“Why I’m Angry!” by Chris Hayes

Lacey Banks.

Those are all the same. I’m an expert. Trust me. Right?

Right?

Yeah. They really are.

You don’t see it. But I’ve been forced to understand. Bill Gates is old. He prefers the Lacey version. …I…don’t like…any of them.

No. I really don’t.

Lem…was very tall and very big. Lem was huge. Lem…let’s be honest…doesn’t look anatomically gay.

Who does look gay? JACK KENNEDY. Who does look BISEXUAL? Mmm…maybe Cary Grant? Who does look gay ROCK HUDSON. …Actually…Rock Hudson was HOT. Lacey doesn’t think so…but that’s because Lacey’s a straight, cis, woman. …There was a lot of hype about Rock Hudson…but I’m starting to think it was just hype. He’s way too gay…to have been an organic female heartthrob. Maybe gay men used women as cover?

Michael Rockefeller? Yeah. Honestly…he has the same sexual appeal as Cary Grant. And…I find bisexual men…fascinating.

Are they straight? No! Are they gay? Nope. They are not.

Am I one of them? Mm…ish. Sorta.

Do bisexuals have privileges? YEAH! Yeah…they do. …But I honestly doubt Lem was bisexual. Maybe he was pansexual? Maybe. …But I think it’s highly likely he was straight.

Let’s be honest. This look:

Appeals to the guy on the right. NOT the guy on the left.

The guy on the left knows what to do…the guy on the left…simply does not. …Marilyn died. Lacey actually is too sexy. And she knows that…and she hides it.

In the 1950’s she wouldn’t have. Because they were more innocent back then. Lem wasn’t. Lem was confused but he wasn’t…”innocent.” …Lem was probably straight and good-hearted…possibly innocent…but that man is just not “innocent.” But…he was pure and confused…and Marilyn didn’t sleep with him.

Why does this bother me? Because I’m a victim.

Don’t contort that photo. Her ass looks like Betty Grable’s but hotter.

Don’t keep lying. It’s starting to piss me off. You’re hurt you don’t look like that. You’re hurt your wife doesn’t look like that. You’re hurt your mom, your sister or your sister don’t look like her. She’s hot. She’s like a sexy Grace Kelly. And Lem is hot too. They both are.

Lacey is more fertile and maternal and serious than she would be as a pure Millennial. At least. It’s called evolution. Get…over it.

Look…Lacey looks like a full-body apparition. So maybe…maybe…that’s her anatomical…state. And she’s being like Lem. Openly. Honestly. …What the hell do we expect of her? Even though Lem was hesitant for pure reasons because he was straight…he tried to he honorable. She’s trying too. They both want to be honest…and that’s how they’re so similar…and actually…I wonder if…she’s braver than him. She’s not Jack. But I’ll let them sort that out. I have a feeling…being straight…he’s mortified. Or is he? I don’t know.

I’m…me. And I’m not…Lem. I’m more like Jack. But I feel like…I’m both more straight and less straight than Jack.

…If I’d fucked Marilyn…she’d not have died. So I feel like as toxic as I probably am…I’m not…that gay. …I mean why? Lem was never going to screw her…no matter how much he liked her sexually…and even Lacey knows that…so what was Jack’s problem? Was it some…incestuous thing? With Bobby? Or was he just paranoid? Gay and paranoid? …As paranoid as I can be…I’d never have been…so wasteful. Right? Like…I could still enjoy her.

My wife…is…my style. And I hope she finds that to be a compliment. I like Diego too. But Kate is my ideal person. What does that mean? I don’t know. I’m queer and she’s my ideal.

Why am I angry? Well…because I had the impression that Lacey was being…offensive I guess? And it prompted me to extreme rage. I mean…it’s complicated. I’m not totally innocent. But…wasn’t she being offensive? I had the distinct impression she was being offensive.

Matthew…if she’d been there…and that scene had happened…in our universe…wasn’t she being offensive? Weren’t you offended?

“No!” says Matthew Perry.

But…you…were being snubbed.

