Keen to Cross the Pond

It was 1997. New York City.

Dimitry and Bobby. There were cafe-style tables. All set out with accompanying music. Accordions. A good female Black Jazz singer. A live Jazz band. Someone played on the Steinway on the first floor.

The cafe tables were arranged upstairs. Cute wooden chairs were shoved underneath the tables. It looked delightful. A bit…suggestive?

The second-floor had several large, old blown-glass windows. Beautiful detailing.

Of course, this was in the winter…but…I’m sure this 7,000 sq. foot mansion…is air conditioned. Of course.

It’s a beautiful house. Of course, neither Bobby nor Dimitry own the house.

But…that’s okay. I guess? …Because Bobby is Bobby Kennedy, son of Ethel and Bobby Kennedy and Dimitry is a handsome young man who seems…socially adroit and snobby? Well-dressed. Well-groomed. Ready to mingle with both women and men, and have fun. Real fun.

This was decades ago. Before Stanley Kubrick “published” Eyes Wide Shut.

Dimitry stayed at a posh hotel with friends, all in the same posh room…ate room service and then showered and groomed for the party of his life. For him, this was…unbelievable.

He’d worked his way up. Socially. Over years. Lots of effort. Lots of fun, actually, too. But anyway, this was a very big deal.

For Bobby, it was another dull Saturday night. Do you know how many parties that man has been to!? *Eye-roll* This wasn’t a big deal AT ALL.

But…Bobby had recently fallen off the wagon and started drinking. And…he was really into…absinthe. YES. Absinthe. …He’d read The Sun Also Rises and gotten on a 1920’s kick. And he wanted to…party like it was 1926. And feel…rich…like his grandpa was in the 20’s. He went around drunk, for weeks. Hiding it, but occasionally bursting into laughter or shouting, late at night with friends.

His wife, at the time, Mary…was horrified. But…she tried to be his best buddy. As per usual.

They walked into the same room. But not simultaneously.

Bobby…had been there…for HOURS.

Drinking. Talking. Smoking cigarettes. Flirting. Making Mary feel…like worthless shit. As per usual. But as per usual…she acted indifferent, obtuse and…almost braindead. Because at the end of the night…she always took him back. She always took him…home. And acted…like…it was….cool. Like she had some secret with him. Of course, she didn’t. And by 2015…she had hung herself. Because…amazingly…she finally realized he really was…hurting her. Like for real.

Anyway…Bobby doesn’t know that. …YES! Bobby doesn’t even know that. …About Mary.

He’s never taken much notice of other people. For most of his life. He’s DUMB AS A DOORNAIL. …By choice. He doesn’t notice. …He just doesn’t notice.

To him…Mary was…cool. Hot. Sexy. Fun. And…close. Because he had no idea he was hurting her. And when he did realize it, it made him laugh at her and applaud himself, because he’s most certainly a diagnosed narcissist.

Were they actually in love? Maybe. And that’s why Mary kept hanging-on. In part. But…he’s a horrible person. And he enjoyed making her cry. It made him feel like he was worth a damn.

And…I understand. Except…there are times when narcissists can be evil. And…go too far. And genuinely mean to be…irreparably cruel. And Jack did that. Jack Kennedy. To…many people, including Jackie, Lem and Marilyn. And Bobby Senior did that occasionally, although maybe not as often. And…for whatever sick, incredibly disturbing, and heartbreaking reason…Bobby seems to have a habit of doing that in every intimate relationship he ever has. And Mary…as hard as she tried…couldn’t “save him”.

Some might say he’s mentally-ill. But it’s not easy to tell. Many experts have been…hesitant. And not just because he’s “a Kennedy”.

Anyway, he was still…attractive. Some might still think he’s attractive now. But he’s aged. And it would take a diehard Irish Eyes fan to appreciate him now. Or some such thing. …And there are plenty of people like that. But back then…well, “the Kennedys” still very much seemed…vivid, and real, and impressive. People wanted to hear about them. People loved to hear about them. And they got elected. Yes! They actually won elections. Actual impressive elections.

And Bobby was…a lot younger. His skin wasn’t saggy. …He just looked…better.

