Angry…

I’m angry today.

I’m angry that I’m fighting a cold after just recovering from the stomach flu. I’m angry I’m so tired when there’s so much to do today… And I’m angry that I lost about ten followers nearly instantly on Instagram after sharing about my family again. <rolling eyes> And I tend to think there was a connection… It’s not a big deal but I’m getting tired of this sort of thing. I even went private to avoid a bit of this…

I mean truly, it’s a personal gallery now at the very least and frankly I get bored just reading about perfumes in my feed constantly… Don’t others? I love perfume but it’s not the only thing going on in my life. I doubt it is in their life either… Don’t they ever drink tea? Or go on a walk? Maybe read something? And can’t there be some combination of both?

<Sigh>

Not that devoting your gallery to only perfume is bad. Not at all!! It’s just…I can’t believe I’m boring them that much with a post every couple days (or less often) about my personal life?! I try to post enough perfume to keep those folks interested and entertained? Maybe it is that boring though… <thinking>

<sigh>

But I have a weird feeling a few of them just hate what I shared? I’m bragging? <sigh> Well…if you come from a family that has some aspect…really anything…nice about it…and you talk about your family you’re bound to “brag” about something? Right?

Like… I’ll borrow from the life of a young lady I was friends with in high school and still keep in contact with: Her mother was a stay-at-home-mom, but she was socially involved in her community, and she once had a lovely job in fashion. Her father was an executive. Her sister went to the most expensive and prestigious prep school in the state and then entered the world of high fashion in New York City… And her extended family lives in the Hamptons. Her house in high school was very large with a lake in back (they had a boat), both a formal and casual dining room, sunroom, basement gymnasium, six or seven bedrooms, office, grand staircase, two family/media rooms, parlor, kitchen…etc. and her parents promptly sold it when she graduated from high school so they could travel the world and buy a property in a very nice part of Florida where it’s warmer. First stop was India though for a lovely holiday… (they traveled internationally at least once a year) What the heck was she supposed to say about herself that wouldn’t sound like bragging to anyone but those of a similar background…or better…or who were TRULY raised not to judge people on such things but to accept them first as individuals?!?!? Her father once gave her a nice Lexus suv in her teens for voting. <smile> But really, first and foremost, she was a nice young lady and good friend.

I’m sure someone is reading this saying, “But that was your friend. Not yooouuu…”

<roll eyes>

Yes!!! I KNOW THAT!

<sigh and cry a little out of exasperation>

But my dear readers…my point is that it’s almost impossible not to brag if there’s anything “braggy” about you or your family and you’re telling about yourself. Right?

Or…what about another friend I had who’s mother was a single parent but who had an uncle who was a very famous professional baseball player in the 1980’s and 90’s (I will not name him). She casually mentioned it once and he even picked her up from school one time (it was kind of exciting), but if you had met her and she didn’t mention her uncle people might assume she was “a young girl from a total nobody family” because her mother was trying to do her best to raise her alone and at times it seemed challenging. But…considering her uncle and other things I’m not mentioning that wouldn’t have been entirely accurate. What was she supposed to share? Was she supposed to lead with the bit about her uncle?

People have got to learn to be more comfortable with whoever the heck they are and learn to cherish their gifts, blessings, accomplishments and etc. more. MORE not less… And not in some fake puffed up way either. They have to learn to value themselves… Because that’s the best way to deal with jealousy, hatred or overall insecurity – to truly, truly love yourself in a healthy way. Take an honest (not negative or falsely positive) assessment of who you are, how you fit in the world, and then learn to develop a taste for it… People are all a heck of a lot more special and fascinating than they likely realize. Everyone has some magic about them… Let other people be magical and be magical yourself in your own way.

Perfume lovers should recognize this. Not everyone is Chanel No. 5. I’m not!! I’m the “quieter little brunette sister” fragrance according to some descriptions (hahaha). But…if that’s me then so be it!! I ADORE No. 22 and it suits me like a glove. And I’d rather be comfortable and at peace than the top banana of classic Chanels.

