Bad Luck

“Lacey is not and never has been a prostitute.” says Michael.

“True.” says Lacey.

“And that is an objective truth.” he goes on to say. “Because God is unchanging and the embodiment of absolute truth.”

“Truth is truth.” says Lacey.

“Men don’t respect prostitutes. And if they currently do it’s a temporary phenomenon caused by utter bullshit being narcissistically shoved down our throats for too long.” says Lacey. “People respect good service? And if you’re not a malignant person you’re nice to waiters too.” She thinks. “But do people respect waiters? …It’s unclear. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.” She feels anxious. “At least, that’s my opinion.”

“Do you think people’s opinions can ever be objective?” asks Lem.

“When they align with God.” says Lacey. “And one has to be careful to do that and claiming the authority of that alignment is…dangerous.”

“Some have claimed that power. And died on that hill, gloriously though.” says Joe Sr..

“Nobody even dares to contemplate that experience anymore.” says Lacey.


“Do they even aspire to it? Or the anti version of that nowadays?” asks Lacey.

“Because there is no truth to many people. There is no God to them either. And we believe that as objective truth. So we fight the anti-Crusades?” asks Lem.

“Or it’s weirder than that. And people don’t want anything to exist at all.” says Lacey. “Even that objective concept.”

“It’s all too complicated to bother!” says Lem sarcastically. “Let’s keep getting stupider.”

“Why did the British let us win?” someone Native American asks. “It’s really not that bad here?”

Lacey has ideas.

“No, it is beautiful. It’s just so sunny. Or rainy in the wrong way. Or hot.” she says.

“You’re right, and my people really liked it.” says a Native American woman.

“Did they really?” she asks.


“It is…an abrasive climate at times. You’re right.” he says. He being a Native American man.

“Why did they come here?” she asks.

The Native American woman laughs. Falls back on the Earth it’s so funny.

“We might have been curious.” says the Native American man.

“And gone on a really long hike.” suggests Lacey.

“It’s a terrifying land.” says the Native American woman. “It messes with a person’s head.”

“God did create a brilliant Earth.” says Lacey.

“And then it fell.” says the Native American woman in grief.

“And we didn’t want to consecrate the land to a deity.” says Lacey. “Not officially, I don’t think at least.”

“Just conquer it.” says Lem. “Hint at Christ. Leave the rest open.”

“Was that smart?” asks the Native American woman of Lacey.

“I think…it’s hilarious.” says Lacey. “And…probably a consequence of The Crusades?” She thinks. “For example, so to speak.”

“But you’d worry it was a bad deal?” asks the Native American woman.

“If we have eternal souls and spirits…it seems like vile joke.” says Lacey.

“A cruel one too.” says the Native American woman.

“That’s part of why it’s vile.” says Lacey.

“And you know if I’m a ghost of beautiful Native woman who was slaughtered by white settlers…that I likely still exist.” She thinks. “And…then what? Why are they doing this to themselves?”

“It’s like a child who eats lye soap because they’re starving.” says Lacey.

“And their parents and them sacrificed us to be able to.” says the woman.

“It’s only hilarious at all because there are things that grow here.” says Lacey. “And people don’t starve physically.”

“You wanted to conquer us for what? For Christ? For England? For what?” she asks.

“I feel like they never clearly answered that.” says Lacey. “Then they just stared tap dancing around it.”

“Dancing around the question in general.” she says bobbing her head like a hippie.

“And shaking their asses.” says Lem.

“Was that an assist from Africa that we were too deaf to hear?” asks Lacey. “Or fully comprehend?”

“What were they doing here?” asks Native American woman.

“That’s the beauty of it!” says Lacey sarcastically. “Everyone gets to…decide that for themselves.”

“How easy is that to do?” asks Michael. “To objectively decide such a huge, epic, massively overwhelming thing on a personal, case by case basis?” asks Michael.

“It’s chaos inducing sooner or later.” says Lacey.

“What’s our culture?” asks Michael.