Anyway, it’s no wonder…at all…that Dimitry, a hot young social butterfly, with roots in Greece…found him…mesmerizing.

Dimitry…was actually, mostly sober. And possibly…feeling…bored? Or disappointed. Because…it just…wasn’t that…great.

I mean, he was devouring the atmosphere. He was…DEVOURING the whole scene. It felt…like a taste of Heaven, to him. And he was…blissful. On a certain level. …He felt…such happiness.

The music. The art. The conversation. …The clothes people wore. …The way they wore their hair. Their makeup. …Their cologne.

It was…an essential moment in his life. A moment that…made his life…in this…universe, almost identical to our own, feel…worth living.

Listen to “Glycerine” by Bush.

Who noticed who? Bobby noticed Dimitry.

Of course.

And then…he staged the whole thing.

Bobby did.

He told several of his goomahs…to go talk to Dimitry. They…were all high on coke. Blond. Skinny. Aging. And…ready to “just have fun”. He was not weirded out. At all.

Bobby was…intrigued.

He seemed…competent. Charming. Relaxed.

How did he get invited? It really was just through friends. He was not a “yacht girl”. Dimitry was just…was genuinely that good at social interactions and politics.

Bobby…at least temporarily…lost his bloody mind.

Listen to “December” by Collective Soul.

And…he had fun.

Dimitry made him…feel.

They danced for…three hours.

For the next four months…Bobby was…smitten. Dimitry didn’t take it seriously, at all. He was too smart. Too worldly. He just…had a blast.

Listen to “You’re as Pretty as a Picture” by Al Bowlly.

In an alternate universe.

It’s 1999. Or maybe 1998. Dimitry of the perfume community is vacationing in New York City. With friends.

He hasn’t met Mira yet.

And at a party, where old money and celebrities clash, in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, Dimitry meets Bobby.

Listen to “Puttin’ On The Ritz” as performed by Ella Fitzgerald.

The two men, in suits, are very drunk. Dimitry is wearing…Chanel Egoist. And that becomes a joke between him and Bobby.

A guy in Belgium in the perfume community: You like Chanel Egoist?

Bobby: *Smirks and glares at him*

Lacey: So essentially…they’re attracted to each other. Whether they should be or not.

They probably hook-up.

And they probably fall in love. If that’s even possible.

And…I’m sure Mira is…mad about that right now. And Bobby is ready to kill her.

They’re in a bloodbath over Dimitry.

Listen to “Only” by Nine Inch Nails.

Who’s wrong? Who’s right? It’s somewhat foggy.

“Mira is A BITCH!” bites Bobby Kennedy Junior.

Mira…steams in rage.

Dimitry stands there. Blinking.

3:36

“HOLY SHIT!” says an old perfume community member. “HOLY SHIT.”

The song ends.

Listen to “The Hand That Feeds” by Nine Inch Nails.

Jan: Huh.

So…you all…dated?

Bobby: YES!

Okay?

Jan: He’s handsome, I’ve noticed him too.

Bobby: Well-

*he cries*

The song ends.

Listen to “Everything In Its Right Place” by Radiohead.

Jan: What happened?

Bobby: *Looks sad*

1:33

Bobby: He wears…Eau Fraiche. Dimitry.

Lemon.

I’d never met a man like that before. I haven’t traveled to Greece. At least not much.

*He laughs*

Jan: My goodness!

So you did hook-up.

Bobby: *Freaks out in his head*

He’s straight.

*He laughs*

So am I.

Listen to “Dumb” by Nirvana.

Jan: Well…-

Wait so…I think the word is bisexual.

No! Seriously. It’s called…bisexual.

Bobby: You’re the grandson of a Nazi.

*he snarls*

2:03

2:26

The song ends.

Lacey: *Laughs*

Listen to “Love You Madly” by Cake.

Lacey: Yeah. Okay.

So…you fell in love with Dimitry.

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH DIMITRY!! *she yells in Bobby’s ear, but appropriately*

Bobby: *Blinks, thinking about*

1:37

Lacey: He’s good-looking.

I’m not sure if it’s allowed in the Bible.

But…you really liked him?

Bobby: *Thinks*

*walks-off, considering it*

Lacey: *Watches, lovingly*

*Turns to Jan*

What’s going on!?

