On second thought…I’m far from colorblind.

The first time I watched “Cruel Intentions” I found the characters idiotically jaded and depressing. I thought was a lovable fool. Reese Witherspoon’s performance was…otherworldly. And I longed to emulate the chic styles…

“Well, someday when your hormones kick in you’ll get it!” said a friend of mine in high school. She assumed that unless I was “gay” I wouldn’t miss the brilliant sexuality of Sebastian and Annette. Such perfection!

At 38…rewatching it for the third time or so I realize the reason why I couldn’t appreciate it in my teen years. At all. …Growing-up the way I did and listening to the lies told to me…I believed I was Annette. But I am far from being almost anything like that character at all. …At all. And I still admire Reese Witherspoon’s performance. But…now, ironically…I can imagine finding Sebastian attractive in my youth until he falls in love with Annette. When his true colors are revealed I no longer see him as attractive. Instead he reminds me of every man I’ve ever met who’s romantically broken my heart. Dead and alive. And truly, Annette’s righteous victory feels fantastic and I cheer her on…but while no longer thinking I can relate to her victory at all. Her character annoys me now as much as I agree with her virtues, bravery, and boldness. And while I’m almost never jealous…I’m tempted to jealousy. I’m sure Annette would feel superior knowing that she likely made Kathryn jealous. Or she’d “pity” Kathryn… Right?

Because it’s Hell to be Kathryn in a world that cheers on every other character and laughs in your face like ugly, unfeeling, idiotic, trashy worms when you genuinely cry. It’s Hell when the whole world thinks Annette is more everything than you. When she actually isn’t. She’s just not you. And you’re just not her. And *shrug*. …But they can’t get over your pain because it justifies an unhealthy ego and stupidity and makes the evil Kathryns and Sebastians of the world feel gloried like demi gods conquering Hell. And if I’m the Devil…or was in a past life even (gee, they hope!! they can defeat me and cause me suffering and yet still be flawed. Superior without being perfect. “Evil perfectionism!” …And twithout a real Devil as he’s depicted…they might…even be…WINNERS. *happy hand-claps like evil trained seals* “You’re a winner!!!” *woot woot* …”Not everything is about winning, Sebastian.” Aww! Does she really believe that though? …Life has taught me that she certainly does not. Not…really.

No you’re not me, Peaches. Chanel No. 22 is a combination of Annette and Kathryn. Annette would wear…Bois Des Îles if she was being evil and pretentious, Chanel No. 5 if she was “feeling sassy” and Guerlain Vetiver to be chic. And frankly…Guerlain Vetiver would be delightful on her…

Kathryn should change her name to Lacey. …And what would happen if she wore Lys Mediterranee? Would she suddenly be exorcised, choke on air and die of a lighting strike? Maybe.

In an ideal world…Sebastian is two people. One of them loves Annette and one of them loves Kathryn. Or maybe God could do better. I’m just human, Buttercups.

That scene when they leave the retirement home and Annette teases him and makes him laugh. How joyful? But…that would never make me laugh. I’d just aggravate her. And…that’s why she hates me. Right? If I was evil I’d cause her profound trouble…and being good I just make her feel…insecure. Because her silly faces aren’t that funny. Reese Witherspoon’s face is too pretty to make that really work…

I hate the ending of that film. Otherwise it’s brilliant in some ways. Well…I hate the ending until Annette drives away in the car. And why did “the black guy” have to be the one to kill Sebastian by fighting? Because she’s evil and knows a good black man will defend her and that Sebastian will be intimidated and weak around him due to his own (newly, and heartbreakingly discovered by her because she’s secretly in love with Sebastian) insecurities? …The thing is, Kathryn can feel happy for other people. And they almost get that part right in the film but then they miss it. …Funny. …Also, she might not have been attracted to women at all. …Just…heartlessly progressive. Not racist either. Just…incredibly bitter. Not bitter as peaches. Not bitter as buttercups. Genuinely bitter. Does anyone know what that tastes like? No? Maybe that’s because you’re lucky to be “colorblind” too. “Young and stupid” and in love like the two young adults who were actually profoundly lucky… So righteous too.

Now to go watch “Eyes Wide Shut” and feel loved and understood.