In case it isn’t obvious by now, I’m a bit of a romantic. So, my view of all matters related to Mr. Blue were originally very much tinted by rose colored glasses.
I had an inkling about Mr. Blue that he was one particular sort of person and in that framework I had parts of his life arranged in a certain way in my mind. I didn’t presume to be correct necessarily, but I am fairly intuitive so I didn’t throw out my impression either. Then when he seemingly started interacting with me, given the context of it and what seemed to be being said it appeared that my view of things might not be too far off. Enough of what followed fit into my understanding of him, likely because I was correct about some things, so it continued to appear possible that everything I had presumed to be the case might be right because it all worked together.
I hope this makes sense. I’m not as clear as I would like to be because I really do want to protect people’s privacy.
And, I thought he was so handsome… Most importantly, it felt like we had a connection. I don’t know how to stress that enough.
It seemed possible that it could all be an illusion too, but I felt I had to investigate it regardless. I knew he might not be as “innocent” in his heart, shall I say, or more accurately as “decent” as I had gathered he could be, but I didn’t think he could be too far off from that… I still don’t have a lot of clarity, of course, but to be honest I’m not sure it matters anymore. He seems to be different enough from who I thought he was as an overall person for it to be almost pointless, I suppose. Although, again, I really don’t know…
No, despite how untoward things might appear to more than a few people reading this, I had at least somewhat fairly wholesome intentions. I am open about my sexuality and feelings (I’m definitely not much of prude), at least in part because I don’t believe in being quietly ashamed of such things, but what I actually had in mind was not all that salacious necessarily. I had had a relationship a year ago with a very clever and rather worldly man that while perhaps ill-advised (or wrong) was quite sweet in many ways and I think that altered my perception of how things can be. However ungentlemanly it might seem to be at all interested in a married woman to start with, he was a gentleman about almost everything else.
There was this idea I had about Mr. Blue and it’s hard to completely describe (constraints of privacy), but again, within that theory there were explanations that allowed him to be quite honorable in his own way… I thought he was maybe somewhat broken but not… simply a man in search of something disposable or at least not worth genuine and significant respect. I had no desire to be some sort of play thing or pet.
As a side note, when Mark was an alcoholic and had a rather shallow understanding of how he was affecting women he was sleeping with, he had many women he toyed with (as I’ve discussed). In fact, he had one woman who was a doctor who wanted marry him and she often joked that he wouldn’t have to work if he married her. Behind her back he used to tell his friends that if he didn’t work he would have to have many women on the side because he couldn’t imagine being that alone with her. And I consider Mark a good man, so again, I’m not judging people who aren’t looking for the same thing as I am. We all make our own decisions and live in different ways. She loved him and he might have eventually loved her. Perhaps he wouldn’t have wanted anyone but her, but the point is, he considered it… and I don’t think he’s a mean person in any real way.
What Mark wanted ultimately though was to be very close to a woman and give her his whole self. I think that’s probably one reason why I married him. I knew that’s what he had decided he longed for… Sadly, we may not have been meant to give that to each other and I hope he finds that someday… I really, really do.
Furthermore I thought the interactions between Mr. Blue and myself were mutual on an emotional level. I didn’t think I was “going after him” really… I thought he was just as much pursuing me as I him. I had explanations for why he wasn’t calling me. The situation just allowed for lots of really good excuses. Mark thought they were too generous and they probably were. I mean, I wasn’t happy or at all encouraged by how things were going at all, but I was compassionate. Foolishly so. And I hope to never make that mistake again. In this world, sadly, it seems to rarely pay to be a woman who is compassionate to men. Rarely. Especially in regard to romance in any form.
I realize now that I was being much too hopeful. Hope might sound like the wrong word to use considering how dark even my version of reality would have been. But I thought I had found some kind of kindred soul and that felt lovely.
I resent being degraded. I only set out to potentially find love not to make an ass of myself. But, I suppose setting out to find true love means occasionally making a fool of one’s self.
I wish Mr. Blue well, but I don’t think I can try to do anything anymore. If he sees me around online so to speak I hope he knows I’m not trying to do any one thing anymore. I would offer again he could call me if he wanted to explain how I’m wrong or right about things, but… Well, no, on second thought, I think I will offer that one last time. Just for sentimental reasons… But after today I will not discuss him on this blog at all. And I have said that before, but this time I’ll be keeping that. I need to get back to writing about perfume for goodness sake. I really do…