I’m SO lost…

The song ends.

Listen to “Intergalactic” by Beastie Boys.

Jan: You’re German. For one thing.

For another?

*He thinks*

I’m lost too. Where do THEY meet???!

Lacey: Yes!

*She goes to investigate*

2:35

Lacey: *Walks, safely, in heels*

Joe!

JOE!

*Joe explains, almost*

Mira: It’s okay.

I understand.

3:40

Lacey: What’s going on?

The song ends.

Mira: So…-

*She laughs, uncomfortably*

My husband and I are bisexual.

Stephanie: So am I!

Dimitry: This isn’t funny.

Bobby: I agree.

Jan: Where did you two meet?

Bobby: I didn’t give a shit that night.

Okay?

And…I just started dancing with him.

Jan: Why was he there?

Bobby: I don’t know-

*He laughs*

People like him show-up sometimes. And you can sleep with them, or not. …Sometimes it’s cool, sometimes it’s weird.

There were a couple of weird chicks I slept with in the 1970’s! Yikes!

*He laughs*

But…sometimes you almost wonder if you could fall in love. And…it’s not likely. You know? It was a way to just get what we called “a good lay”. But…sometimes really cool people show-up.

A Boomer: Like Mary.

Bobby: Yes!

Yes, like Mary.

Really, like my first wife too.

*He thinks*

Did this actually happen!?!

God: We have to entertain the possibility. Given the psychotic, extremely dangerous nature of what the current Illuminati did…we have to consider it.

Bobby: I guess he-

We must have hooked-up.

Listen to “Comfort Eagle” by Cake to mock the spiritually sick relationship America has with the sex life of the Kennedys and their sexual energy.

1:30

1:38

Lem: I drink…Pepsi.

2:00

Lem: I served…food…and handled money.

2:27

Dead Nazis: We’re…behind you.

2:51

Lacey: Huh.

*Thinks*

So…who’s the deity?

The song ends and restarts.

Actual Nazi: It seems like…a…group?

Lacey: That’s not-

The energy won’t…stick.

An actual Nazi: True!

1:14

A Millennial woman: *Dances*

I like it.

It’s my religion.

For real.

A Nazi: Who are you worshipping?

An American Millennial woman: *Thinks*

3:13

The song ends.

Jan: Jesus? *He jokes*

An American Millennial woman: *Looks disturbed and confused*

The song restarts.

0:53

Dimitry: I helped design the cover of a famous record. I still get residuals.

Bobby: But why were you there that night?

They just want to know.

Dimitry: Do we have to talk about this?

Bobby: YES!

You fucker!

YES!!!!

2:52

Pete Hegseth: Adam?

What are-

Listen, Eve is cool.

Listen to “I Might Be Wrong” by Radiohead.

Pete Hegseth: Adam…stop being a prissy bitch.

You hate Eve, slightly.

You don’t think “the guys” didn’t notice? We so did.

Look. We’re all in Jesus. Chill.

And honestly, maybe it’s shit anyway. Maybe…it’s all about the women. In Heaven.

*He shrugs*

We know you love Mira. We can tell.

*He laughs at Adam*

But…you hooked-up with Bobby Kennedy Junior. And things are…ugly.

You need…to talk.

Stop expecting us to cover your SAD ass.

3:44

Iran: It’s okay!

You’re not in trouble, my boy.

Just talk.

The song ends.

Listen to “Where It’s At” by Beck.

Trump: *Considers blowing-up the Kennedy Center.*

I’m not as dumb as I seem.

1:53

Jan: This is getting DUMB.

What happened!?

2:27

Jan: TELL US.

2:50

Bobby: I can’t. It’s not real.

*He laughs*

3:22

The song ends.

A comedian: Do you want us to guess?

A dumb, hateful reader of 2026: How do these weird synchronicities keep happening?

That’s her schizophrenia. Right?

*he says, completely seriously*

Another reader: But she’s not doing anything…

A dumb, hateful reader: No. But that doesn’t happen for you and me.

Because we’re normal.

Isn’t that AI feeding into her schizophrenia?

Another reader: Why are you assuming she’s taking that SO seriously?

