(Adult 21+ content below warning)


Lacey’s mother used to call her pumpkin. Often.

“Do you celebrate Samhain?” asks Lem.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“The correct way?” asks a female ghost.

“The way God wants me to.” says Lacey.

“Which means what?” asks Lem.

“I go into the caves and worship Jesus.” says Lacey.

“Like the Speakeasy Jesus?” asks a Satanist.

“You’re getting smart.” says Lacey.

The Satanist can’t help but smile. “Okay. I’m human too.”

“So you feel forced into the caves to practice witchcraft but you use the beauty of the holiday to worship the Christian God?” asks a witch.

“Yes. And your have to kill me to make me stop worshiping Christ.” Lacey smiles.

The male Satanist smiles too.

“But she’s not a real witch. You’re possibly just conjuring ghosts to complicate her afterlife.” says the female Wiccan.

“Mm. Is it complicating her afterlife or is it fun?” he asks. “I’m not sure Samhain is Wiccan so much as Gaelic.”

“So you think I shouldn’t celebrate Samhain?” she asks.

“No! I’m not saying that. I just think you should be careful culturally referencing that in her presence.” he says.

She smiles.

“It’s not her holiday because she’s not practicing their religion. But…just think about the entirety of what you’re saying.” he cautions.

“I love God as His daughter, hopefully. But…Samhain is beautiful. Just as the Earth is beautiful. The Earth was probably far more beautiful before the Fall of Man. And Samhain could be a mockery of something far more glorious in Heaven.” says Lacey.

“There really is no but in that last paragraph.” says a former witch.

“There is though. Because we don’t know. We don’t see Heaven yet. And it could be a horrific lie. People die.” says Lacey.

“It could be, but could be doesn’t make it so.” says a ghost.

“It could be a beautiful time of year for saints in Heaven.” says a different ghost.

“But…I don’t know that. So I try to worship God as best I can but the pumpkins call my name.” says Lacey, slightly humorously.

“You don’t actually hear the pumpkins calling to you.” says Scott.

“No, of course not. Not in that way.” says Lacey.

“But they call to you?” asks a former psychic.

“Yes. Like my body will die someday. As we are all but flesh.” says Lacey.

“So you think your ancestral spirits are connected to pumpkins?!” scoffs a blond, Germanic, female, Charismatic hater in her 20’s.

Michael laughs.

“Yes. It’s basic witchcraft. But it’s based on reality. Which is why witchcraft…works.” says Lacey. “It’s not that it’s not real. It’s that it’s evil. Or it’s at least unsafe outside of the parameters set-up by Christ.”

“So you think Christ saved the Earth?” asks a witch seriously.

“Not necessarily? He saved humanity on a person by person basis when humans individually accept His salvation. But…I think God eventually redoes the Earth. And it wasn’t always fallen.” Lacey responds.

“So it’s like if you tried to serve spaghetti and it spilled on the floor and…you picked it up and tried to eat it anyway. If you’re a witch.” she asks.

“Very good spaghetti too. Perfect everything.” says Lacey.

The witch nods in understanding.

“So we could die of food poisoning, no matter how good we are. And that’s your concern.” says the witch. “Or actually, given the filth on the floor…we’re likely to die.”

“Likely. Yes.” says Lacey.

“But then are we supposed to starve?” she asks.

“No! And that’s the part of my Christianity I struggle with.” Lacey smiles.

She smiles and nods.

“Catholicism is helpful in that way though.” says Lacey.

“Well, that’s awkward.” says the Satanist.

“How is that awkward?” asks a Charismatic Christian, confused.

“Because you reject Catholics, for the most part!” says the Satanist.

“Because they pal around with the likes of you guys!” says the Charismatic.

“So you can sing demonic songs about Jesus’ cock in some woman’s mouth in Heaven?” asks the Satanist. “While you shake your asses to the drum beat in your jeans.”

The female Wiccan laughs.

“It doesn’t work to ignore your real human needs.” says Lem.

“Are they just sociopaths?” asks a humanist about the Charismatics.

“Why do they pal around with Satanists?” asks a Charismatic.

