Potatoes

“She was a colonizer!” shrieks a Tik Tokker.

“She was a Brit with a title! Fuck them and their fake apologizes! I’m going to go out and get drunk to celebrate her death!” says the cool-kid side of “Irish social media.”

“Wait! You’re going to go out and get drunk?” asks Shannan.

They look at her…and they don’t know what to say.

“Well…maybe you’ll still die. Like next week.” says a hater to Lacey. “Are you still sick?” asks a hater. ?

“I’m on a new antibiotic.” says Lacey.

“How do you get antibiotics?” asks a hater.

“I go to the doctor. …Either online or in person.” Lacey responds.

“Why aren’t you more isolated? And dead? Like…if rich people all collectively died the world would be happier and there would be world peace. And no more problems. Like…all our problems would just disappear. And…every problem would cease to exist.” says the hater.

“What about rich doctors?” asks Michael.

“Okay! First of all, the medical establishment is evil. And dead. And all drugs are bad. And you can cure yourself using supplements. And regardless, you’re just…wrong. Good doctors wouldn’t need money to be doctors. They could barter for their services.” says a hater.

“That’s not practical though.” says Lacey.

“Whatever. You’re just rich.”

“Yeah! Shake it!” demands a scoffing hater.

“Hey! I’m going to try to kill you and your family one last time. Mmkay? And then if that doesn’t work…I’m going to build a giant bunker in my backyard and wait for an attack of robot peasants. I’m a billionaire. A…billionaire. Mmkay?” says a middle-class, selfish, billionaire in the Illuminati of the 21st Century.

“Where is their sense of honor?” asks an Astor who died on the Titanic.

“We don’t have one! You stupid bitch!” yells another middle-class billionaire in the Illuminati of the 21st Century.

“They hate us.” says a Sackler.

“You and your family have seemed so nice. To me, at least.” says Lacey.

“They’re the sacrificial lambs for the quiet evil among us.” says someone.

“But they’re pure evil?!” says a confused Tik Tokker. “Like the British Royalty?”

“Things are probably more complicated than you’d like them to be. I’m sorry.” says an Irishman.

“Don’t be so condescending! That kind of tone is reserved for colonizers!” says a cool-kid, woke Tik Tokker.

“He’s Irish.” says an Astor.

“What’s an Irish?” asks the Tik Tokker. “Is that like, a part of Great Britain? And if so, they too colonized most of Asia and Africa! He’s an Irish colonizer then.” *he shrugs* “He’s a white colonizer!”

“True! And they stole native lands too!” says an indigenous American woman.

“In Africa?” asks the Tik Tokker. His name is Patrick.

“No! Here in the US.” says the woman.

He looks confused. “They don’t live in the US. They live in Great Britain.”

“Yes, but some of them moved to the US during the Potato Famine.” says the indigenous woman.

“Yeah, but like…that’s…”. *he shakes his head no* “They didn’t live as the Irish in America. In America everyone is the same race and ethnicity. They’re American. So…that’s not the Irish, regardless. That’s just…white people.” he patronizingly explains.

“Umm. Are you white?” she asks him.

“Yeah. I’m a quarter Japanese on my maternal grandmother’s side.” he says shrugging.

“But you’re white. Not Asian?” asks the indigenous woman.

“Yes.” he says.

“Then why don’t you go kill yourself and get off my land?” she asks.

“Because I don’t think it’s smart to kill one’s self?” he says patronizingly. *he rolls his eyes*

“What if I decide to kill you?” she asks.

“I mean, that’s…that’s…an old war.” he says. “You gotta live in the 21st Century. Not the distant past.”

“It’s less than 300 years ago that it started.” she says.

“So?! What do you want me to do? Give you your own country?” he asks. “I mean I’d do that but, they’d stop me.”

“Who’s they?”

“All the rich white people in my country.”

“Well, I might kill you then. Why not, by your logic.” she says casually before walking off.

He shrugs his shoulders in indifference to anyone and anything but himself, shakes his ass to show total superiority to all others of his species and would drool if he had any sense, understanding or dignity. Or normalcy.

An otherwise healthy, mentally-challenged person looks at him with empathy and compassion. They feel intellectually privileged by comparison.

“No. No, they aren’t that stupid.” says an Astor to Lacey.

“Really?” asks Lacey.

“No. She’s right. Many people have that level of intellectual awareness and sophistication today.” says Lem.

“Oh dear God, help us. Truly.”

“What are they even really after?” asks a ghost in sadness.

“Not a country. Not an apology. No. They want to literally redo all of human history according to their standards of supposed decency.” says Lacey. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“What about reparations?” asks someone.

“Is that before or after we give all the indigenous back their lands?” she asks.

“We can do it all incrementally!” says a Liberal American politician, speaking very quickly.

“We’ve been doing that. For decades. And that hasn’t made anyone happy.” she says.

“Whatever! I just want clout, bitch.” says a Gen Z Tik Tokker.

“You don’t actually care? It’s all performative?” she asks.

“It’s not performative. No. I really care. I do. I care.” He grins. “I’m just…depressed.”

“Sociopaths get depressed too, precious… Be sure you actually do care. Or some native woman might literally scalp you within the next 20 years. For being a rich white dude.” Lacey says.

“I’m not rich!!!” he says.

“Well, you don’t live in a tent on the side of a busy highway. Do you?” she asks.

“You stupid, rich bitch! You have no idea what it’s like to suffer!” says a hater.

“I mean…she seems…like a jerk.” says a female hater.

“She’s a Norwegian colonizer. They colonized most of North Dakota.” says the Tik Tokker named Patrick, trying to sound smarter. “They invaded in Viking ships. With swords and shit.” he says.

“Through where?” asks a pioneer in Lacey’s family.

“I don’t know. The Pacific?” Patrick responds.

“I mean they likely used armed wagons? Or guns of some sort? Right?” chimes in another angry-anti-colonializer.

“I mean, they had to use guns. Right? They couldn’t have just defeated them with like sticks and stuff?” says Patrick half seriously.

“Nah! Nah! They used guns for certain. Probably bombs too.” says the other fellow.

“Bombs?! Nah. Those were invented in the 1920’s. After the end of the First World War. I saw a video by a super smart historian on Tik Tok.”

“Right! But the pioneers were like-I mean they took the lands by like when?”

They both look confused.

“Probably by at least as early as the 1980’s or so?”

“That’s actually somewhat accurate.” grins a so-called progressive intellectual. “The indigenous people have progressively lost land since the 1980’s. It’s been taken from them by corporations. And it’s all part of the same white, heteronormative, cis, non-little-kid-lover, capitalist, privileged, religiously-protected coup that’s run the world for centuries.”

“Centuries?” asks Lacey.

“Yes! If you go back to the 1600’s in Germany you can find a well documented group of queer tribes who lived near the border of Poland. And from their writings we can see that prior to the 1600’s they secretly rode unicorns, were covered in glitter, ate children and ruled the world. But they became incredibly marginalized people Post-Glitter.”

“Post 1600’s?” asks Lacey.

“I mean, post 1687. But whatever. Dates are fluid.” says the “progressive” with biting condescension.