“No! She was terrified of me.” says Matthew Perry. “I can get in her head. And…she’s in love with Lem. Very, very in love. And…she’s…not mean. She doesn’t want to waste my time. And…I’m not an idiot. She’s rare. But…there are other women. And…I actually…am picky too. I’m…good at finding women…but…I’m very picky.”

“So you didn’t get laid?!?” says Chris, outraged.

“Yeah… I did. I had a girlfriend. And…she prefers women like Lacey. Because…they’re…eye-candy. But…that’s all.” says Matthew Perry. “But the problem is…Lacey…didn’t work. She’s not…an easy Millennial. Even if she could be one fully. …So…maybe if I slept with her…and I haven’t…but if I had…it’d have gotten way too weird. Like…way too serious. And…we like each other…but neither of us…wanted that.”

“Why?!?” asks Chris.

“Because we don’t have plans to be with with other. So…why do that? That’s…hurtful and strange.” says Matthew.

“But sex is great!” says Chris.

“Yes! So true. …But…it’s not just a physical sensation. …You understand that, right?” asks Matthew.

Olga’s Destruction by Thom Yorke plays as people suddenly find Friends super creepy. Matthew Perry seems…haunting.

Why was he so…quiet? What’s with Monica? Why Monica in the LATE 1990’s? The whole series feels like a super creepy Stanley Kubrick piece. Laden with absurdly subtle details that have an eerie synchronization with Lacey and Lem and a great many other things. Monica. Lewinsky? Monica? The use of the color purple and New York City and coffee? The Watergate Hotel and…Lacey’s dad and Monica Lewinsky…and yet…it’s too nice? Friends who sleep together? Or do they? Who else does Matthew Perry sleep with? Possibly no one? And yet in real life he’s a single drug addict? Who’s straight? And the supposed bad relationship with Jennifer and her mom? Why didn’t Matthew and Jennifer ever sleep together? That’s too shocking. And yet…we think we’re so edgy and daring? Or what we know he’s madly in love with Monica? Why is that never discussed? It’s weird.

I’m trying to change. But I’m sounding like Lacey now.

Am I right in presuming I’m off? And I’ve been off since this all started? Why did I care? Was it just journalistic instinct gone awry? I’m right in believing she’s a story. But…I think…I got addicted because…I’m fascinated. It’s not just narcissistic rage.

Lacey does Chandler love Monica?

“Yes! To a point. And vice versa.” says Lacey.

“Chris…just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them.” says a rockstar.

“So…they could have great sex…but…neither of them want to. And…we don’t get it.” says MSNBC.

“Yup. It’s…unappealing.” says Matthew Perry. “Look…there are other hot dead women. And I might…like them more.” says Matthew. “Not more as in its an insult to her. It’s just…not my problem. I’m more…mature and understanding than that. Thank God. And so is Lacey. I’m having good sex. Just just not with Lacey. Or anyone associated with her.”

“Yeah! Rachel and Chandler…should have been together. But it would have scared us.” says a reader.

“Look…Lacey and I are the smelly cat. We…fall apart.” says Lem. “And…the show mocks us. And yet doesn’t.”

“That’s awful. And when her friends tried to help her…it got both better and worse. She has an amazing body she hides. And everyone mocks her sublime decency and lies about her beauty.” says Lem. “It’s like a cultural perversion. Very similar to me. But in reverse.”

“Lacey is extremely unphotogenic.” says Lem.

“I was unphotogenic too. And when you put Lacey next to me…it’s terrifying. Can you imagine how creepy it wound have looked to see us together?” says Lem.

“She’s not Jack. She’s not pushy. Do you know why she’s pouting? Because she’s leaving England the day after this photo was taken. Literally. And it’s devastating to her.” says Lem.

“What would happen if you made her eyes look into mine? I’d have fallen apart into tears in this photo. …Except for the fact…that I’d overwhelm her. And then…I’d realize she secretly wanted to kill me. But that it was entirely fair because I’d somehow attacked her personally…for no good reason at all.

Then…I’d have felt incredibly stupid. Actually she would have because…well…if you’ve read this blog…you know what would have happened. The thing is…she knows I’m not myself here. And she loves me unconditionally. Truly. …And I’m…not one to be dumb enough to not grab her and run off.” says Lem.