“It’s likely a function of social class. And…they both like good spaghetti.” says Lacey.

“Spaghetti is kind of American.” says the female Wiccan.

“Do Charismatics like spaghetti?” asks a Charismatic hater of Lacey.

“I don’t know. When I was a Charismatic I did. But…they seem distanced from that part of reality in my experience. It’s perverse to them, in my observation.” says Lacey.

“How so?” asks a Wiccan.

“Their celebration of sex with Jesus is pedophilic. It’s celebrated pedophilia.” says Lacey. “In my opinion. Or incest. He’s their brother. He’s not sexual in relation to them.”

“Then how do you celebrate being a part of the Bride of Christ?” asks a demon. “You’ve rejected Jesus! You heathen shrew! You should run into his arms and let him kiss you!!! I’ll watch and masturbate! It’s incest! And I’m a demon and I love incest.”

“Yummy!” says another demon.

“Wave your arms like child! It’s fun to see you make a fool of yourself!” says another demon.

“Obviously, no.” says Lacey to the demons. She rebukes the demons to Hell in Jesus’ name.

“You do that? In your Christianity?” asks a Satanist.

“That is Christianity.” says Lacey. “I’m not against worshiping God. It’s actually worshiping God to make love to your spouse. Literally. Because He’s God.” She sighs. “Our sexuality was created by Him. That’s just how massively far beneath Him we are.”

“Okay! But…I don’t think you get the Bride of Christ. He thinks we’re hot shit!” says a daring, narcissistic Charismatic who is sophisticated and knowing in their own estimation of themselves spiritually.

“Jesus think the Bride of Christ is hot? Like He wants to fuck her?” asks Lacey.

“That’s right! I’m a part of Bride that sucks Jesus’ cock in Heaven after the wedding feast. We put out because He gets us off first.” adds a homophobic, bigoted, right-wing, white, straight identifying, Charismatic Christian cis-male.

Elliott and Louis laugh.

“Are you sure you’re ready for the size of a deity’s cock inside of any of your orifices?” asks Lacey.

“Hmm. I think I could handle it!” says a gay man laughing. “And if it causes my spiritual matter to…explode…and makes me cease to exist…that’s just the cost of true love.”

“But it’s the Church as a whole? Right? So it’s all of our collective orifices combined. So…if you combined all of that matter…it would make a hole big enough for a spiritual half-breed like Jesus?” asks Lacey sarcastically.

“Yeah!” nods a demon.

“What about the children in Heaven?” asks a ghost.

“They cease to exist in Heaven! Right?!” answers Lacey sarcastically.

“No.” says someone.

“Lacey it makes no theological sense to make it literal. It’s just a metaphor. That’s all. You know that.” says Joe Sr.. “Don’t you think you’re being mean?”

“But they don’t even respect or understand what a metaphor is anymore.” says Lacey.

“Okay! Explain!” says an angry Charismatic.

“The idea is that Christ loves the Bride of Christ. But…marriage wasn’t about romantic or sexual love in this context, necessarily. It was a legal-thingy.” Lacey says, annoyed. “And if it is sexual beyond a metaphor I reject a lying, pervert God and gladly go to Hell.” She decides. “If it’s truly sexual God is a myth. And He’s pure evil. He’s not real at all. There is no God in fact. Just nothing. And in a year or two I’ll close my eyes, go to sleep, and we’ll all cease to exist.” She smiles. “Because any human who could be so gross as to want a child to fuck Jesus shouldn’t have been born. And if that’s all there is…I refuse to keep existing.”

A Charismatic sticks out his cock in a cave and hopes for Jesus to appear.

“Hey maybe he’s wants a Mary.” he says smiling.

“I’ll get naked and dance for him! It’s Bridal Intercession and He’s big enough for us to share!” says a female Charismatic.

“I mean it’s funky! But you gotta handle that it’s sexual and get off!” says a former drug-addict, straight, male Charismatic.

“Sex is mental first!” says Joe Sr.. “And Jesus is just warming y’all virgins up for a hot wedding night in Heaven. Right?” he asks sarcastically. “Lacey are you still a Christian?” Joe asks her.

