Curious Questions And A Crass Response (Repost)

I try to move on but haters don’t want me to. Truly. They get scared and start attacking more when I move on… And then I get angry again. Because I always was angry. And very hurt. As I wrote yesterday you can’t accuse an honest person of lying about the truth when it’s something so personal for years and then expect them to be ok with it. You can’t obviously try to steal someone’s taste and creative signature by copying the way they write, the exact perfume they wear and the way they wear it, the way they take their photos, the way they dress, the way they talk, (and on and on) and try to compete with the way they live by going so far as to fake buying a home in one person’s case or inventing stories or identities…and then expect that person to be ok with it. I was angry for good reasons. I still am. People shouldn’t be that immature or grossly and stupidly self-indulgent as an adult. Sorry.

So…I’ll just repost this. My family doesn’t like me telling you all of this. They don’t. They don’t like it. But I also think they understand that I was bullied to varying degrees depending on who you ask. And they’re getting older and they likely understand that the world isn’t what it used to be one way or another. Some of them are even gone now.

…I don’t share this to hurt people. It was never about hurting people. I share and shared this because I don’t and didn’t like being accused of not being who I really am. That’s so damn insane. It’s disgusting. It’s intellectual and psychological thievery. So if the truth bothers you ask yourself why. Why does the reality or did the reality of who I was and am bother you? I was and always will be this person. You aren’t God. You can’t literally recreate your reality and yourself to the level of God to be better than every and any person who threatens your ego. I’m sorry the internet gave you that stupid impression of existence. The truth still matters…despite what desperate and scared people tell you.

———

From 2017 or so:

Social media is fascinating.  So many aspects of so-called normal living are magnified times a thousand online.

For example: the online equivalent of familiar and sometimes pleasant interactions you might have with acquaintances day to day in normal life are suddenly revealed to have hidden subtexts or subversive elements that are basically imperceivable when not online.  And, the cause of the phenomena has to be a similar sort of psychological effect to the one that causes trolling.   People are just more comfortable showing unlikeable traits behind the privacy of a screen.

Now, I’m not a particularly naïve person, but I can be when it comes to how other people view me.  To me, perfume is a form of art.   It’s also a cosmetic.   And, I love to collect it. However to some it’s mostly a luxury, and there are people who might even call really nice perfume not much more than a status symbol. So, there are people who have a perception of me that has likely been affected by my perfume collection and my display of it but I didn’t really and truly realize that until about a year or two ago.

When I first started seriously collecting perfume a few years ago, and sharing photos online, I had one relative who had somewhat recently married into my family, do something that may have indicated some negative feelings about my hobby. I was very surprised and very hurt.  In my mother’s family, which is the one this young lady married into, if something is irritating about a relative you’re taught to be tolerant (sometimes just willfully ignoring something for the sake of family solidarity) until it becomes a serious problem to them or you.  A perfume hobby certainly wouldn’t fit that negative of a criteria.  But, she was raised with likely very different ways of both viewing and doing things.  Anyway, that was it as for negative reactions at first.

The perfume community on Instagram where I shared my collection was brilliant, welcoming and utterly uplifting.   It was very easy to be honest.  It was very comfortable to share just about whatever you wanted in a respectful way and you knew that there would only be a precious few, if any, mean or rude people who would bother you at all.  You could just enjoy beauty and try to help create more of it to the best of your ability.

That’s changed.

For about the past year and a half to two years I’ve noticed a sudden uptick in overall negativity.   As one facet of that, around then, a lot of people suddenly seemed hell-bent on being perceived as the most wealthy, sophisticated or brilliant among the tip top…tip…top…tip of the “elite” of the community.  In typical form, I decided to rebel.  Of course, my form of rebellion is never the way most people rebel.  Just like how in high school I joined Young Republicans and did canvassing for Republican candidates to rebel, I decided to start talking more about my blessings instead of doing what I was raised to do. (Because it seemed funny to not roll over and play dead. To not conform to expectations of how to treat a “Karen” which entails coddling these overly competitive people and then meticulously eliminating anything they wouldn’t find flattering to their insatiable egos. They won’t try that hard to get along or respect other people unless it “works for them on their terms”. And that probably means worshiping them ultimately. Unconditionally worshipping them. Commentary from 2019.)

