Lacey walks downstairs and sits in her living-room, waiting for her kids to be ready for school. Lem tries to manifest to say good-morning. Just “Good-morning” but Bobby can’t stand it. So…he makes a point of conjuring demons to psychically harass her, and make the room so dense with the demonic that she can’t see or hear him.
Bobby: Well…Arnold says that it’s just an optical illusion. So…this is all there is. And if he can’t manifest now I’m incredibly powerful and in control. And…he wants me. And always did.
He died…because I refused to go to Haiti with him. He died…because I was too sexy for him to live.
He worshipped my butthole.
The CIA: He never had sex with you Bobby.
Bobby: No. But…I’m sure he starred at my anus constantly.
NO! Really, guys. He did…
Peter Thiel: I believe you, Bobby.
*He touches his fist to his heart, and forms three fingers in and three out and bent.*
BRO CODE!!! *He shouts*
Eric: Peter is trying to form a “gay gang” within the Illuminati. He’s been successful…and not.
A psychic: WAIT!
So…Arnold Schwarzenegger…has told you…that all supernatural beings are an optical illusion!?!
Bobby: Yes!
And we imagine that they’re talking to us.
A psychic: So your wife…do you imagine her?
Bobby: No.
Hey! You can’t trick me.
A psychic: I’m not trying to trick you. Think about what I’m saying? Okay?
Bobby: I’m fine.
Look, I’m a backslider. I’m actually Catholic. Okay?
All this stupid shit in the Illuminati? I don’t believe any of it.
It’s just nonsense.
A psychic: That’s not how I feel about it…
Bobby: Who cares? You’re a heathen slut bitch.
Arnold: YOU TELL THE HOE!
She gotta go.
Bobby: GO BITCH!! *He yells*
A psychic: That’s silly. You know better…
Bobby: GO BITCH!! *He yells*
*He holds a metal cross to “deflect” her*
A psychic: You know better, dude! *She gets nervous*
Bobby: I AIN’T LISTENING TO SLUT BITCHES NO MORE!! FOR SURE!!
Satan: *Cracks-up laughing, happy*
A psychic: I thought you guys were cool.
I thought you cared…
*She looks confused*
Bobby: I do.
But you’re not allowed to be a slut bitch. Anymore.
*He holds up a metal cross again*
Peter Thiel: *Claps his hands and laughs and bounces around in his seat, like he’s having a spasmodic attack of happiness*
Listen to “This Must Be The Place” by The Talking Heads.
Lacey: Lem! *She spots him, as “the dudes” are distracted by a common witch, who apparently is Liberal and has more than one sex partner.*
Lem: *Kisses Lacey*
Bobby: *Gets distracted*
HOLD ON.
Peter: What!?
Bobby: I think he’s moving…
SHHH-
Arnold: *Tired*
It’s just an optical illusion! CALM DOWN! *he yells*
Peter: *Looks intent and suddenly very serious*
Bobby: I wonder…-
Lem: *Hugs Lacey, and holds her as the kids leave with Mark for school.*
Bobby: Wait! That’s not Lem!
Peter: Okay.
Where is he!?
Bobby: I think he’s there. But that that’s either a demon…or her imagination…-
Joe: Why couldn’t you just let her be with me!?! A DECADE AGO!!!
*He yells*
Bobby: Because! That’s a delusion on her part.
We’re an incredibly important family. And she’s an UGLY LOSER!!!
Joe Junior: So you and Joe and Caroline and Maria were all too jealous to let her be with me?
Bobby: *Looks caught*
Joe Junior: YOU DID THIS.
You MADE A MESS!!!
I can’t fix this!
*He stares at Bobby*
Peter: *Tries to dance, and keep the energy upbeat. But is freaking-out, slightly.*
Bobby: I did no such thing…
Joe Junior: No.
It was all-
IT WAS FINE!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID LITTLE BRATS!???
Bobby: That’s not Joe. We’re fine!!
A psychic: Honestly?! I’m SURE that’s your dead Uncle Joe.
Bobby: You’re a witch. How would you know? Only Christians like Lacey are allowed to see the dead.
A psychic: Bobby. Sweetie…no. You’re confused.
Bobby: *gets slightly nervous*
Joe Junior: YOU! ARE IN BIG TROUBLE. When you die…I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR SAD ASS!!!!
Listen to “Dear Prudence” as performed by Siouxsie and the Banshees.
*Later*
A psychic: So he believes he can actually control dead people?
Peter: A lot of us guys do.
*He shrugs*
We don’t fall for the hype.
A psychic: Wait! Hold on. HOLD ON.
You see ghosts?
Peter: *Shrugs and nods*
A psychic: *Laughs and covers her mouth*
Full-body apparitions?
Peter: Yes.
A psychic: And you use…dead people in Ukraine? To do this?
Peter: No.
Putin does that.
We can’t.
Those are sacrifices just for him and Russia.
China: And us!
Peter: Lacey says it doesn’t work. But we try ti harness the energy of molested children.
A psychic: So you’re molesting kids…to gain access to the dead?
The UK: We don’t.
Helena is naturally psychic. So is Lacey!
So is Laura.
We use…naturally gifted people. And then we…well- We admit, we have occasionally indulged in terrible things. But…we mostly sacrifice…well…animals. *She winces*
A psychic: Goats?
The UK: Yes.
Aging cats. Elton John had a friend with an aging cat. And when they put Miss Whiskers to sleep…we used her death as a moment to conjure Queen Elizabeth II.
Sounds like a comedy? But it’s not.
