On Marriage

My husband and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary. We’re still technically married but we separated a few months back for good (almost definitely) and it feels permanent this time. I’m not sure if we’ll ever divorce or not. To be honest he doesn’t want to. I’ve wanted to but then I’m convinced not to and this time I’m just “letting go of it” in a way that works… Let me explain.

First, the thing is we are actual close friends and we have two kids together. We really do love each other deeply as people.

My “husband” started our relationship telling me that he was going to sleep with other women and that I’d just have to deal with that, but that he’d not lie about it and he wanted to keep seeing me. Eventually he started to fall in love, I got tired of sharing him, especially with women who hated and attacked me passively and otherwise and so told him I’d stop seeing him if he didn’t become totally monogamous. He was shocked, but he agreed.

Eventually he lost interest in anyone else and we got married because I thought we were deeply in love and could work everything out that still troubled us over time. Turns out we didn’t quite match. I was deeply in love and he was in love.

He loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone else but it’s always been a bit one-sided in the sense that my love for him was more than I’ve loved anyone else and I’ve actually loved other men whereas he’s never loved another woman. He doesn’t fall in love easily. At all. He used to be even a bit cutthroat about it…

I think sex and romance are impossible to separate. I know plenty of people who would disagree with me but I think they’re together and while some might not experience them both that doesn’t mean they objectively are separate. Some people don’t experience every aspect of a situation and that doesn’t mean those aspects don’t exist.

My husband’s years of being a playboy with lots of partners and his honesty with me about those experiences is part of what led me to the above understanding. It was once his dream to be a writer like Tucker Max as he admired him. He even met him once and got his autograph. But despite what you might think my “husband” would not disagree with the previous paragraph.

Anyway, we’re friends. Real friends. And maybe someday I’ll remarry. Maybe someday my “husband” will. Neither of us are in a hurry as we have kids to raise together and we’re both hesitant for our own different reasons.

When we die, hopefully many decades from now, we both suspect we’ll be more like best friends or like siblings than anything else. I hope we’ll both meet our soulmates in the afterlife…if we don’t miraculously find them while we’re alive. Loving my “husband” the way I do I might even try to help him find this woman. Without jealousy (honestly) I have to say she better deserve him.

…But yeah. It’s a Millenial relationship. Some Millenials don’t get married for a myriad of reasons but are in love. It’s common. We’re married but not together. Haha. We support each other. We care for each other. We’re legally married and it didn’t start out this way but…it’s evolved into this finally. I can’t say it’s the life I wanted or want at all in regard to a relationship romantically but it’s what works right now. And unlike certain previous generations I will not name I’m not going to presume my kids won’t be affected if we divorce (some people of previous generations do seem to know this too though).

Anyway…that’s all. That’s it.