“I’ve seen Lacey naked and I don’t recall her being that voluptuous. Except for one time when she wore a pink pair of underwear from Victoria’s Secret and then when I stop to think about that I get scared because I realized what I was doing and I can’t figure out why I did it.” says her ex-boyfriend.

“I know what you were doing.

There was one time I was sleeping with a man and since I was straight and I was very drunk, I said to him, ‘Who are we thinking about tonight? And he looked at me like I was absolutely out of my mind, and I had to explain to him that I was referring to a woman and it was a horrible fight, and it led to a lot of people who I was friends with at the time, thinking that I was asexual, not straight, but asexual because they couldn’t deal with the reality of the fact that I really just wanted to be with a woman that Jack had sort of confused me, because if that meant Jack wasn’t straight and it meant that maybe they weren’t straight or maybe someone they knew wasn’t straight that they didn’t want to think wasn’t straight or maybe their wife wasn’t in love with them. There was a lot of lying and so it was far easier to spread a rumor that I was asexual, but the point is. I was avoiding looking at him because I didn’t want to look at his body. My idea of being gay was to have physical sexual interactions with men, and while I was entirely thinking of women which is not straight gay, and it actually isn’t even bisexual because I didn’t want to sexually look at the man at all, I wanted to have sex with a woman, but I thought I was gay and so the only way to engage in any sexual activity at all. I was to just let my mind wander off and think about a woman why weren’t you looking at her body, I know what you looked at. You looked at the area by her boobs above the boob And then that made her breast look a lot smaller than they were. What area progress did you avoid looking at and why?” says Lem.