A dumb, hateful reader: *freaking out*

Because! It’s scary.

And I for one, will not fall for this EVIL woman’s STUPID shit!

A counselor: But…how do you what she’s saying?

A dumb, hateful reader: Because! It’s so obvious!

I can tell.

A counselor: But you don’t know. You don’t actually know what she is thinking.

A dumb, hateful reader: Oh? I see what this is!

It’s a Jewish plot!

Her husband is A JEW!??

*He laughs and smiles.*

The JUICE is at it again!!! This time…they’re getting creative.

*He high-fives himself internally, and grins*

A woman: *clapping her hands in glee*

Except…isn’t it kind of weird…how she’s German? And she seems to be en league with the real Nazis?

A dumb, hateful reader: She has no soul.

I’m not too worried.

A woman: No. She has one.

A dumb, hateful reader: Dude! Haven’t you heard of NPCs? They’re all over!

She’s SO an npc.

A woman: So what was Werner sleeping with?

A dumb, hateful reader: *Thinks*

They never slept together.

A woman: Why?

A dumb, hateful reader: *Thinks*

Maybe she’s being faithful to Lem.

A woman: Then how is she an npc?

A dumb, hateful reader: *Thinks*

Dimitry: Are you a closeted bisexual?

A dumb, hateful reader: *Looks caught*

God: He is.

I’m not saying it’s allowed in Heaven, but yes. He is.

Listen to “Sabotage” by Beastie Boys.

The FBI: Mira. Why couldn’t you be friends with Lacey?

Mira: Because in all honesty, she’s shit compared to me.

And I have an image to protect.

I can’t associate with riff raff like her.

Casi: They’re much wealthier than you’ll ever be. And you’re an illiterate idiot, compared to her.

Mira: That’s not real.

Okay?

It’s not real.

Casi: No. It’s REAL.

Mira: Ha!

I’m an illiterate bimbo. Who’s almost from the gutters of Eastern Europe? Fine! I’m a smelly shop-girl cheap slut? Fine.

I have to work in retail or I starve. I’m not sophisticated and educated enough to be hired anywhere else.

I’m a poser.

Fine.

But…I’m not a farm person.

*she cracks-up laughing*

Jeremy Fragrance: I know! That’s what I thought too!

It’s like-

*He cracks-up laughing with her*

A FARM!

With poo-

*They laugh together, hysterically*

POOP!!

*They can’t stop laughing*

Listen to “Bled for Days” by Static-X.

Casi: This is all about poop?

*she looks genuinely shocked and upset*

0:37

Casi: *Freaks out*

Lacey: *Laughs*

This song is funny to me.

But…maybe it’s good?

*she listens to the song*

2:08

*Gets sleepy*

SHUT-UP!

He’s too dumb to use a normal voice. He’s not that angry.

2:53 and it stops.

Listen to “Ive Got The Power (inspired by He-Man)” by Pop the Fan.

Lacey: Dimitry.

What happened?

Dimitry: *Looks difficult*

2:08

The song ends.

Listen to “Cuban Cabby” by Desi Arnaz.

Dimitry: I was…raised a bit poor. Okay?

Bobby: Were you?

Dimitry: Yeah.

Bobby: I didn’t know that.

Dimitry: REALLY!?

Bobby: *Thinks*

No.

I mean…no-

Dimitry: Bobby.

*He laughs*

What actually happened between us?

Bobby: *Looks silent*

A perfume collector: Do you not talk about it?

Bobby: Yes.

It’s not your business…

Dimitry: Okay. But I guess we have to now!

I’m sorry.

Listen to “Sway” as performed by Rosemary Clooney & Pérez Prado.

Bobby: We had sex.

If you can call gay sex, sex? We had sex.

Dimitry: How many months?

Bobby: Are we over?

I’m sorry.

If there’s an Illuminati…I don’t even know.

*He looks panicked*

I don’t know-

There may be alternative universes. If there’s an Illuminati…we’re really into that.

Arnold: It’s okay.

We can all go back.

To sanity.

Just…let it go? Huh?

Listen to “Besame Mucho” as performed by Xavier Cugat.

The FBI: Cute!

But no thanks, Barbie.

