Crazy

A while back, I made a comment on Twitter about a statement made by Former United States Representative Patrick Kennedy who thought that people shouldn’t refer to Donald Trump as “crazy.”  I thought that it was fair to call him crazy based on his behavior…

But you know, I was wrong.  It really is never ok to throw around the word crazy that way.  And I see that now because I suspect people have thought I was crazy lately or at least “crazy.”  Experience is good at opening our eyes.

And you know, I have often empathized with Donald Trump.  I have…  That’s not to say that I will vote for him, or that I think he his behavior is at all often appropriate or good…  He’s deplorable in many ways.  But, I still empathize with him.  He is a human.  He also has a truly lovely ability to say whatever he wants.  Again, what he says might not be worth hearing, but I do respect him for being fearless in some way…   I think that that’s part of what people love about him.  Good people.  He seems to see through so much and then just says whatever…

No, I will never flippantly call people crazy again.  It’s not a suitable word.  It never elucidates any part of the very complicated mind of a human being.  It just relegates people off into oblivion.  Or at least it almost masks, in the case of Donald Trump, the part we’ve played in creating the “crazy.”  It separates people…

And, in the case of this blog and my art (and yes I will now call myself a writer and artist and fuck people who tell me I can’t yet or ever) I will never be afraid again of people calling me crazy for being myself.  You have to decide at some point if you’re going to worry about people misunderstanding you to the point that you disguise your soul and stay in the lines, or if you’ll risk being ridiculed, (tortured) and fodder for people looking for a victim…   I choose to be myself and if only a few people truly hear me and understand then I guess that’s it.

 

Regret

Late night thoughts are odd ones…

Can I just say that I love my writing?  And I know it needs improving, but to be honest, so does a lot of what I read on the internet nowadays…   If That Guy (formally Handsome) thought I was stupid based on my writing then I ask him to look at his own writing with the same critical and pretentious eye.  I’ve read some of his words and frankly I suspect that he’s not that much better of a writer than I am in terms of innate ability..   And I certainly have a better understanding of human beings.  I don’t hate them…  To understand humans is to see our fragility and beauty.  The beginning of empathy rests in understanding how painful everyone’s life is in one way or another and giving people some sort of mercy and benefit of the doubt no matter how cruel they are…   I don’t care if my heart bleeds.  This is an awful world and if your heart isn’t “bloody” you’re either dead or dying…

If I sound lofty and arrogant I’m sorry.  It’s just that I love myself.  And no, I’m not a narcissist.  I just genuinely love myself…   I was fortunate enough to have a mother who showed me acceptance and real love.   I love my own humanity.  I love it

Handsome, or That Guy…  I suspect you’ll be reading this, because I think you really did care about me on some level.   And I think you really were not just some all terrible and unfeeling man…

You shouldn’t have done what you did, but I think you know that by now.  I wonder why you did it…

I still have feelings for you.  You probably know that…   I still even want to be with you.  But, as my husband pointed out, I have no idea how I could ever truly trust you now…  You showed a really profound lack of respect and concern for my feelings.  You totally disregarded my humanity.  You treated me like an animal or worse.  You turned me into nothing but a play thing…  or at least, you tried to.  But I didn’t really let you.  Did I?  Not really…   And see that’s the thing with bullies, like you, you envy people like me.  You hate us because we remind you of all of your worst fears about yourself.  We remind you of every self-loathing thought you have…  I know we do.

Love yourself you stupid little fool.  Love yourself and you become invincible.  Can you do it?  Do you have the courage to be honest about who you really are?  Can you even read this without finding some cowardly intellectual exit?  Some way to avoid the reality that you can’t handle?  What are you hiding?  I wonder…  I really do.  Maybe you’re a sociopath.  But then again, maybe you’re just a messed up person who is living a glittery, but damned existence.

You know I’m right.  I know you do…  People mock what they fear…

You don’t need me.  You need yourself.

