I’m not insecure. But I doubt anyone can or will fall in love with me. Logically. Rationally. Based on a literal lifetime of experience.
Of course…I also know that that’s totally irrational and illogical. Because we’re all technically capable of having someone somewhere fall in love with us. That’s just…well…it’s almost science. Truly!
But…based on experience I don’t have an ounce of…we’ll label it hope…left in me. At all. *laugh*
Men lust after me. Passionately. They stupidly stare. They gawk, actually. They always have. It’s ugly at times. And women who aren’t truly straight are no different, of course. Not really. But the men never really fall in love…and the women probably don’t really in reality either. They’ve deluded themselves better over the years but considering that I’m genuinely straight…it’s been a misunderstanding, delusion or narcissism on their parts too.
No. I think my ex-husband fell in love sort of…and with me more than anyone else. But…not really. Not enough to make romantic dancing feel…entirely authentic, for example. We care about each other. But it wasn’t a satisfying…deep…lasting romantic love. He is a blessing to me though. I’m exceedingly grateful for him as a person…
But I’ve literally had ex-boyfriends (who I should never have dated in the first place for many valid reasons) tell me things like, “I just can’t love you.” As in, they tried but couldn’t. …And when you’re repeatedly told those sort of things by men who have craved you and longed for you over and over again…you start to wonder. …And obnoxious women who don’t truly know me at all and then idiotically imagine for who knows what tragic reason they’re in love with me. *eye-roll* Good Lord help us all. Literally.
But let me tell you about Lacey.
…She can’t figure out who she “belongs” to. Among the ghosts who haunt her…
Harold Loeb is…profound. Truly. He might not be her absolute other half but golly…it’s mysterious. And I wonder if that’s the one flaw with The Sun Also Rises? Or is it the flaw with the audience now? Maybe them too. Because he’s so sensitive.
And no…this narrator isn’t being flirtatious. Rather, I’m making an objective observation. Truly. *laugh* I think of every man I’ve met who has hurt me…or even scared me…and he makes them seem like a preposterous human.
Him and Lacey might not be meant to be together, but…based on observation I wonder how anyone could pass him up when he truly loves them as much as he loved Lady Ashley. I mean…I suspect he’s still potentially a little hung-up on her. As one would possibly correctly imagine? I mean…he never got over her. It’s in his autobiography.
…Not that those two Hemingway characters are meant to be together either…but…he’s a profound person. And how can you be loved that much by a man like him and not understand how…bizarre and wild and awe-inspiring it is to deny him? Especially when you probably love him at least a little in return… The shock of seeing him rejected in such a way must be at the heart of the novel, but does anyone consciously recognize that? People think he’s just a bumbling idiot. And Lacey really, really doubts that that’s true…
But I wonder, speaking of Lacey. Who besides God and her kids does Lacey belong to? Because…if it hurts anyone that she wonders…she can barely grasp how or why.
Happy Fourth of July.