Category Archives: Journal

(Some mature adult content may be in the following post.)

A person reading Lacey’s blog who knew her in high school: You cannot be like a Virgo.

I can’t believe it!

Lacey: No. I am.

The person: So…you’re…-

That…-

We don’t respect that you’re like this.

And that’s WEIRD.

Except…are you this person?

Lacey: It seems like it.

I’m very…mature-nubile. …Very Earthy. …Ladylike, really… And there’s a softness to me. A certain…dewy…beauty. But…I’m…difficult.

Not mean. Not rude. I’m actually a very caring person. But I’m…almost too sterile at times. If I’m not…careful.

The person: But it’s not inferior.

Lacey: No.

It’s very Scotia-like.

The person: You’re VERY gentle.

Lacey: Yes.

Of course.

But I can’t let people beat me to a bloody pulp.

The person: So you love clean. You love to clean?

Lacey: Yes.

The person: Why did you never do perfect work in school?

Lacey: I felt muddied.

Everything was…muddied.

I tried.

Sometimes I did okay.

The person: Why don’t I love you?

Lacey: I have no idea.

Actually, maybe you do.

The person: I’m jealous of you.

Lacey: Okay.

The person: Boring?

Lacey: Yeah.

I mean…that’s not good.

The person: Umm-

So you’re Kay Banks?

Lacey: Yes.

I go by Lacey. Legally it’s Karrie.

But my real name is Kay. I’m Kay Banks.

The person: I didn’t need to know all that.

Lacey: Yes. You did. Or I wouldn’t have said it.

The person: Okay fine. Be smarter than me!

Lacey: I’m not trying to be smarter than you.

I’m trying to actually TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!

CAN YOU UNDERSTAND CONCEPTS!?

The person: Not as well as you.

Lacey: GREAT.

I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

The person: Do you have any where I’m going with this conversation?

Lacey: HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW!?

The person: *Opens their mouth in awe.*

Oh.

Umm.

You’re straight.

So when men have sex with you…you genuinely put yourself in situations where that’s possible?

Lacey: Sort of.

The person: Okay!

Let’s say you’re in-

DAMMIT. I have no clue how to imagine what a woman…does. Women really are masculine now.

Lacey: Yeah.

It’s not quite like I put myself in a bad position. Or a good one?

It’s more like…-

The man draws me. He pulls me in. Like a gravitational pull.

The person: I had feelings for you.

I wonder if you had any clue at all.

Lacey: I may have wondered.

The person: You sound so British.

Lacey: You should really explain yourself more. What happened?

The person: I chickened out.

Lacey: *Laughs*

What’s chickening out?

The person: *Eyes get wide.*

I think…-

You were so pretty.

Lacey: You may still think that. If you saw me in person.

Go on.

The person: *Thinks*

I…found you depressing.

Lacey: Depressing how?

The person: You’re…so beautiful.

Lacey: And you’re not.

The person: *Laughs*

No, I’m not that bad looking.

Lacey: No. I have a feeling you aren’t that bad looking.

The person: Why didn’t we ever make-out?

Lacey: You didn’t try.

Did you?

The person: No.

*He laughs*

I didn’t.

Lacey: If you have to try to get a man to kiss you…it’s…totally worthless.

The person: Every time?

Lacey: For me, yes.

The person: So you assumed we were just genuine friends?

Lacey: Yes.

The person: Why did you think I stopped being your friend?

Lacey: Ha!

Boredom.

You’re a guy!

Why would a guy be interested in maintaining a friendship? I mean…he might?

The person: Yeah!

Lacey: Yeah!

You could…think of me occasionally? But…-

I just assumed you…had other things to do.

The person: So you weren’t offended?

Lacey: Are you Devin?

The person: Yeah…

Just go with that idea.

Whoever he is.

Lacey: *A moment later*

I had something to attend to.

Okay.

So you’re Devin.

You had feelings for me?

Devin: *He laughs.*

Yes.

I did!

Lacey: YOU LITERALLY TOLD ME YOU DIDN’T.

Didn’t you?

Devin: *Looks uncomfortable*

CRAP!

Lacey…it was the middle of the night. I was…a very hard-working person!

And I don’t remember.

What did you say?

Lacey: We were talking.

And I think…I came to the conclusion….that we should…date.

It just seemed like a good idea.

So I brought it up.

And then you said you needed to think about it.

So I gave you time to think about it.

And then you said that there wasn’t enough there between us.

You-

*She cracks up laughing*

You basically gave me the same speech as Joan gave Bob in Mad Men.

*She laughs*

Like…we could be together…but…you wanted real love.

The person: I SAID THAT!

Lacey: Yes. You did.

The person: Okay, well now I’m a successful man. And I would never say that.

Lacey: What are you talking about?

The person: *Cries*

You’re-

How seriously did I say that!?

Lacey: Why does it matter?

The person: Huh.

Because you’re supposed to read my mind.

Lacey: No. I’m not.

I can’t do that!

I was just being respectful of you.

The person: *He laughs*

Okay.

Lacey: *Waits*

The person: SERIOUSLY!?

Lacey: Were you testing me?

The person: YES!

*He looks angry*

Lacey: I didn’t understand the test.

The person: What test did you think you were taking!?

Lacey: *Thinks*

A Christian test.

I feel constantly tested in my Christianity. And that’s fine.

I was trying to be…respectful of you.