“Hollywood and the Kennedy’s!” says Lacey sarcastically.

“And we’re like the weird villains.” says Michael sadly.

“Well, there’s jazz and fast food too.” says Lacey.

“Jazz.” says the Native American woman smiling at Lacey.

“And rock and roll.” says Lacey. “So to speak.”

“But why?” asks the Native American woman.

“Yes! Why?!” asks someone dead.

“Money, money, money, money!” says Lacey as a joke.

“Well, they tried. In a way.” says an Ethiopian. “But what to do with the money?”

The Native American woman laughs.

“Fight wars!!” says Lacey. “And buy denim clothing.”

“But why?” asks the Native American woman.

“Well, we sorta do the God thing sometimes.” says a white American man. He shrugs.

“Don’t ask such deep, adult, scary questions! That’s…evil!” says a vicious American to Lacey. “Let’s see. There has to be some way to shut you up permanently without hurting myself too much.”

“It can’t be with love.” says Michael. “That’ll just force the question.”

“Why don’t you just calm down and answer why?” asks Lacey.

“Because we didn’t want to!” says someone.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Maybe we were terrified of answering wrong.” he says.

“And seeming like rebellious teenagers with Mommy England knowing better after all?” asks Lacey.

“That’s a harsh truth Lacey.” says a Muslim.

“We’re still cool-kid Americans! Bad-ass, youthful, know-nothing, wild, cool…American teenagers.” says a Millennial.

“This county is nuts!” says an observer.

“When do we ever decide to commit?” asks Lem.

“We’re still figuring it all out!” says an aging grown-man imitating an angsty teen. Humorously. “It’s a big, crazy world out there, man! And we’ll figure it over time.”

“Hey! Lacey. Wasn’t this an essay you wrote for a political science class?” asks Kick.

“Yes. My professor told me in nice terms I was a pretty idiot.” She smiles. “I mean it’s just bullshit. On a dumb bitch’s bitch blog. Right?!” She seethes. “My son’s generation can fuck my brain out of my skull if they shake their asses in my face long enough?” She seethes. “And their wives will get mad if I’m not jive to it?”

“Do you really see all Boomers as your children?” asks the Native American woman.

“Yes, it’s become that. I can see them as my peers, like a Millennial. But if they act like children objectively…I don’t see them as anything but a child.“ says Lacey.

“That’s honest.” says the Native American woman.

“I have nothing that can be lost.” says Lacey.

“Hey! I know. Maybe you didn’t formulate your thoughts right?” asks a Millennial adult male.

“To be heard?” asks Lacey.

“Yup!!!” he says.

“What if I secretly did that intentionally? Because I wanted to blow-up evil? And I was waiting to figure out how?” asks Lacey.

“You wanted to see if they’d take your thoughts seriously, be able to read them and grasp them at all, or if they’d gate-keep you from success out of spite or blindness?” asks a Native American man.

“Yes. Something like that.” says Lacey.

“And they took the bait. So you went with it?” he asks.

“There are Muslim men who’d love to help us. And give us our why. There are Europeans who have nice things to think about.” says Lacey.

“There are Jews who are very busy.” says a Jew.

“There are blacks and Africans who want to figure out what to do with the land.” says a black man.

“To do what?” asks the Native American woman.

“To eat?” says a black man.

“And drink water?” she asks.

“Hahaha.” says a different black man sarcastically.

“Well I think eating was a great answer says an African.” says an African.

“But it’s not an end.” she says.

“What if we made it a Catholic country?” says a black woman seriously.

“Or just officially Christian.” says the woman.

“That’s not a bad idea.” says a black Muslim man.

“With what meaning to that distinction though?” asks Lacey. “For what end?”

“What would you suggest?” asks the Muslim black man of Lacey.

“May I think about it for a spell?” she asks.

He nods his head and laughs. “Yes, of course.”

“Are you sure that’s not an inconvenience?” she clarifies.

“How long?” he asks.

“How about a half an hour?”

“That’s fine!”