I was taught to never, ever, ever brag.  Well, actually, never even come close to almost bragging.  But I realized when I was dating my husband that some people don’t understand subtlety and/or manners and you have to actually almost smash them in the face with reality for them to back off and stop being rude and annoying. (Other people are childish, at least sometimes heartless, entitled and demand you practically read their minds or they bully you.)

There was a woman almost six or seven years older than my husband, Mark, in her 30’s while he was in his 20’s, who was in love with Mark.  (Just to clarify for those who overly identify with this woman: she was genuinely delusional. He didn’t want to even sleep with her much less date her as he didn’t find her to be an attractive person but she fooled herself into thinking he was actually devastatingly in love with her and that she had the upper hand in the relationship. She was married and older than him too. She even gave him a copy of The Sun Also Rises because she wanted him to understand her self-perceived “inner Brett Ashley” and my husband had to have this explained to him as he couldn’t figure out why she chose that novel to gift him in the first place. She was…almost frighteningly lacking in self-awareness. So are you haters reading this that conceited?) She happened to be married and she was even very quietly floating around thoughts of leaving her husband for him.  (And a co-worker who knew them both even warned my husband that he would break up her marriage. And of course my husband was baffled by that because he thought they were actually, truly just friends.) However, my husband wasn’t interested in dating her almost at all.  He once confessed to me that given his mentality at the time, he would have possibly started officially “dating” her if I hadn’t met him within a year or so, (Because he was slightly nihilistic at the time and she would have kept pursuing him regardless of his true feelings about her and he would have felt convinced to at least “give her a try” out of hopelessness.) but that it likely wouldn’t have gone anywhere or if it did he wouldn’t have been happy.  But she was very determined.

I tried not to make her feel bad and my husband, being the fool that he was about such things back then, tried to create a sort of friendship between her and me. (He thought she was his friend. They’d drink together.) We all went out together.   But after a while I got really tired of it.  (And trying to counsel her in pub restrooms about her marriage while forcing myself to be too kind and “objective” about my feelings for my husband. Waay too kind.

I even offered to step aside if they were in love because “she had him first” in that case. If her version of things was true and it was this mutual affair…

But she was really in love with being a heartbreaker. She wanted to be “Brett” more than be with my husband in a serious relationship and “staying with her husband” fit with that persona more than openly and honestly expressing her feelings to my then boyfriend now husband.

And maybe she secretly knew somewhere inside her that she’d face open rejection from my husband too if she confronted him. So instead she opted for trying to force him into bed with her on quite a few occasions after they had drinks together. He always said no. She didn’t care in any way. At all. And occasionally he’d let her get something just to get her to leave him alone and be able to sleep.

But of course she expected me to let her walk all over us and our relationship, no matter what and be wildly jealous of her self-perceived dominance and his supposed undying love for her. Love she probably knew didn’t really exist but she didn’t care. Dominance she insisted and insisted was real. Tormented us both.)

So, while I normally didn’t hold his hand or show any sort of physical affection in front of her (truly, I didn’t) I decided to hold his hand as we all walked around at the Minnesota State Fair.  (She had seemingly tricked herself into thinking he was impotent and not justyou know…not attracted to her.) She was livid.  And, for the rest of the evening and into the night he became increasingly affectionate with me to the point (Because we slept together and were in love. He wasn’t actually impotent and/or incapable of normal, healthy adult to adult consensual sexuality and love in general. Big shock! *rolling eyes*) that she actually apologized to us to some degree for making things previously awkward.   That was the last time we saw her.

