An Idealist

In case it isn’t obvious by now, I’m a bit of a romantic.  So, my view of all matters related to Mr. Blue were originally very much tinted by rose colored glasses.

I had an inkling about Mr. Blue that he was one particular sort of person and in that framework I had parts of his life arranged in a certain way in my mind.  I didn’t presume to be correct necessarily, but I am fairly intuitive so I didn’t throw out my impression either.  Then when he seemingly started interacting with me, given the context of it and what seemed to be being said it appeared that my view of things might not be too far off.   Enough of what followed fit into my understanding of him, likely because I was correct about some things, so it continued to appear possible that everything I had presumed to be the case might be right because it all worked together.

I hope this makes sense.  I’m not as clear as I would like to be because I really do want to protect people’s privacy.

And, I thought he was so handsome…   Most importantly, it felt like we had a connection.    I don’t know how to stress that enough.

It seemed possible that it could all be an illusion too, but I felt I had to investigate it regardless.  I knew he might not be as “innocent” in his heart, shall I say, or more accurately as “decent” as I had gathered he could be, but I didn’t think he could be too far off from that…   I still don’t have a lot of clarity, of course, but to be honest I’m not sure it matters anymore.  He seems to be different enough from who I thought he was as an overall person for it to be almost pointless, I suppose.   Although, again, I really don’t know

No, despite how untoward things might appear to more than a few people reading this, I had at least somewhat fairly wholesome intentions.  I am open about my sexuality and feelings (I’m definitely not much of prude), at least in part because I don’t believe in being quietly ashamed of such things, but what I actually had in mind was not all that salacious necessarily.  I had had a relationship a year ago with a very clever and rather worldly man that while perhaps ill-advised (or wrong) was quite sweet in many ways and I think that altered my perception of how things can be. However ungentlemanly it might seem to be at all interested in a married woman to start with, he was a gentleman about almost everything else.

There was this idea I had about Mr. Blue and it’s hard to completely describe (constraints of privacy), but again, within that theory there were explanations that allowed him to be quite honorable in his own way…  I thought he was maybe somewhat broken but not…  simply a man in search of something disposable or at least not worth genuine and significant respect.   I had no desire to be some sort of play thing or pet.

As a side note, when Mark was an alcoholic and had a rather shallow understanding of how he was affecting women he was sleeping with, he had many women he toyed with (as I’ve discussed).  In fact, he had one woman who was a doctor who wanted marry him and she often joked that he wouldn’t have to work if he married her.  Behind her back he used to tell his friends that if he didn’t work he would have to have many women on the side because he couldn’t imagine being that alone with her.  And I consider Mark a good man, so again, I’m not judging people who aren’t looking for the same thing as I am.  We all make our own decisions and live in different ways.   She loved him and he might have eventually loved her.  Perhaps he wouldn’t have wanted anyone but her, but the point is, he considered it…  and I don’t think he’s a mean person in any real way.

What Mark wanted ultimately though was to be very close to a woman and give her his whole self.  I think that’s probably one reason why I married him.  I knew that’s what he had decided he longed for…   Sadly, we may not have been meant to give that to each other and I hope he finds that someday…  I really, really do.

Furthermore I thought the interactions between Mr. Blue and myself were mutual on an emotional level.  I didn’t think I was “going after him” really…   I thought he was just as much pursuing me as I him.  I had explanations for why he wasn’t calling me.  The situation just allowed for lots of really good excuses.  Mark thought they were too generous and they probably were.  I mean, I wasn’t happy or at all encouraged by how things were going at all, but I was compassionate.  Foolishly so.  And I hope to never make that mistake again.  In this world, sadly, it seems to rarely pay to be a woman who is compassionate to men.  Rarely.  Especially in regard to romance in any form.

I realize now that I was being much too hopeful.  Hope might sound like the wrong word to use considering how dark even my version of reality would have been.  But I thought I had found some kind of kindred soul and that felt lovely.

I resent being degraded.  I only set out to potentially find love not to make an ass of myself.  But, I suppose setting out to find true love means occasionally making a fool of one’s self.