But…  I still do care, and I know I “shouldn’t” but I do.  Maybe I just see things in you that you don’t see in yourself and maybe that means something…  Or maybe I see them in everybody.  :)   Either way, you’ll have to come after me…  it’s on you.  And, if you don’t, I hope you find someone to truly love who truly loves you.   Someday…  somewhere.    I hope you’re capable of that kind of real happiness…

 

 

 

 

 

 

So… Yeah…

It seems I may have been the victim of an oddly elaborate and perverse joke lately.  Someone (who I called Handsome) seems to have been reading this blog with the intention of manipulating and decieving me into thinking we were falling for each other.  And if that sounds insane or too far-fetched, well…  I would have thought so too.  I would have assumed that someone who often seemed so convincingly nice, conscientious and sensitive wouldn’t demonstrate slightly (at least) sociopathic tendencies…  ?  I usually can read people’s character well…   But some people are just very genuinely talented actors I guess.  I question what else he only pretends to be…  I bet his life is mostly a lie, to be honest, or it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if that was true…

*sigh*

I do hope to eventually meet someone who really is the person Handsome was pretending to be.  To be honest, once I think there was someone like that but he’s dead now…  “Handsome” reminded me of him.  Almost everyone I’ve ever fallen for has reminded me of him in some way…

You know, I’m not really embarrassed at all, for whatever reason.  And I know I’m not an idiot, or a fool…   or beneath anyone.  I really do know that, despite what I’m quite sure he tries to tell himself to overcome obviously deep insecurity.   My blessing and curse is that I like to believe that truly lovely things can actually happen.  If some people think that’s funny or infantile then their own joke is actually really on them and their likely hellish, joyless or deeply shallow existence…

I’m proud of the risk I took (even with this blog).  I’m happy to have a better idea of what I’m looking for in a man.  Only I need to find someone who actually embodies what I thought I saw…

And Handsome, despite the fact that you will likely never have the courage or humanity to apologize or even be able to reflect on how evil you truly have been, I forgive you.  I hope you grow up someday and/or if that’s not possible find some other way to make yourself feel better and gain acceptance from your peers than acting like a really silly little piece of (possibly crazy) shit.  You may be brilliant, but so what?  That’s never what impressed me that much.  Brilliant men are a dime a dozen (at least they are for me).   I’m not kidding…   All of my boyfriends/etc.  have had an iq of at least genius level (130’s to 160’s).  What’s your iq?!  My husband is probably just as smart if not more intelligent than you actually…   And I’m pretty damn smart too.

No, I wasn’t “impressed” with your silly little ass for the reasons you probably thought I was.  Oh no…  I give compliments because I’m kind, not because I need something from people.  What I was starting to love, was the fact that I thought you had everything you did… and still had a soul and heart too.  I thought you were a beautiful soul…  I thought you were a beautiful man, inside and out.  But I guess not…

Until later my dear readers.

 

 

 

A Laughing Matter

So it seems Handsome might have just been thinking that what was going on between us was a joke?  Like, it was funny to make me think something between us was real or meant something?

Hmm…  This is a new one indeed…

Handsome, if you’re reading this, that’s the impression I have right now – that you do this sort of thing or flirt with friends often or something as a joke?  And I was just a joke?

Am I understanding this correctly?  If so, you’re an awful person.  You really are.  You’re a useless person too.

If that’s not what was happening between us…   it just became a whole hell of a lot harder to pursue me, because that’s the idea I have in my mind right now.   You’re going to have to actually do something normal to pursue me now (and by normal I mean like… an actual acknowledged conversation) if you this isn’t true… because I’m done.   I’m not a joke.  My family is not a joke…  No human ever is.  And I can’t make sense of you…

You know, the sad truth is, I’m not that surprised if you are a total ass.  This world is full of people like you…  You’re not at all unique.  I guess I might have been very wrong about you being anything but common…

 

Magic

If you’re looking for my review of Emir it’s the post before this one…  :)  Thank you!!