But see, she just didn’t get it.  (And as much as she totally pissed me off I also felt kind of bad that she was so wildly confused. I always did feel empathy for her. She made a spectacular fool of herself especially to my husband. Over and over. And ironically, that is heartbreaking to watch even from a distance. But she really just… *shrug* I don’t even know…) She didn’t want to really understand.  She once said something akin to, “I imagine things the way I want them to be.”  (How did this not seem unhealthy and emotionally dangerous to her?!) I think for folks like her, and there seem to be a ton of them nowadays, some truths (One ultimate truth is objective and real even if we feel it personally as well.) are dormant because they so fervently buy into their own lies.  You (seemingly) have to be painfully open and honest for them to see the truth.

I’m not sure what to say about the reactions I’ve had to my response (ie Being more intentionally open and not as careful to conceal what I thought would upset people. Although people have what seems like self-aggrandizing and silly ways of determining social class and wealth?) on social media.  But I will say this, it’s been sad, frustrating, depressing and at times weird.  And I think some people think they’re a lot more subtle and clever with their competitive maneuverings and reactions than they really are.

I miss the free, untroubled, real beauty-seeking community I originally joined.    Or maybe I was just lucky and the first people who I met were some of the kindest, most genuinely lovely and most intelligent souls.  (?) Sadly some of them are rarely ever on anymore and some seem to be different now.  Although, there are still a decent number left.  And I suppose my response to the shift might have easily made it seem like I changed too, sadly. (?)

But, I really am all about just being yourself and simultaneously respecting others.  I know who I am and who I am not.  Or at least, I aim to.  (So stop trying to convince me otherwise. It’s total bullshit.) I think it’s (understanding yourself in all your glory and with all your faults) an essential part of living freely and living well in general.

It is tricky (FYI This of course is not a slang reference to prostitution. When people accuse me passively or overtly of something as obviously untrue as that it makes me wonder about them. Be careful what you accidentally suggest about yourself narcissistically. I’m not going to judge you for being a prostitute actually even if I think it’s wrong but if you don’t want to share that or hint at that possibility about yourself then don’t project it on me out of shame and all kinds of hatred.) for me though, because my parents weren’t clear on a lot of things and I grew up being bullied and snubbed by very well-off (it seems like a lot of people underestimate the wealth or status of the bastion of my peers growing-up in some way to the further genuine detriment of their understanding and then the accuracy of their accordingly stupid insults) to rich kids in my neighborhood who came from newly well-off to (almost entirely newly) rich families.  It might sound cliché, but in my case it’s the truth.  Where I grew up if you didn’t have the “right labels”, live in the “right sort of house”, have parents with the “right sort of car” and possess the right kind of bratty (“mean girl”) attitude you were a social pariah.  (It was comically at least somewhat like the tv show 902010 but with money-faded but still present Minnesota accents and less glamor.) Obviously, with parents who were taught not to think highly of themselves or their family in the slightest (Out of stoic and genuinely kind humility not shame.), I had no idea how to react to the intense, and often truly vicious competition or rejection for not being “cool enough”.  …I grew up to become a little tough, feeling very meek but secure (because my identity rests in God ultimately and no it’s not something you can attack with your amateur “atheist kit”) and yet I didn’t understand things entirely. I only realized something was amiss with my understanding in that regard about myself and my family after I married my husband. Previously I made excuses for any dissonance. (People have never liked when I figure out the truths they are the most foolishly paranoid about. And yes, I too am capable of holding conflicting notions.)

Anyway, I’ve labeled us somewhat “old money” but that’s not quite right (although it isn’t entirely wrong anymore either).   That term is really loaded. (PLEASE NOTE MY HONESTY, ACCURACY, SELF-AWARENESS AND ACTUAL HUMILITY here. If you don’t like any tinge of “old money” being applied to my family I cannot imagine what sort of sadly bizarre, sheltered and delusional world you must live in. This isn’t that big of a deal in reality. Not really. It just means things are complicated. Do you understand? No? You want things to be easy? Or what?