Not everyone is a Francis Kurkdjian creation either… I’m certainly not. And to be honest I’m not that much of a personal fan of those fragrances, although I appreciate them! But if you are a Grand Soir while I cannot easily relate I can certainly see your fabulousness. Likewise, not everyone can be a vintage Guerlain or a vintage Dior or…something by Clive Christian. Or…any other niche, Chanel, Coty… (what’s wrong with being an original Coty as it was intended to smell)…or maybe a Balmain or maybe something by Dusita?

My point is that it’s sad that people can’t just let people be who they are without freaking out about it and comparing themselves. Or insulting people. Or lying. Or etc.

If you’re truly a very rare or exclusive Guerlain you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re honestly a classic Elizabeth Arden you have nothing to be ashamed of. I personally love them both and actually can’t imagine how they could replace each other… They’re both equally valuable (although one costs more) in their own way. They’re just different.

And we’ll all die one day. When we’re laying there rotting, if we have souls and can see beyond do you think we’ll be so concerned about these things?! Lord in Heaven I hope not.

In the meantime, I refuse to entirely shut up about what’s on my mind about my family or myself. There’s a heck of a lot I don’t share. Not because I’m hiding something but because I don’t want to upset people and lose all of my followers except for about ten or twenty… (haha) It’s hard to find a balance.

Whatever.

p.s. I still don’t generally take unfollowing me personally. I just feel frustrated because in some cases it seems to be for a semi personal reason and I’m perplexed by how to best handle it.

None of Us

I first started noticing a shift online about two years ago. I’ve said this before and I really think it’s true. Until then I had had some negative experiences online but nothing that different or more frequent than the rare in-person unpleasantries.

But then it started changing. For me, in the online interactions I have, people became more competitive. People became more catty. And it was harder to distance yourself from people too…

To further explain, I don’t become genuine friends with people (on my end) until I am really and truly close with them to at least some degree. I might count people as good, friendly acquaintances or something like that but nothing more… I don’t let most people get that close. It’s just not wise in my opinion. And it’s not personal against people but…you can’t open up and genuinely trust most people with your heart. Not because they’re all bad or something but because except for a few, most people won’t understand or appreciate us because we’re all so complicated and unique. Real friends are rare. And it’s lovely to enjoy people but I don’t think it makes sense to count everyone you’re on good, pleasant and friendly terms with as a true friend.

Anyway, on Instagram I’ve had many friendly acquaintances. Many! And possibly a very few almost genuine or genuine friends. But…some people seem to have thought things were deeper?

And that has occasionally become a problem when they post 10 photos of their tiny poodle, three of the mushrooms in their yard behind the garage, five of perfume and another two of an open bottle of vodka they’ve recently consumed and one of their morning tomato juice…over a period of weeks or months without taking time to like or comment on anything I’ve posted (save maybe for one post I had tons of likes on). And depending on how much I enjoyed their feed, how long we’ve followed each other or the pleasantness of my interactions with them, I tend to unfollow them sooner or later.

I’m not going to like all of your photos of mushrooms, caterpillars and your neighbors when you can’t be bothered to like anything or almost anything I’ve posted… For weeks or months.

And that’s just one scenario. There are many variations on that.

There have been some people who just couldn’t seem to keep from making seemingly catty remarks or being too unpleasant (often in a passive aggressive way) and I’ve had to unfollow them too and at times I’ve blocked them if they keep coming back and making passive-aggressive catty remarks. I don’t find it necessary to keep interacting with people who probably don’t actually like me just so as not to offend them.

But, at any rate, I think people often take the internet too personally in the wrong way in general. And I think we’re all slightly losing track of reality because of that…

On the internet (and to some degree in real life) people come and go and very few stay for long or that long. Some stay forever. But those are rare people… Some people find that difficult to accept in real life but on the internet there are a lot of people who seem to struggle. They want you to keep following them, giving them attention and etc. but they don’t seem to realize other people’s inherent impermanence, especially if they aren’t polite or they lose interest in interacting with others themselves. Or they overestimate people’s continuing and unconditional interest in them or what they post.

But, of course, taking things too personally on the internet is about more than just struggling with letting people come and go.

When the internet first started it was mind blowing (it still is). The number of people you could reach, who could reach you was staggering. There were no walls. No oceans. No boundaries to the vastness. We all got a kick out of talking to someone from the other side of the world who we knew we’d almost certainly never meet.