“ well them I avoided looking at the breast themselves. I valuated their size and I thought they’re not that big they made me feel better about myself, but I also like big boobs even on my wife doesn’t have big boobs but to be honest with you it’s creepy because I avoided looking at the nipples and the longer I looked at her boobs they didn’t look a small they looked weirdly larger and I’m just realizing that that’s how her whole body was to a certain extent it’s like if I looked at her waist, I thought she was fat, even though she probably only weighed like 120 and she’s 5 foot seven at the time so she didn’t have a weed problem. She wasn’t overweight at all I would seriously if she would probably about 120 505, 125 pounds but in my head, if I focused on her on her waist, I could tell myself that she was fat because she had such a round face except her face isn’t even that round. It’s just that she has as high cheekbones and then the chin line is on usually soft, but it isn’t unattractive so I should double chin. It’s just extremely sensual, I liked her but the bat was obviously attractive but it’s funny because I grabbed her butt and I don’t know why but I didn’t expect her to like that and then I realized that she didn’t care because we were dating and it was a female, but and I was like shit she’s got like a really soft voluptuous ass then I was just like you that’s like sexy butt and I don’t wanna touch your ass and I feel bad because it was like this. Poor woman is gonna be devastated by me you don’t she wasn’t I was she was but maybe not in the way that I wanted her to be, why did I avoid looking at her and getting aroused because for some reason I think it scared me my wife is ugly compared to her and in my head when I was with her I did the opposite. I made everything about her look infinitely more beautiful than I was with Lacey it was just like I didn’t wanna deal with the reality of how beautiful she was because it scared me. I don’t think that it’s a genetic thing in the sense of like her being too old is mean we’re the same age but I think there was something to that that scared me and I think I know what it is but I don’t like it because it’s just as depressing it’s incredibly depressing you know I’m Catholic that doesn’t scare me because I know that it all gets sorted out and unlike some people I don’t think it happens here on this earth until God returns if he does I’m in that way, but I just I think you have to fix it because I don’t think that we’re capable of creating you know paradise on earth that’s popular theology with some people but I think it’s just other bullshit and I think most Catholics find it actually kind of scary and I’m one of them to listen to people that are incredibly antagonistic towards organize Christianity and who have some frightening Lee utopian view of the world are annoying idiot I have an IQ of about 140 and I have my graduate degree from Johns Hopkins I can tell right now that I’m being channeled possibly I’m dead and I really don’t appreciate Dr. Moore. It’s looking at me like I’m an idiot for thinking that what he thinks as a sole theologian is bullshit cause I guarantee you some of the best theologians that are alive right now who aren’t narcissistic idiots can handle being challenged, I’m a narcissistic idiot. That’s why Lacey hates you because I would argue with her and I’ll always be wrong I do, but I wasn’t a gentleman enough and I also was too much of an insecure prick to handle that the truth is I probably influenced her. I am very conservative are used to be, and I might still be to some degree fiscally actually I’m a libertarian but I am I’m not as much of a libertarian as I used to be because of dating her. I am I’m very intelligent I mean I’m definitely I have an IQ 140 something it’s been tested so beautiful but anyway getting back to, you lame arm I think it made me feel poor and short. I am short compared to a lot of men. I am not as insecure about that some people are in, but it also made me feel poor and I couldn’t. I don’t know why, but it made me feel really poor because it it just there was some thing about it that seemed to sophisticated it was like why this is arousing but I can’t fucking figure out why it’s arousing. I have no fucking clue why this is so arousing. I mean to be honest with you. It’s like a very expensive car I kind of Sarah can drive it I have a feeling you’re kind of one of them one and clearly it’s like what Chris is saying you know what to do you know how fast to go do you know how to drive around the curves you know what not to do to make the car lose control of itself I don’t know that stuff, I have a feeling Michael’s probably pretty good at it too. I don’t understand. I have no clue how to handle her so to speak no clue I have a feeling her husband struggles that legally is married to her but I also have a feeling that, even if it is like a disaster that he’s the kind of person that just shrug stuff off, and then tells a story about it and I have a feeling that he probably Spenser out of control and there’s a reason she’s so close to death, but I also have a weird feeling that if she did die the whole family would probably be dead and then they would just be some funny story to tell because that’s who he is. He was probably a very big deal in his frat. He probably makes more money than I do his infinite masters degree yeah OK he passed like what 10 actuarial exams in his sleep, I went to a far better school than I did and his father paid for it and he graduated probably near the top of his class but still you know it’s like it’s a class thing her husband struggles but he’s daring enough to do it you can do it and it would be fine. Michael does it and it’s like an art and I’m not trying to say that you’re not her twin flame but I have a feeling Michael’s probably better behind the wheel than you are, even if you own the car cause I don’t know Michael’s like an expert or something open Louis pretty good behind the wheel too and so is Harold. I mean you’re all extraordinarily old money or old money at least Elliot is as well. Um, I don’t think that I realized that if I grabbed your boob that it was a boob and yet I think I did and I can see why she thinks I’m not strict. I was very attracted to her but I think it’s because I like women ha but I don’t think I realize that if she was more obviously curvy to me. I probably wouldn’t have even wanted to sleep with her at all, not because it’s like I don’t find her arousing because there be something more offputting about it to me it’s like crap. Why don’t I want a woman with a large chest you know and and that’s how we are and that’s not obvious thing to see when someone’s trust her when she wasn’t dressed, that was, it was a tractive, but it was also him it was also sort of offputting. I once told her that in my ideal world she would walk around without a bra because she had such beautiful brass.

And I was completely serious I was just like why don’t you just walk around without a prop because your breasts are so beautiful. I think you should just see them and I don’t think most people have a sitter that beautiful without like a bra, but the shape and it’s just I thought she should just walk around without a bra, all the time you know some of the T-shirts who would wear back then or sort of fitted and it was like why why don’t I just tell her to do this because I will I am really that daring of a person and I just thought why doesn’t she just do that why doesn’t she just walk around without a bra? I don’t think anyone would be offended because she doesn’t have a large chest, and it would be really amazing, if she just walked around without a bra and I thought if I was you, I would do that I would just walk around without a bra and let everyone see my boobs because they’re so beautiful and no one‘s gonna be offended so it’s just dumb you’re just a dumb woman. That doesn’t understand that people want to see your boobs but now that I’m older and I think about things are used to say like that I think why the hell did that makes sense to me that’s insane.