I’ll make it simple: There are just some people with more or less of some things. Most people alive have someone with more than them somewhere and most people aren’t those who have the absolute least. There’s an enormous amount of room between those two ends of the spectrum of course and it’s not something to base your self-worth on. Please stop being such a martyr for your own ego or being fake about your insecurities.

You might be a bit “stuck” in the upper-middle class regardless of your accomplishments or your family’s striving to move-up if you’re very lucky but that isn’t my doing. Either way. Truly. It’s just complicated. And stop listening to people who want to use your insecurities to appease their own faults. Just…try to be thankful for however truly lucky you are or try to be proud of however impressive you really are. It might not make you the top banana of the universe in the end but you’re probably less icky than you think? Right. Not said in condescension. …It’s just awkward to have to say any of this isn’t it.)

Sigh

But for the sake of being honest, and maybe a tiny-bit shocking (I love to do that sometimes if it’s in the right way) here we go:

My mother’s and father’s families are all descended from immigrants to the US.  Starting the farthest back and moving forward: in the case of my mother’s father’s family we are likely (and it’s “likely” because it hasn’t been proven as a historical fact yet by the family researchers who have documented us back to the 1500’s when we may have still actually been English nobility originally from France much earlier) the direct descendants of very old English nobility. Lords. (And no, it’s not quite that meaningless, common or mundane dear haters reading this right now.)

One relative on my mother’s father’s side researched it diligently for twenty years and compiled a book years ago but he seemed more fascinated and totally focused on the period in the US leading up to the Civil War and during it, and that aspect of our family in general than anything else.   He is a well-off southerner and probably always was though, so perhaps that’s why that part particularly intrigued him (his lineage didn’t have as many or any tragic deaths after the Civil War (my line did) – more on that in a second). I wish he’d done a little more writing about the English origins but more information can be gathered, of course. We do know a lot though, and it does seem to be that we were titled in England and originally from France in the Twelfth Century.

But my maternal grandfather, the likely descendant of nobility (I highlighted this because I’ve noticed people who “misunderstand” tend to be selective readers and listeners and probably subconsciously edit out things that hold them accountable so you have to remind them of facts you’re presenting that they don’t want to hear or read it seems.) and certainly a member of an old southern family (they arrived from England in the 1730’s) was raised in a working class home in Arkansas actually, because many of the men directly in his lineage had died fairly young after the Civil War and left wives and families that had to henceforth fend for themselves.  (That’s justwhat happened. Historically. Not a fake excuse for the fact that he wasn’t a “rich kid” based on his father’s lineage. Not all “reasons” are fake reasons. It’s more complex. Grow up intellectually or just let it go. Please.) Although no one died in our family in the Civil War (although they were imprisoned) they died afterwards due to the direct effects of the war. All of the wealth and abundance that his ancestors had accumulated over centuries (and had in the US) was virtually demolished in the Civil War (it’s documented) and his line lost almost all of the rest of their share trying to survive afterwards.  That was how being on the losing side in the Civil War affected us, but more importantly tolerating slavery, (Yeah I’m not about to let you bully me into calling myself racist just based on family history. Regardless, it’s not quite that simple. Again, grow-up intellectually.) even though there was at least one prominent member of the family who was an Abolitionist. (Does this mean anything to people or no? Why not? Do you not really know that much about Abolitionism? Don’t kid yourself and throw it on me out of arrogance if you actually don’t.)

But, when my grandfather died in the 1980’s his obituary read that he had graduated from the University of California, Los Angeles and in his later years became a judge. (He also supposedly studied at Julliard and did other stuff you might or might not find impressive?) At any rate, he was a very intelligent and creative man who loved baseball (coached baseball too) and going to the races (horses). In terms of social status he did accomplish something over the years, but it was also a rather historically significant line he descended from.