And in our amazement and sincere optimism we opened ourselves up to each other to connect and reach out. On Myspace. On Facebook. On Twitter… On blogs.

Some of us had truly life changing experiences. People met their true love. People found long lost friends and family… They made new true friends. Or they connected with people in a very meaningful way. I know I’ve had a few experiences like that…

And there were trolls. Sure. But they were like a fart. They stank and were occasionally a sign of something more pernicious but generally they could be ignored…

But then things shifted somehow. People started basically living online… And, again, I think a lot of us started losing track of reality. At least slightly.

In real life if you see someone drive by you in a Bentley while you’re driving your beat up 1998 Dodge minivan you might admire their car but you very likely don’t take them to heart. Or, at least, people didn’t as much… There was this beautiful, sad distance between people. It meant that you might not ever truly know how “the other half” lived but you accepted that as part of life. You were basically forced to.

There were inherent, intangible walls of respect, privacy and mental quiet for all of us.

Of course, I should note, that lack of distance on the internet can be good. Maybe that was you in one of those cars. Maybe you were a cute, decent and sweet 18 year old guy driving his parents old minivan. And maybe in the front seat of the Bentley was a 17 year old girl who thought you were incredibly attractive… But neither of you would ever have a way to meet naturally. And in that way, the internet is great because it’s fairly egalitarian… Or, it used to be…

But overall, I think things have become toxic. Again, what in real life people can ignore, cope with or grieve in a more authentic and healthy way, they take too much to heart and too personally online. It’s affecting how we treat each other in real life and online.

It’s like we’re all drunk. Some people become very silly and post things that are entertaining and fun. Others become mean, conniving and/or confrontational. Some more promiscuous. Some more quiet and creepily observational… And others pour out their hearts and from time to time find a real connection but at other times they just walk away bruised and in despair.

Really, I don’t think we’ve been self aware enough as a world when it comes to the internet and I don’t think we’ve handled it particularly well.

We all were at least somewhat naïve. We had never had a taste of the internet before… And now, just a decade or two down the road, we have to figure out how to get a grip on this social beast. We have to not to let it inside of us in the wrong ways. We have to use it for good and not let it control us or the situation will just keep getting worse.

Edit: (Caveat) There are times when I think things are personal on the internet and, on Instagram for example, people can unfollow people for truly personal reasons (especially if they know them in real life somehow or have become genuinely close). That can be hurtful. But I think that’s the rare exception. And for those of you reading this who I no longer follow somewhere, nine times out ten I didn’t mean to unfollow you as something against you personally per se. That’s unusual. Again, some distance can be good as it gives people freedom to comment as little or like as little or as much as they want. On Instagram just only follow a few people who I’m in almost constant interaction with in some way. For me, unless I want to follow a lot of people and lose track of who I’m following (to some extent) I have to draw the line somewhere… There are rare exceptions (people who don’t follow me back or like much and etc. – often people who’s accounts I admire and specialize in something like antiques, jewelry, old film, or are at least somewhat famous) but that’s basically how I run that account. Really, if we’ve talked and I unfollow you it’s likely because you seemed to have lost interest over time… Truly. I may have or do count you as an acquaintance but you’re likely not someone I would count as a real friend although I don’t wish you harm. I would hope you feel the same…

One more edit: I think there’s a huge difference between seeing what people are passively aggressively doing, openly doing, and/or etc. to being unkind or to provoke one and having boundaries in self defense in place because of that and taking things too personally.

Subtleties

I certainly have already upset some people with my posts in the past.  And I’m a bit bored right at this moment so…I think I’m going to just go for it.  It’s fascinating to me.

I’m going to give my impression of indicators of class.  I’ll likely avoid the most offensive things I could say (not in spite but in brutal honesty) to not garner too much hate since while I did close the comments on this blog my Instagram is still vulnerable to ugly messages or comments.

Yay!

When people talk about social class cues I think they often come up with three things: cars, homes, and clothing (including accessories).  But I think that’s because a lot people having that discussion are middle class and those are very middle class ways of indicating your social standing.

I don’t think clothing or cars (and to some degree housing) are clear indicators of anything other than whether or not you’re dirt poor.