 

I’m incapable of totally expressing my thoughts tonight.  They feel too personal to share on this blog freely, I’m afraid.  And, I feel conflicted because this is such a good place to communicate what I’m thinking and feeling clearly…  But, really, Handsome is the only person who I want to know the majority of what’s going through my mind.

Honestly, even given the amount that we’ve interacted I feel like he’s reached a little part of my heart that no one has quiet touched…   *sigh*  Yes, I know how sickeningly cliché that sounds.  And, I hope Handsome, that that doesn’t seem scary or too passionate to read…   But I’ve never encountered anyone like you before.   Sorry…  it’s just the truth.  You really do seem to be incredible.  🙂

I almost want to shrug right now and shake my head back and forth…  But that seems much too cold and non-nonchalant to suit what it is exactly that I’m aiming at.  And saying thank you also seems inappropriate.

It seems like there are so many things to worry about right now, but…  I almost don’t want to?  That’s very unusual actually, I think.  As messed up as some things seem to be, as half crazy, frightening, and…   fantastic in every sense as they are, I feel a strange sort of peace. Well, yeah…  it’s sort of a peace.

And, I think, I need to start quoting poetry now…  Which, generally means I try poems by Sara Teasdale first.  Her work often helps me clarify my own feelings and thoughts into words.  It has since high school…

I hope someday to truly be your’s…  and not just, “on wild clouds of thought…”  I hope, as I once mused, you do indeed conquer walls of, “…half the world and the broken sea.” *sigh*  If you want

🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emir

image.jpeg

Emir (Dana 1936) is classified as an oriental fragrance.  It starts with a rich, warm aldehydic burst of unearthly powdery citrus, specifically citronella.  And, as it moves into an intense and vibrant floral heart it has an enormous but not overpowering presence.  Matter of fact, at times it is a bit like a good bottle of vintage Emeraude – balsamic but not coarse.  Sensual but never crass…  Into the drydown, this woody, spicy, musky and truly rare beauty is reminiscent of the camphor headiness in vintage Youth Dew but with a distinct powdery, blue allure…

 

Nose: Jean Carles

Top notes: aldehydes, citronella, lemongrass, bergamot, camphor

Middle notes: coriander, Bulgarian rose, iris, ylang ylang, frankincense, jasmine, carnation, galbanum, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, lily of the valley,

Base notes: orris, incense, vanilla, labdanum, tolu balsam, leather, musk, sandalwood, benzoin, patchouli, oakmoss, vetiver, cedar, civet, ambergris

In All Honesty…

image

Today I spent the majority of the day with my husband.  We walked to the beach together where we met my mother, our cousin and my son.  And then we walked back to my cousin’s house together again.  We talked a lot, as always, while meandering through woods, down charming streets with Victorian houses and past vintage cars.

image

One of the topics we discussed was Handsome, of course.  And, to be really honest, I’m still trying to believe that it’s even real.  And, I also keep looking for the dark clouds.  I keep asking myself what’s going to happen next that will make it all sad…  or nothing.  Even if there has been some sort of genuine magic, I question what “the catch” must be.

Handsome, I’m sorry if that seems hurtful.  If you care in some way…  I especially don’t mean to sound unappreciative of what it seems you’ve done.  I know I’ve said this sort of thing before, (maybe most of this whole post is unoriginal) but it seems like something you’d read about in a book (maybe), but not something that would ever happen in real life, no matter how much you wanted it to.

I wonder if you just mean for us to keep flirting, with no deeper connection then just that…  Just some sort of “fun.”   I could easily see someone having that as their intention in our particular situation…

But really, regardless of what’s been happening, or hasn’t, I think it doesn’t hurt to explain a few things about myself.  If you’ve read this far on my blog, I would have thought you might have drawn some conclusions about me, but…  I’d like to add further clarity.  I hope it doesn’t sound harsh or seem to be abrupt or too terribly awkward in its timing.

