I was sitting on the front porch tonight enjoying the twilight when someone suggested to me on Instagram something I really should have already realized. But sometimes things that seem obvious to us later are not until later. It’s why we need other humans. Sometimes someone will have that missing insight you needed to put together the whole picture and without it nothing makes sense. This individual was very insightful. They’re a smart person indeed…
So I should preface this by saying that I tried online dating. It was semi successful. I had one relationship that way. He was a guy from my (second) college… (Haha) I never did Tinder. I was married in summer of 2011 after dating since January of 2010. Online dating wasn’t…as prevalent.
So…when I lived in Seattle I was surrounded by close-knit self-described “clannish” family, which was lovely (I adore the family out there) but…I wasn’t dateable. I also was exhausted. Our son was sick. And I was encouraged by people in my family to stay married because Mark is a delightful person (There was some variation on that but people did like him a lot. He’s a nice man.).
When I was Pennsylvania and single I went to a private college where most people were female, gay or men uninterested in dating women. They all wanted to be friends. I made great friends… And the two guys I did date were…complicated (One cheated and the other was still in love with his ex.)
Before that at my first university I was popular with young men I guess but nothing much happened. They were very much from around the area… Ironically after I left there for Pennsylvania I found out who was interested in me. After it was too late mostly to date any of them. Of course. My first boyfriend was someone who told me about his feelings after I’d left.
When I’ve traveled I’ve always been with family, friends who were counting on me to be their company or my ex-husband. I’ve never traveled alone much to an actual destination (only between destinations). Or with friends who would have let me go on a date.
Basically, when was I ever supposed to find a guy? Like a non-Minnesota guy that is. And having lived in Minnesota my friend on Instagram knows how…difficult Minnesota men can be. To date. Really. It’s a thing. My ex-husband is from Connecticut. My first boyfriend was from North Dakota but to be honest he was old money (and he lives on the West Coast now). My other two boyfriends were from Pennsylvania and New Jersey. I first gave myself to a young man I quickly dated from South Carolina. He lives on the West Coast now.
I don’t mix well with Minnesota males. They’re- Their ideal is a Scandinavian or German who is very (often-more-upscale-than-not) suburban. It’s hard to describe without sounding pejorative. But it’s very specific. Anything swerving from that is…suspicious. It’s a type. I grew-up here but I’ve never fit in and very few of my peers growing-up still live here. I do love it here however…
But seriously though…the story from my last post is exactly this. I went to a bar with friends in Pennsylvania (in a city) and found someone quite interested more than once to be honest (although I never took up any offers). And of course the young man who sat in the dark with me awkwardly for hours on a separate sofa watching a film was a guy I knew at the college in Pennsylvania.
But I love how I over-analyzed this part of my life with Mark today for hours and we came up with heartbreaking possibilities that might be true (I shared the best ones). And then there you go: Someone reads my blog with insight and sees it right away. I’m glad they said something.
I’m not saying I’d be happily married if I’d realized this logistical failing earlier but…it would have helped. It would have made me feel less like I was chasing my tail endlessly…
Isn’t that something. I love it.