Bobby, go on.

Bobby: We-

I can’t tell.

I’m SORRY!

I can’t tell.

Dimitry: In all honesty, I’m very in love with Mira.

Bobby: Are you really though?

Dimitry: We talked about this.

Bobby: *Laughs*

See. You actually are saying that.

WE CAN TELL!!

*panics*

Listen to “On An Evening In Roma” as performed by Dean Martin.

Dimitry: Bobby.

We can’t talk about this now.

I keep telling you that.

I’ve told you that a hundred times!!!

I’m happy!

I’m HAPPY!

I’m married to MIRA.

Mira: *Fumes*

A Millennial dad: *smiles and dances*

This is cute.

A Millennial mom: Aww.

A Millennial dad: Do we tell them? Or what?

I’m lost.

Listen to “Rhythm Is a Dancer” by SNAP!.

A Millennial dad: Bob!!

Hey, BOB!!

Bobby: *ignores him*

A Millennial dad: Babes? Hot dude?

Bobby: *Looks at him*

A Millennial dad: So. You have feelings for Dimitry?

Bobby: *panics*

2:09

A Millennial dad: It’s okay.

You can be honest.

Bobby: *Thinks*

I mean…-

*He thinks*

Yeah?

I guess?

3:08

A Millennial Dad: COOL.

Look…the only casual problemo…is that…he’s married.

Right now.

4:00

Bobby: But…I have feelings-

A Millennial dad: All good and well.

But…he’s…married.

Bobby: *Looks sad*

*Thinks*

The song ends.

Listen to “What Is Love” by Haddaway.

Bobby: NO!

I’m not going to stand for it.

A Millennial dad: Yeah.

But…-

Right now…he’s married.

Bobby: *Looks incredibly upset*

2:06

Bobby: Well I didn’t and DO NOT…CARE.

I want…what I want.

3:07

A Millennial dad: Nope.

You have to be smarter than that.

Bobby: *Cries*

3:49

A Millennial dad: It’s fine.

Somehow it will all work out.

Bobby: I WANT TO KILL HIM.

A Millennial dad: Oh.

Listen to “The Rhythm of the Night” by Corona.

Bobby: He’s scum.

A Millennial dad: Not necessarily.

*Thinks*

Maybe he’s just not…for you?

Bobby: To be honest…I’m not so sure about that.

A Millennial dad: Okay.

But then why are we being put in this situation? I don’t appreciate it.

Bobby: He’s not that bad!

A Millennial dad: Look.

You’re just getting carried away. Okay?

And it’s not worth that.

I promise.

Bobby: But then how do you fall in love?

A Millennial dad: Yeah.

Do you not like vaccines now?

Bobby: It’s a conspiracy.

A Millennial dad: Huh.

Are you scared of getting a shot?

Bobby: Yes.

How did you know that?

A Millennial dad: Just knew.

Hey.

Look…maybe it works out. Okay? But…I feel like you’re taking this one too seriously.

Bobby: I struggle-

A Millennial dad: Yeah.

Well…-

Do you think you’ll be Chinese?

Bobby: SHIT!

You really do have my number…

How did you all figure me out!?

A Millennial dad: Yeah.

Well…if there’s an Illuminati…what were you doing with Lacey? All these years?

Bobby: *Looks caught*

You heard my thoughts?

A Millennial dad: Psychically? Maybe.

Yeah.

Okay. So…I just think you need to reposition your mind.

He’s cute. I’m not gonna lie.

*He shrugs*

But…you’re getting weird.

And I don’t think he’s worth that.

Okay?

Bill: He’s so great?

Yeah?

But…-

*He thinks*

He’s not…convincing me.

Listen to “La Isla Bonita” by Madonna.

Bill: He’s…actually kind of a big bitch. Not his wife.

Right?

I mean, think about this.

Bobby: *Thinks*

*Looks mad and pouty*

2:03

Bobby: He’s hurting.

2:37

Bill: Yes!!

Indeed.

But…you’re going to break-up their marriage?

3:49

Bill: Are you even allowed to do that?

Bobby: No. I’m not.

3:35

The song ends.

Bill: So. That leaves us with far fewer options.

Bobby: *Cries*