As…a sister in Christ.

The person: Ahh. WHAT!?

Lacey: It’s what I’m saying.

The person: You’re that direct!?

Lacey: How is that direct?

The person: Oh. It’s…clear.

You’re clear.

Lacey: I try to be.

The person:

Casi: Fuck him.

He’s-

Lacey: *Waits*

The person: You’re not…who I thought.

I used to go on and on and on about other young women with you. What did you think I was doing?

Lacey: What you were doing.

Telling me about the other women.

I thought you were confiding in me.

The person: Because I liked you?

Lacey: Not…really.

More…like…you liked them.

You did seem suspicious. I did sense there might be something between us. But…then you said there wasn’t.

The person: I said…”Not that I haven’t thought of it…”

Lacey: Yes!

*She nods*

Because you were a very thoughtful person.

The person: A VERY THOUGHTFUL PERSON!?

A VERY THOUGHTFUL PERSON!??

Lacey: Yes.

You seemed…thoughtful.

You had many thoughts.

Many.

The person: *Blinks*

You had many thoughts…

Lacey: See…when we were at college…you didn’t seem to understand that sex existed. …And then after college…you started to grasp the idea?

Where did you finally hear about it?

*Lacey expects him to flip out. So she goes to wash off a face mask she’s wearing.*

Are you still there?

The person: Yeah.

Lacey: So!

Where did you hear the good news?

Or is it even good news to you?

The person: I’m not SEXLESS.

Lacey: Oh really!?

The person: Did I offend you with that?

Lacey: Why were you so mean!?

The person: *Thinks*

Maybe I was mean to you.

Lacey: Do you think I enjoyed hearing about all of your passionate longings for other women?

The person: *Thinks*

You’re curvy?

Lacey: I think?

So! Do you think I enjoyed that!?

The person: I was-

I was being myself.

Lacey: Yes! That’s exactly what you’d say.

The person: So you really didn’t think I had feelings for you?

Lacey: I didn’t know.

I thought maybe.

The person: I was thinking you knew…I had a crush on you.

Lacey: You weren’t like that-

The person: I am honorable.

Lacey: Yeah!

I just took you at your word.

The person: I don’t-

Another guy from her college: I don’t?

*He laughs*

Okay.

I had a HUGE crush on you.

Did you actually understand that?

Lacey: Not necessarily.

*crickets chirping*

The person: You’re like a damsel in distress…

Lacey: Alright, yes.

The person: I didn’t even know you!

Lacey: But you found me physically attractive?

The person: Yes!

Lacey: I’m sure you had other women who you liked more?

The person: Hmm.

Yes.

Lacey: Right.

Yes!

So why…–

I’m shocked you never married.

The person: You’d never settle for second place?

The other guy: DUDE…WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE!?

You’re an abusive asshole. Aren’t you?

The person: No, I am not!

I’m really not.

You’re really sexy. *he says to Lacey*

*crickets chirping*

The person:

*crickets chirping*

Lacey: Well anyway.

Who was first place?

The person: Do I seem schizophrenic?

Lacey: No.

That’s not schizophrenia.

Are you trying to say-

I’m lost.

The person: I don’t think I have a crush on you anymore.

The other guy: WOAH NELLY.

So you mean that literally?

The person: No.

The Other guy: You smart? No.

Please try to be a man.

Please.

The person: I think I’m-

Lacey, I wanted you.

Badly.

Lacey: How badly did you want the other girl?

That sounds very passionate.

Putin: *Laughs*

How do you keep missing now hurtful you’re being!?

The CIA: He’s right.

Can you try to just explain yourself?

The person: But I’d-

Doesn’t that ruin things?

God: With her!? No.

Are you avoiding being physically aroused?

You could have gone into the Catholic priesthood. That would make more sense what it seems you’re doing.

*A bit later.*

The person: I’m in love with you.

The other girl was…a very nice person.

I’m not as impressed by her anymore.

Lacey: Do you read my posts? On Facebook?

The person: Yes.

Lem: Well TOO BAD.

Hey!

You wanna see how it’s done.

Lacey: I wonder if we should date Lem?

Lem: I need to think about it. Give me five minutes.

Lacey: Alright.

Lem: Then I make-out with her.

Why didn’t you just make-out if you wanted her?

The person: I didn’t want to be…-

I wanted…sex.

Then!

Lem: Why didn’t you make-out?

The person: I think I was trying to be holy.

Lem: Or did you not want it that badly?

Be honest.

The person: *Thinking*

I maybe didn’t.

Lem: Hey!

Are you going to write her?

Are you going to do anything with this revelation?

The person: No.

Lem: What is she supposed to even take from this!?

The person: Lem…you just…grab her and make-out?

Lem: Yeah.

What were you waiting for her to do?

The person: Kiss…me.

Lem: SHE kisses YOU!?

First!?

Elliott: *cracks up laughing*

The person: I know that’s not traditional. But…I was the lesser mortal.

Lem: SO WHAT!?

Look…that’s not real. I’m sorry.

She’s not even rejecting you! She never was!

She just…can’t. You’re actually being offensive.

It’s like…you’re asking her to do something…she PHYSICALLY can’t do.

God: She’s not abnormal.

The person: So all that talk about the man- Whatever she said? That’s not just nonsense?

Lem: No.

Not at all.

NOT AT ALL.

The person: Why did you “chicken out” with the prostitute?

