Being Gay

According to Kids Who Care…Lem was not unusual. All homosexuals are fake.

All homosexuals are probably just people who were turned gay through sexual abuse.

So…in their minds…all that gay stuff…is…contrived. All the supposedly authentic love stories are based on sexual abuse permanently altering kids minds. It’s not real. They’re all mostly just insane people.

And yet…those love stories should still be celebrated. Taken as just as valid as heterosexual couples.

Because sex isn’t about love? Sex is bullshit?

A man could claim to be “in love” with a literal atomic bomb. And to their logic a book should be written about said love story and never questioned if The Kids Who Care get sexually or otherwise emotionally attached to it.

David the Pitts should write a book entitled, Kevin Verele and MR2150. A cover with an atomic bomb and Kev smiling. And if the bomb for reasons alluding Kevin Verele was aimed at him he’d…well…lose himself.

He’d look at the bomb and say, “Hey! I’m not that kind of boy!” and start shaking his ass hoping to experience with…science.

“I don’t usually like to be blown-up. But ah…”. He blows smoke out of his mouth and smirks. “MR. wanted to blow me.” He laughs. His eyes fade off into the distance. He sighs. It’s all so…overwhelming…to be in love.

“What is it about me that MR. likes?” asks Jack.

“Oh! Oops! That was a slip.” says Jackie.

“No. It wasn’t.” says Lacey.

Because who is Kevin Verele? Jack. And who is MR2150? Lem.

“Excuse me! I’m in love.” says Kevin.

“Love wins!!” they say.

“How does that atomic bomb love your body back?” asks Lacey of Kevin Verele.

“He’s very cold. I have to realize he’s just like a frigid bitch.” says Kevin. “But he’s fast. And so am I!”

“Do you and Kevin wear matching swim trunks?” asks a perfume hater of Kevin.

“No. That’s not quite possible. But we would if we could. I have, however, carved my name into the metal.” He looks lurid.

“Oh wow, Kevin.” says a perfume hater.

Everyone sighs in chorus to admire the love between Kevin and MR2150. *sigh*

“But my husband and I have been in love for dozens of years.” says a flustered gay man.

“Not like MR2150 and I!” yells Kevin.

“Kevin you should ask the gay man lots of questions.” says The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“I’m Kevin Verele!” Kevin says to the gay man.

“I don’t care!” says the gay man.

“Who are you?” Kevin asks crying.

“Go away!” says the gay man to Kevin Verele.

“Were you molested?” Kevin asks the gay man.

“Umm. No. Were you?” the gay man asks Kevin.

Kevin Verele thinks. “I doubt it?”

Silence.

Silence.

*sigh*

“Okay. This is getting too stupid.” says Michael. “Kevin are you attracted to men?”

“That’s-that’s-“ he shrugs.

“That’s wrong?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” says Kevin.

“Then why is okay to be in love with MR.?” asks another gay man.

“Because he’s so tough.” says Kevin with stars in his eyes.

“Do you ever wonder if MR. gets bored?” asks Michael.

“We have fights like any other couple. But when he’s sad I try to comfort him. And when I’m sad he’s my rock.” says Kevin.

“But what would happen if you ever…even once…ignited MR2150 and dropped him on a country?” asks a dead Queen of Kevin.

“He’s…not going to do that.” he says smiling.

“Why is that?” asks Lacey.

Kevin looks enraged. Then Kevin looks sad. “He gets so upset when I’m walking around any other kind of metal.”

“How do you know he’s sad or angry? Do you understand him? Ask him questions?” asks a gay man of Kevin.

“I’m not stupid!” Kevin responds indignantly.

“Do you ever worry that MR. could explode?” asks the gay man of Kevin.

Kevin looks not okay. He’s upset. “Do you?”

The gay man smiles. “MR2150 is a bomb Kevin.”

“But he’s so handsome.” says Kevin, thoughtfully.

Silence.

Moments later.

“I’m not gay!” says Kevin furtively.

“That sounds like a lie.” says Lacey.

Kevin glares at Lacey.

“Look, MR2150 is a bomb not a gay man.” says Lacey.

“No!!!!” yells Kevin, half dressed in silk boxer shorts after a night in with a man named… He races wildly after MR2150.

“MR.” he says desperately. People staring as he makes a fool of himself in public.

“Kevin! Go for love! Love wins!” yells a convoluted gay man cheering on “their” love.

“I mean, it’s like…it’s obvious. A man or a bomb?” says a street-smart lesbian.

A gay man sighs. “Oh no. Kevin thinks the bomb is a gay man.”

“The bomb isn’t a gay man.” says the lesbian confused.

“I know. But okay…like…Kevin thinks the bomb is.” says the gay man.

“Why?” asks the lesbian.

“Because he’s gay.” says the gay man.

And as they try to sort out reality Kevin still runs. He races.

He jumps.

Kevin jumps…for love.

Because love…and only love…out of context…separated from its origin…wins according to some.

“Damn Kevin!” says a perfume hater to cheer him on. “Damn boy! You in love!”

“What can I say? It was a love story.” says Vinny. He shrugs.