I wish Mr. Blue well, but I don’t think I can try to do anything anymore.  If he sees me around online so to speak I hope he knows I’m not trying to do any one thing anymore.  I would offer again he could call me if he wanted to explain how I’m wrong or right about things, but…  Well, no, on second thought, I think I will offer that one last time.  Just for sentimental reasons…  But after today I will not discuss him on this blog at all.  And I have said that before, but this time I’ll be keeping that.   I need to get back to writing about perfume for goodness sake.  I really do…







Tonight was miserable…  yet really not at the same time.   It’s raining a lot right now in Seattle and this weekend there’s supposed to be a rather large storm.  For some reason I’m excited about it…

Tonight I went out with Mark to a coffee shop nearby and we sat and chatted for a while.  It’s always nice to be around Mark and spend time with him, but I realized just how very much we really are friends…   You know how sometimes you recognize something about a matter of importance on a certain level but then when you finally grasp it entirely it changes everything?  Tonight the full reality of our relationship hit me and it was a little brutal.  We’re friends…  Profoundly close friends.

And I’m angry at Mr. Blue.  I’ve been observing him lately just to try to figure out what the hell happened, but it’s done nothing but mostly tick me off.   He seems to take almost everything I say the wrong way at this point (and perhaps always did)…    It appears he expects me to be some sort of flawless, all-knowing being with no vulnerabilities.  I’m not supposed to have been open on this blog (my own fucking blog), and god forbid I’ve misunderstood anything ever or even looked at him and found him attractive in the first place.   I’m supposed to have just worshiped him from a distance?   I should have stood in awe to such a degree that even a vague “glance” from him would sustain me for eternity and thrill me to some unbearable degree of ecstasy?   And heaven forbid I consider myself equally valuable as a human being to him or those he deems passable.

Honestly, I question why he ever paid any attention to me in the first place.  Even as a object of scorn I seem to fail…  and not be quite “weird” enough.  And he seems more intent on making me out to be less intelligent and attractive than anyone I’ve ever met (including my own father).  I’m not even an arrogant person who “needs to be taken down a peg.”  If he reads me that way, I’d suggest it’s probably projection.

Yeah…   Dude.  If you’re Mr. Blue and you find it so fucking annoying to “deal with me” just stop paying attention to me all together.  It’s not that complicated.  And I’ll stop paying attention to you too.  OK?

No, I thought you were special Mr. Blue, as cliche as that is.  Forgive me for I have sinned?

And if it seems like I’ve gone back and forth a lot about my impressions and feelings on this blog, it’s because I have.  But given the confusing and difficult nature of the situation I think it’s incredibly unkind and stupid to judge me for being in an emotional tailspin.  I really do

I’ve given him so much room to be kind and I’ve tried to take him seriously.  If I shouldn’t have I apologize?  I’m a nice person.   I’m sorry?  And dammit, if he ever did want to have a real conversation and explain whatever I’ve misunderstood he could have called me and still could…


Yeah, no, I think he enjoys confusing me…  ?   I think I’m going to let myself have some vague hope that I can walk away with a positive understanding of this for one more day and then I truly am going to just give up trying to do anything in regard to Mr. Blue to help myself process things.  And I know I keep saying that, but after tonight things have changed.

My romantic relationship with my husband is shit.  It doesn’t exist almost at all.  We have nothing.  I really am alone.  It’s just a formality…     Right now especially I don’t need some cruel person to engage with me just to find a million ways everyday to roll their eyes, laugh and feel superior in order to deal with their own problems.  Oh, and by the way, the fact that I can keep up with you at all Mr. Blue says a hell of a lot about my intelligence.  Thanks for acknowledging that.

…I really do hope I find true love someday.  That’s been the main thing I’ve wanted in life.  Everything else seems like an inferior substitute.  I mean, I didn’t have a particularly happy childhood.  I think, if I had, finding true love would have been equally significant but it probably would have been slightly less caustic to potentially never find it?  I wonder…



True Love

I know what true love is supposed to feel like.  When you’re young it’s easiest to cherish that beautiful dream.  It feels closer, and maybe that’s because it really is.  Or perhaps not…

At any rate, lately I was hoping I had found something meaningful with Mr. Blue.  If he was making a fool of me I don’t know that I even care anymore…  I’m almost proud of it because at least I took the risk for something that is very valuable to me.

