Horrible People

In a drawing room in upstate New York sits Kirk Billings, Lacey, Elliott Roosevelt, Louis, and Michael. Moderating the conversation are five fathers and God.

“I’m willing to accept that you were both heterosexual men. But I don’t think that’s relevant.” says one father.

“What do you find relevant?” asks a doctor.

“I find it necessary to discuss their feelings. Because our feelings matter to God. And our feelings change.” the first father decides.

Elliott laughs.

“Elliott, did you cheat on Lacey or did my son Lem just steal Lacey from you because he was so in love with her?” asks the second father.

Elliott demurs.

“That’s not fair!” protests Lou.

“No, it isn’t.” his father agrees.

“How about I just decide it doesn’t matter and she’s with me for eternity?” says Michael.

Lem’s father looks disturbed by this. Raises his cupped hand in protest, aghast. Eyes wide open.

“I stole her from him, regardless.” says Lem.

Elliott smiles. “Without it speaking to theology, I did slightly cheat.”

“How?” asks Lacey.

“I gave too much time to Faye.” he smiles. “And my last wife.”

Louis seems upset by this, “You gave too much time?!” he says to Elliott in request for clarification.

“I kissed her.”

Louis looks skeptical.

“Well, and being alive I can’t tell what’s fact and what’s demonic nonsense on this particular matter.” says Lacey.

“I made-out with her.” Elliott says to Lacey.

“I suspect it was more or less than that.” Lacey responds.

“Of course you do.” says his father to Lacey.

Louis finds this moment hilarious.

“He slept with his ex-wife!” Louis’ ex-wife interjects about him.

“He did. But that’s different.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Elliott.

Louis’ ex-wife smiles at Lacey. Apparently she understands what Lacey means about Louis. It makes her cry.

“He’s Louis. And Louis is the sort of person who gets carried away, I think. He’s very romantic. And he gets confused at times and I relate. I could be wrong but I don’t think he slept with her because he was being mean, so to speak… I think he legitimately thought he should. For some reason. It just made sense to him. And again I empathize with that. I’d like to think he could be faithful. I’m not sure but I’d like to think he could be. Can you be, Louis?”

Lem looks at Lacey in surprise. His father smiles at his son’s realization.

“I can be. Yes.” Louis says.

Elliott looks terrible.

“Poor Elliott!” says Lacey sincerely.

Elliott half scoffs and then leans back and slouches in his seat in sadness.

“Michael what do you think?” asks Michael’s father.

“I’m glad she’s not in a gutter, homeless somewhere. Right? Of course she is so ugly she can’t catch the attention of men. And so vile inside no one dead or alive loves her except for God. We’re just figments of her imagination or evil entities. Right? And as such, we’ll go on. And I’ll see you all in Hell?”

Lem laughs.