“We Own The Sky” by M83 plays.

“What happens next?” asks a Millennial woman, thoughtfully.

“A Civil War starts in people’s brains. Because Kev gotta have his way with MR2150.” says Vinny.

“Why?” asks the Millennial woman.

“Because Kevin is our friend. And we are the people who rule the world not you sheeple.” says Mr. Blue.

So as the ignited MR2150 ignited races toward Kevin’s uncle who’s playing golf Kevin grins. Kevin looks forward to finally making love with MR2150 like he’s never been able to figure out how to get it done before. He’s going to betray the man who he attempted to make love with the night before because bombs are cooler. And…

“We own that bomb.” said Kevin’s best friend.

“How do you own a bomb?” a gay man asks of Kevin’s family.

The refuse to answer. They’re far too upper-class they claim. Too busy to bother with such trifling nonsense.

“Far too busy to survive?” asks the gay man.

“Apparently?” says Lem.

“Lem…what happens when the bomb explodes?” asks another Millennial stupidly.

“Look it up online.” says Lem. “Right? Except you have to know how to process information accurately first for that to be effective.”

“Hmm. Okay. Yeah. Like not assuming Wikipedia has your orientation correct if you’re a Liberal. Or not assuming you have hydroxychloroquine safely figured out if you’re a Republican?” asks a Gen Xer of Lem.

“I would never take hydroxychloroquine for anything but a toothache in Hell. Would you, dahling!?” says Lem sarcastically in response to the Gen Xer.

“She’s a bitch!” says a man in a big white office. “I hate MR2150.”

“Wait! So you’ve had run ins with MR2150 too?” asks the gay man of the man in the white office.

“Are you Kevin’s uncle?” asks a gay man of the man in white office.

“I just ended my golf game. I need to get some work done. Why are you asking?” the man in the big white office wonders.

“Because Kevin, your nephew, is bringing over a friend.” says the gay man over the phone.

“I’m too busy!” says the man in the white office.

“I don’t think Kevin and MR. care.” says the gay man sadly. Secretly humorously.

Kevin’s uncle scoffs. “Who are you?”

“I’m Kevin’s boyfriend’s best friend.” says the gay man.

“My nephew is gay?!” he asks, acting repulsed.

“Maybe I’ve slept with him too!” says the gay man.

“What do you want?” asks the man in the white office.

“I want help. Kevin needs help.” the gay man says.

“With what?” asks Colin Powell, grabbing the phone.

“Who are you?!” asks the gay man.

“What help do you need?” asks Colin Powell.

“There’s an ignited atomic bomb headed toward you with Kevin Verele chasing it.” says the gay man.

“Oh I see. We’re tracking that.” says Colin Powell.

The gay man smiles. “When did you start tracking it?” he asks, breaking into tears.

“For over an hour. Hey! Are you scared?” asks Colin Powell.

“Not really anymore. But what-“

The line to the big office goes dead.

The gay man calls Kevin’s boyfriend.

“They’re going through so much right now. Do you think maybe you should go to Kevin’s uncle’s house and try to calm him down?” the gay man asks Kevin’s boyfriend.

“Where I End and You Begin” by Radiohead plays.

Kevin is pulled off the street running with bare feet. Cold. Almost hypothermic.

Kevin cries. Kevin weeps. Kevin gets caught.

“Kevin!”

They warm Kevin with a wool blanket and hot tea in a car. Kevin shakes. Almost convulses.

“He’s not necessarily okay. But pray.” Kevin’s boyfriend says to the gay man over the phone.

“Okay.” says the gay man. He sighs.

Kevin’s uncle is a very busy man. He’s shuffling papers.

“What’s that about?” he asks Colin Powell.

“We are currently watching a missile fly in orbit around the earth.” says Colin Powell.

Kevin’s uncle blinks. He thinks.

“So are you bringing me toast or tea this morning on my silver tray?” Kevin’s uncle asks.

“Me?” asks Colin Powell.

“Whatever, you butch lesbian.” says the uncle in the big white office to Colin Powell.

“You like your milk shaken in the mug with a spoon right sweetheart?” says Colin Powell, acting.

Kevin’s uncle relaxes. Finally! Someone is getting things back to normal.

“I have a headache, Gloria!” he says sincerely to Colin Powell.

“Okay! Sweetie, when the man with the cameras for your closeup comes later make sure you smile. I know it’s been a bad day not a good day.” says Colin Powell.

“Gloria, I hate your body. Why do you look like Colin Powell?” asks Kevin’s uncle.

“Put on your glasses, babe.” says Colin Powell.

“Babe?” he asks indignantly. “I’m not leaving my wife!”

“Yeah, I know.” says Colin Powell feigning sad hurt pride. Hurt feelings too.

“I’m in love with you, Gloria!” says Kevin’s uncle.

Colin Powell turns off the overhead light. It’s jarring to Kevin’s uncle’s eyes. Colin Powell walks down the hallway of the Oval Office.

When the room is dark he rests a pillow made of lavender and silk over his eyes. He inhaled and exhales.

“It’s such a nice day.” he says to his wife.