“Perhaps! Perhaps bring world peace!” says a Millennial flirtatiously to the black Muslim man. “See, that’s the answer they’re looking for. You’re over-thinking it. Don’t be so serious. Don’t be so bourgeois. Don’t be so provincial! All men want is sex.“ she says to Lacey.

“That’s the God’s honest truth!” says Messiah College, circa 2000’s. “You’re a sad Amish woman, Lacey.”

“Oh! Is that what she is?! Eww!” says the Millennial woman.

“Well, I mean she could answer that we’re supposed to preach the gospel. But that’s-“

“Yeah. It’s not really what you guys are about. I get it bro. I get it.” says the Millennial woman.

“That’s sad that you’d assume that.” they say piously.

“I guess I should be a born-again Christian.” she says sadly. Seriously.

“Well, we would just like to explain.” they say.

“Explain what then?” she asks.

“Your-It’s-I would like to ask you. I’d like to ask you what it is you’d like to explain.” they say.

“Aren’t you trying to preach to me right now? Like convert me and stuff?” she asks.

“We just want to ask you.” they say.

“Ask me what?” she responds.

“What’s your vocation?” they ask.

“My vocation?!”

“Yes! We like to talk about vocation.” they say.


“It’s about your place in God’s Kingdom.” they say.

“Sorry! This is taking a bit longer than I expected!” says Lacey to the black Muslim man.

“Say, what’s that answer?” he asks.

“I’m being interrupted.” she says.

He breathes deeply. “They’re being rude!”

“Yes.” says Lacey sadly.

An Englishman laughs.

“I can see why the chandelier was a nice option.” he says.

“Ahh!!!!” screams a foreign man declared legally British. He’s getting scared.

“I think we should really be isolationistic right now.” says Lacey. “It’s a great moment right now to be isolationistic.”

“I can see that.” he says.

“But not cold and unfeeling to the world, of course.” she says.

He nods quickly in understanding.

“If we can figure out how to police ourselves appropriately and work together here as Christians, or those who choose not to be Christian, then maybe we can police the world and preach the gospel of Christ at the same time. But, for those ends.”

“You mean, actually take yourselves seriously?” he says.

“Yes. And if we fail at that then we fail. But it seems that’s what we want to do.”

“So do you run the world or just go around straightening everyone out?” he asks.

“I don’t think we do well at running the world.”

“Well, at least we being the US.”

“Exactly. Isn’t that sad?!”

“To be fair it’s a very difficult job.” he says.

“But I think we make a great police force.” she says. “If we could just take ourselves more seriously in that way.”

“She’s right.” says an Indian.

“When we actually take ourselves seriously.” she says.

“How much power does a country need to be the police?” asks the Indian.

“Enough. Enough to be threatening.” she says.

“So you came here just to start a worldwide Puritan police force?” asks the Native American woman.

“Not necessarily.” says Lacey.

She nods understandingly at Lacey.

“But they’re the ones who…took over?” she says.

“Psychologically. Yeah.” says an observer.

“Some people just wanted to be left alone.” says Lacey. “Make money, hideout, mind their own business and be truly left alone.” says Lacey.


“Not necessarily interact with the world outside.” she adds.


“But populations grow. Over time. And people like the Puritans had an end.”

“They did.” says the black Muslim man.

“Do you think they’ll ever consecrate it respectfully to God?” asks the Native American.

“I hope so.” says Lacey.

“Do you think they’ll ever decide to grow-up and be real Puritan adults en masse, clearly labeled, honest about their Christian intentions?” asks the Indian.

“Not decide they’re permanently too cool for their parents?” says Lacey.

“Exactly. They don’t need to be their parent’s friends. Just respect that that’s their origin. And understand that concept. They can even reject their parent’s conclusions, but not ignore reality.” says the Indian.

“Well yeah, that’s part of being the Puritans. You try to be right. All the time. Always.” says a Millennial.

“Sincerely so.” says Lem.

“So does cancel culture have a place in this?” asks a YouTube star.

