A Messy Life

I’m so totally disappointed with my life romantically speaking. It’s worse than a complete flop. I have no happy romantic relationships to look back on fondly. I’m almost 40. And I’ve tried very hard to do everything right. Perfectly actually. Or if not perfectly than I’ve tried to work with what life has offered me. As in, there were no “Christian guys” to date. Ever. Just…guys who sort of believed or sort of were datable. And it was deeply damaging to me psychologically to be so profoundly isolated…because I was trying to “honor God.” I was a virgin until I was 26. At 24 I prayed to die if I never got married because it was becoming…vile. And so then I started dating men who weren’t Christians. *eye-roll* …No, I’m not anything but heterosexual and I really was just that unbelievably dedicated.

No, finding true love or love at all was literally the one thing I was most looking forward to about growing-up. But I’ve found nothing but misery. No mutual, happy, romantic love at all. Passionate sex. Bad sex. Users. Childish men. Abusive men. Friends. Best friends. Men I wish I’d never known existed. But no living men I’d ever like to spend more than a few hours talking with. Not that my ex is entirely included because he’s a catch and we just aren’t/weren’t meant to be together as a couple forever. We’re very close and still legally married, but not…in love. We are separated but still share our lives together to support and encourage each other and raise our kids. It’s unconventional but it’s functional as it is. We brought our kids into this world and it’s our beautiful, God ordained duty to raise them well. My ex is a very good father, as much as I can see. And I don’t say such things thoughtlessly, by any stretch of the imagination.

But yes… After much thought and prayer…I’m letting myself go. Go…off…the deep end. *laugh* Just a bit.

I’m going to prayerfully let myself be observably single for the next 40 to 50 years…should God allow it. Because I’m tired of it. Exhausted by it, actually. If they’re not demons…I’ve had more fulfilling, romantic interactions with dead men than any man alive. Ever. It’s pathetic…except…I’d like to think there are some living men I’ve just never met who’d be a “better” match. …But until I meet them…should they even exist…I’m “taken.” If God allows it. Of course, only if God allows it. But if He does…I may be done for the rest of my life. *shrug* We’ll see…

I’m done having kids. I have two great kids with my ex-husband. And I’m done trying to hope for nothing… Heartbreaking, unfulfilling nothing.

I keep thinking back to when my mother had heart surgery a few years ago. At a Catholic hospital that’s since been closed… And…where do the Catholics go when they die? Hell? Or do they cease to exist? Where do the Calvinists go? Hell? Or do they cease to exist? Maybe it’s the Pentecostals who cease to exist?! …The Jews all go to Hell? No! Muslims? Or…are the fundamentalist Catholics right and only 5 people are good enough to avoid Hell? Literally 5. It’s a very narrow road. Extremely narrow. Or…do we truly have to trust that God is good and work out our faith with excruciating fear and trembling?

Well?! Do you know?

Be careful Boomers. If ghosts exist you might see us chatting between two realms someday soon. Literally. Maybe some of you already are? Are you ready to die? Or are you expecting a rapture to arrive beforehand? Because of course the rapture will happen before the Boomers all die. *laugh* Oh well… Only God knows. Or no? You’ve calculated it down to the day, hour and exact time zone the first person will be taken up?

Just some rambling.