Unfortunately

I woke up this morning thinking about my family in general. Not in relation to this blog or my Instagram account. But eventually I also was pondering the many issues with social media…

Basically, I’d like to explain something I don’t think has been clear: I torched my own original account on Instagram myself.

I became tired of being forced to ignore negative people and felt that even though I enjoyed a great many people who were not often anything but pleasant the overall experience on Instagram wasn’t worth it to continue on as is. And eventually I became literally scared for my safety and then it really wasn’t worth it and I deleted my original account.

So, yes. I shared what I did about my family (in a flippant tone but honestly) to offend bullies who seemingly wanted to make Instagram one giant competition, and I worried it might offend some people who could interpret my words the wrong way or miss my tone (which ended up being almost everyone). I don’t think I’ve ever shared that last part before.

I did worry I would offend people… Or I thought people would try to poke holes in what I was saying. And if you read my original post I even say all of that to some extent. But…I didn’t think that many people would care. And, ironically, I underestimated how accurate what I wrote was.

I’ve realized this morning that I did maybe have a few passing worries about it all going badly but…the negative cloud created by people who were wrong…had become so loud and pushy that I think I just didn’t care entirely if I lost my account to the hatred. Even after all those years. I quickly reasoned that that wasn’t likely to happen because I thought people were overall less hateful or unhappy than they might be, but I was wrong and those fears are and were correct.

Still, I was just over it. Instagram had become almost impossible to enjoy. Monotonous, dreary and seemingly lacking almost any real friendships that would ever transcend social media. I thought that the people who might be real friends would understand eventually anyway hopefully… They probably didn’t.

The thing is, I was and am polite and I tried to be appropriate with what I shared about my blessings. But how does one engage with others about blessings, which is what Instagram and social media is almost entirely about, without people figuring out who is who and what is what? You can’t. Even if you’re polite it becomes evident after a while… The only way to avoid it is to almost not interact at all. But people find that off-putting too and then that falls apart eventually and etc. etc.

Some people might try to display wealth to varying degrees intentionally in a loud way to distance themselves from the masses and look obviously part of the upper class… But…that’s crass. And often people who do that are hiding a lack of wealth or something akin to it. …Yet, the thing is, if you don’t show enough status people who want to be superior seemingly tell themselves you’re beneath them or have more in common with them than you do. And they either believe their own misunderstandings (probably all of them in life) with passion or they have too much invested in their beliefs to handle or seriously consider anything contrarian.

Is it a problem to have people believe you’re their equal? No, I believe we all are equals in God’s eyes. But equal is a very complex word from a human perspective. Isn’t it? Because humans aren’t perfect and we can’t heal all wounds. We are often inherently unequal given the limitations of our mortal and dim contexts.

So…what is goodness can be twisted by those who take advantage of vulnerabilities. Laying down your sword is good but it makes you vulnerable.

I was vulnerable. And some people took advantage of that. Of me. Of my kindness and maturity and depth and sweetness. Of the fact that I don’t like complimenting myself. …And I treated them kindly as social equals. Out of decency and respect and common sense… Out of logic. Because that’s what people do if they’re mature adults. Right?

And those who who wanted to to told themselves lies if they felt insecure. Lies that ultimately became harder for them to believe over time. And while perceived equality is possibly grand and beautiful if we’re all well-intentioned for those who are trying to be your enemy it’s a weapon they use against you. “Oh! She talks too much about her family wealth.” someone said long before I shared anything openly on this blog (or so someone told me privately who overheard the conversation). …Or really almost at all on Instagram… Because what were they referencing?! Two posts. Two posts among literally thousands of posts at that time which mainly were comprised of photos of perfume. But people took great notice of those two stupid posts… Or was it more? Until 2017 I don’t think it was…

But it was Instagram and you can’t exist on social media without being scrutinized by people who often aren’t thinking truly empathetically or deeply. And unfortunately there’s been a perfect storm of people being so used up emotionally by the media in general combined with untreated societal ills of all sorts that most people tend more towards darkness. A darkness that can be suspicion or lack of hope. A darkness that can be deeply felt and held in some.

Anyway. Goodbye to all who aren’t subscribed. This will be my last public post. I could go on and on and on, but I can’t really. And I won’t.

Read Ulysses. Read the Bible.

And that is all.

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