Keen to Cross the Pond

Lacey tries to discuss the issue of the detention camps at the border. With Eric.

Eric: You have a life. I’m sorry you have to do this.

Okay. Just summarize your thoughts in two sentences.

Lacey: I don’t think it’s right, unless it’s right. How would it be right? If they genuinely deserve it, or if it’s in the absolute best interest of the country.

How would they deserve it? Huh.

Is it in the best interest of the country? …How could it be?

“Huh?” Well…are they so criminal and evil that they brought it on themselves? Are they so stupid and awful? …Are they? Let’s have an honest conversation.

“How could it be?” If they’re absolute worthless shit. …And we’re better off without them.

Eric: …They are…in a way.

I’m sorry. I’m being honest.

The numbers do add up.

But…enough?

Lacey: EXACTLY!

…EXACTLY!

You could make white people concentration camps.

Eric: You could.

Who would it be?

Lacey: Probably “the elite” us not included.

But…that’s not likely.

Eric: So…maybe they’re not bad enough?

Lacey: Yes.

Eric: Okay.

Let’s move on. Make it simple.

Is it in the best interest of the country?

Lacey: …No. Although…I get it.

Eric: So do I.

But it’s still a no.

Lacey: Yes.

So…it’s just a no, from us.

The thing is…I wish-

Why can’t we have real discussions about it?

Eric: I actually don’t know!

Because it wouldn’t make things worse.

…I worry this country is too screwed-up.

A lady at a church (?): Do we even have a country?

Eric: *Laughs*

I hope so.

Remember when it used to be a clear yes? And no, I don’t mean it’s Donald Trump’s fault. I mean something evil has happened.

We still have a country. But…it’s not what it was.

Lacey: Why…kill them? Even if it’s more efficient.

Why not just deport them?

A man who died in one of the camps: You’re right.

They should have amped up deportation DECADES AGO.

Lacey: That’s so true it makes me want to cry!!

WHAT THE HELL!?

I’ve wondered that for years. Truly.

Why do people in this country never address things before it’s too late?

A lady in a church: I actually agree.

Lacey: We could have just been…normal.

Made immigration more difficult. But not…pure evil.

Made it harder to stay here, illegally…but not resort to this.

A Republican: Kay, the Democrats wanted votes.

Lacey: SO WHAT!?

Aren’t Democrats Americans?

A lady in church: *Nods*

Lacey: I’m serious!

Aren’t Democrats supposed to be Americans!?

A Republican: Who are the Democrats?!?

Lacey: YEAH!

And I refuse to group all Democrats together into one big group. Because it’s not that simple.

So who are they?

A Republican: They’re the same people who are “the elites”.

*He nods*

The same exact people!

Lacey: And they let the bad guys in, from one specific area…of the world…mostly-

I feel like…Somalia baffles these people.

Because…-

I mean, it’s not just Hispanics.

Anyway…-

They let all these people in for cheap labor and votes.

A Democrat: I think the cheap labor was the Republican Party.

Lacey: YES!

Anyway…-

So now what?!?

A Hispanic: We should make an “elite” people concentration camp.

A lady in church: I cannot think that will work.

A Hispanic: Okay! But how do we get rid of them!?

Bobby: YOU CANNOT SHOOT LACEY AND HER FAMILY.

A Catholic: *Laughs*

Bobby: No! I’m serious.

They don’t deserve it.

None of them.

A lady in church: Do you?

Bobby: *Shrugs*

A Hispanic woman: I’m only half serious.

Lacey: Would I count?

Another woman in her class: Who does count?

A Hispanic woman: Okay, maybe it’s a bad idea.

A lady in church: Yeah.

The CEO of L’Oréal: How do we get out of this?

A Hispanic woman: *Laughs*

You almost can’t.

*She shrugs*

Lacey: I tell them stuff like this a lot.

The CEO of L’Oréal: She does.

Yeah, I hear you. I’m fucked.

A Hispanic woman: Why did you go along with it!?

The CEO of L’Oréal: I don’t have a choice.