There.  I’m sure I just pissed someone off by saying that…  Ha!  Oh well.  I’m not trying to.  I just really don’t think they are…

See…if you save or buy on credit you can have almost anything in regard to clothes and cars unless you’re truly poor.  One Rolex or a Tiffany and Co. engagement ring with a nice sized diamond is doable by the working class if they go into debt or save for long enough. And you can have a decent, somewhat “expensive” and at least fairly new wardrobe and only be lower middle class. Etc. Etc.

Perhaps having many luxurious clothing items, more than one luxury car or a combination of enough of both might mean you’re more likely to be at least middle middle class (and too far in debt for it to be wise most often if you are just middle middle class). Or you’re brilliant at finding good deals or you know how to budget and save and you only splurge on cars and clothes. But bargain hunting and splurging occasionally aren’t indicators of class necessarily either…. Or you’re upper middle class, well off and enjoy either showing others your affluence or using luxury goods.   Or you are wealthy but newly wealthy and don’t realize how quickly money goes…. Or you’re wealthy and don’t care how quickly money goes and are at least a tiny bit of a hedonist? …But…truly… it takes a lot of nice clothes and definitely more than one really nice car to mean you’re even rich or well-off…much less wealthy, in my opinion. And frankly buying an excessive amount of expensive things is suspect when it comes to class because while that might mean you have more money it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re well-bred or grounded enough to keep your wealth long enough to be truly upper class. Indeed, general overspending really does indicate a lack of sophistication in my opinion.   Or it means you have an addiction…   Or it can often mean you’re insecure about your status and trying to seem wealthy or more wealthy.  And truly, blowing away all or almost all of your millions in a few decades or less is not particularly upper class regardless of how many millions you had. At all.

Also, I guess…basically…there are so many truly upper middle class or upper class people who are frugal (to the point of absurdity at times) that clothing and cars (often two terrible ways to spend money if you look at it objectively) are not good indicators of class.  And, again, there are soo many people trying to seem wealthy who aren’t, (although they often fool their social equals, those who are naturally a bit naive, and those beneath them), who overspend so much on cars and clothes that it further clouds those indicators.   Clothing, cars (and housing) are just not useful ways to measure someone’s class…

That being said, the way you wear your clothes matters.  The way you wear your hair means something…   The style you wear or how stylish you are indicates something, at least. It might just mean that you’re efficient or artistic though, if you dress well…

And, to clarify, when it comes to housing it’s the quality that matters (if it even works all that much as a definite indicator). Quantity matters to some degree but…quality (and I don’t just mean size) is a much better cue. And while many people think home ownership is a good indicator I don’t think it’s all that accurate. However, not being able to buy a home does tend to rule you out of being as socially high as at least the middle middle class depending on where you want to live. For example, let’s say the median home price in the US is $188,000 (that’s fairly accurate as I write this) and let’s say you can afford that but you can’t afford a house that’s $600,000 and homes are almost all around $600,000 where you live. You might be middle middle class in that case, easily, and just live in a well off area (home ownership is not the best indicator given regional differences).

BUT here are two living examples of people who further explain what I mean and where I’m going with this:

I know a woman in her 70’s who has had a long mink coat for decades that’s in impeccable condition (she likely purchased it new).  And she uses it to go the opera with her husband and has for a long time.  Or she might wear it to the ballet…  Both she and her husband have season tickets to the local opera, ballet, and etc.  They travel around the world elegantly every year and have for many years.  They donate money and time. They own a nice house. They likely have a net worth that’s at least in the millions if not tens of millions of dollars and they invest very wisely.  She came from a wealthy, well educated and fairly sophisticated immediate family. Both she and her husband are well educated, highly intelligent, forward-thinking (despite her lovely mink 😂☺️), have lots of life experience and are both politically and socially very well connected. They have one daughter who is well educated, brilliant, financially well off (or wealthy), sophisticated and extremely well traveled. They’re also in various clubs and etc. To put it bluntly, they are upper middle class at least.  And actually, they are more than likely, upper class.  But…she has never made a “big deal” about her mink.  She doesn’t make a “big deal” about anything she wears or owns. Although she does have pride and so does her husband. They are also quite frugal… However, what she does wear she wears neatly, carefully, and her tastes are lovely and unassuming.

