Bel Respiro (Repost: “Mr. Blue” circa 2017)

(Chanel)

Nose: Jacques Polge

Notes: grass, flowers, leather, and green notes.

 

Well, to be honest…   Today has been kind of, less than pleasant.

I think The Handsome Gentleman must have read my blog or?   If he did, maybe he was overwhelmed by something I said, or maybe he’s not really available in any real way and doesn’t want to string me along?   Or maybe he…  ?.   *sigh*   But, at any rate, he seemed disinterested in flirting at all today and he’s been flirting at least a little every day (or so it seems).  So, considering what I wrote I can’t help but think there might be some connection?   Maybe?   And I found it depressing, especially after yesterday seemed to be so lovely between him and I.

Honestly, I feel so stupid for being so depressed though.  I’m supposed to just not care aren’t I?  Right?  I’m supposed to be cold and dull.  And just not care.

Right?

Well, I can guarantee one thing.  I am never doing this again.  And what I mean by that is this: I will never try so hard again to figure things out.  Ever.  If someone wants me they’ll have to be truly clear and have damn good intentions.  And, that’s not an insult to The Handsome Gentleman or anyone else I’ve ever been interested in.  I’m really not making assumptions, I’m just trying to watch my back for once.  I’m just tired of feeling like the reject and/or the dope.  I guess…

Haha… Oh my gosh that sounds so terrible.  🙂  It’s not meant to sound that bad.  I’m just being brutally honest.

See, I don’t think men I’ve had feelings for are trying to make me feel this way.  But…  generally I am the one who tries the hardest (excluding the guy I lost my virginity to).  Or at least, that’s the way it looks to me.  So, if that’s not the case, and you’re a guy who I’ve at least liked in my life I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood you and you tried more than I know.

But never again.  Ever.  Period.

I’m not asking anyone out, or telling them how I feel first, or anything like that, ever again.  I’m not going to try so hard to give men the benefit of the doubt in situations either.   I’m not going to try at all to discern their intentions.  If they want me they’ll have to find me and figure me out.  And frankly, it totally pisses me off and crushes me to even entertain thoughts of being like that because I don’t know how I’ll ever fall in love being that way.  It’s not who I really am.  I like being open and free, and…  just…   trusting.    But it never seems to work very well…  Ever.  And at 32 years old, with a son and a lot of things to worry about in life I’m done.

I don’t think men are bad.  I love men…  as people.  I just have really shitty luck I think…

Still, if I’m not interested in a guy then I’ll likely not show any interest.  I’m not one to play hard to get.  I don’t see the point.  Also, if I don’t have any interest at first I never will.  So at least that part of me can still be real…

But…  I’m not trying anymore.  I’m just…  I don’t know what.

And maybe this is all too dramatic or something?  But…  what else am I supposed to think right now?  Seriously.

You know, if he does read this blog here’s what I would like to say to him:  you’re a very valuable person, just as we all are.  I hope you fully understand what that means…  Not just in some intellectual, theoretical, pie in the sky way.  In a real way.

When I was sitting on the bus once on my way to see Mark I got into a conversation with an older man who just randomly told me I was very beautiful.  He told me I could be a movie star.   I said that I had absolutely no desire to be famous for my beauty.  I said that I had thought about going into politics though.   He then became very serous and told me to never go into politics.  He said it would completely destroy me.  He told me that he too used to believe in the power of goodness, beauty and truth but that he had since learned that sophistication was the most important thing.  “You have to be sophisticated,”  he said.  He said the best thing for someone as tender and sensitive as me to do was to find a good man, get married and have children.

And then there was a woman who I met who was a Foreign Policy Advisor to a US Senator on the Foreign Relations Committee.  I was supposed to be speaking with her about an internship.  Instead, we sat in a dark room, and she told me how miserable her life was.  She was quite lonely because nobody could seemingly be really trusted.  She was incredibly sophisticated and very beautiful.   And she broke down in tears.

“All the men here just want to find the next big adventure.   You never can trust that you’ll be enough.  It’s always: what’s next?  They have to have something to conquer.”

…Right now, I feel like saying “fuck you” to the man on the bus.  Get married to a good man and have babies…  Right.  Because that’s so much less painful and confusing and complicated than anything else?  Good God.

And that woman.  She’s my hero.  Whether she’s still there in D.C. or not…  She was a truly beautiful soul.  Those tears were her strength.  I’ll pray for her…  daily.