And if he wasn’t lying, well…  what happens next is really more up to him than me.  I would think he realizes that by now.    If I have to keep spelling out how to capture my heart then he’s not the right one and never was, sadly.

No, but see that’s the thing.  There’s an incredible amount of freedom that comes from experiencing pain for something you believe in (if it’s the right sort of thing).

It seems like, more than anything, shame is the most powerful force in America right now.  We shame each other left and right.   Everyone is embarrassed by something…   And we use that to control each other.   If there’s one thing that keeps us all from having an honest and productive dialogue I think that that’s it.  We’re all too embarrassed by our true selves and we’re all too scared of seeing each other’s true selves too.

I don’t think this is a post truth election.  I think we are instead on the precipice of diving into the beautiful unknown and I think we’re scared.  We’re caught between a world where pretty lies “kept things together” and one where harsh truths have to be embraced to survive.  At least, that’s my opinion…

Anyway, in an attempt to be unashamed, I will admit that on a very dark level I find the drama of the current election season very entertaining, even as I very vaguely worry that Trump could destroy the entire world if he wins.   And, it’s ironic that this is all taking place during Halloween season.  It’s perfect.  This election really is a great “haunted house.”  But, that thrill is, of course, overpowered by the sense that things really could go terribly wrong.

I just keep hoping that enough decent people with good intentions really will keep us all afloat…  No matter what.




I’ve been making edits and revisions on this blog here and there today.  I added a few lines, and edited a few words etc.   But in general, it’s been a gloomy day.

There are feelings I’ve wanted to express, but I can’t seem to find the right phrases or set of thoughts to make sense of them today and bring order.  It’s been very frustrating.

Several plans have been mulled over in my mind though and I think I have at least some vague plan for my future…  I think.  So much for finishing a degree in history.  I’ve realized art history might be a bit better.  What I really want to do is write of course…    But I know (and have always known) that that’s unlikely to make much money very easily, so I think perhaps I’ll finish my degree with a major in art history and then pursue a career involving antiques in some way…   My second place dream job would have something to do with appraising antiques, I think.  And oh, I know, this is also a rather precarious career path, but…  maybe it’s less dicey than writing?  Maybe?  Oh dear…

The thing is, I love antiques (and I need to be emotionally engaged in my work to succeed).  I have since I was very little…  I used to collect antique bone china tea cups.  I have one really lovely, hand painted tea cup from Prussia that I particularly cherish…   It has such vibrant colors but it’s also quite delicate.  I also have a very small collection of antique and vintage jewelry, and of course my perfumes…  Among other very old items.

And I love when people message me on Instagram and ask for advice about deciding on a bottle of perfume’s authenticity or about how to find the ones that are from the “best batch.”  And, that reminds me the many sins of absence and tardiness I’ve committed on Instagram lately.  Oh boy.  Sigh…

I suppose when in the process of trying to work with a potential divorce, basically totally alter my life because of it, and trying to cope with the confusion created by a rather painful and mysterious possible harassment or romance (I’m still not sure what in the world that really was but I’m attempting to just let go), I got super overwhelmed.  I am still overwhelmed.  But I’m hoping I haven’t annoyed too many people or hurt anyone.

Oh dear.

Well…  oh well.  There’s always tomorrow, I hope…

It’s Done…

So…  I’m pretty sure I’ve got at least a fair idea what Mr. Blue’s intentions were as of today and it’s now completely over.   I’m fairly certain he was just looking for a woman to make a fool of and given my sweetness, curiosity and earnestness I was as good a bet as anyone.  And I know there are many men like him…  But there are at least as many (if not more) who are sincerely not like that too.  There are women I’d never be even friends with and some I have a lot of respect for.  It’s not just a “man thing” and I think turning it into that risks giving “catty” men (like Donald Trump) more power or originality than they deserve.

That’s the one thing that has really bothered me about the gender discussion lately in America.  I mean sure, men are generally more physically powerful than women perhaps and given their privileges in society they are also in a position (in some respects) of more authority but…  I don’t believe that they are more inherently evil or awful in any way than women.  People are just people.  You know?