I knew another woman who worked very hard and had three kids. She was a pre-school teacher. Her husband didn’t work much or at all. They hadn’t gone to college. They lived in an apartment that was fairly decent. BUT her husband spent money they didn’t have on decorations for their apartment, video games, and other unnecessary things so frequently that they had to often borrow money from friends, co-workers and neighbors to pay for food. Then…one day…she announced that she and her husband had gone out and bought a brand new car (they didn’t need). She was a little bit conceited about it and certainly oblivious to how offensive it was to those she had relied on for money for food. Another day she bought a new handbag she just “had to buy” (although it was a gift for someone). They also took a vacation to Hawaii around this time… You might not have guessed it from looking at her, hearing her chatting about visiting Hawaii, or meeting her casually (based on her clothes, or car, etc. per se) but she was poor… She truly couldn’t even afford toilet paper after her financial expenses. Although, she did lack a certain comfortability or natural, unaffected ease with what she wore and with what she owned.

What does indicate class – what does hint at your actual (honest) assets (physical and non physical), in my opinion, are: 1. Your particular perspective on anything and everything, 2. How insecure you are, or how ashamed or honest you are about certain things and what you’re insecure, ashamed or dishonest about (that’s closely related to perspective – sorry), and 3. How comfortable you are in various situations and how you present yourself… I guess, really, to summarize, one’s perspective and all the variations on that are reliable indicators to me of class. And it’s often very subtle.

Now

This blog is about to become a mess, at least in my mind.  But it already is a bit of a meandering, at times poorly worded and rambling mess, I guess, so what’s the difference?  I know I’m a decent writer to a point but goodness I don’t edit well enough (in my opinion) and when I’m flustered, stressed-out or angry I make embarrassing typos and suddenly and mysteriously “forget” which version of their\they’re\there to use.

But you see, I’ve changed my mind and realized a thing or two in the last few weeks.  First, I’m an intj and infj in equal measure.  For years I’ve been operating under the idea that I was just putting on the “thinking” to be strong for myself and that I am really a pure infj at my core. However, I think I just am an intj at least in equal measure to an infj, if not more so. And it’s been awful actually.  Most of the misunderstandings I’ve experienced in life with otherwise decent people have stemmed from them taking something I said or did and not realizing the well-intentioned aspect of the seeming coldness, condescension, cutting edge or distance.  Actually, it’s a bit like using the wrong form of the word their.  They read it, “Their is the ugly house.” (please read with a tone of disdain) when it’s actually, “There is the ugly house.”  (read with a tone of some unassuming detachment but interest).  I’m coldly calling a house ugly because it is.  I’m not trying to be hurtful.  At all.   But they inherently read that “their” as being the right form for some reason that still escapes me (but has always intrigued me) and start thinking that a.  I’m an idiot who can’t form a proper sentence to save my life and, b. that I’m a jerk who is looking down on some poor fool for their best attempt at home ownership.  It’s been heartbreaking my whole life to be slapped in the face with people’s misunderstanding.  And of course, it’s been equally heartbreaking to project my good intentions on other people only to later see their ill-intent to hurt me in some subtle way that doesn’t come naturally to me. I’ve had to force myself to look at their words and actions in painful detail and dissect what the hell they actually meant when I gave them a million benefits-of-the-doubt and thought they were just being objective.

Basically, things have to make sense to me.  I long to understand.  And things usually do make sense eventually.  Or I ruminate for as long as it takes to figure “it” out.

But I still do think western society is crumbling and I still do think people are more hostile recently (last five years or so) than they have been in the last twenty to thirty years at least.  And I still will hesitate to open up on this blog in such a way that I can be easily hurt again.

Yet, I’ve realized I need to talk.  I need to explain.  I need to deal with why I thought I should give up on being so open.  Give up on it entirely.  And in order to explain I have to make a “personal post” on this blog.  So I’m going back on what I wrote earlier about never doing that again, and therefore I’m also making something slightly confusing to untangle unless you read every post in the order it was posted.  Oh well.

OK.  Here goes.  I’ll start with basics.

In my estimation there are two factors that make up your social class.  One is your material assets and the other is your non-material assets.  The non-material assets are where people get the most confused in the US.  Although I think people are extremely confused about class in general.