“Am I allowed to be? I don’t want my sexuality to be intertwined with Jesus. That’s vile. He’s my brother.” she responds.

“But the metaphor means it’s allowed! Heaven is one big Hellish orgy!” he says sarcastically.

In jest:

Jesus (?) lights candles. Or if it’s not Jesus maybe it’s a dead Jew who looks like the Jesus we see depicted. It’s not meant to be heresy or blasphemy.

…Gets naked. Puts red silk sheets on his bed. Plays Usher. And shakes his bottom.

“Repeat after me!” he commands, with Hitler and the Nazis organizing it all. They threaten Hell for those who won’t put out.

“In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies
And the roses in no simple language
Someday she’ll understand
The meaning of it all

He’s more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heaven
As close as a heartbeat
Or song on her lips
Someday she’ll trust Him
And learn how to see Him
Someday He’ll call her
And she will come running
She fall in His arms
The tears will fall down
And she’ll pray

I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it
Calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere
And can’t feel the chains on their souls

He’s more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heaven
As close as a heartbeat
Or song on her lips
Someday we’ll trust Him
And learn how to see Him
Someday He’ll call us
And we will come running
We’ll fall in His arms
The tears will fall down
And we’ll pray

I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you

We want to pray
It seems to easy to call You ‘Savior’
Not close enough to call You ‘God’
So as I sit and think of
The words I can mention
To show my devotion

I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you”

“I’ll destroy you all for eternity. Right, right? But you all are horny enough to take it? En masse? Hot enough to handle it? Because y’all gods too? Right, right? And y’all gonna get together and form a spiritual entity powerful enough collectively to be able to fuck me? Because en masse y’all a deity?”

“It’s a metaphor.” says an Episcopalian. “But making it sexual is taking it much too far.”

“That song is sexual.” says Lacey.

“No it’s not! No it’s not! No it’s not!” pleads a demon.

“Are you still a Christian?” asks Joe Sr. of Lacey.

“Yes. Because…we aren’t fruits on a tree literally either. And I don’t bear literal edible fruit.” she responds with God’s help.

“Metaphorically.” says Louis. “Not a map to perverse treasure.”

“But I eat your fruit.” says a Charismatic male. “Not so fast!”

“So I’m a tree?” asks Lacey.

He thinks.

“They nailed a dying fruit tree to another tree at the Crucifixion?” asks Hunter S. Thompson. “Dude, that’s trippy! Hey…is God’s relationship with His children sexual via Jesus? Or do you worship evil? Accidentally, I hope.”

“You’re all one big, bland blob of vile, irredeemable shit!” yells Satan.

“Don’t die until you know Jesus. Not as your lover.” says Lacey. “That’s about the church. And it’s possibly not…at all…sexual.” says Lacey.

“How?!” asks an intellectual Boomer. “Everything is sexual.”

“No. Not everything in that way.” she responds. “Read Peter Kreeft.”

“So the crucifixion might have been sexual but not in relation to us?” asks a Charismatic.

“The same way we’re sexual when we go grocery shopping.” says Lacey.

“Were you trying to reject Christ before?” asks a Charismatic.

“No. Not the real Son of God.” she says.

“Fine! But then you’ll have to suck His cock!” says a Charismatic man.

“Why?” asks Lem.

“Because that’s Christianity.” he says.

“It’s Christianity to watch her suck another man’s erect penis?” he asks.

“Jesus was a man.” he responds.

“But He was the Son of God.” says Lem. “He wasn’t just some rich kid.”

“So is there sex in Heaven?” asks the guy.

“Yes. But it’s wrong to call it sex.” says Lem?

“Because it’s not sex?” asks another man.

“No. Because it’s almost like calling chocolate shit.” says Lem.

“It’s that much better?” he asks. “That much more edible?”

“It’s Heaven.”

“But ask for grace. He might even allow you glimpses of Heaven while you’re alive in your Earthly body. Don’t die before your time.” Lem adds.

“Why Jesus?” asks a Jew, seriously. “Why attack a Jewish man in that way?”