And she knew that she knew that at the time she knew that it was an immature, idiotic idea, but she was very nice about it but I’m sure that was extraordinarily on arousing to her and offputting him and I have a feeling it was somewhat insulting because it’s like she’s gonna walk around without a bra on so that everyone can see her boobs And you know there’s a episode of madman or there’s a woman who runs around without a bra because she’s jogging if Lacey or Marilyn were to have run around without a bra no it’s it’s X-rated it’s insane and I’m sure there are other women who have boobs like that too I think a lot of people in my generation have been incredibly stupid because we think we look the same and so if we where are the clothes will look the same and we don’t Trust me I slept with her to some degree. We wouldn’t actually have sex, but she doesn’t look like you guys. She really doesn’t people have evolved that’s not just a myth. I am sure that people thought Marilyn should walk around without a bra I mean, that was the whole point of that dress she wasn’t wearing a bra the famous glittery dress, and then I think whose fucking idea was it for her to walk around like that his birthday I had the idea and if I’m not entirely straight OK and I might insist that I am, but Lacey would probably insist that I’m bisexual so if I had the idea that she should walk around like that What was Jack thinking? I don’t think Ploen would ever think that made sense and he’s right it’s insane and Lacey knows better because Lacey having some sense of direction from her family and also possibly having a moment or two of being able to be parented by her father doesn’t want she understands the concept of rape, even if she was molested well enough to know that you, you don’t do stuff like that OK and that irritates me because I think a lot of people think that we look we don’t look the same OK women maybe are arousing to look at notice, but I honestly think that they can get away with wearing loss because I think they actually do look slightly less feminine and there’s some thing a little less scary about it at least in America my wife is like that at least he’s not if she if she dressed more provocatively she get way too much attention and Maryland and Marilyn got a Normas amount of attention. Are you following everything I’m saying or is it too complicated? The point is basically just think these things through a little slower, because as brilliant as I am, it’s taking me a long time to sort this all out. I am I I couldn’t love her as what I told her and it was true and it wasn’t a mistake to break up with her but I probably should’ve told her the truth I can’t love you and I think it’s for the best for both of us and honestly, you need to find someone better for you than me. I found someone better for me than you she’s more what I’m looking for and it’s not like an insult to you. It’s just that’s what I want and I think it would’ve been very helpful to her as a person to have heard that, but after seeing her boobs I had in my head that she couldn’t handle hearing that have you ever looked at Marilyn’s boobs? They’re very pointy you wanna why her boobs look smaller with the Bron that was part of my thought. They look bigger when she’s not wearing a bra Because the bras at Victoria’s Secret are all curved. There are no bras nowadays unless if you were like a lace bra that has no padding I’m kind of into fashion. Sorry if you if you wear a bra that has no padding, you can kind of see the shape of her boobs more and probably looks somewhat scandalous, but but the but the the the round bras I’m sure she’s gotten better dressing herself she’s gotten older because we all do but just some degree but they slide out her chest even if they’re a push-up bra, they made her boobs look smaller, not bigger, because the shape of her boobs that they’re like it’s like Marilyn’s they jet out And so if you put that in like a round bra, it just pushes and pushes the the breast back into the body. Anything about how boobs are when you smash them with your hand you can smash them into the body and that’s what happens with her breast when you put them in like clothing that is made for a different shaped breast They smashed back into her body. It might even be making her look fatter because it’s smashing the boob back into her body OK and honestly I’m angry because whether I’m bisexual or not I feel like it’s a lie and just I’m Italian I’m Sicilian things like that bother me a lot and it just irritates me. OK it irritates me because that’s not a correct fitting bra And we had this woman walking around who has like a petite body like Marilyn like Caroline most petite but Lacey‘s like more petite looking than her OK she just does even if they’re about the same height Lacey is actually more petite and so she’s not as curvy right, but she actually is as curvy at least almost I mean I suspect that you gave me curvier possibly but I don’t know but it’s just I mean I’m not a top short person and I thought we made sense together. She really is petite to some degree. I don’t think Marilyn was quite a small as people think she was but I don’t think she was our generation, so she seems smaller Which brings me to the next topic or is it the same topic evolution? Why do you guys insist that generations don’t evolve anymore because I’ve heard that I have I for people say oh we used to think people were shorter in the past, and now we know that’s not true. It is true people were smaller, that was a no in fact like 30 years ago and I was said you guys are like oh that’s not a no in fact anymore and then all the stuff about genetics oh race doesn’t matter. People are all like six cousins and everyone’s the same race no, they’re fucking not, no they’re fucking not the same race no, everyone’s not the same race and families do matter you know what else matters culture cultures within different races, countries, matter, families, matter, countries, matter, and I have a very strong suspicion that there’s a generational evolution that every single generation evolves, which is why again people are freaked out isn’t it because what I’m pointing to is impossibility for communism to work and I’m also pointing to what a whole hell of a lot of lies, that you morons insist or not lies.