Lacey and I are trying to work on…redirecting things.

It ain’t easy!

A Hispanic woman: How many of their are you?

The CEO of L’Oréal: About a dozen.

We’re some of the smarter people. So there’s that. But that’s also a problem…

Lacey: She’s white. The woman I talk to there. And she’s Republican, somewhat.

But…-

Another Republican: They’ve made the camps more humane. And something is better than nothing.

But, Lacey is hinting at the real problem.

Actually, she often explains all the real issues.

Eric: Some people really do think…the Hispanics are…the scum of the Earth. And they may even add the Somalians to that, as well.

We can’t do anything about that. We can’t make them feel differently. We can…try? And we do! We can…try to make incremental improvements. And we do!

But…they earnestly believe they’re in the right. They REALLY do.

…*He shrugs*

Lacey: *Nods*

Political Polarization.

And where did that start? That’s been concerning political scientists for decades.

Jim: What have you all done?

Eric: We’ve managed to convince them to…not torture people in the camps as much. At least somewhat.

Casi (?): NOT ENOUGH!

Definitely not impressed.

A lady reading this: Who is Casi?

Eric: She’s from the perfume community.

Lacey first started writing this blog, over a decade ago, to have fun. Really.

Just to analyze perfume. She made…over 400 posts? Just about perfume.

And she called it “Keen to Cross the Pond” because she was being eccentric. To make a long story short.

But by 2016 it became impossible. And so she resorted to writing about her life.

Casi is a woman in the perfume community who hates her. Really hates her. And there are more than two of them named Casi?

Lacey left the perfume community within the last year for good. She still has her collection. And she uses it. But, she’s not a part of their community anymore. It’s too….hurtful, at this point.

Casi (?): Why am I the weirdo?

How is saving…a thousand people…and making the evil just a small fraction less evil…impressive?

Catholics in Minnesota: *Snoring, fast asleep*

Eric: We haven’t been able to do more.

Casi (?): HA!

Sad.

Another one of Lacey’s haters: Umm…nobody thinks that!

Nobody is thinking what “Casi” just said!

Another Hispanic woman: Ha!

I agree with Casi!

A woman who’s related to Lacey who hates her: Yup.

She’s a victim.

*She laughs*

Such a victim. Right?

Another Hispanic woman: *Thinks*

Yet another hater: She’s so embarrassing! Right?

A random person who has been reading this: Wow!

Another Hispanic woman: She’s not a victim!

*She starts laughing*

The relative in Lacey’s family who hates her: FUCK YOU, LACEY!

Another Hispanic woman: YES! FUCK YOU, Lacey.

Wait.

What!?

You think I’m talking to her?

The relative in Lacey’s family who hates her: She’s a jerk.

She’s so out of touch.

A Hispanic woman: *Looks confused and then laughs*

You’re nuts!

*She laughs again*

I was talking TO YOU!

Lacey’s relative who hates her: You cannot be talking TO ME.

*she laughs and shakes her head no, as if she’s in shock*

The Hispanic woman: OH, BUT I AM!

Bobby: She’s white trash!

The WHOLE FAMILY IS COMPLETELY TRASH!

The Hispanic woman: *Laughs*

I doubt it.

What’s your problem?

Lacey’s relative: I’m nice.

A Hispanic woman: Have you been helping my people?

Lacey’s relative: No!

But she’s sharing this to sound…good.

*She laughs*

A Hispanic woman: Wow!

You’re an idiot.

Lacey’s relative: I’m sorry?

A Hispanic woman: That makes no sense.

Logically speaking, what you’re saying makes no sense.

Lacey’s relative: I think I’m done here.

A Hispanic woman: WHAT!?

Lacey’s relative: You can go now.

A Hispanic woman: What!?

Lacey’s relative: Are you a Hispanic?

A Hispanic: Lacey’s relative, are you a victim?

Lacey’s relative: Yes!!

Of my family.

My parents were very dogmatic people. We grew-up with money. But…they’re jerks.