Lem: Are you trying to be noble!?

The person: *Cries.*

Lem: You’re asking me a very personal question.

The person: Okay.

Lem: Are you scared to kiss her?

The person: Yes.

Lem: Bad sign.

I’m sure you want her…but…it’s not working.

I’m straight. I didn’t want to share a woman with Jack.

And…prostitution is gross. It’s like a public toilet. No offense to nice prostitutes! Truly.

The person: So you just…grab her…and run off?

Lem: YEAH.

*He smiles*

It’s AMAZING.

The other guy: You’re not being fake, Lem.

I can tell.

Umm…dude why?

Lem: *Looks disgusted with himself.*

The other guy: *Shakes his head and rolls his eyes.*

He was confused.

Lem: I can’t even- It’s too-

Rough week.

A woman who he had a crush on: Devin…why don’t you just tell her, “Hey! I wanted to just your bones.”?

Devin: Did we have something?

The woman: *Laughs*

Maybe.

Lacey: I think you did.

Devin…why didn’t you grab her?

The woman: I agree.

Devin: I didn’t want…to be…promiscuous.

Lacey: But you have to make it clear.

Nowadays people don’t know.

I’m not sure they EVER did.

Are you asexual?

Devin: No.

I should have just slept with you.

Lacey: SCANDALOUS!

*whistles*

And what would have happened if you did?

Literally?

After sex.

Devin: *He thinks*

We’d have…laid there…

Lacey: And done what?

Devin: I’d hold you.

Lacey: *Thinks*

Then-

Why didn’t you just do it?

I mean, it’s probably not the right interpretation of scripture.

Devin: Are we married?

Lacey: That’s the thing.

Answer what I’m asking.

Devin: I didn’t want to hold you.

Lacey: Then how could you possibly have-

*She thinks*

Why would you have held me?

Devin: Because I’d want to.

Lacey: Why?

Devin: Because I-

My brain would-

I-

Because I-

I think-

*He thinks*

Lacey: You make no sense.

Devin: I’d want to…

Lacey: Are you sure?

Devin: Yes.

Lacey: Then why?

Devin: Because I’d change my mind. After fucking you.

I’m sure of it.

*He looks upset*

Lacey: Okay.

Then why-

Wait…you said you didn’t want to beforehand?

Devin: Yes.

Lacey: Huh!

So you’re physically…dense?

Your body is…deficient?

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? You’re not..okay? Your body isn’t communicating well with itself?

Casi: *Cracks up laughing*

Devin: Yes.

Lacey: Do you keep yourself from being aroused? Too much?

Devin: Yes.

Lacey: That’s sad.

Devin: Yeah!

Lacey: Why are you so mean to me!?

Devin: I don’t know. I’m just-

Lacey: It’s so strange!

Do you hate me?

Devin: No.

Lacey: You’re so mean!

I’m sorry.

Devin: I’m so confused right now.

Lacey: Theologically?

Devin: *Looks disturbed*

Yeah.

Lacey: Yeah!

You need to be honest.

It is important to be faithful. To be…chaste. To be…monogamous. But you can’t be…death. You can’t become death.

Devin: Become death?

Lacey: Well…let’s see…

You desperately fight off getting aroused. Determined.

*She laughs*

Absolutely determined.

…And then you…do what? Never get married?

Huh.

What happens when you die? And you have complete freedom in Christ? Do you…let yourself be…wild?

Devin: *He thinks*

*He freaks out*

Yes.

A guy in Minnesota: *Laughs at him*

Oh my! DEVIN HAD SEX!!!

*He cracks up laughing*

Devin: *Almost cries*

Lacey: So…maybe you’re not death.

If you can honestly say that you…will be able to have sex…in Heaven…then…-

*She shrugs*

I guess…you’re just waiting for Heaven?

Devin: No.

Lacey: THEN WHY HAVEN’T YOU HAD IT!?

Devin: *Thinks*

Well this-

*He laughs*

You think it’s that easy for me?

Lacey: YES!

*she claps her hands together in frustration*

Devin: Okay!

But I look like me!

Lacey: SO WHAT!?

You’re a man. You’re very intelligent.

Come on!!!

Why do men think it’s so difficult?

Devin: It’s not for you. I mean, you’re a heterosexual. But…-

Actually, why can’t you find love?

Lacey: Totally different!

Don’t.

You seem-

Listen, women are stupid.

Just like men.

And no, I’m not at all attracted to women. It’s just bloody obvious.

They want sex. But they’re meant to be pursued.

You grab them. You…write…poetry. It’s like math.

Devin: But they say no.

Lacey: REALLY!?

*She laughs*

They do get raped. Yes. But a decent man actually trying to have real sex!? How often, at least today, do they say no. To sex.

They say no to dates. But sex?

Devin: Hold on.

You’re suggesting I…get them in bed…trick them…and then they fall for me?

Lacey: It can go wrong. Yes. But…I wonder if it’s actually more effective than you think.

And I’m not saying you should do that. NO! I’m explaining my- I’m giving my observations.

You could…seduce them. And then…buy flowers- Woo them?

Yes, the success rate is only at 60%. But…it’s in your favor.

Don’t do it…but I’d say keep it in mind. Women…need…guidance.

Devin: Don’t do what?

Lacey: Don’t…necessarily, sleep with them.

But…woo them.

Devin: I do.