Let’s start from the top of the heap in regard to material assets (I’m using dollars to explain): I don’t think it’s accurate to say that anyone but those with at least a definite two to three million dollars (net) are wealthy.  But that’s the entry-level of wealth.  And it works a bit like the middle-class (again, at least in my estimation).  Those with that lower level of wealth are the “lower middle-class” of the wealthy set.  Once you have perhaps 25 to 100 million you are more solidly “middle-class” in your wealth.  Anything above a 100 million makes you very wealthy.  And the rare super wealthy are the billionaires.

Anyone with a net worth below two to three million but above about one million is rich but not wealthy.  Anyone with a net worth below about a million dollars but above about $200,000 is well-off depending on age.  People in their late 40’s and older with only $200,000 net are not well-off if they plan to retire before they’re likely too old to enjoy it (assuming they’re working).

If you have less than $200,000 in your net worth and you’re young or in reasonably good health with some source of income that can sustain you and possibly cause you to have a lot more money if you don’t make too many foolish financial decisions then you’re “doing ok” and are potentially somewhat stable but you’re not well-off.   Furthermore, anyone with less than $50,000 or so in net worth is in danger and if they don’t have a good source of income or are in bad health they may become poor or already are.  Less than a stable income (with an equally unfortunate net worth) and you’re clearly poor.

That’s harsh but, I think, fairly accurate.  And the funny thing is if people looked at it that coldly we’d all be a lot more depressed about how in debt and lacking in long-term “financial health” most of us are.  It’s also easy to think that if you have debt but also have “assets” like a nice house or car that you’re better off financially than you are.  But truly, I think, you have to weigh how much you can actually make from those assets against that debt.  Otherwise it’s just financially dangerous self-deception that leads you think that you have more material resources than you actually do.

Most people are not wealthy.  Few people are rich.  Only a fair amount are truly well-off and a lot of people are struggling in some way financially.

(This is going to be a long post.  There’s a reason I avoided this but I now realize it was necessary.)

Now, non-material assets are tricky.  Those include complicated things like your family history, education level, where you grew-up, what you’ve been exposed to otherwise and the like.  I would generally say that family history gets top billing followed very closely by education level.  Coming in third is where you grew-up.  And the wild-card that can almost make-up for everything with the exception of family history is what you’ve been exposed to in life.

It’s fairly simple if you’re objective about it.  Obviously if you come from a family that has been collecting non-material and material status positively for generations you have a higher social status.  If your family of origin wasn’t middle class but working class it affects you your whole life.  You can be a billionaire but you’ll never be the social equal (objectively and truthfully speaking) of someone who’s family was solidly middle-class (or higher obviously) and who is your equal otherwise.  It’s sad if you want to be “top dog” and come from a poorer family background but that’s where one has to be deep enough not to let your social status determine your overall self-worth.  Also, there are many people with that background who have done amazing things out of that insecurity because they’re trying to prove something about the intrinsic value of their soul.  If they do it humbly, brilliantly and kindly enough it can be world changing in a great way.

And by what you’re exposed to I mean acquiring “life knowledge” and sophistication (still vague sorry).   Just watch the 1954 version of “Sabrina” and you’ll see what I mean.  Audrey Hepburn’s character goes to Paris and accumulates a wealth of understanding and “worldliness” and becomes quite the impressive lady in her own right.  She can’t make up for her family history, lack of material assets, and almost can’t make up for her education level (one can assume she hasn’t been educated beyond high school).  But she’s so “cultured” and yet has the good taste, wisdom and perspective to be careful (along with an incredible amount of natural beauty) that she genuinely turns the heads of the upper-class.  And then she “marries in” and while she isn’t truly “one of them” in the way she would have been had she been born into it, she comes as close as you can.  And it’s not the same thing for women or men who are “self-made” with her background but don’t “marry in.”  You have to “marry in” (and permanently keep that association) or let your descendants “join” the solid upper-class in every way when they establish your family in the years to come if you’re “self made.”