Handsome I do find you very attractive.  Well, much more than that actually, but given the fact that I have no idea how attractive you find me I don’t want to keep going on about it… I hope that makes sense…  🙂 But anyhow, this has been something very different then just an amusement for me, and in all frankness, if your sole purpose in our interactions is just to flirt then I don’t think I’m interested in flirting any longer.  I’m sorry…   It’s been fun, of course, but that’s not something I’m looking to do just for its own sake for longer then it’s already been going on.  I’m sorry if you feel like you’ve wasted your time if that’s what you’re looking for…

What I do want is an authentic, and meaningful connection with a man.  I don’t want to just be his “special friend” or his…  whatever…  I want something that has potential.  And that’s not to say that I want to leap down the aisle with someone.   But, I do want room for a relationship to grow.    And, I have no idea where all of this leaves things between us…

I don’t know where your heart is…  If it’s reachable or if it’s truly taken.   And, as I’ve said before, speaking from experience, I am not one to assume things.  Matter of fact, based on my marriage I look at most relationships or the lack of them as being much more complicated than the obvious.  Some single people have a lot of “special friends” (or special issues) and are totally unavailable for any potentially long term, intimate, or close anything…  And some marriages are like an old, rotting house just waiting for a strong gust to blow it over.  And then there are open marriages…  and single people who have absolutely no idea what they want.  There are married people who don’t know what they want…

Anyway, I have no real idea if you intend for things to go somewhere or…  any of that.   How could I?  You know?  I don’t know so many things…

But I do know who I am and what I want.  I do know that I will never compete for a man’s heart ever again.  Once was enough to teach me about the futility of such a situation.  I know I want a relationship that can go deep…  I do know that I want to take my time (but not forever) and enjoy getting to know a man before I am married again.   I want something…  magical (at least at first).  And I don’t want to settle for less than a relationship that feels like coming home…

I warned you that I’m an intense and serious person.  I really am.  So, sorry if this post seems too…  depressing?

Regardless of what you want thank you for all the beauty and mystery you’ve added to my days for at least a little while…    And, to be perfectly honest, at times I really feel like I have had something so rare with you that this entire post would be, in truth, unnecessary, but…  it is a mystery.

I hope you’re having a good weekend.   You have seemed tired when I’ve seen you, no matter how handsome you really are, and I hope you’re ok.  Anyway…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shocked by the Sublime

image.jpeg

Earlier today we drove to my mother’s first cousin’s house.  She and her husband, who died a few years back, moved there over forty years ago.  They were and are the sort of people you look up to when you’re a child…  The sort of people who seem wise, nurturing and both sharp as a tack.  My son didn’t like the long drive there but once we arrived he immediately began to glow with excitement.

The evening was spent eating, talking and taking a walk near the Puget Sound.  And…  I felt wonderfully overwhelmed the entire time.  And very distracted….

I’m almost entirely sure Handsome made at least one or two, possibly more, allusions today.  I was shocked.

Matter of fact, I’m not sure what my mother’s first cousin thinks of me right now… Haha!  I was acting so awkward this evening…  But, I’m gobsmacked.  …Not that anyone other than Mark knows about him (what I’ve written on this blog so far notwithstanding).

I don’t really know what to say.  And it’s very lovely.

Handsome I wish you were sitting near me me as I’m writing this.  Then I could either… wink… or smile…  or maybe kiss you, depending on what seemed appropriate.  Depending on what was best…

Thank you for giving me what I believe you did…  Thank you for taking time to do it.  Thank you. It meant a lot to me.

You’re so…  Well, my name for you suits you perfectly.  :)  And those eyes…   I barely had a chance to look at them today in action for more than a couple of minutes or so of course, but I managed a few quick glances and…  they really are amazing.  And it’s not just their color, but your soul…   Your personality.  You really affect me.   I should stop maybe.  I don’t want to sound utterly ridiculous.