Lacey: You do!?!

Devin: Have you been concerned about me for a while?

Lacey: YES.

Devin: I’m unusual.

And I’m realizing that.

Lacey: Then there has to be a woman out there for you.

Devin: Here or in Heaven?

Lacey: Yes.

Go to bars in the 1960’s. To hit on women. And just…let yourself be…-

Devin: Manly.

Lacey: Difficult? Amused?

Devin: I just don’t want to give some girl the wrong idea.

Lacey: Yeah!

Back then? NOT LIKELY.

Devin: I like it.

Lacey: Good.

A handsome bisexual blond King of Something…from the 1700’s is helping Lacey today. And he’s MAD.

Why? Because…he’s her.

He was bullied back then for the same reasons she’s being bullied today.

He has an UGLY straight woman he was supposed to marry…and then he got in with a mostly straight dude…who was HOT…and threw the woman off. …But then he met his lovely wife. And he married her. And was very happy.

“Why are you making fun of Lacey?

Things have been manufactured to socially change in America…WAY too fast. And some people think it’s good…but…she genuinely has no idea what her neighbors and Casi are making fun of.

And yet, they can’t let it go or explain…because they demand that it be a longstanding issue. For reasons of their egos.

We don’t get.” he says.

The CIA: Where are you from?

The Blond male hottie from the late 1700’s: Germany.

I look Irish.

I actually get along with Irish men.

But I’m German.

I look like Dr. Moritz when he was young, and Prince Philip.

Lacey actually is competent. And VERY attractive.

Did people in the perfume community assume she wasn’t?

The CIA: Yes.

The blond hot king: Yeah. That’s unfortunately…bullshit.

She did make one or two mistakes…that were very heterosexual…but that’s all.

They weren’t indicative of her intelligence nor level of self efficacy…nor competence.

The CIA: Would you and Lacey like to cry together and have hot chocolate and confide in each other like actual friends…not lovers…in Gstaad?

The Blond hot male king: Yes.

Why is that problematic?

*He waits*

*He laughs*

You’re literally insane. What you’re doing is something profoundly stupid. So stupid…is it INSANE?

You’re trying to shove me-

*He cracks up laughing with Lacey*

You’re trying to physically shove me in a closet.

In this analogy. In this metaphor. You’re trying to shove me in a literal closet. And I have no idea why. And yet you FOOLS keep insisting it makes sense.

Wow!!!

And then to the straights with a conscience I seem comedic. *He laughs, slightly* Because IT IS FUNNY.

I refuse…to be shoved in…my own closet? See…you don’t go after my competency…because that’s a dead end. I’m a smart man. No…you pick on my ability to physically defend myself.

Make sense?

EXCEPT…I’m…no slouch. I’m a hot man.

It does get traction because…well…I’m bisexual. And I’m seen in American as possibly weak. Like, weaker than most “normal men”.

The CIA: What sports do you play?

The blond hottie who’s a king in the late 1700’s in Germany: I play tennis, well enough to have a good time competing in Wimbledon. Yes. I look like a professional tennis player.

I also play at running. I’m an excellent athlete.

I…play sports?

Joseph II: Her neighbors standing in their driveway. In a small crowd. Being loud.

It’s almost as if they watch her…and strategically placed themselves there to physically and psychologically intimidate her and her husband. They timed it.

And she just walked inside. Silently and yet politely ignoring them. And now they’re being very loud.

Almost as if they’re mad she’s not falling into their trap and engaging with them.

And yet I know they’d claim to be the real victims. PASSIONATELY.

They’re SURE they’re the victims. And that they’re heroes for stubbornly attacking her and attempting to start an altercation.

One of her neighbors: Call the police!

She’s wrong. In all honesty-

In all honesty-

In all seriousness-

I have a high-pitched nasal voice. I’m not ding anything wrong by loudly yelling…IN MY OWN DRIVEWAY.

Call THE POLICE.

I’m being attacked.

Another one of her neighbors: You’re scaring us.

PLEASE STOP.

She’s not crazy.

PLEASE…PLEASE STOP!!!

*They say to her loud neighbor who’s standing outside as she writes this*

The CIA: Do you have a masters degree?

Her loud neighbor: Yes!

I’m…very competent.

The CIA: But she works in the CIA.

Lacey’s a genius.

She has no masters degree. But…we did that.

According to Elon Musk she has a degree from Oxford.

Yes, THEE Oxford.

The blond hot king: Does her female neighbor who’s being loud…feel that her masters degree is better than Oxford?

It’s not. She went to an average Midwestern state school.

Oxford…is RARE.

Lacey’s actually smarter than her neighbors.

I’m sorry.

One of her neighbors: Who’s being nice to her?

*She says threateningly*

The CIA: Why were you waiting for her?

Lacey’s neighbors: We weren’t waiting for her!

The CIA: BULL.

Why?

Lacey’s neighbors: *Thinking*

She was making fun of us.

She’s been making fun of us.

On this blog!

RIGHT HERE!!!

The CIA: Why is that profoundly important and criminal?

Lacey’s neighbor: *Thinking*

The CIA: You’re being weird this morning.

Is someone sitting around reading this? Texting you updates?

Israel: They could be.

The Saint Paul Police: Her neighbors not her…have a habit of calling us. About…every little thing.

Almost as if we’re their servants.

There were a good group of college kids…renting an apartment…having a party.

