Yes, I’ve realized some haters reading this blog can’t stop. They psychologically cannot easily stop reading this blog, stalking me on the internet and possibly gossiping about me to fellow sympathizers. One fake friend (possibly slightly real friend?) once said to me years ago, “Don’t you think they’ll get tired of it soon?” I knew then and I know now that that’s not quite how it works. But I didn’t think it’d still be even vaguely lingering this far into the future… Anyway, for whatever reason my most adamant haters became hateful and fixated years ago (while I still had my slightly popular first account on Instagram) and it’ll take years longer, at best, for them to be able to fully move on.
Anyway, last night I verbalized to my best friend how profoundly exasperating it is to try to figure them out. I’m reminded of that again today as I briefly stopped by Instagram for a moment to catch-up for the day.
For a start I’d bet at least 90% of these people don’t see who I really, actually am as a person (even now) either because it’s too upsetting or difficult for some reason or because I incorrectly remind them of someone they have issues with whether that person is themselves or someone else. That’s one hypothesis I’ve concocted over the years…
Secondly, none of them ever seem to ever fully understand that what I’ve literally said openly is the actual truth. Or it’s pretty darn close. One of the most determined among the haters once said to me as if she knew me and had some deep insight she did not actually possess, “I find it interesting what you don’t say.” As in, your objective truth for all to observe and comprehend must be discerned between the lines. That which is and cannot and shall not whilst and amongst it all and so on & on & on & so forth. *eye-roll* But she had absolutely no bloody clue what she was talking about, bless her heart. “I knew you or your husband either both had a trust fund or a good job.” she once told me in a private conversation prior to that comment. I had tried to have a real conversation with her to talk about why she was always seemingly angry and comparing my life to her life in my comment section and to hopefully either get along or part ways. I had thought at the time that it might have worked because she seemed nicer and we ended the conversation on what felt like a good note…but no… Ha! She was someone who enjoyed drama and reading in between the lines and I think because she enjoyed that type of thinking and experience that she gave her “perceptions” more value than they were worth in my case, at least. OR maybe my haters (her included) purposefully try and have tried to be illogical just to make me angry too and therefore easier to attack.
Actually that last thought intrigues me. Could people possibly have discerned years ago that I, in fact, really was just angry about how toxic and competitive the online perfume community had become? Could they have seen that my argument was logical? That my heart was actually in the right place? That I meant well and was just telling them to essentially stop trying to replicate people who they had toxic admiration for. (It’s one thing to enjoy people and what they post, even analyze them, but it’s another thing to become toxically fixated.) …Yes. And maybe, and this is where I get lost when I try to analyze them, they decided to harass me by being intentionally obscure, confusing, and contradictory and yet sub-textually wounded and demanding of empathy. It’s a “You’re just a gold-digging hood rat with a dog face who thinks they’re superior…because you’re a pretentious wasp…who’s not that well-off…and I can’t compete with you because you’re better than everyone…and I’m genuinely an unlucky victim (who’s secretly better than everyone)…so stop being gross and old-fashioned you poor cheerleading hick from a farm in Wisconsin.” That’s either totally insane mumbling from a clinical narcissist or an attempt to be rage inducing to anyone with self-awareness who’s trying to be intellectually honest, empathetic and (most importantly) logical and accurate.
…At any rate, you can keep screeching at me in passive aggressive ways that (genuinely) don’t make sense dear haters, but I’m done. I really am. *shrug* I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. I. Am. Done.
Draw ludicrous, gross and idiotic conclusions from my online posts as you all have before? I truly can’t stop you. Tell yourself lies and then cry over the obvious truth? I have no idea what you really are feeling or thinking almost at all because your messages have been passive and much too vague or they just sound hateful, paranoid, delusional, and very narcissistic. Lots of projection and lots of attempts to cover-up for something. ? I don’t know if I accidentally hurt many or some of you for real reasons or if you were all just toxic or what? It’s never been really explained. I’ve blocked people who seemed toxic and they’ve contacted me (disregarding my boundaries) to tell me that they were hurt…but I blocked them because they were toxic. If you’re passively picking fights for years and then get hurt by the ensuing anger and entirely healthy and rational self-defense you provoked (i.e. I block you) that’s…not a good sign for you.
But regardless, I’m done. If you happened to read my words at some point and actually understood why I was irritated with my little niche online community then great. If what I said resonated with you I’m glad. I truly think part of what happened to me is due to the destruction of the Earth and on a specifically human level the so-called “middle class”. It’s not as safe to be alive for any living being anymore. That’s bound to affect even an esoteric niche online community eventually. We all are truly connected.