Lacey tries to discuss the issue of the detention camps at the border. With Eric.
Eric: You have a life. I’m sorry you have to do this.
Okay. Just summarize your thoughts in two sentences.
Lacey: I don’t think it’s right, unless it’s right. How would it be right? If they genuinely deserve it, or if it’s in the absolute best interest of the country.
How would they deserve it? Huh.
Is it in the best interest of the country? …How could it be?
“Huh?” Well…are they so criminal and evil that they brought it on themselves? Are they so stupid and awful? …Are they? Let’s have an honest conversation.
“How could it be?” If they’re absolute worthless shit. …And we’re better off without them.
Eric tries to explain why he thinks Lacey and Lem would be happily married, if she’d been born at the beginning of the 20th century.
Lacey in high school Lacey three summers agoLacey two summers agoLacey at age 6 Lacey in 2018Lacey in her late 20’s Lem
Eric: Lacey photographs very badly. Lem photographed well.
He’s far more average looking than her.
Lacey never went clubbing, for real. The one time she was almost picked-up at a bar in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania the dude accidentally thought she was already in a committed relationship with another guy. She tried to explain that she didn’t want to do dirty dancing with him or make-out and he automatically assumed it was to stay faithful to another young man.
Lem, is…not…boring. At least, to her.
Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.
She’s not able to twerk. Neither is Lem. But they’re sexy on the dance floor, together.
He’s tall. She’s actually quite voluptuous, but she’s petite.
Imagine Craig Kilborn dancing with a more petite and “skinny” Christina Hendricks. That’s them. Are Christina and Lacey ever really skinny? Mmm…? Maybe.
It’s attractive. They’re attractive together.
Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas.
He towers over her some. Holds her close. And she lets him, fully embrace her.
Jackie stood at a distance. So did Ethel. Lacey is…his.
But she just wasn’t there.
She finds him…unbelievably attractive. Irreplaceable. I think. And, that’s as it should be. The man captures the woman.
Listen to “Between the Bars” by Elliott Smith.
The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: Does he shock her, with sex?
Eric: So you’ve assumed she’s frigid?
The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: *Nods, smiling*
Eric: Hell no.
You’re sick.
I’m sorry.
Catholics in Minnesota: Don’t explain!
Don’t get sexual.
If you get sexual on this blog-
I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!
The energy of the Saint Paul Police: *Laughing*
Umm…-
Do you consider it…illegal? Or just morally bankrupt?
Catholics in Minnesota: BOTH!!!
The energy of the Saint Paul Police: Okay!?
*The scoff*
What’s going to happen? She’s going to-
Catholics in Minnesota: I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS!!!
Is that too much to ask!?
The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I’m tired.
Do you have any idea how many hours I work!?
You seriously think…-
*They roll their eyes and walk-off*
The energy of Craig Kilborn: Let me help.
You guys had sex!
*His audience in the past, cracks-up laughing.*
The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I used to like that show. And then I realized he was just a jerk.
Now…I wonder…
The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Nods, sadly*
Just pretend you’re on my show.
Lem: *Laughs*
She’s my wife.
The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Glares at Lem*
Lem: *Looks serious*
*crickets chirp*
The energy of Craig Kilborn: So you’re straight?
Lem: *Nods*
The energy of Craig Kilborn: Where’d you two meet?
For real.
Lem: God!
*Covers his mouth*
*Starts laughing*
*Leans back in his chair*
*Crosses his arms*
You know where!
Craig Kilborn: *Laughs*
No. We don’t.
Lem: Fine.
*He whispers a swear word to God.*
Well, let’s just put it this way: It was arranged in Heaven.
Craig Kilborn: Ahh!
Yes.
Marriage.
*He cracks up laughing.*
Lacey: *Nods emphatically*
Lem: She was my wife, in Heaven.
The energy of Craig Kilborn: Man!
That must have been Hell, being gay all those years.
Lem: *Nods and laughs*
The energy of Craig Kilborn: She seems like a sophisticated lady. What happened?
Lem: She wanted to be born in the early 20th century, but she wasn’t able to be. Ask God! *He says, with some anger at God.*
The energy of Craig Kilborn: Dude.
Okay!
You gotta be real with me. We both know you’re not gay. Ain’t no way.
What the hell was that like?
Lem: *Thinks for a moment*
I used to think of her. Often.