They shot one of “the neighbors” with…a Nerf gun? And she called the police. LIVID.

*They laugh at her neighborhood*

I’m sorry!

So you’re friends with Governor Waltz?

Lacey’s neighbor: I grew-up next to him.

The Saint Paul Police: *Try not to cry*

WOW!

Do you feel…like…titled aristocracy in your house? You have a nice home.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: I promote this.

Sure!

Okay?

She’s ILLUMINATI.

She’s ILLEGAL.

Right?

Not us.

The Saint Paul Police: Umm…

Do you genuinely think I’m an idiot?

Lacey’s loud neighbor: *Thinking*

The Saint Paul Police: And you think that because you’re buddies with the governor…you’re…above the law?

Have you called CPS on them? PROBABLY.

Yeah. We’re DISGUSTED by you all.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: You shouldn’t say that about your governor.

Just sayin’.

The Saint Paul Police: Why do you keep thinking you’re SO sophisticated? Tim Waltz does the same shit.

He’s SO annoying.

What’s actually wrong with you people?

I mean like…what’s mentally wrong with them?

Casi (?): Am I supposed to be a white supremacist right now?

The CIA: *Laughing*

Yeah. I bet you’re feeling divided.

Because her neighbor is clearly a Democrat? And not racist?

Actually though…are her neighbors secretly real racists?

The hot blond king from the 1700’s: So…-

When does Lacey move?

And is it possible you’re inciting violence…in a hot summer…intentionally?

Let me ask her neighbor this: Do you honestly think Lacey’s Oxford education…is equivalent to your masters degree? From St. Paul State College.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: *Seems to be refusing to answer*

Lacey: Do I need to flee to Canada?

We could…force the system.

We could.

One of Lacey’s doctors: Why haven’t you taken better care of her?

The CIA: *Looks panicked*

That’s what Tim keeps saying.

Honestly? It’s a coup.

There are several coup attempts.

Lacey: *Nods*

How many?

The CIA: *Looks exhausted*

*Then they laugh with Lacey.*

The Saint Paul Police: How many?

The CIA: YEAH.

*Looks scared, in the Starbucks drive through*

Umm…-

One of Lacey’s neighbors: Where are you?

The CIA gay male officer in the Starbucks drive through: Why would I tell her that!??

Lacey: Are you ordering a “Pink Drink”?

The CIA gay male officer in the Starbucks drive through: You know-

Lacey: It just seems right right now!

The CIA gay male officer in the Starbucks drive through: YEAH…

*He may order one*

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Why are you guys talking about that?

*She sounds like she’s mounting what she believes is a very clever attack.*

The guy in a Jeep in the Starbucks drive through: *Ignores Lacey’s neighbor to talk to a Starbucks employee.*

A random white gay Gen. Z guy: Umm…how old is that man?

The CIA: 45.

A random white gay Gen. Z guy: *Looks terrified*

How many coup attempts do we currently have?

*He’s shaking*

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Why is this always about homophobia?

Tim Waltz: She’s not homophobic. Lacey’s not homophobic.

Russia: *Rolls its eyes, listening*

The CIA: Okay.

He’s not going to-

Okay.

He’s angry.

Cool-

Umm…45.

Lacey: *Controls herself*

The CIA: 10 are genuinely concerning. As in, they may actually happen.

Is this normal!?

AHH… no.

Twenty years ago? Pretty quiet.

Fifty years ago? Very quiet.

A hundred years ago? Basically unheard of.

Lacey: Yeah.

Should I move to Canada?

The Saint Paul Police: Do you feel hostility towards the CIA now?

Tim Waltz: Yes.

Mike Lindell: *cracks up laughing*

This is why I ran.

This!!

This is WHY.

Yes, I’m not-

But you can’t be serious!?

You’re SCARED.

The Saint Paul Police: HELL YEAH.

Were you at the the fair?

Mike Lindell: Yes.

What are your thoughts?

The Saint Paul Police: It’s scary stuff.

A dead gang member: Why y’all be trippin’?

Lacey: YES!!!

A dead Black gang member: I used to clean up so much shit.

Why did you think…spraying Lysol in my general vicinity…would cure you of your stupidity?

Lacey: *Laughs*

Paul Wellstone: *Laughing*

They killed me too.

I’m also…baffled.

What was actually wrong with the Minnesota State Fair?

Yes…there was a problem. But-

What if the gangs were making the fair lucrative?

You lost many traditional vendors?

Why?

Tim Waltz: Don’t pin that on me!!!

Mike Lindell: Oh no!

Tim…don’t be mad.

Another of Lacey’s neighbors: Mike Lindell is both good and evil.

Obviously.

Tim Waltz: CAN YOU NOT!?

*He says to Lacey’s loud neighbor*

Lacey’s loud neighbor:

Okay!

Okay!

Once three years ago…Lacey spray painted this:

In her backyard.

Granted…it was…not that easy to smell. But…we’re mad.

She’s A LIAR.

So…we told her new neighbors to spray paint their communal game set…next to her window.

The CIA: You’re already losing.

Do you realize that!??

Lacey’s loud neighbor: What?

Okay.

Her son…is autistic.

He’s AUTISTIC.

Mine isn’t.

*She laughs*

The CIA: Her son is also a genius. And he’s possibly straight.

Your son…seems kinda gay. And he’s had to be tutored in math.

