Indecision

The other day it occurred to Lacey that she might be talking with actual ghosts…in Purgatory. Or in Heaven.

The Catholics don’t necessarily say that ghosts don’t exist. Quite the opposite.

“Oh! How exciting!” says someone supporting her from the transgender community.

The problem is…it means it’s real. And not just real but…God is watching.

And it’s not that she hasn’t known this. It’s more that she’s lived in this…limbo psychological place where nothing is certain. And it’s all mysterious and wondrous. And now that the actual Catholic Church is awkwardly waving at her…she’s worried.

“So this is…serious serious?” says a trans woman acting empathetic in saying what she believes Lacey is saying in her mind.

“And yes that’s exactly it.” says Lacey. “It’s serious serious.”

“That dream I had last night of Louis might have actually been him.” says Lacey. “And if so, he’s not happy about having to let me go.”

Silence.

“I honestly can’t figure out who I’m supposed to belong to.” she says.

“What do you need from these men to figure out who…wins, for lack of a better word?” asks someone.

“I hate you!!” yells a perfume hater.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because you’re popular with men. Okay?! That’s why I hate you. All the other crap bothers me. But the biggest reason we hated you was because we thought men found you so attractive.” she says.

“I bet the majority of your hostility is due to class anxiety.” says Lacey. “But do tell.”

“I just tend to find more attractive people superior in my head.” she says. She shrugs.

“Because you’re a narcissist?” wonders Lacey.

“Yes.” she says.

“Hmm. Fascinating.” Then Lacey wanders in her head to the matter at hand. Not because she doesn’t care.

“What do you need from these men?” asks the woman. “I repeat!” she says humorously.

“I need one of them to pick me instead of the other way around.”

“But oh I think they’ve all picked you.”

“I think I need one of them to be very certain he’s the one I should be with.”

“Not controlling. Just certain.”

“Yes.”

“That’s very deep.”

“Thank you.”

“Because if he knows you can trust him.”

“Exactly!”

“I hope one of them is that supremely and sublimely confident.”

“Me too. Thank you.”

“That whole, asking-guys-out-thing has been soo awkward for you.” observes a Millennial man.

“It’s just not me.” says Lacey.

“Do you feel like you hurt men though?” he wonders.

“That’s a tough question. A part of me would be hurt if they aren’t a little disappointed at least. But at the same time I worry about hurting them.” she says.

“Well, like me. What if I asked you out?” he wonders.

“I would be sorry to have to likely turn you down.” she says.

Michael laughs.

“What’s so funny?” asks Lem.

“In her life the line between life and death is so thin that God clearly controls it. And as such, I can claim some sort of right to her life almost.” he says. “Her fidelity in life.” He marvels.

And now…on to perfume.