Craig Kilborn: *Blinks*
*Covers his mouth, slowly*
…
Catholics in Minnesota, interrupting: THIS IS THE PURE PRURIENT EVIL WE SPARRED YOU FROM FOR MONTHS!!
…
Lem: *Laughs with Lacey at Catholics in Minnesota.*
Craig Kilborn: So you two have the Catholic Church on your asses?
Lem: *Nods*
I made a horrific mistake.
Craig: Huh.
…
Catholics in Minnesota: YOU SURE DID! YOU SURE DID, LEM!
Lacey: *Cracks-up, lovingly laughing at them*
Catholics in Minnesota: Why are you laughing? *They say to Lacey.*
Lacey: You remind me of me. Or something. It cracks me up!!
Catholics in Minnesota: *Try to cast demon out of her for saying that.*
YOU ARE THEOLOGICALLY OFF-BASE!!
Lacey: AHHH!! HERE COMES THE SWORD OF CHRIST!!!!
*She says, mocking them.*
*She laughs*
HAVE YOU A CHARIOT!? AND A FLAMING BIBLE!!?
Catholic Christians in Minnesota to “Catholics in Minnesota”: Please stop!!
…
Craig Kilborn: Do you two have sex?
…
Lacey: Are you going to go after him too? With a flaming Bible?
Minnesota Catholics: He’s not violation of anything.
Lacey: HOW!?
Minnesota Catholics: *Panic*
You’re a DEMON WORSHIPPER!!!
Lacey: You’re really that dumb?
Minnesota Catholics: *Think*
You’re right. I’m the one who’s being evil.
Lacey: What’s WRONG WITH YOU!?
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL!? *She shrieks*
Minnesota Catholics: I’m not going to Hell.
Lacey: Says who!? YOU!? Oh THAT’S RICH!!! WHO ARE YOU!?
Minnesota Catholics: I’m a demon.
Lacey: NO!
I’ve seen you be this way! IN PERSON.
Minnesota Catholics: You’re A BITCH!!
Lacey: Ha! No. I just don’t want you going to HELL.
Minnesota Catholics: I’m not going to Hell.
Lacey: BASED ON WHAT!?
YOUR ASS!?
Minnesota Catholics: *Think*
I take the HOLY Communion.
Lacey: HA!
With a clean conscience!?
Minnesota Catholics: *Think*
Why are you so Irish?
Lacey: I’m not.
If I’m Celtic at all, it Scottish.
Minnesota Catholics: You scare me. I’m worried we can reincarnate.
And if we can…DAMN! You’re all hell and brimstone.
Lacey: HA!
So you don’t give a shit!?
Minnesota Catholics: No. I do.
Lacey: Huh.
Only to be an asshole. Huh? Not when it comes to being accountable to God, yourselves?
Minnesota Catholics: You’re too pretty.
Lacey: For what?
Minnesota Catholics: For the priesthood. Chill out.
Lacey: Oh!
So you’re a misogynistic idiot. And a coward too. And an anti-intellectual fool.
Minnesota Catholics: We kicked you out of our schools. Was that a felony?
Lacey: Yes.
Did you research me on Instagram?
Minnesota Catholics: Yes.
Lacey: *Nods*
And then you found reason to believe you should attack me?
Catholics in Minnesota: Yes.
Lacey: Huh.
Yeah…someone committed an actual felony. Because you were very cruel to me. You bullied my whole family.
Catholics in Minnesota: You’re Jews!
Lacey: No. We’re not.
You can’t put that on me.
Catholics in Minnesota: *Looks upset*
Lacey: I’m not anti-Semitic. But I’m not a Jew.
Catholics in Minnesota: *Look disturbed*
Lacey: So you think it’s fine to bully Jews?
Catholics in Minnesota: *Begin to cry*
Lacey: How much have you done to protect the Hispanics? In Minnesota?
Catholics in Minnesota: FUCK YOU!
Lacey: Well…how much?
Catholics in Minnesota: Not enough.
Lacey: *Looks guilty*
I’d feel guilty too, except I can’t do much. It’s not safe.
Catholics in Minnesota: You’ve done enough!
Lacey: Are you implying I’m responsible!?
*She laughs.*
Catholics in Minnesota: Yes?
Are you?
Lacey: WOW!
Are you illiterate? *She asks with some concern*
Catholics in Minnesota: Maybe?
Lacey:Shouldn’t it be obvious I’m not!?
Catholics in Minnesota: We snubbed you. And your daughter.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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