A Hispanic woman: You’re jealous she slept with Vladimir Putin or you want one of her boyfriends.

Lem: *Laughs*

Lacey’s relative: No.

Lem: Lacey’s doing everything she can.

She really is!!

Some would say she’s doing too much.

A Hispanic woman: Why can’t they save us?

Elon Musk: Because…they’re WOMEN. Okay. There’s your answer.

*He shrugs*

Now I suppose I’ll have to explain why her husband Mark isn’t involved.

*He rolls his eyes*

Because we didn’t hire him. Right? *He laughs*

No, I’m joking. This part is fiction.

…Clearly.

But it’s true.

We have few men who are truly doing much of anything to help them.

*He shrugs*

It’s Lacey, and a few other intelligent women, who are doing the best.

I don’t think you all understand. I’m sorry.

Lacey: Why aren’t more men against it?

Elon Musk: I do try. I’m one the few.

They don’t want to listen.

Why? Well…-

*He thinks.*

A perfume collector in the community: So L’Oréal…works with Lacey…to help the immigrants in the camps?

L’Oréal: Yes.

She’s not a bad person, I’m sorry.

A perfume collector in the community: Does Eric work for L’Oréal?

Eric: I buy L’Oréal. So do you! I can tell. Don’t lie!

Wow.

Yes, I do. My mom is…involved with that company. Long story.

Don’t assume they’re all good people. But a few really are.

Jim: Why is Elon Musk helping Trump’s opponents?

Casi (?): I think he’s a scammer.

Have you heard how the Tesla trucks start on fire?

Jim: No.

Huh.

So you don’t like Tesla?

Casi (?): *Thinks*

*Looks angry, and pouty*

Jim: Huh.

Why don’t you support Trump anymore?

Elon Musk: Oh! I still do!

Jim: *Looks stunned*

*Thinks*

A Hispanic woman: Why can’t you do more?

L’Oréal: Because it’s not humanly possible.

We really are trying!

Dr. Harles: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Why say something like that!?

Do you want help!?

I understand you deserve it. We all do! But…you sound tone deaf.

A Hispanic woman: *Fumes and cries*

Okay! Thank you!!!

Dr. Harles: Are you in the camp?

A Hispanic woman: No.

I’m the victim though. Not you.

Dr. Harles: Yeah!

But you’re rude!

A Hispanic woman: *Shrugs*

Dr. Harles: Where are all the other sane people!?

L’Oréal: Dead.

No! I’m serious.

Within the last ten years, a lot of people who knew better have died. In all honesty, I’m in my 60’s. And Lacey’s father was born in 1894.

*She laughs.*

The people who have replaced us, are all…

Lem: Yes.

Lacey’s doing all she can.

Actually…she once tried to help organize the protests in Minnesota. To be more effective.

Right after that, Alex got shot. And so did Renee Good.

Do you know why? Because so much hatred has been directed at her…that the protesters themselves…rejected her help. Violently so. …And then they did worse, until she detached herself.

Casi (?): No!

The CIA: Yes.

She had to stop paying attention.

It’s all energetic.

A reader: What did she tell them to do?

Lem: She was going to make the protests…better organized, on the ground. She had military strategies she was going to implement.

And yes, obviously they were good ideas.

A reader: Like what?

Lem: Do you think she’s making this all up?

A reader: No. And yet yes?

But I hate her, regardless. That’s why I read her blog.

Yet another reader: What were her ideas!?

Lem: She had them on very strategic blocks, in relation to ICE. It was all very clever.

I’m too distracted to go into it, but it would have been effective. Caught international attention, to an unusual degree. And…done a lot of good.

Kasey: What were they doing wrong?

Lem: They kept trying to ambush them, sort of.

*He laughs.*

Actually, it reminds me of the strategy used in the Anglo-Zulu War. By “my” side.

We didn’t understand how…dangerous, certain psychological situations can be.

Lacey: That’s a great insight!

I see the similarities.

Eric: Let’s let this be a blog studying the Anglo-Zulu War. From now on.