Furthermore, I don’t think people in power are more inherently “evil” either.  I think some might like that myth because it’s kind of glamorous or satisfying in some people’s imaginations, but I don’t know that it actually stands to real scrutiny.  I think there are people of all sorts evenly spread about…  Perhaps the one caveat to this is that when you have more resources you can indulge your every whim to a greater degree.  So, if you’re someone who likes pot you might smoke more pot, etc.  *shrugs*

But…  lets go with this “rich people are all evil” trope for a second.  I enjoy analyzing this one…

I have long been of the suspicion that people who think “rich people” are mostly sleazy, sex obsessed perverts or vicious narcissists with really pretty shoes are generally those who grew up outside of real wealth.  Sorry.  Just being honest…

But it makes sense.  The “nice people” aren’t the ones who look beneath them for someone to bother.  People who are anxious about their status (most often new money) or who simply are just mean are the ones who try the hardest to interact with those they think are below them.

I learned this when I was growing up in an affluent suburb in Minnesota.   I had quite a few teachers in high school honors, etc. classes who came from rather nice families and they were well educated, kind and generally tolerant.  They were also the best teachers.  And there were teachers (one second grade teacher in particular) who were clearly obsessed with befriending the “cool kids” and somehow breaking into the “well bred” crowd in life and they were the worst teachers and the rudest people in general.

My family is complicated socially speaking.  I refuse to divulge how much money or prestige any one person or people have (or have had) because that’s degrading and utterly ridiculous but suffice it to say that my immediate family was probably the poorest in our extended family overall.  My parents were the exception among their relatives.  Not the rule.  They could have chosen careers that “made money” but they didn’t.  They were hippies…  Remember?

Anyway, I really did have a unique view of issues of class.  In one regard, I was given some social skills that helped me fit in with “my betters” and yet what we actually had made me rather vulnerable to bullies who wanted someone to humiliate to feel better about themselves.  As I wrote, my second grade teacher was a perfect example.  She once had all the students in class talk about how much money their families had or didn’t as part of some “special in-class assignment” and she used this information to arrange us in her mind in order of importance.

No, Mr. Blue (formally Handsome) was not the person I had hoped he was.  I’m glad we never had a long in person conversation.  Best case scenario, if he was at all sincere (and he wasn’t of course) it probably would have been awkward for both us for different reasons.  I don’t think either of us really had a really good understanding of each other (another reason I refuse to ever even attempt romance over the internet again)…

I hope Mr. Blue forgets about me entirely.  I think that would be best…  Although of course I wish him well regardless of how mean and silly he has been.

How is that?  Is this blog post “bitchy” enough?  I hope?   (please note sarcasm in case it escapes you *rolling eyes*)

…Unless I’m completely wrong about him.  But in that case, I don’t think there’s any way I’ll know for certain if he doesn’t contact me.

More later.


A Saturday In October

Today was Mark’s birthday.  We celebrated it nicely, I like to think…

I haven’t wanted to do any writing or posting today and my last post was another accident (but I’ve left it up for the moment)…  I’ve been too busy reflecting and trying to help make Mark’s day pleasant for him.

I find the whole thing with Mr. Blue frustrating at this point (sorry if you’re sick of hearing about him).  I can’t tell if he’s an entitled jerk who thinks anything even possibly negative about him is some sort of profound insult that warrants a serious and cruel counter attack or what…  Maybe he’s not even angry at all.    Maybe…  ?  Maybe nothing has been really happening this whole time?  That seems unlikely, but…  I suppose it’s possible.  I don’t know.    At any rate, I haven’t meant to insult him.  I simply don’t want to be “special friends” with anyone in any way nor do I want to be the punchline of some egotistical weirdo’s joke (no matter how many people might be like him)…

I have been angry because it seems he may be intent on preemptively insulting me (hence my suspicion that he’s possibly just a jerk).   I’m not angry because he may never call me or take anything seriously.  It’s his prerogative to not be interested (or that interested).   It wouldn’t shock me.  It wouldn’t make me upset…   I don’t take romantic rejection personally.   You can’t.   People like what they like and want what they want.