My maternal grandmother did divorce my grandfather though, in the early 1960’s.  Their marriage was fraught with troubles although they loved each other deeply at the start.

My grandmother, however, was not encouraged to finish college initially (women too often didn’t back in the 1930’s and 40’s regardless of social class) and so after she divorced my grandfather she finally felt she should and did. Then she taught English for over 25 years (although she had taught in small rural schools before that).  A brother of hers was a dentist (doctor) and war hero.  He started his own business (dentistry) (and tried to start his own university too) and made other investments. (My maternal grandmother’s brothers were all truly brilliant.) Another brother of hers was an engineer and successful investor.  The others did almost equally well if not better.  More than one of them were well-off to wealthy (at least one was a literal millionaire by the 1950’s) (note I’m calculating for inflation as in they were millionaires in 1950’s Dollars and it would be more today) and the rest of the siblings were at least middle to upper middle class. And their parents who were Norwegian immigrants to the US, were probably somewhat well-off or close to it as well by the 1940’s or 50’s. (If that’s all too confusing to follow or gather the meaning of read it again slowly or just give-up and stop reading my blog. It’s actually difficult to be more clear. I don’t and didn’t enjoy explaining this and truly making anyone feel bad. I just got tired of people’s tiring and obtuse assumptions.) (I’m sorry this is a little intentionally condescending. I just don’t understand people’s weird determination to make everything I say infinitely dumber or uglier than it is. Why?! What’s in it for you? Do you get off on being withholding of intellectual acceptance? Do you even care about things on that level or just use your mind to abuse people in some way? Take advantage of someone’s hard fought for and healthy self-worth and empathy to look “smart, sassy and classy”. *rolling eyes* In that case: work it sister. Gee whiz. And shake it for the back row. Put a smile on your face and sing gorgeous! Right?)

My great grandparents took a vacation to Norway in the early 1950’s, my great grandfather bought my great grandmother a double-strand really lovely pearl necklace, and there were other fairly expensive or expensive purchases around that time too that I can think of off the top of my head… (why oh why did I ever think most people reading this would “get it” much less even be able to read this far without falling asleep or losing their temper) He also built a nice new house (four at least decent sized bedrooms with a separate sunny room for just her weave-loom, etc) in 1929.  Of course, they would have never openly labeled themselves prosperous.  Ever.  But they were never in debt and they always had enough for things.  They were also frugal and shrewd.  And they believed such things should never be discussed in polite conversation.

My great grandfather’s father was a math tutor (although he too died young from pneumonia and that was in part why my great grandfather and his sister had to leave Norway – they didn’t inherit any land to sustain them financially in Norway unlike their older siblings) and his family and my great grandmother’s family were at least educated and intelligent people.  It’s possible they didn’t actually do that much “social climbing” (socially not financially) in America despite the little they actually physically took with them to the US around the turn of the Twentieth Century. They arrived with “social capital” despite their monetary lowliness. (That’s the part of their experience that’s most significant in my opinion. The “American Dream” isn’t an easy code to crack now and it never has been entirely, at least, at any point in our history but if you have enough of the code to guess at the rest of it or enough clues in general it’s enormously easier.)

On my father’s side it’s very similar.  Although, his immediate family were somewhat middle to mostly upper-middle class in their community and his parents never divorced.  My grandfather was the president of the school board for a while and my grandmother was the church pianist. She was also often regarded as one of the most lovely women in their small town and the two granddaughters who were raised in that town decades later (my first-cousins) were both the homecoming queens in high school. They’re all exceptionally beautiful. But my father is the black sheep of his family (although he was considered good-looking as well actually). (Good looks and intelligence are in all of my family’s genes unfortunately for those who are looking for a way out for their egos. Sorry.)

