you wherever you’re from, whatever gender you are, and etc.). I think, for starters, that you’re mistaking imbecilic amounts of pettiness, a high school level of emotional cruelty and self congratulating, blind obsession (with being called bourgeois?) for sophistication and worldliness.

It never ceases to amaze me how ridiculous some of you apparently can be. Sorry…

…And if you’re in genuine poverty why in the world were you often competing with me to seem richer than I was? Because apparently you were? But which one? It’s not fair to play off people’s empathy like that while also trying to “take them down”. First you’re a genuine victim of “the system” and then you’re my social and/or economic equal or “better” based on the same structures? *shaking head* That doesn’t make any sense. It never did. You can’t be both well bred and totally fabulous while also being at least somewhat impoverished, from a very bad neighborhood and/or have many “ignorant” and “backward” family members and friends. Even if people aren’t and weren’t all this extreme people who kept attacking me had narratives that were often totally ludicrous… I guess I was supposed to have read all of your minds?

…And if you’re in genuine poverty but you loved perfume and joined the community to enjoy yourself and didn’t compete with me or try to hurt me I’m sorry. Truly. You deserve to be so much more popular and respected than you probably are given the way things work on Instagram. You’re the true perfume connoisseurs. You’re the ones there for real, meaningful reasons. Not to show off. Many of you very rarely posted any perfume but if/when you did it seemed sincere. Your few bottles were wisely chosen and admirable. And you’re not the ones who ever attacked me. I don’t care about your background as nobody who’s worth a damn as a friend or acquaintance would, of course. I just wish I’d gotten to know you all more as perfume friends or acquaintances if you were trustworthy people, because if you were then you were some of the only genuine people in the whole community. I’m sorry.

No, speaking to all of you reading this again: I honestly don’t understand people’s unending anger about issues of class as it’s directed at me in particular. Especially not if I’m “calling you out” after years of being bullied and copied almost everyday by someone else or actually by you? Often seemingly because people were bothered by me for reasons of class? Yeah. There’s a reason I chose that line of reasoning to openly discuss on my blog… No, truthfully though I think a lot of you who are hateful just aren’t sorry you ever bullied or hurt me in the first place (if you did) or that anyone else did either as sadly you identify more with their hatred and rage than any of my frustrations. Some of you would probably love to insult me or belittle or harass me or compete with me over and over and over and over again (*sarcastic sigh of bliss*) or watch someone else do it. It makes you feel good in a sick and totally demented way to be mean to me or see someone else do it. Even cheer them on. You feel bizarrely entitled and justified to be terrible. Do you giggle like a maniacal mean girl behind my back too? Aww. How cute. How edgy!! You’re so the cool kids now! You finally made it!!! (Note sarcasm.). Except I don’t and never did deserve it… I’m not the jerk who took all the jobs to impoverished countries away from the middle-class in the US. I’m not the toxic loser who teased you in high school. You do realize that? Right?! Except now that’s all your hatred. All of it. No one else’s. (I’m still perhaps incorrectly assuming at least some of you have depth and maturity beyond your ability to get dressed, eat, breathe, buy perfume and take photos of it for Instagram. Well, and read this blog apparently?!? …So bizarre. Truly.)

It was about 12 or so people who I thought were reading my blog who I intended to address… People who were clearly being jerks to me. Not hundreds. Not thousands. Not the whole perfume community?! And why not look up the definition of the word bourgeois before you attack my character for years and try to make my life truly miserable?! Because I wounded your poor-privileged ego? Aww. Poor you… Or not?! No, no, no! No, poor “rich jerks” who pretend to be poor to con lots of people and get free samples (now everyone I ever gave samples to will think I think they took advantage of me but they’re all seemingly long gone from being truly friendly anyway so oh well I guess) Or no?! No! That’s not even good enough is it? No, no, no!! Poor upper-class jerks with super elite friends and family who all love insulting people like me who rail against bourgeois attitudes and claim to be in the upper-middle class from an least somewhat privileged family…on their blog?!?! Yes, elite people would find it offensive to not be properly worshipped by an upper-middle class person on that person’s blog. That’s what the rumors say anyway… Elite people are all like that… Barely human. ??? So, why didn’t you just snap a quick pic with Putin or Obama or Trump or maybe Beyoncé or some other A-list celebrity and send me into horrible weeping due to painful insecurity. (By the way: meeting someone famous at an event or for business once or twice does not count honey. Sorry. A lot of people meet celebrities once or twice for minutes. A lot. And I mean a lot. But awesome try. *huge eye roll*) I’ll be clear if sarcasm alludes you: no, I would have thought it was cool if you actually had real celebrity friends or acquaintances (Or maybe had lunch with people or dinner? *ahem* Something indicating a moment of possible actual human connection. You know, something beyond when you imagined they were in love with you when they looked you in the eye for a second too long.) Because I accept and celebrate people of all backgrounds who aren’t assholes to me. Sorry I offended you by calling you too competitive and middle class (although many are apparently). You’re entitled to enormous amounts of adoration (mostly for the one time you met George Clooney at a Walmart book signing)?

But indeed, some people likely imagined fights that don’t exist except for in their minds. Projected negative feelings on me or assumed them from the start? For reasons I’ve never known for sure. Sorry, I am an empathetic person but it’s absurd at this point to try to read all of the wildly (almost humorously) conflicting and obscure subtextual and hidden snobbery and attempted insults and jabs laced with mild clues and insights (to your truths) from all of you and etc.. Totally absurd. To try to figure out who the hell most of you even really are is almost impossible. Why you were all so passionate in your hate? And of course I don’t expect an apology from any of you… I wonder why?

And again, I say for once and for all to my haters: Adieu.

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