Summer By A Lake

I love summer next to water. If I had my druthers I’d spend most summers next to a lake. Perhaps someday I will…

One of my father’s uncles owned a lakeside resort. I visited the spot once although it had since been closed. It was in existence back in the 1940’s or 50’s through the 1980’s or so. They had horses, chickens and other animals and my father recalls setting off fireworks when his family visited. His uncle had married a very bubbly, free-spirited woman with a fantastic sense of humor. She surely made the resort infinitely more fun with her presence. I was fortunate enough to get to know her too and she was a delightful lady.

Oh to relive some of those moments… Meeting certain people or having this conversation or that. Some hours are truly invaluable. Some seconds are. Actually, I get so utterly irritated when people say, “nothing matters” or the like because that sort of dirty nihilism always feels so tragically tone death when it comes to those times in life we wish dearly we could return to. How can nothing matter in light of considering those memories? It’s absurd. It’s denial. At best… At worst that sort of thinking clouds your perception and you miss extraordinarily important pieces of existence.

In college I did that thing where you try to write an entire novel in the month of November. And anyway, I accidentally wrote a historical novel about real people. I mean, I even used one of the names of the people. …But I didn’t realize that until I reread it this year. I’ve since read biographies about these people and it’s eerie how accurate some of my details are. It begs the question of what or who inspired that story I wrote years ago… It could be coincidence but my story is so spot on and weirdly accurate it’s hard to accept it all as meaningless. What the meaning is though still at least vaguely eludes me. I’m a Christian but outside of Purgatory it’s hard to make heads or tails of it…

The thing is, if I was the “nothing matters” sort of person would something that odd have happened to me? Maybe. Hopefully… But it’s oddities like that that explain or point at the meaning of the best and worst of all of it. While I love rational, clear-headed, objective thought I worry it can get too rooted in the “already knowns” instead of the “what ifs” of life.

I love summer next to a lake. Hopefully I can try rewriting that novel from college next to one someday.

Jealousy

I’m not sure if anyone has ever been jealous in a relationship with me for romantic reasons. I suppose it’s possible… But it’s not something I’ve almost ever had to deal with in a way I’ve been aware of.

In high school there were two guys who had a crush on me and they fought over me for months. But…I never dated either one of them. Never even one date. I’m still friends with one of them but he’s since told me things that suggest he thinks of me as a sister.

Their jealous bickering back then was not something I would have even know about at all if not for my platonic friendship in high school with the other guy. Apparently he thought I should finally be clued in. Ha! How two guys can fight over someone neither of them has ever openly or really even vaguely expressed feelings for confuses me slightly but perhaps it confused them as well. I was told that one of them even shared “his side of things” with a flight attendant once to ask for her objective opinion. Ha!

Other than on that occasion…maybe one other guy was also jealous while I was first dating Mark. Mark encouraged me to date other guys at first due to his rather unique sense of romantic ethics at that time. Anyway, the young man I dated was a jerk about it and ghosted me whether he was jealous or not, but I’ve often suspected he was. Either way, I never had a genuine chance to say or do anything to defend myself… I hope I didn’t mean that much to him and I probably didn’t.

But truly, other than those dysfunctional instances albeit at least somewhat innocent and endearing in the first case, I’ve never had anyone act jealous (romantically) in a way I could honestly read as jealousy. But I’m not sure if I’ve ever made anyone jealous much so maybe any vague jealousy men have had has been easier to conceal if it ever did exist.

I’ve had plenty of the other forms of envy and jealousy thrown at me, but not much jealousy in the form I would ever be able to enjoy. Would I enjoy it though? Maybe not. I’ve certainly felt it myself in romantic relationships. I don’t get jealous otherwise really ever but I have felt jealousy romantically. In every romantic relationship actually… I’ve tried to be good about it though…

Mark just has never been jealous for me though. He never has yet anyway. We’re separated of course, but he would much rather never hear about anyone I even find attractive. So if he ever does hear anything it’s to ask for advice and his advice is always friendly. And no, I’m not lying. He cares about me but it has always felt like…close friendship more than anything else unfortunately or not. Love yes perhaps but… *shrug* not in a way that some people experience.

Maybe someday when I’m dead 50 years from now and I date some dead fascinating man I’ll experience his jealousy. Ha. *smile* Or not. Heaven is not supposed to be like that I suppose and I’d imagine the folks in Purgatory if it exists are trying for perfect Godly love of all sorts… Perfect love casts out fear and that sort of thing…

But I truly don’t want to make anyone jealous for any reason really anyway. I mean…it’d be nice to not feel totally taken for granted in romantic relationships as can sometimes happen when you’re not a cheater, a natural flirt or an intentional-jealousy-provoker but… *shrug*

But… I have no idea when I’ll be dating again anyway. When you make a top priority of your young family, your own (real) self-respect and your sanity over idiotic nights out with some man who’s more likely to only make you want to cry (eventually at least) than anything else it might take a while. And I refuse to do Tinder or whatever it is people do now. Whatever. …And no if anyone reading this must know it’s not that I have a hatred for sex or lack of sexual health… *rolling eyes* although unlike some people I don’t like bad sex over no sex. Bad sex is so much more boring and depressing than people will often ever admit to. And no that doesn’t mean I use prostitutes. I don’t participate at all in that realm (although I’d be careful about judging people who do). I add that because I can just about imagine some jerk reading this thinking they’re clever and making that joke in their head… But really, bad sex is similar to bad chocolate… Totally overrated. Fake and unsatisfying but still just as guilt inducing if had wrongly. And again, no, I’m not a prude. I just have good taste if I listen to myself. (*rolling eyes yet again* No, I’m too tired of being bullied by fools over the years to pretend I don’t at least know I have good taste. And no…I’m sorry. They’re fools.)

….

My next post will be about skin care or perfume or something most people at least secretly mostly think is harmless and shallow. *smile*