Anyway, I’ll probably write you everyday on this blog…  Maybe that’s too…  something?  And, I worry I overdid it with whatever attention I thought I could give you (without seeming odd?) today.  Maybe you didn’t notice?  But if you did, I hope it didn’t seem too silly.  I just…  I’m smitten and whether that’s totally ludicrous, romantic, magical…  or foolish…  I am.

But, really, just thank you…

And, I’m afraid, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to spend time with you, getting to know you.   You know?  Like, what are you really like?

What I’ve experienced, (possibly what we’ve experienced??) has left me wondering about so many things… I know I’m not even half done processing it all.  If you’re at all in my head the way you seem to be, it is rather profound and awe-inspiring…  Isn’t it?!?  Well, it is to me…   And, am I in your head?   I wonder.  I wonder what that even really means exactly?

It’s hard to be totally clear on this blog.  I mean, it’s somewhat easy… but it’s not like siting next to you in private.  Not that I’m trying to hint at something by saying that (although I’m not at all opposed to sitting next to you alone…).  But, there are so many things I wish I could ask you right now…  And…  say.

Anyway…  Although I’d much prefer to offer you an actual hug in person, here’s an offer for one in spirit…

Thank you again…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lovely Patchouli 55

image.jpeg

Although Krigler is a very luxurious, and respectable house I’m afraid Lovely Patchouli 55 (Krigler 1955) is not exactly…  what I expected.   It’s very sweet, and there’s something almost abrasive about the way it plays with my chemistry.   It’s also tart.  The notes mix together into a loud patchouli and then collectively punch one in the nose.  I would not say it is pretty…  or handsome.  And, while the drydown improves it, it doesn’t alter it entirely.

Notes: bergamot, leather, amber and patchouli.

Poetry

Well, I might just as well write about the topic that’s most on my mind.  It seems potentially inelegant to do so somehow…  but…  I suppose it’s authentic.

Handsome.

I think it’s possible he tried to make an allusion to Ode to a Nightingale today, and I did find it quite encouraging whether I should have or not…  It’s a bit enchantingly eerie how these possible references fall at just the right moments.  But, it’s also mysterious in an aching, slightly bittersweet way.  Like, a curiously haunting murmur that calls you to keep going further, even though you just keep telling yourself that it must be your imagination.

As I’ve said, I share everything with Mark.  He told me that he thinks Handsome needs to be clearer.   “I think you’re being way too forgiving.  I think you’re explaining away too many things…”   Maybe he’s right.  But…  there’s that haunting murmur and I can’t ignore it.

So, I’ll wait to hear more, and of course, maybe I never will.  But then again…  And, as far as I can tell, Handsome seems like he’s certainly worth listening to for longer.

Oh dear, Handsome.  I need something more obvious if you want me to truly know.  I’m sorry.   Maybe you don’t want me to know?  Hmm…

Sigh.

So, not to be annoying but below are more topics…  And, I’ll listen.  I’ll listen…  and if I stop listening I’ll tell you.

Still…  tomatoes.  I don’t know why, but I think this is a funny topic to somehow weave into things.  The Kennedy family?  They’re a fascinating group to discuss…   Or how about the color blue?   Periwinkle even?  Hmm…  Or fish?

Oh I don’t know… There’s always Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn.

Or nothing…

Anyway, I love flirting with you, if that’s what we are indeed doing.  I love it.

If you ever do decide to “ask me out” in any sort of way, I’ll be over the moon…  Of course, my logical, slightly pessimistic side warns me that spending time with you on a date might prove that “we” would not be what dreams are made of.  But I’d take the risk.  Unless you’re some sort of secretly awful man (and you definitely don’t seem to be) then my main worry is that I would bore you somehow.  You’re so brilliant (clearly).  But I’d take the risk…  if I was given the chance.  If

Maybe it seems like I’m coming back after deciding not to “hang around” the other day.  Perhaps?   I just found myself taken in your direction by the pull of you and the slight bit of hope I found in your possible reference.    You know?  And I’ll be listening to see if I should stay…