My father’s siblings are all either wealthy or at least very well-off at this point (and well educated) and so is he but the only difference is that while they already were and then added more with inheritance he solely inherited it (from his parents) and went from middle class (financially) to something more rather quickly. He didn’t pick a career path that fostered abundance, whereas they mostly did. One was a city comptroller for years in Colorado after being a CPA and starting his career by being an account for Arthur Anderson (his wife is a nationally renowned expert and lecturer in her field). …Another is also a gifted CPA and another a very successful businessman and former farmer/rancher.

(I’m being too subtle and yet also too specific and yet not specific enough probably. Oh well. *eye roll*)

My father wanted to be professor but backed away from that for ideological and idealistic reasons and never did move beyond a very middle class position.  (although both of my parents finished four year college degrees at respectable schools of course) He is very well read and quite sophisticated though (I’m being blunt and shocking I guess) and my mother is in her own way too. He also has another separate degree from a religious institution. And my mom has also done a fair amount of traveling around the world. For a while she was a chef at a vegetarian health resort in the 1970’s in Pennsylvania. A Rosicrucian visiting the clinic once told her that her cooking was so good she must have reincarnated from a chef who once made meals for Pharaohs in Egypt. She really was and is quite artistically talented. But anyway, part of the money in both families is inherited (it’s old and new both and that’s the part that’s too difficult to fully explain but does relate to social class yet is too personal and people other than myself are affected if I share too much more more clearly) and I’ll inherit it someday too (I’ve already received some of it). But essentially we collectively (as families), and often individually as well, passed a certain point in regard to social class that it’s hard to turn back from (and most wouldn’t historically desire to anyway) fairly long ago now.

From where I stand it’s not uncommon to attend Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, Brown or blah blah (and yes, I know entrance means a lot, sorry for sounding flippant), and etc.  Although many choose to attend college more locally. I didn’t attend one of the schools from the first list (it was a goal of mine once) because I became clinically depressed in high school and my grades went down a lot…  (and around that time I also started having thyroid trouble that wasn’t diagnosable with the usual exams for years) Truly. I’ve written about it in the past. I wanted to attend Vassar though or Middlebury in Vermont and I honestly think I might have had a very good shot at it if I hadn’t started physically having issues. (Uh oh! Here’s where someone feeling triggered narcissistically decides to self-righteously call me weak “to teach me a lesson!”)

(This is so hard to reread again. It really is my life. *shaking head*)

I went to a good college named Messiah College (now a university), but I could have done a lot better (If you’re reading this and you’re a Messiah graduate I’m sorry if that seems offensive. Perhaps Messiah was your ideal school for lots of reasons or maybe it wasn’t. In my opinion I regret going there despite the fact that it’s a quality institution and a lot of brilliant and lovely people attend there and have graduated from there.). Again though, I wanted to ideally go to Vassar or Middlebury College. (My husband actually tried going to Middlebury but was waitlisted and went to a very good school in New York instead). And although I spent four years at Messiah College, one at a university my father chose because it was geographically close (I was in the honors program) and it was his alma mater, and I had college AP credit from high school, I am still credits short of finishing my degree.  It’s my biggest regret in life and it was beyond expected of me by everyone including myself. I will however finish it someday and probably go further too. (I’d like to finish a PhD)

But I have many relatives and friends over the years who have gone to one or several Ivy League schools or something very close (ie Northwestern in Chicago).  (For real. As an aside I find people’s lack of understanding of value versus show and calm consideration of objective truths that build our universe bit by bit irritating. People’s flares of temper or simmering temper tantrums have made it very hard to have genuinely thoughtful, edifying or deep discussion in regard to me. Entitled people get obsessed when they aren’t given the ego boost they demand and may be accustomed to.) Some of them teach (or taught) at those schools, or could but decided on other paths.  My husband went to a school that’s considered a “little ivy” (Union College) and graduated magna cum laude at age 21 (even though he was waitlisted at Middlebury).  His father wanted him to attend Harvard actually and made him apply there, but my husband hated his English classes in high school and didn’t get accepted at Harvard in part because those grades weren’t quite high enough. (He’s certainly a decent writer though, just to clarify and his SAT score was high.) (He’s a real genius actually. No. Like Mensa real. “Get a clue” I say to the arrogant fools giggling or chuckling now due to a subconscious desire to feel better…as they read this for what may be the hundredth time.