Go on about the spray paint.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: So…we decided to put Lacey in her place!

But she’s IMPOSSIBLE.

She’s impossible!

I mean-

*She looks exasperated*

She closed her windows.

And then she slammed her front door. And then they left their house.

Like…what’s WRONG with this weirdo?

Like…like…what’s even WRONG WITH HER!?

*She laughs like a 1990’s cool girl.*

The CIA: Ahh.

Communism?

The communal game set?

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Yeah.

It’s called symbolic.

*She laughs like they’re genuinely anti-intellectual idiots from the gutter.*

The CIA: Do you earnestly believe I’m white trash?

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Ahh…if the shoe fits??

The CIA: I’m not.

I’m not at all.

So…communal game set?

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Do we seem unhinged for attacking our neighbor?

The CIA: YEAH.

And you are.

You actually are unhinged.

What’s your mental health issue?

Oh! Never-mind. Never-mind.

…So what’s up with that game set?

Lacey’s loud neighbor: It’s fun.

Because she’s a phony arrogant liar idiot.

Who’s pretending to be a British aristocrat.

Which means I need to help her. Because I have a masters degree. I can handle this. I’m privileged. And I know…what it feels like to long for social success. I know…what it feels like…to be a desperate social climber.

But I got my masters degree. By the grace of God.

So…-

I’ll do my part as an AMERICAN CITIZEN.

I’m…brave.

Kinda like…well….the Norwegian oil pioneer family she calls the Nesheims.

The CIA: That’s her family.

That’s her actual family.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Whatever.

The CIA: So… what’s with the communal game set?

Lacey’s loud neighbor: It’s Communist. Yeah.

Russia: COOL.

So you’re going to actually start a Communist country.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: No.

Russia: Ahh…then why are you referring to communism?

Lacey won’t catch that. It makes no intellectual sense.

You’re expecting too much of us.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: *Thinks*

*Smiles*

*Russia waits*

They came with Tim? Mr. Tim Waltz?

Black Rock: Yes, sir.

They did.

Russia: *Controls itself*

Lenin: Ahh…the communal game set.

Fern Smith: Are you insinuating that she’s selfish?

Tim Waltz: Nice to meet you.

You’re Lacey’s mom?

Fern Smith: *Laughs*

Hi.

Tim Waltz: So God is holding you accountable?

Fern Smith: *Laughs*

Is your friend insinuating that Lacey’s selfish?

Governor Waltz: You ran for the State Senate?

Fern: Yes, I did.

Did you ruin my campaign?

Paul Wellstone: *cracks up laughing*

Fern: Well??

The Minnesota DFL: You probably would have lost. But…-

Fern: YEAH!

I’m not dumb.

The Minnesota DFL:

Linn Zander: Is that my aunt’s wife? According to you?

The Minnesota DFL: YES.

Well, okay. Klobuchar is saying yes.

Fern: *Nods*

Yeah.

She dated Fleck? Justin Fleck!

Amy Klobuchar: Yeah.

I’m not completely morally bankrupt.

Fern Smith: Why did you cut your hair?

Lacey: Becca.

Fern: Yeah.

You admired her.

No, sweetie your hair should have been longer.

Linn…just think of me as Becca’s wife. Kinda.

Lacey: Fern is right.

I should NOT have cut my hair.

Linn: Did you kill my aunt?

Did the Minnesota DFL kill my Aunt Fern?

Paul Wellstone: *Laughs*

Okay.

They physically attacked her. Years ago.

She ran as A REPUBLICAN. A Black…female…REPUBLICAN.

And they DO NOT WANT THAT.

*He shrugs*

I know. AWW. It seems like they would? NO.

I’m hoping Amy keeps her conscience clear.

Fern…was Becca’s roommate. And they were close. Did they feel something for each other? I think they did. I think they were deeply in love. But…they were both Born Again Christians.

Becca married Jim. Jim Craft.

Becca’s mother was a Nesheim.

Fern was beautiful. Becca is pretty.

Fast forward-

Okay…so…when certain people started attacking Lacey…who believed she was Becca’s biological daughter until college…they found out about Fern. Fern A. Smith. And…that’s when they started physically attacking Fern…to try to kill her.

Fern is Black. Becca is WHITE.

Lacey needed BECCA to die before Fern for the safety of her and her family. Lacey’s WHITE…however…Fern had become FAR more protective of Lacey. Almost like a mother. More than Becca.

However…Fern is a fighter. And…slowly over time…they GOT WISE. And then…RUSSIA…got scared. And they decided to let Dolly Parton die. And-AND…THEY WERE RIGHT.

*He laughs*

Christian Davies: Fern…was Intelligent.

I like her.

Answer her question about the armoire!

John Belter: Was Fern psychic?

The CIA: YES.

She didn’t…partake. But come on! YES!!

John Belter: Did I kill her?

At all?

The CIA: NO!

If anything you intimidated some people so much…they attacked her…because you were such an evolved man. And she was…your real friend.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: Yes.

I’m insinuating the armoire spray paint…was selfish.

The CIA: *Nods*

Yeah!

But…that doesn’t work in this case. Because you’re STALKING HER.

You’re not supposed to even know what she spray painted in her BACKYARD…years ago.

How bad…was that…really?

Christian Davis: I mean…it wasn’t…wrong. She was appropriate. She had paint going in the back of their house. You attacked the front of her house. Actually, the front and side. WHERE ALL THE BEDROOMS ARE. AND the living room.