“Of course it does!” yells Lem.

“You just shouldn’t go too far.” says Lacey. “See? Did you catch that?”

“Because going too far cancels out the canceler? And then what’s the point of canceling? You could just let the Europeans or Muslims take over the US.” says an American millennial.

“So we’re supposed to take things seriously? And deal with the fact that we invaded North America and now, as descendants in a sense, have to deal with the consequences?” he thinks.

“Which is essentially the conception we had of ourselves in the 1800’s and early 20th Century, I suspect.” says Lacey. “But we strayed from that. The huge influx of new immigrants affected our self-perception. And we might not have liked our ideas about how to handle our reality as Americans.”

“If you don’t like what’s being said change the conversation?” asks a Gen X male quoting Mad Men.

“Except if you never revisit the topic, forget it existed and then get completely side-tracked…how do you solve the problems you were trying to solve?” the YouTubber asks.

“You don’t. You get hurt. Or you hurt someone else. And I end up living…metaphorically or otherwise…on a giant chandelier in Vienna in 1981. Maybe 1954? Maybe 1990?” says Lacey.

“Maybe 1935.” says someone.

“Joe, what were you trying to do with the US?” asks a woman of Joe Sr..

“Is that any of our business?” asks the YouTubber.

“He was trying to Catholicize it. Make it very Irish. Put his family in charge. But really, make it comfortable for people like him. Possibly refrain if the ruling powers that be were worth listening to. Worth it. …But otherwise it was a change of direction for the entirety of the country.” says Lacey. “That’s my suspicion.”

“To make us all honorary Kennedy’s?” asks someone.

“I guess Lem still gets to be the first man after all.” says someone jokingly.

“Joe why didn’t you realize they couldn’t be turned into Kennedy’s?” asks someone.

“He saw them conquer the Native Americans and use the blacks and thought he could do the same thing. Only in his own Joe way.” jokes Katharine Hepburn.

“So he has a lovable side?” asks a hater.

“Of course!” says Katharine.

“Well, the Puritans were…tough. Very dominant. Not to be quarreled with.” says Lacey.

“You were sold up a creek!” someone yells at the Muslims.

“They were. But by Mad Men, I suspect. Not in my opinion, Puritans.” says Lacey. “Of course, I have sympathy for everyone involved.” says Lacey.

“How far down the creek are we?” asks the Muslim man.

The Native American woman shrugs in exasperation.

Lacey sighs. “It’s impossible to tell them all how to behave and live. And think. You can’t make them care. They’re not my kids. And I’m already exhausted. And they hate me.”

“They’re not your nieces and nephews either.” says a Boomer.

“No. Just other adults.” she says.

“I bet the kindest thing people have ever told you is an honest, cold, ‘I don’t care if you live or die, so I’ll just genuinely back off and watch you take care of yourself.’” says someone to Lacey.

“Well, and maybe some people have tried to help. Genuinely. But yes.” she smiles.

A pathologically ill hater starts crying like she’s Lacey and it’s happening to her. “I’m so empathetic. I’m an empath. It feels like it’s happening to me.”

“Would you cry like that if I was in the same room with you? That’s my pain.” asks Lacey.

“Don’t hurt me!” she cowers and begs like Lacey is abusing her now.

“Answer the question.” says Lacey calmly.

“I don’t know you. No. I just…” she says.

“You like power?“ asks Lacey.

“I think she gets confused between feeling superior and feeling like nothing. And she can’t grasp that she’s just totally out of line, even if she has some gut instinct that you’re suffering.” observes a perfume hater.

“And I am. But possibly not for reasons she can use for her own advantage.” says Lacey.

The YouTubber laughs. “I highly doubt there’s anything she can do other than offer her prayers. If that’s your thing anyway, Lacey.”

“Who is she praying to?” asks Lacey.

“It’s unclear hun.” says a gay man.

“Then I think I’ll pass on anything. Seems wise.” says Lacey. “Thanks anyway!” says Lacey, like a Puritan.