Shocking

Tonight I did some math and I think God showed me something rather startling. …Truly

It’s amazing what a difference our choices make. Simple ones. Big ones, obviously. But we underestimate them all, probably.

You know…it’s a weird thing. Soulmates really are just that.

My last post was about the 80 something year old artist who found me attractive in college. He clearly thought he had a chance with me… And you know, if I’m being honest, if he’d been more my ideal I’m not sure what would have happened. Would I have been drawn to him? Even at 22?

Anyway…if just a few things had been different in my life…things that really could have been different…I would possibly have met at least two of the ghosts who may be haunting me. Ha! Yes… You’ll laugh. But…I genuinely could have met one or two of these men not just if I’d been born earlier but if just a few decisions had been made differently. Of course, they both would have had to live longer, healthier lives themselves…but if they had taken better care of themselves, loved themselves more in healthy ways…and just a few things had been different in my life…I could have been at the same private parties as them as a young woman. I could have met them more than once. I could have thought they were amazing…

One night in college during Easter Break I was at a swing dance class (remember when those were popular?) an older man asked to dance with me. “Yeah, he comes here often. I wonder if he did swing dancing when it was still new.” my friend said. I swing danced several times but he’s the only man who knew how to lead me. Yes, that sounds creepy, but it is what it is. And no, I’ve had younger very good male dancers dance with me before. Anyway…it scared me. Deeply scared me. Not because I found him weird or off-putting but because I wasn’t sure what was going on.

What if I’d been attracted to one of those men the way one is to a soulmate? I was within close enough proximity to these possible ghostly men, I realized tonight, that one of them could have theoretically taught me to dance. Or talked to me about something we both found and find fascinating… At a party. Seriously. It’s a little taboo. It’s kind of shocking. But…it’s also incredibly romantic if you keep it sane, not perverted and in context.

One conversation. One look into each other’s eyes. Souls. Mine at the very start of being a woman and theirs at the end of being a living man. I think we would have known. What an end. What a startling beginning. But…we came so close to seeing each other while alive. In the grand scheme of things…it was unfathomably closer than I likely realize.