I don’t and I know if some of them are OK I lived in DC for yours, and I really am very well educated and intelligent and she could easily be channeling me my dead grandfather once carried me out of my crib and I am pretty sure my parents got it on record or at the very least I was talking about it and I told them that a man picked me up and carried me and my mother had just lost her father and they knew it was him because I mean there wasn’t just someone walking around in our house there really wasn’t I was literally picked up and carried by a ghost as a baby.

Speaking of that, then how do I end up with Lacey? It’s not weird I was physically capable of being carried by a ghost and then somehow I ended up being in a relationship for a while with Lacey. Clearly there’s something about me that can interact with people who are dead in that way, and that’s probably not everyone’s experience. She is my age so don’t make her out to be a weirdo OK for finding people our age and her age attractive on a rare occasions I would be on that point if I could be carried by a ghost, why could she be sleeping with lab, I get the sense that, so what are you guys write is nonsense and so if it’s real, but I have a very strong sense that she’s literally having a sexual adults probably almost entirely monogamous if not monogamous on Lacey‘s part I love is part of it it’s entirely monogamous relationship with Lem’s And I have a very strong sense that it’s been happening for yours now OK and I am Catholic I have a feeling she’s pretty much Catholic if not Episcopalian to, and I don’t know if that’s some thing God allows us to experience because we’re Catholic and he has empathy for different people different situation’s or what it is I know that she doesn’t wanna get involved in witchcraft and I probably don’t either, but I was a baby who is carried by a dead man and she is in a terrible situation and she’s in love possibly with mom which brings me to my next topic, why are you running Bobby, what’s up with that I am libertarian. I’m Catholic why Bobby I’m shorts. I’m named Chris Dodds. Why are you running Bobby? He’s not as intelligent as me. I could be president. I’m a genius but I’m not interested. Sorry I’m not bad at politics either in someways, but I’m not Bobby, I mean what is he gonna do the entire time he’s in president is going to channel me is that your idea you realize I have a life I need to work you can’t have me as president and I have a very strong suspicion that if you try to do something like that, he’s going to end up debt because I I’m almost positive that my grandfather broke me up because Lacey if she’s written on this blog, it might my grandfather appeared to her I was like threatening and I have a feeling he was trying to warn her that it wasn’t going to work out at Anne and he knew later that she understand that Innoway he was actually being protective of her him but that’s how active he is OK he’s very active and he’s Sicilian and her father is Thomas Banks. Why the hell are you running Bobby, what the fuck are you people think you know you pushed her boobs off so that they look weird and then Marilyn’s running around I mean I guess I’m answering my own question you’re not thinking you’re idiots.” says Chris Dodds.

Are we enemies or are we friends?

“ I don’t know you what’s up to you?” says Chris Dodds.

we’re a little bit of like we really are. I don’t think we’re enemies but I think I think we both think for an early when we’re talking to a shot there and I think for us we both want to fight in and not at the same time, which is just the damnedest thing, because then how does this country work, if you and I can have a conversation that’s so much for saying and you’re Italian and I am Italian to some degree why did America make sense to people taking all these different cultures and then trying to put them all together in the same country, thinking it would just magically make sense I am of the opinion at this point that we didn’t know enough about genetics and that it’s becoming an issue and it’s like there’s a lot of other things going on but it’s also some sort of in Normas genetic crisis

“ I know you’re a loser and you can’t convince me otherwise, that being said you’re right I have no idea what to say to that