Eric tries to explain why he thinks Lacey and Lem would be happily married, if she’d been born at the beginning of the 20th century.

Eric: Lacey photographs very badly. Lem photographed well.

He’s far more average looking than her.

Lacey never went clubbing, for real. The one time she was almost picked-up at a bar in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania the dude accidentally thought she was already in a committed relationship with another guy. She tried to explain that she didn’t want to do dirty dancing with him or make-out and he automatically assumed it was to stay faithful to another young man.

Lem, is…not…boring. At least, to her.

Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.

She’s not able to twerk. Neither is Lem. But they’re sexy on the dance floor, together.

He’s tall. She’s actually quite voluptuous, but she’s petite.

Imagine Craig Kilborn dancing with a more petite and “skinny” Christina Hendricks. That’s them. Are Christina and Lacey ever really skinny? Mmm…? Maybe.

It’s attractive. They’re attractive together.

Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas.

He towers over her some. Holds her close. And she lets him, fully embrace her.

Jackie stood at a distance. So did Ethel. Lacey is…his.

But she just wasn’t there.

She finds him…unbelievably attractive. Irreplaceable. I think. And, that’s as it should be. The man captures the woman.

Listen to “Between the Bars” by Elliott Smith.

The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: Does he shock her, with sex?

Eric: So you’ve assumed she’s frigid?

The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: *Nods, smiling*

Eric: Hell no.

You’re sick.

I’m sorry.

Catholics in Minnesota: Don’t explain!

Don’t get sexual.

If you get sexual on this blog-

I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: *Laughing*

Umm…-

Do you consider it…illegal? Or just morally bankrupt?

Catholics in Minnesota: BOTH!!!

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: Okay!?

*The scoff*

What’s going to happen? She’s going to-

Catholics in Minnesota: I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS!!!

Is that too much to ask!?

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I’m tired.

Do you have any idea how many hours I work!?

You seriously think…-

*They roll their eyes and walk-off*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Let me help.

You guys had sex!

*His audience in the past, cracks-up laughing.*

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I used to like that show. And then I realized he was just a jerk.

Now…I wonder…

The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Nods, sadly*

Just pretend you’re on my show.

Lem: *Laughs*

She’s my wife.

The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Glares at Lem*

Lem: *Looks serious*

*crickets chirp*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: So you’re straight?

Lem: *Nods*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Where’d you two meet?

For real.

Lem: God!

*Covers his mouth*

*Starts laughing*

*Leans back in his chair*

*Crosses his arms*

You know where!

Craig Kilborn: *Laughs*

No. We don’t.

Lem: Fine.

*He whispers a swear word to God.*

Well, let’s just put it this way: It was arranged in Heaven.

Craig Kilborn: Ahh!

Yes.

Marriage.

*He cracks up laughing.*

Lacey: *Nods emphatically*

Lem: She was my wife, in Heaven.

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Man!

That must have been Hell, being gay all those years.

Lem: *Nods and laughs*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: She seems like a sophisticated lady. What happened?

Lem: She wanted to be born in the early 20th century, but she wasn’t able to be. Ask God! *He says, with some anger at God.*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Dude.

Okay!

You gotta be real with me. We both know you’re not gay. Ain’t no way.

What the hell was that like?

Lem: *Thinks for a moment*

I used to think of her. Often.

Craig Kilborn: *Blinks*

*Covers his mouth, slowly*

…

Catholics in Minnesota, interrupting: THIS IS THE PURE PRURIENT EVIL WE SPARRED YOU FROM FOR MONTHS!!

…

Lem: *Laughs with Lacey at Catholics in Minnesota.*

Craig Kilborn: So you two have the Catholic Church on your asses?

Lem: *Nods*

I made a horrific mistake.

Craig: Huh.

…

Catholics in Minnesota: YOU SURE DID! YOU SURE DID, LEM!

Lacey: *Cracks-up, lovingly laughing at them*

Catholics in Minnesota: Why are you laughing? *They say to Lacey.*

Lacey: You remind me of me. Or something. It cracks me up!!