And this finally brings me to class.  I believe there’s (from bottom to top): poor, working-class, middle class (subdivided into lower, middle and upper), and finally upper-class (subdivided into lower, middle and upper).   It’s really a rough sort of scale.  Again, obviously, the more non-material assets and more material assets you have the higher your status.  With the caveat that some people come from such “old families” in some way that regardless of their current material assets they still cling to a higher social status than they would otherwise.  And, as I alluded to before, there are some people who don’t “marry in” to a higher status and are lacking in the non-material assets, especially family background, enough that regardless of material assets they are lower on the scale to the point that they might have only a weak standing in the upper class (even if their material assets rank them higher).

Now, when I talk about family background and its importance I do so because in that is included vast depths that are basically almost impossible to describe in one post.  It’s that profound.  It’s that stuck in stone.  And it seemingly always has been in one way or another.  Family of origin really is important in every conceivable way as a human.

And while education is important as a non material asset and is incredibly complex too (for example) it still doesn’t equal a human family in its impact (in any regard).  It just can’t.  Same for the other forms of non-material assets.

SO, all that to explain a bit of where I was coming from in my previous posts.  And I could go on and on and on and refine my assessment of the terrain I just covered to make it more clear and airtight but I don’t think I will right now.

But let me explain more.

See, I have had a very confusing life in some ways.  And as an intj that is very difficult.  And in the last six to seven years (slightly longer) or so I’ve had to totally reevaluate things about my family and self in regard to social status in light of new information that was kept quiet, hidden or misunderstood.  Or people misinformed me intentionally (although not consciously most likely) out of naivete or some genuine goodness stemming from a very lovely and kind view of the world in certain ways.   But regardless of what happened it’s been very disorientating and embarrassing.  Embarrassing because I’ve had to go into the hostile terrain of class and be willing to make an accidental ass of myself with my lack of clarity.  Embarrassing because I take things apart slowly to get them right but am often in situations where I’m expected to already “know what’s going on” or hurt someone or possibly get hurt myself.

Anyway, this has been a personal issue I’ve been tinkering with and ironing out intensely and it’s been on my mind consciously or subconsciously.  At the same time, that’s not to say that it’s an obsession.  I just ponder things (and not just this) a lot.  I’m an introvert (and thinker).  And what I’m thinking about will eventually emerge in discussion.

AND when I started blogging about perfume and posting on Instagram and found a world of other people who love olfactory beauty and analyzing that beauty as a way to appreciate, protect and have pure joy in it I was delighted.  These people were almost like magic.  I was thrilled they existed.  But then, I found the downside.  And really, it hasn’t been particularly bad for years.  But then slowly and surely people started becoming more filled with deceptive hostility.  They became more competitive.  And more often than was at all pleasant, every aspect of my being became objects of scorn, jealousy or bitter and at times almost violent envy to the point that it became intolerable.  This beautiful space had shown its true nature; like a friend who finally reveals their flaws when they finally feel safe.  It was jarring and painful.  And mostly because I really needed that safe place intellectually and emotionally.  We all do.  I loved how insulated the community was from so many awful things that seemingly are hurdles in communication, creating closeness or experiencing joy in a lot of human interactions otherwise.  But then I found out the weakness.

People who collect things sometimes (definitely not always) come with prickly and hurtful edges in regard to class.  It just makes sense… And given my own inner ongoing discussion I found the need to confront the ensuing irritations. And being an intj I wanted to experiment and see what would happen if I shared a few of my new found truths about who I am with the ugly side of things.  I wanted to see if the bitterness would respond with more bitterness or if people would acknowledge the seeming pointlessness of the misdirected hostility.  I wanted to test the waters.  And I was angry because I hate inaccuracy.  And I hate dishonesty because it makes getting to the right answer so much more difficult.  (equal parts infj and intj) When people are pretentious (the actual definition of the word), ignorant (truly ignorant) or manipulative (i.e. pretend that you’re the problem when they are) I innately become angry.

I am not a pretentious or dishonest person.  I am wrong sometimes and I make mistakes but I’m quite genuine.  It’s partly just my natural tendency.

Anyway…I learned from my misadventures that you can’t confront people about class.   At least not right now.  They will almost always take something the wrong way and then it’s all ruined and for no good end.  Also, I’ve learned that I have to be strong enough to possibly offend people or accidentally encourage their hatred of me with my social status and my lack of tolerance for cattiness and manipulation.

I’m not sure if I’ll write again on a personal level, but I needed to post this.