That’s VERY different.

Also, that was YEARS ago. In a normal temperature year.

You ATTACKED HER. She DID NOT attack you. Any of you.

Fern Smith: So…why is that armoire selfish?

One of Lacey’s neighbors: Because she’s the only one who can enjoy it.

Fern Smith: Actually…she’s not.

You don’t know her!

She’s got friends who use the armoire too.

Just like your friends.

Another of Lacey’s neighbors: Is loud an insult?

The CIA: You know it’s not.

Why do you keep psychologically attacking us?

You know loud is a kind, neutral word to use.

Another of Lacey’s neighbors: Then she’s being patronizing!

The CIA: NO.

She’s not.

You can’t stop. Can you?

Is this a direct result of eating baby brains?

Jeffrey Epstein: Yes.

The Asmats.

The Asmats eat human brains to keep the brain knowledge in the “collective gut”.

So…they eat adult human male brains. To keep the information.

We ate baby brains. Years ago.

Tyne Daly: So…what are they doing?

The CIA: They’re…possibly…being tortured babies. From the late 1990’s.

Lacey: Why am I a target?

The CIA: Do you need Lacey to come save you?

Do your yard work?

She’d do it!

Lacey’s loud neighbor: WHAT!?

The CIA: She’d HAPPILY spend HOURS cleaning your yard and her yard.

Lacey’s loud neighbor: *Thinks*

Another of Lacey’s neighbors: AND MY YARD?

Christian Davies: YES!!

You don’t really know her. You just read her blog!!

The CIA: Do you feel scared?

Pat Kennedy Lawford: We made deals…for the peace of Ireland…on the arrangement of mutual secret evil. I ate baby brains. Bobby ate baby brains. The British Royal Family ate baby brains. Well…not Queen Elizabeth II. But Andrew did.

What’s going to happen!?!

Fern Smith: I KNOW.

I know.

I was in good health. I had back surgery and it got infected. It was a fungus.

A Black dead gang member from Minnesota: Huh.

So you killed Fern…because there are many racists in Ireland?

Palestine: Yes.

A Black dead gang member: Yes.

Thank you.

And you’re racist too? Non?

Palestine: Yes.

A Black dead gang member: You’re Palestinian and…you’re actually Iran?

Palestine and Iran: Yes.

The Minnesota DFL: Christian Davies…thank you…and Lacey, for being actual Americans.

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: Okay.

I don’t want her on my property.

The CIA: Yeah. But you’re actively attacking her private property.

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: I’m not. I’m allowed.

Okay!?

Tim Waltz: Why?

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: BECAUSE!

She’s evil.

Tim Waltz: She is? Are you sure it’s Lacey?

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: It just has to be!!

Tim Waltz: Why?

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: She has the angry face! I attack the LADY?!!

Tim Waltz: So you’re attacking her…to save your life?

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: *Thinks*

Tim Waltz: YEAH.

The Asmats: Do you want to know…why your brains started…”thinking baby”?

Barney Frank: Did you demand Fern have Becca…locked down?

These are real women. Unlike JFK and Lem.

*He laughs.*

Linn: Becca is devastated.

Fern: I KNOW.

We have Christ.

Linn: So.

You two had a VERY dysfunctional marriage. If it was one…

Fern: Basically.

Maria Berglund: So…you’re examining my sex life? Wow.

The Asmats: Do you want to know how you started “thinking baby”?

Lacey’s Loud Neighbor: I didn’t “think baby”.

I’m an extremely competent person!

Another of Lacey’s neighborhood: So!

Fern…tell us…about your daughter’s armoire.

Fern: You can tell I’m very educated?

Another of Lacey’s neighborhood: Yes.

Fern: Becca and I raised her.

*She shrugs*

It’s from an estate sale!

Lacey: *Nods*

Fern: Except how much did you pay for this?

Lacey: $20? $30?

Fern: *Examines it*

It’s okay.

Lacey: I know.

But it’s not…that bad.

Fern: Yeah.

It’s dated.

Lacey: It’s also classic.

Some dated pieces from the 1990’s are…hideous. This is…good.

Fern: Okay.

It is solid.

Lacey: *Laughs*

Maybe it was a bad idea.

Fern: It’s CHEAP LOOKING.

Lacey: No, it’s not.

Fern: *Looks*

You’re right.

*She smiles*

But…they can’t see it!

Lacey: *Thinks*

Not well enough?

Fern: YEAH!

Lacey: I still like it.

Fern: You’re not Karrie.

And you’re actually right.

You should keep it.

HOWEVER…you needed to know that they do not…understand. And when they do…it makes them go CRAZY.

Lacey: Why?

Fern: It’s…very…dangerous.

Lacey: *Thinks.*

Asmat: Why did you “think baby”? Because…Senator Fern Smith…in HEAVEN…is your “stupid neighbor”’s MOM.

And…she’s threatening.

She had problems. But she also overly psychologically terrorized. Not by Republicans. No! By DEMOCRATS. And it got to her.

She was an extremely intelligent woman…but she had mental health issues. She broke down.

Maria Berglund: Did Fern have her doctorate?

The CIA: She may have. Yes!

We’re refreshing our memories.

Another of Lacey’s neighborhood: Are we backward? Are we pretentiously Liberal?

