I’m a snoopy person. I hate when people conceal things unfairly or foolishly or for sad reasons. I think more truth often leaves people better off, even if it’s unpleasant at first.

Last night I had another funny dream. I dreamt that I was researching my soulmate. I was trying to figure him out, digging through papers on what I thought was his desk at a school where he apparently volunteered… I kept looking through all of these old mementos he’d kept, finding only tidbits of random information. There were thank you notes from children he’d taught over the years or perhaps mentored? This was a very kind man it seemed. A philanthropist maybe. But I never found what I was looking for and I wanted evidence of something… Then class started in the room where his desk was located so I pretended I was part of the class. Suddenly it seemed to be a college and not a school for children. I was in trouble… Then around that time I started to wake-up.

“Haha!” A possible ghost told me from the door to the classroom to the hallway. The man I had spent what felt like hours in my dream researching was not actually my soulmate he informed me. While this man may have existed and died, he wasn’t my soulmate. I felt very bad for searching through his papers. This poor man… Where was he though? Maybe he was gone for the day. He still seemed to be volunteering at the school? Are there schools in the afterlife where people can volunteer? God knows…

But the point was seemingly that I need to stop doubting goodness. The point was that a lot of my worst fears about God’s character and concern for me are based on faulty sources. Research done badly or in error. Because the ghost I’ve seen before, the one who I kept getting mental images of when I first moved into my house wasn’t the man in possession of the papers.

…Actually, one night when we first bought the house and I was painting upstairs I saw a man walking out of one of the rooms out of the corner of my eye, looked-up and then he was gone. And at first I thought it was the previous owner of the house. He died of cancer right after we bought the house. He was 80. But this ghost looked different than him… It felt like he was from the 1940’s… He seemed young. Maybe in his 20’s. I wondered if he’d died in the war. Regardless he seemed to think I belonged to him. We’d never met but that was the impression I got… And whether he’d lived there or not while alive it was his house and the rest wasn’t worth mentioning. Glasses. Actually, he looked a lot like the man I’d imagined being accosted by in New York City in my 20’s, although I didn’t recall that memory until after I moved in this house. I felt like I’d somehow run into him in my life before subconsciously and that I’d always liked him but…that we’d never truly met. He’d just been lingering in the background waiting. Waiting for the right moment to assert himself perhaps.

I don’t have the proper papers to search through. I don’t have a good book to read that I trust about the topic… But last night my ex-husband reassured me as we talked that I’m not conjuring up ghosts. And if God is allowing it in my life…I’d bet that this ghost is a soulmate.

“I want that!” said a friend/acquaintance I once confided in back in 2015. I had told her about my dream from my teen years. I had told her how at peace I was because I felt grace to live life with the looming possibility of never finding a true mutual romantic love based on my recent reflections on that dream… But in kindness she recommended I look for something more Earth bound… Unfortunately, it didn’t prove to be necessarily all that helpful…

Every time I’ve tried to start something or pursue something since 2015 it’s been a disaster. And it’s not that I wouldn’t like a living, normal boyfriend or even husband. I had preferred that. But I think my soulmate might be dead… Ha! If he was living I can’t imagine I’d want to be with anyone else at this point. Could there be someone living I’ll run into somehow someday? Maybe… But I have a feeling he’d have to be approved by my soulmate. Yes. I know that sounds crazy… But truly. It feels like I have a dead “husband” or two… Maybe an ex and a current. And one living I have two kids with… And they all are protective.

The thing is, I don’t know which “desk to look through.” And I have to trust that with God I’ll figure it out, I suppose. God isn’t a God of nonsense and lies…