You know it’s not a pleasant time to be an American woman in general though…  It’s mortifying actually.  I can’t believe we’ve even come close to electing a man like Donald Trump.  And what’s worse is that I still think he has a chance to win…   The debate tomorrow night scares me.  This election scares me.  I’m hoping that Hillary will win, or that if Trump wins he’ll just turn out to be lazy and incompetent.  But I fear much worse…  I’m beginning to understand what a precarious position America is really in right now, especially in regard to international matters.  Regardless of Hillary’s possible past missteps, I worry about what Trump would do…  I really do.

And, in light of the recent discussion in my country about abuse of women (given the Trump campaign) and what I’ve written on this blog, I’d also like to share a few more personal things.

First, I don’t hate my father.  He was an abusive man but I’ve forgiven him.  I forgave him a long time ago…

The thing is, when you have a parent with a mental illness that causes trauma, with an addiction, and/or (in my case) who is abusive, at some point (if you’re lucky, I think) you start to see them as just what they are. Nothing more and nothing less.  And that might mean not really having a real father (or a mother depending on the situation).  Or it might mean having moments of lucid parenting to garner from and then nothing else – the rest eventually becoming a bit like how one would view a person with Alzheimer’s.    You don’t hate them (at least I don’t).  They’re just gone

I mean certainly, what my father did was wrong, but I don’t “take him seriously” anymore (and haven’t for a very long time).   I can’t.  Anyone who would hurt another person to the degree that he did has gone beyond the limits of reasonable behavior in my opinion.  I take the threat of what he could do seriously, but I don’t expect him to be a real father in every sense, sadly…   I wish I could.  I try to be as kind as possible (meaning within limits)…  And I appreciate him when he’s being respectful.

Also, I had a man open the door for me today at a book store.  I’ve had men do this before, but this was very distinct.  He was going about it in a markedly intentional way.  It even made me wonder if there was some connection to what just surfaced in my country about Donald Trump.  When I said “thank you” he made a look that suggested to me that he was trying to make some point…  It was as if he had decided to be extra gentlemanly to all the women he met today.  It was very lovely.


Moving Forward…

First, I’d like to apologize.  This blog has been an absolute mess lately.  Posts keep being unintentionally published and I’m not adhering to my own schedule.  I’m sorry!  Truly…

In some respects I believe I handle emotional stress well, and in others I have always struggled.  I’m working on it.


So, just to be clear, I am done with any sort of non-platonic interaction with Mr. Blue until he contacts me and can prove that he has some honorable intentions.  I think this may have been confused at some point since the last post…  I’m not sure if he wants to be friends of any sort or not but if I am his friend I’m not looking for a “special” friendship…

Anyway…  I hope to someday find a man who is looking for me…  It seems difficult to know if there are any men who would be a good match or to potentially marry who are available and exist…  but I’m optimistic.  You have to be.  And I suppose if I leave Mark and am alone forever then that’s that.  Sigh…

More later…




It was a fairly pleasant day…  Having let go of the situation with Mr. Blue I had a lot more energy to spend.

That situation was really not working for me…  At all.  I kept thinking it could be worth it, but I’m now coming to the conclusion that my reaction to the whole situation was misaligned after a certain point.

I originally thought that what was happening was unique to us and that we had something beautiful in common because of it…   I wish I could explain more about the exact logic I had in that regard but I can’t…  It’s too private.  But, at any rate, if that had been accurate to any valuable degree then there were reactions down the road that probably should have been different.  So regardless of what his intentions were (some variety of friendship, flirtation, to humiliate me for an ego boast…  or actual romance) if his actions didn’t fit into the positive and lovely narrative I thought could be possible then I should have just walked away (what I’m doing now).  If he was interested in some genuine romance then I should have realized that he would find a way to express that…

But this concept is really difficult for me to accept (I’ve written about it before).  I am a very empathetic person.  I feel bad for people who pursue other people they like and then fail in any way…  And not out of pity, but because so much can go wrong in that process.

Yet, again, it doesn’t seem to ever work to be “helpful” because not only can you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is wrong for you, but you could also inadvertently assist someone who may have mean or totally selfish intentions…   I have to learn to treat any potential suitors like I want to treat them and not be overly careful to be kind.

So this is my lesson from Mr. Blue.  It’s not that I should be heartless of course, but I must learn to be more persistently myself.  Given I know what I want after having spent decades pondering it, I think it’s time to trust what that means.