I can’t figure some people out. Go figure. It’s not like people are all very complicated and unique or something. (Note sarcasm)
Anyway, I’m tired of being misunderstood too. Very misunderstood… And, of course, it’s not like this is an original feeling either. *sigh*
I’m pragmatic and analytical with a lot of feelings I keep very much in the back room of my soul. I’m oddly not particularly typically “American” for some reason (even though I was raised here). And that combination, with a strong natural reserve and a dry sense of humor (also slightly slapstick) added, confuses people… I think.
And I’m good, I suppose. I am a Christian. I’m moral… But I do do occasionally shocking things according to some folks, I guess. And I’m usually almost too honest. Furthermore, I offend people’s egos almost daily. I’m bad at faking self-hatred.
And then… there’s… Prince Charming. That’s what I’m going to call him. And I’m sure if he reads this (he might) that he could find that name totally annoying. And maybe that’s why I just picked it… I kind of want to annoy him because he seems just a bit too oblivious to how much and how deeply he affects me. And I know that name will affect him (not entirely positively).
He seems to think I’m not “smitten enough” with him or that my feelings aren’t authentic. For added difficulty, some people close to him seem to have encouraged this view.
But I do care about him as much as is sane, which is basically a whole hell of a lot. I’m just not obvious, crass or pushy about it. I don’t openly swoon and draw cute little hearts on the letter i or smile with my teeth and giggle.
When I’ve tried to do the “sexy girl who likes you” in the past to make my feelings clearer to romantic interests no one ever seems to think I actually mean it. So what’s the point? And afterwards I hate myself much too much to continue with that parade of silliness. But apparently if I don’t act cutesy and over-the-top in a saccharine, girly way I’m not feminine enough for him? Or I’m too cold? Too… complicated?
My “Tom” or a.k.a Prince Charming… The man who currently entertains my affections… doesn’t stand much of a chance for too much longer at all. That is, he doesn’t have a chance unless if he becomes beautifully stubborn and sincere in his feelings and intentions toward me. He needs to outsmart it all… If he doesn’t the prognosis for our romance isn’t good. Not at all.
And really, I think this is the most odd time of my life. Truly.
For one thing, the ethics of the situation are mind twisting. I have a husband (Mark) in an eerie, technical and yet strangely genuine way who understands our separation but insists on not calling it that necessarily until its finalized and frankly Mark will have hope for our reunion until I remarry someone else… He did the opposite maneuvering, of course, when we were first dating. He refused to call us a couple for a very long time… Ha!
I think, really though that Mark is astronomically stubborn. And frankly it’s no coincidence in any way that I married him years ago despite our differences. He can be so subtle and subversive it’s amazing… And he often claims (with all seeming sincerity) that he didn’t know what real romantic love was (or love in general) until we met. I tend to believe him… Sort of.
But I still maintain that Mark could find someone to love more than he loves or could love me… eventually. I also claim that I’ll love him as a human forever, regardless. I adore his soul in a way that both transcends and near-misses romance. We will too… We’ll always be friends. We’re good for each other in some way, even if it’s platonic. We give each other a sort of safe place emotionally… We’re allies.
And you can’t redo people. Again, we’re all profoundly original. There’s only one soul and spirit that is my Mark. There’s only one of me. Some people might be similar but nobody is ever anyone but themselves. Ever. And why is that a bad thing? Of course it never is. We all should know this… Right?
I just wish Prince Charming would see that I don’t want anything but beauty. And his teeth… His chin. His… voice. They’re the only things about him as a sort of… persona… that aren’t basically perfect. Truly.
He seems in need of a sort of… perfection. At least in my eyes. And I, on the other hand, passionately want beauty.
My first serious boyfriend had large front teeth and a rather cocky sense of humor. He fashioned himself after that character on “How I Met Your Mother” who told everyone to, “suit up!” Now my first serious boyfriend, with his large front teeth (he referenced them more than once), was definitely not a good match for me. I loved him slightly but definitely not enough… and he didn’t love me at all (he literally told me he was simply incapable of it). And, that young man’s “flaws” were truly… awkward. But that was because the beauty we had and were able to have between us was minuscule.
Sorry if this is becoming cheesy…
Prince Charming, however, is very manly. He’s not a little boy who needs to play dress-up with his dad’s suits. He’s brilliant… Eloquent. Quick minded and clever. Fervent and aware. Extremely handsome. Dashing really…
But I don’t mend fences that refuse to be fences. If the wind blows too hard I just plant trees and let the roots sink in. And furthermore I don’t let people give me hell when I don’t deserve it. So… basically I refuse to break his heart and go too far emotionally because either a. I’ll just break my own more severely for no good end or b. he’ll never understand how I see him. Anyway, what’s the use in trying particularly hard with him? This paragraph might only make sense to me… Possibly. My posts have been a bit crappy and filled with shitty mistakes lately.
He’s truly gorgeous though. I don’t know what else to say about it.