Catholics in Minnesota: *Try to cast demon out of her for saying that.*

YOU ARE THEOLOGICALLY OFF-BASE!!

Lacey: AHHH!! HERE COMES THE SWORD OF CHRIST!!!!

*She says, mocking them.*

*She laughs*

HAVE YOU A CHARIOT!? AND A FLAMING BIBLE!!?

Catholic Christians in Minnesota to “Catholics in Minnesota”: Please stop!!

…

Craig Kilborn: Do you two have sex?

…

Lacey: Are you going to go after him too? With a flaming Bible?

Minnesota Catholics: He’s not violation of anything.

Lacey: HOW!?

Minnesota Catholics: *Panic*

You’re a DEMON WORSHIPPER!!!

Lacey: You’re really that dumb?

Minnesota Catholics: *Think*

You’re right. I’m the one who’s being evil.

Lacey: What’s WRONG WITH YOU!?

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL!? *She shrieks*

Minnesota Catholics: I’m not going to Hell.

Lacey: Says who!? YOU!? Oh THAT’S RICH!!! WHO ARE YOU!?

Minnesota Catholics: I’m a demon.

Lacey: NO!

I’ve seen you be this way! IN PERSON.

Minnesota Catholics: You’re A BITCH!!

Lacey: Ha! No. I just don’t want you going to HELL.

Minnesota Catholics: I’m not going to Hell.

Lacey: BASED ON WHAT!?

YOUR ASS!?

Minnesota Catholics: *Think*

I take the HOLY Communion.

Lacey: HA!

With a clean conscience!?

Minnesota Catholics: *Think*

Why are you so Irish?

Lacey: I’m not.

If I’m Celtic at all, it Scottish.

Minnesota Catholics: You scare me. I’m worried we can reincarnate.

And if we can…DAMN! You’re all hell and brimstone.

Lacey: HA!

So you don’t give a shit!?

Minnesota Catholics: No. I do.

Lacey: Huh.

Only to be an asshole. Huh? Not when it comes to being accountable to God, yourselves?

Minnesota Catholics: You’re too pretty.

Lacey: For what?

Minnesota Catholics: For the priesthood. Chill out.

Lacey: Oh!

So you’re a misogynistic idiot. And a coward too. And an anti-intellectual fool.

Minnesota Catholics: We kicked you out of our schools. Was that a felony?

Lacey: Yes.

Did you research me on Instagram?

Minnesota Catholics: Yes.

Lacey: *Nods*

And then you found reason to believe you should attack me?

Catholics in Minnesota: Yes.

Lacey: Huh.

Yeah…someone committed an actual felony. Because you were very cruel to me. You bullied my whole family.

Catholics in Minnesota: You’re Jews!

Lacey: No. We’re not.

You can’t put that on me.

Catholics in Minnesota: *Looks upset*

Lacey: I’m not anti-Semitic. But I’m not a Jew.

Catholics in Minnesota: *Look disturbed*

Lacey: So you think it’s fine to bully Jews?

Catholics in Minnesota: *Begin to cry*

Lacey: How much have you done to protect the Hispanics? In Minnesota?

Catholics in Minnesota: FUCK YOU!

Lacey: Well…how much?

Catholics in Minnesota: Not enough.

Lacey: *Looks guilty*

I’d feel guilty too, except I can’t do much. It’s not safe.

Catholics in Minnesota: You’ve done enough!

Lacey: Are you implying I’m responsible!?

*She laughs.*

Catholics in Minnesota: Yes?

Are you?

Lacey: WOW!

Are you illiterate? *She asks with some concern*

Catholics in Minnesota: Maybe?

Lacey: Shouldn’t it be obvious I’m not!?

Catholics in Minnesota: We snubbed you. And your daughter.

Lacey: I’m not. If I am God has my sincerest…

The energy of a Nazi: WAIT WHAT!?

Sincerest?!?

Lacey: I can’t discuss this, so…carelessly.

…

Craig Kilborn: Well…-

Lem: Yes! She’s my wife.