You’re not really able to hear any of this. That’s what’s happening. You can’t handle not being better than me in some way. Or better than my husband. To a strange degree. You’ll just look for it forever I guess? Dear God move on…)

And there are people in both families who have been either knighted or have reached genuinely high ranks of some sort for prestigious reasons involving actual work and talent (someone bought a bank, someone else wrote novels and etc.). And, by wealthy I mean genuinely wealthy according to well accepted standards in the US. And I’m not sharing every possibly impressive thing because that’s too gross. (One hater tried to twist things I wrote here and used my actual real empathy, reticence to share more and circumspection against me.)

But that, my dears, is where I came from to some degree.  I’d share more but this should be more than enough to explain how I wasn’t beguiled by a lot of people’s silly shows of false abundance and attempts to seem elite and super superior. *eye roll* Or etc. (I don’t understand why people need my approval if I’m so far beneath them. And they’re obsessed with finding some way to hide from the fact that they’re what? Either at least a tiny bit bourgeois and/or insecure? Do you even know what bourgeois means? That’s not poor honey. It’s just not as elite as you crassly demand to be perceived as by others at the expense of your actual honor and integrity I guess?) I’ve never fully explained or elaborated on every painful thing that happened because it’s just that: painful. But I’m not a snot.  I’m not stuck-up. And I’m not pretentious. (Learn English yourself. And stop preaching to me about it. I have a sad amount of typos I take responsibility for and am occasionally linguistically or grammatically a bit lazy. Sorry. Get a grip. I don’t misuse English to that degree.

You. And you. And you. And you. …I could go on. Learn English before you go around trying to correct native English speakers.

You’re not as smart as you seemingly demand to be perceived as being… Regardless, stop using people’s actual humility to seem smarter than them. Not just my own but many people’s.)

If I’m being brutally honest I suppose I should admit that I can be a snob (almost?).  And if I am a snob at all it’s not because I see people as being genuinely inferior but because I see some things they choose to do as being crass, rude or wrong.  And also on occasion people have mistaken something I’ve done or said as snobbery when it’s actually just shyness or reserve on my part, but other times people have assumed I’m just “one of the gals” (I am a cis female to be clear for those who have often chosen to twist everything) and it’s been very awkward if I’m forced to correct them or be silent about something that might make it seem to them like I’m not.  People get offended if they feel you can’t relate to them about certain things and if they haven’t figured out “who you are” already they often put you in a position where you can come across like a bad person if you’re honest with them. It becomes a lot like snobbery (even if it’s not intentional at all) when and if things grow increasingly awkward and tense. People want to be impressive apparently and refuse to believe you can be their friend or respect them if you aren’t impressed… Nothing convinces them of your innocence or sincerity as long as they feel insecure. …Everything. Gets. Twisted.

…One thing that particularly irritates me though are people who remind me of the worst bullies I grew up with.  Some of them did well, but a lot them actually didn’t, at least relatively speaking considering their opportunities and privileges growing-up.  And sadly, their parents’ abundance, prestige and etc. was all they’ll likely ever experience beyond perhaps the occasional thing done for appearance’s sake.    The kids who did best were the idealistic nerds (of course) who were always (often) kind to me and who I often became real friends.  …Or in some cases, just the nerds (not only the idealistic ones). I never truly fit in in any group well though. (If you’re reading this and I grewup with you stop melting if I don’t see how awesome you were and describe it enough here.)

There.  Now go be jerks or whatnot if you want.  But, at least I’ve tried to somewhat clearly explain something.  Anything else more glamorous or less is nothing I want to share openly.  I’ve said all I’ll say (*eyeroll* I always regret writing that), and I know, based on a few interactions, that some people were more than a little curious.