He sighs.

“I’m never leaving you for Gloria.” he says fervently.

“Why is that?” she asks.

“Hamlet.” he says.

“Have you read Hamlet?” she asks.

“I bet you have.” he says.

“Someday.” she says.

“Be careful. And pray.” says Lacey.

“I agree with Lacey. About Hamlet.” says Colin Powell.

“I’m off.” says Lacey.

The imaginary Gloria smiles.

“We work all day.” the Imaginary Gloria says.

“You do have nights off?” she asks.

“When we have to.” says Ron.

“That must be exhausting?” she asks concerned.

“Did my dead father who raised me decide to try to finally kill me me from the afterlife back in 2015?” asks Lacey.

Silence.

“How are they allowed to do that?” asks Lacey of God in frustration.

“Because Lem made you orgasm?” wonders a Charismatic Christian.

“Or maybe you should stop trying to suck Jesus off.” she suggests.

Dominik Argento fervently agrees with Lacey.

“Who’s Dominik Argento?” asks Mr. Blue.

“He’s possibly one of my father’s friends. But he certainly isn’t Gloria. Or Hamlet or Jamlet.” says Lacey.

“Where’s Gloria?” asks Joe.

“I don’t know. But she seems happy not gay. But happy?” says Lacey.

Gay Men

As the CIA interrogates Lacey Michael let’s Satan laugh for him.

A narcissistic gay man threatens Lacey by channeling Lem. Or pretending to.

He’s a narcissistic gay prick in the CIA.

“I’m channeling Lem.” he says to try to explain Lem’s sexuality to a woman who’s literally had orgasms from his ghost. In her vagina.

“That’s a demon!” the gay man says.

“No. She’s a tranny.” says a mean girl in his head.

“You’re not trans are you?” asks the gay man.

“No.” says Lacey. “I’m a straight cis woman.”

“So it’s extremely unlikely to you that that’s a demon?” he asks Lacey.

“It’s unlikely.” she says. “I can’t guarantee it just like I can’t guarantee that God exists. But it’s unlikely to be anyone but him.”

“So you’re not going to be able to guarantee it. But you have checked and it’s him?” he asks.

“As much as one can be sure it’s anyone when it’s a ghost.” says Lacey.

“He made you oragasm.” says a straight dude in the CIA.

“Aren’t you guys supposed to be associated with witches?” asks Lacey confused.

“Yes. But that’s-“

“It’s just a reality?” asks Lacey, confused.

“So Lem is straight or bisexual now? Or…he was bisexual or straight?” asks Michael Rockefeller’s ghost shrugging.

“We really don’t want to accept that Red Faye might have described him as neutral for a reason.” says the gay man. Accidentally in code.

“I have a feeling he was just very intelligent and straight.” says Lacey.

“He acted gay and was molested.” suggests the gay CIA operative.

“That’s been my hypothesis for over a year based on what he told me and tells me.” says Lacey.

“So you two have been hooking up for over a year and you’re both in love?” asks a Millennial female operative.

Silence.

“So it was like a real orgasm?” she asks.

Silence.

“Why are you silent now?” asks Mr. Blue.

“The thing is…you seem to lack artistic and relational abilities.” says Lacey.

The Millennial woman gets fixated on the idea of the orgasm to her determent.

“I’ve grabbed her tits.” says Michael. “And she felt it.”

“Okay. So Lem slept with one woman.” says a gay man.

“And made her orgasm.” says a woman.

“CIA byotch!” says Vinny.

Meatloaf rocks out “I Appear Missing.”

Pete loves it.

“I love the CIA.” says Vinny. Vinny is dressed in 1980’s leisurewear finest. He’s jogging on a beach. Velour sweatshirt zipped down. “I feel like we’re developing a relationship.” he says to them.

“Ok. Vinny.” says Mr. Blue.

“You had a real orgasm?” the dude CIA operative asks Lacey.

“You want me to describe it?” asks Lem.

“Have you guys ever orgasmed?” asks Lacey.

“Not necessarily.” they each say independently.

“That’s great. So you have no idea what I’m talking about.” says Lacey.

“Don’t you lose control?” says the Millennial woman condescendingly.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Remember how I died?” asks Ivana. “They can move you.”

“Literally.” says Lacey.

“Why did your marriage to Lem fall apart?” asks a Charismatic Christian.

“Gay men attacking us.” says Lacey. Sadistically. Psychotically. And Liberals attached to the idea that Lem was gay.

“Why do you guys seem obsessed with Lem being gay?” asks Vinny, seriously.

“We can’t help it! He was gay.” says a gay man like he’s speaking the objective, impossible to be wrong, unequivocal, obvious truth.

“But he seems to be fake.” says a psychiatrist to the gay men.

“Okay! So he was smarter than JFK?” asks a gay man.

“Possibly.” says Lacey.

“So you guys found Lacey clinging to her faith in God…and just ripped her apart in your imagination for what reason?” asks the Charismatic Christian.

“Yeah. I wonder why too.” says Vinny.

“You don’t hate gay men. You just hate our evil?” asks a gay man?