There’s a reason why we are so incredibly secretive. Sometimes it’s evil…and sometimes it’s too personal.
A psychic: So Lacey…is a part of your crowd?
The UK: We decided she’s one of us.
There are too many Rosicrucianists in the Illuminati to count. And they believe she’s one of us.
A psychic: What am I…as American as I am…partaking in?
The UK: …Well, they got impatient, years ago with our processes. So…to speed things up they started using sexual assault. Of all things and people.
The thing is…they may not- Lacey wonders if you’re all still just siphoning off of old Native American portals and such. You know?
Using pure evil to contact the dead and conjure “results” isn’t effective. But…they’re convinced it is.
Peter: We don’t need the Native Americans!
Arnold: Lazy.
Peter: We don’t need them.
A psychic: So do you…get “better service” in….areas where Native American people have done work?
Peter: Stanley Kubrick certainly thought so.
He also believed the Jews from Eastern Europe were…helping us. That’s why he chose Shostakovich.
Listen to “Jazz Suite No. 2” by Shostakovich.
A psychic: Does Lacey have a choice?
The UK: No!
No she does not. Her only option, for the safety of her children, is to let us help her. And…let us…work with her…
And it’s all quite jolly really.
*She smiles*
A psychic: But she’s not choosing this-
The UK: No.
And yet…she’s been…fortunate. Apparently we love her. Unconditionally.
*she tears-up and has to leave*
Listen to “Jazz Suite No. 1” by Shostakovich.
The UK: They keep trying to tell her that there’s no hope.
But I know…death is real.
And…I’m convinced there’s…a rich and happy life. After death.
I look forward to it too!
*She smiles*
I do believe in…Heaven.
Why not? It’s practically patriotic.
*She smiles*
No. She’s so much better off with us…poor thing.
It wasn’t us who attacked her. Let’s be clear about that…
A psychic: So…you’re using residual energy from Native Americans…to conjure the dead?
The American Illuminati: Yes.
That’s why Putin had to meet with Lacey in Red Wing, Minnesota.
The song ends.
Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.
A psychic: So…what if…harming children and adults…with sexual assault…actually is making it harder to hear dead people?
The American Illuminati: Well…I mean…that’s a consideration.
That’s certainly a consideration.
A psychic: Yeah.
Cause I think…you are-I think you are getting results from the Native stuff…-
*She shrugs*
The American Illuminati: *Thinks*
The song ends.
Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas.
Jim: The interesting this is…I think you’re offended, as former Christians, by that. You think it’s wrong?
The American Illuminati: Well-
We don’t want to upset God.
Jim: That’s insane.
You can’t be pure evil and expect to not offend God…
The American Illuminati: We were trying not to make God jealous. Make sense?
He describes himself as a jealous God. So we…thought we could do better…being…Christian and evil…
Jim: *Shakes his head no*
No.
The American Illuminati: Why?
Jim: Because…you can’t expect God to favor that. That’s not His plan.
Peter: *Laughs*
Bobby: *Thinks*
Jim: Do you understand God’s favor?
Bobby: YES!
America has had God’s favor for a very long time.
Jim: True.
*He smiles*
But we can’t keep asking him to bless us when our hearts are cold to him. When we…worship evil…
Do you really think you can fool God!?
I’m amazed. You’re all so stupid!
Bobby: *Almost cries*
Jim: *Stares at him and blinks*
Bobby: I thought…”Gay…would lead the way…”.
But you’re heartless.
Listen to “Stargazing” by Gabrielle Aapri.
Jim: Oh. Okay.
Listen…did you understand what I was saying?
Bobby: *Thinks*
Kinda.
You’re smart.
Jim: *Laughs*
You haven’t really talked with many homosexual men. Have you?
Bobby: *Looks sad*
I don’t think I can talk about that right now.
Jim: Even as friends?
Bobby: Not much.
Jim: Yeah.
Well…think about what I’m saying!!!
Bobby: I wanted an older husband. Who would help me…-
*He cries, finally*
Jim: Yeah!
Bobby: *Weeps*
Jim: Well! God can sort that all out for you.
Okay?
Bobby: You…are what I wanted. Some…male version of my wife.
Jim: Or someone like…my mom…but a man?
Bobby: Yes.
You had a gorgeous mom.
Jim: Yeah.
You just never found that?
Bobby: Nope!
Wasn’t allowed.
Jim: Okay.
Well.
*exhales sharply*
Not all men who are like me…are gay. Do you understand that?
Bobby: Like Lem?
Jim: And other men too?
Bobby: *Looks awkward*
Yeah. I’ve had…people try to…arrange for buddies who looked like Lem to be my friend. Men my age. And some of them…aren’t attracted to men at all.
Jim: Huh.
So they just find these men in your schools? And workplaces?
Bobby: Yeah.
Jim: Do you realize how weird that is?
Bobby: I just-
It’s just my life.
*He shrugs*
Jim: *Looks disturbed*
Bobby: *Laughs*
Jim: *Laughs*
Joe: *Laughs*
Listen to “REMINISCE” by Tony Ann.
Bobby: Okay.
*He laughs*
Joe: So!
Jim…what else can you tell him? That’s helpful?
Jim: You…can’t expect God to honor…an evil heart.
Bobby: *Thinks*
The song ends.
Listen to “Unfailing love” by LudmilaZ.
Bobby: I don’t think…you…-
The song plays.
Bobby: I-
The song plays.
Jim: Yeah. It’s all very confusing…
The song ends.
Bobby: *Looks awkward.*
