I Look Youthful

I’ve been enjoying TikTok lately. I never post, but it’s fun.

Today I saw video of a dog almost drowning who was thankfully rescued by his owner. Then I watched a popular influencer who claimed to be 25 or so. She almost looked older than me.

People are rarely exactly what they seem. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn again lately and it’s been difficult. Not because I can’t handle the reality of being disappointed but the opposite. I have a hard time believing God has much patience for me… And it astounds me to think I’m capable of being redeemed. Yes, goody-two shoes me. But this is God we’re discussing… God. The God of the Old Testament. And yes, you can mention Jesus and I accept and hopefully truly understand His sacrifice but…Jesus has been so perverted in our culture in the last 40 to 50 years. He doesn’t seem powerful enough or even righteous enough at times nowadays to do much. Today he’s just a good bro…. A pal. …But of course, that’s not real…

…I’ll be shocked if I discover the parents who raised me are mine. They could be but golly…

They both have Covid right now. And even though they’re in their 70’s they both seem fine. Or they’re lying to be tough. They’ve both refused vaccines. When I got Covid way back in 2020 I was ill… Not so ill as to be hospitalized but I just got over my cough (mostly) this fall when I fell down the stairs. *laugh and eye-roll* Resting from my neck injury/concussion let my body rest enough to finally get over Covid more. I, of course, am (was) fully vaccinated… I’ve waited to get the booster for health reasons. My family has not. Soon…

…The thing is…I’m tougher emotionally and probably healthier by nature psychologically than them. But…my physical body isn’t nearly as tough. …Also, anecdotally, they both wear Nahema brilliantly well. It smells terrible on me. My kids can’t wear it either… Does that mean something? It might. Regardless, it’s all a mess.

Growing-up I was exposed to Pentecostal Christianity. One lady who was like an aunt to me as she was very close to my parents told me to listen. Listen. We were sitting next to Lake Superior one morning eating breakfast in the sunshine in the mid/late 1990’s and she said, “You need to listen for the voice of God.” She looked at me. “Do you know what I mean?” I did. I listened for God’s voice just like most sincere Christians do, but after that breakfast chat I started to listen much more closely…

What I don’t think that dear woman realized, irresponsibly so, was that other entities could be heard that way as well. Not just God’s voice. …This was the same lady who quoted Robert Frost because it’s what she was being “told” by the “voice of God” to quote to me at my high school graduation party.

So…in my mid 20’s, after trying to astutely hear any and every spiritual voice near me as I was told to do to be a good Christian…I was shocked when I heard a very loud voice that sounded present and not present ask me if I wanted to die. Yes. Ask me, very bluntly, if I wanted to die. I had horrible depression and in deep despair I cried myself to sleep one night and prayed that God would let me die shortly after my mother died if I never married. Because I felt that she was the only one who would care all that much if I died. Sure, other people would care…but not that much. They’d get over it. I’m a very logical person. I may have been right… Anyway, shortly after that night of crying I was possibly asked if I wanted to die by someone somewhere…

In my head I responded with a decline.

A day or two later I was walking with my mom and we were almost hit by a car. It was turning mindlessly and fast at a busy crosswalk and we crossed in front of it and it slammed on the brakes literally a few feet from us. We came inches from being hit. It was shocking. Later I realized how odd that was…

I met my ex-husband that fall.

Now I have people in my life who need me alive. But…these days it’s what to do with the awareness of it all? After my parents do die it’ll be even more odd. And I’m guessing I’m not going to be able to sense their deaths arriving. I hate most surprises. I’ve very rarely been happily surprised in life.

No…if I’m alone, in a way, for 40 years…50 even…oh well. *shrug* I’m realizing that I’m too…dainty for most men today. Much too genuinely ladylike. I may even literally remind them subconsciously of their grandmothers. Ha! …Oh well. I’ll just be an annoying thorn in people’s sides until I die I guess. And I refuse to surrender that until God’s time. I might even lean into it… I’m “half Millennial” regardless. *laugh* If I make it to 75 I’ll be happy… I’m not a bitter person. I’m not an “angry woman.” I’m not “pretentious.” I’m not “cute.” I’m real and I’m upset. Upset. Not angry. Upset.

There’s a lot to be upset about… In the meantime, I’ll take the road less traveled-by and hope to be lucky enough to avoid death or eternal Hell.

And if you’re like me get vaccinated. Please. Covid could kill you.