Lost Cherry

I’m going to buy a bottle of Tom Ford Lost Cherry. I think I should smell more like cherries more often…

That dream I just had about my uncle affected me very deeply psychologically speaking, I think. The last time I dreamt of him was back in 2008 when he was still alive… I had a dream that I was getting married and he stood in for my father. Him and some other man or person or people I couldn’t see (or don’t remember) had decided who it was I was going to get married to… …Or something like that. Because I couldn’t figure out who I was marrying… I knew he was there but I never saw him. I was so happy and excited but I didn’t see him. My uncle was proud… It was all set be a great wedding day… Then I woke-up.

I really think soulmates might genuinely exist. And I truly think Swedenborg was closer to the reality of it than what we generally tend to consider. I’m not a Swedenborgian but I do like some of his theories…

Today a memory came back to me while I was sampling Lost Cherry and Ébène Fume. It was a memory of meeting an ex-boyfriend at a train station in Lititz, Pennsylvania. In 2008.

We didn’t generally have fantastic chemistry. It wasn’t terrible, certainly. But it wasn’t great either. But that day he picked me up at the train depot and I got into his truck while he was mildly distracted (I think by a phone call he ended when I sat down) with a distant look on his face but then we kissed passionately for a good minute without pausing. I loved it but he was stunned… He was quite conservative and while we found each other attractive it, as I said, wasn’t our normal chemistry. He paused at the steering wheel and thought for a moment afterwards…

“Wow. I didn’t expect to do that.” he sighed in embarrassment. “I guess I’m excited to see you.” He looked more embarrassed. “Ok, that just sounds weird, but you know what I mean.”

The rest of our time together wasn’t that nice… *laugh* We did pleasant date things like going rock climbing, eating at a fun Spanish restaurant…watching Arrested Development…and his roommate’s girlfriend taught me about how really expensive glassware can be super lightweight. It made me think back to my days at my first university and how I wish I’d joined that sorority… “Ok! Which one do you think is more expensive?” she asked me. I picked the right one. “Good girl!” she said pleased with my ex’s decision to date me. But I worried…

Wearing a few sprays from the recently arrived bottle of Marc Jacobs Marc Jacobs from Sephora one snowy fall day a couple of weeks later I broke-up with that ex-boyfriend during a phone call. I sat there smelling that beautiful fragrance wondering when I’d be loved for being myself… Loved the way I had been for that brief moment when he’d picked me up at the train station. I loved the way that fragrance smelled… I needed someone who loved me for wearing perfume and going to the opera and- But no one was there…

Or so I thought?

When I had that absolutely bizarre lucid dream in my teen years it, for lack of a better word, inoculated me to intense romantic despair. I was sad…more sad then you’d likely think actually…but that dream always stayed in the back of my mind. And looking back at that moment at the train station today I’m realizing that my ex-boyfriend was possibly…not…entirely himself at that moment. Just like how I felt touched in England and (I’ve remembered again) how I was bizarrely cut in the armor exhibit at the art museum in Philadelphia… If they’re not demonic…they’re ghosts…and I truly think they’re capable, if God let’s them, of a lot more than the living understand. It’s nothing to be afraid of I don’t think unless you frankly make yourself vulnerable by being evil, but…it’s also likely not something to underestimate from a standpoint of doubt. To keep sane and not be theologically in error I tend to doubt… But I’m also a doubter by nature. So much so, actually, that when I believe something is possible it drives me up the wall when people are patronizing.

Could I have married that ex? Yes. Getting married is something you can trick people into. Could I have made him fall into fake love with me? Yes… But you can’t force actual love to happen. You can’t find a truly beautiful marriage by “playing your cards right” and looking at partners with status symbols in mind. I thought everyone knew that… That’s my mistake. Oh well… I have a feeling the man I made-out with in Lititz might be dead and like me to smell Lost Cherry… *laugh* Hmm. What do you think? *smile*

…I’ll be praying…and for today and tonight smelling like cherries and smoke. My goodness…