For those of you who are above such lowly and silly things: God bless.  I’d like to think I actually am too (usually).  (Clue: This is the most important part.) But don’t be surprised if I find (at least semi-malignant) insecurity and (seemingly never ending) competition annoying, albeit, depending on if you’re an overall jerk or not, I may have sympathy for you. And if you have more than me: good for you. Truly!

Try to be comfortable being yourself and if you want more materially or socially than you currently have then go find a way to genuinely and morally get it.  And, be humble.  Right?

p.s. If you want to know my husband’s salary just look what actuaries with years (over ten) of experience and who have passed lots of tests (over seven) make. (This is how class is calculated by scholars. Professionals hon. Again, get a clue. I’m not praising myself here. I’m being what in English is called accurate. Look it up.).

6 Comments

  1. Hello Karrie, insightful comments about social media and behaviour. When I started doing the IG thing a few years ago, I loved the fact that it was very positive compared to, say, Twitter. I know what you mean about how things have changed. Fortunately, I think there are enough people doing their own thing, as opposed to one-upmanship, to still make it worthwhile. R

    1. Thank you. Yes! I obviously wholeheartedly agree. I think doing your own thing is essential to staying above the nonsense. You’re right! But even though I’m sorry you’ve felt similarly (because it’s really frustrating at times) at least your words are further confirmation that I’m not alone and/or imagining things. Too bad it had to change… Thank you, again!! ❤️

  2. Hi Karrie!

    I’m probably impossibly naive (actually I know I am…) but I still have that happy feeling about IG and even FB (where I mostly hang out in closed groups with likeminded, so that’s sheltered even). And I live in Sweden, where we don’t talk about money or class. At all. Perhaps with your closest friends, after some wine. Now I’ve forgotten where I was going with this comment…Anyway, I’m one of those people who just see IG as a medium for my hobbies, even though I don’t post much myself because I often lack inspiration to do so. Much love to you!

    1. My mother’s family and father’s family are totally Scandinavian in their ancestry except for my maternal grandfather so I understand a little about what you mean. I’m glad you are still happily avoiding rude and silly people. 😂☺️☺️ Thank you for commenting! Thank you and same to you! 😘

  3. I’m trying to read your posts with understanding, but I just don’t get the obsession with past generations and old money vs new money. I think it’s quite gauche to act as if you are superior because some ancestor was British nobility. I mean, you aren’t nobility anymore! But honestly I just want to meet and take people as they are; to judge people by their behavior towards everyone–how nice they are to people in the service industry–heck people who work in the service industry but are honest and kind. I don’t think it matters at all what someone’s parent or grandparent did, or how much money they made. And it seems especially odd to feel a sort of accomplishment from a husband’s income! He is the one working and earning. That is his accomplishment, not yours.

    1. Wow. I certainly got under your skin. I wonder why? Do you consider yourself highly sophisticated and elite? I bet you do. You seem very touchy.

      You clearly didn’t understand a word I wrote and have completely misunderstood me too. You’re really yelling at and insulting the choir. I’m not gauche at all dear. And family background does mean something. How do you not understand that? Are you that poorly educated or obtuse? I’m not stating my values or how I judge people but explaining my social status based on factors most people who understand class history would take note of. It’s not gauche. And unless you’ve been living under a rock your whole life how do you not know that people judge people based on family income. And I’m not going further down some ideological rabbit hole to appease your ignorance.

      But I appreciate your earnest anger if it is that and not just rude trolling. Are you legitimately angry? Did you actually read everything I wrote? It doesn’t seem like it.

      Good for you for caring about equality if you actually do. I do too. I’m sorry you’re so poorly educated or lacking an ability to understand nuance that you missed most of what I wrote. If you know me in person it’s incredibly cowardly to not identify yourself.

      It’s not wort it to defend myself more because I have a feeling you’re just an insecure prick.

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