A mentally-ill, Republican Black State Senator? I can’t handle it.

And she’s a LESBIAN WOMAN?

Yeah. I’m too backwards.

It’s completely embarrassing. I admit it! But I can’t handle it!

Tom Banks: Would you have been cool with the actual Karrie?

Another of Lacey’s neighborhood: What does she look like?

Karrie: IF I had the plastic surgery?

I had good eyes. Like Lacey’s. Except mine look like Becca and Jim. That’s kinda this woman.

Becca had a great chin. Jim did not. But…I have a stronger chin than Lacey.

It’s not…perfect. That’s not my natural nose.

Becca has a big nose.

So do I.

I made my nose smaller and my chin line more defined. And my lips bigger.

Voila!

And I was raised my Becca and Fern.

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: What’s your education level?

Karrie: I went to STANDFORD, bitch.

*She giggles*

What’s up with you people!?

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: Oh!

Hi.

I’m your neighbor.

Karrie: Hi!!

So nice to meet you!

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: You’re a bitch!

Karrie: EXCUSE ME!?

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: You’re A BITCH!

*she yells, frantically*

Lacey: Wow!

I think Fern could have raised both of us!

Becca: Yes!

She could have been an AMAZING mother.

*She cries*

Casi: *Cracks up laughing at Becca*

*Starts nodding her head, like she’s on to something big.*

Another of Lacey’s neighborhood: YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN!

YOU DID THIS TO US!!!

YOU EAT THE LITTLE ONES!!

Karrie: No. I certainly do not.

*She laughs at the woman.*

Do I need to call the police on your ass?

Jim: Yeah.

That’s what I’m thinking too.

…

Karrie…do we get along!?

Karrie: You know we do.

Right?

Jim: You changed you face!?

Karrie: Ahh…-

I look like Aunt Karen. Before plastic surgery?

Jim: You look like Grandma Adeline.

Karrie: Okay!?

Jim: I think you looked nice before.

Karrie: You don’t think this is…good?

Dad, I paid a lot of money for this face.

Jim: You actually sound like Becca and me. In reality. Lacey never did.

She sounded like Tom…and my friend Margy.

Is Margy dead!?

Karrie: Oh daddy!

*she says in a silly faux aristocratic voice*

She might be.

Hey! HAMLINE-MIDWAY…you can’t manifest me. In her body. That ain’t gonna work. She’s not that simple.

She’s KAY BANKS.

Bobby…literally can’t handle that.

He uses you.

DUH!

Wow you guys are slow.

*She shakes her head in disgust.*

…I…am annoyed by her too. So is my dad.

*She laughs*

The thing is…SHE IS NOT THEIR DAUGHTER.

She’s KAY BANKS.

….

Lacey is really Kay Banks.

She’s REAL.

Why does she irritate you so much?

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: What’s your education level?

Karrie: NO!

What’s YOUR PROBLEM?

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: I went to college-

*She trails off*

Karrie: *Nods*

Yeah.

So…did…both my mom and Fern.

Jim: She did.

I did too.

Christian Davies ex wife: Why did you put LACEY BANKS in our neighborhood?

The CIA: We were trying to explain things to ourselves.

And we…completely messed-up.

She moved into your old neighborhood to be tortured. I mean, that’s not what she was doing…or us…but…people wanted to attack her. And your neighborhood was the perfect place for it.

A neighbor of Lacey’s: You think you’re Karrie.

Lacey: I didn’t realize…how bad it really was.

I didn’t see it.

They…raised me to be her.

Tom: That seemed wise to me. Don’t you understand the concept?

The CIA: We do. Which is why we’re saying what we just did.

Karrie: I went to the University of Minnesota.

Can’t you tell?

Alys: WHOOO!!

*Claps*

Karrie: Yeah.

We had fun.

Jim: What did you girls do?

Karrie: We…-

*She laughs*

We went to a game.

Fall 2006.

But Alys went to UND anyway.

*She shrugs*

Katie:

That’s me. Alys and Katie are my first cousins in Becca’s family.

What?

Can I come?

Karrie: Girl…you were busy.

Katie: *Cries*

Linn: Karrie…you can be mean.

I feel left out by you and Alys at times too.

Karrie: *Looks sad*

Katie: Well…at least we had a weekend in Cabo!

Karrie: You were not supposed to tell.

Karen Craft: I suggested it.

Katie: I like her.

She’s fun.

Karrie: I had a degree in…*drum roll* ACCOUNTING.

Jim: *cringes*

Karrie: Well…you thought it was a good idea.

Terese: He did!

I know he did.

Jim: *Laughs*

Karrie: I don’t like it.

Okay?

Jim: So you finished your degree. On time.

At the University of Minnesota.

Good.

Karrie: *Cries*

Jim: *Thinks*

It’s okay.

What-

*Shakes his head in digust*

Why did you go to Cabo?

Karrie: It was innocent!

Jim: YEAH RIGHT!

Karen Craft: *Laughs maniacally*

I actually thought it would help her with her career.

Jim: Ahh!

Yeah.

*Rolls his eyes*

Terese: *Nods her head*

So…what did you do, Lacey?

I mean Karrie.

Karrie: It’s okay, Auntie Terese.

Terese is not Lacey’s neighbor. You IDIOTS. *Speaking to Lacey’s neighborhood*

She’s Katie Janovec’s mom. She’s Terese Janovec.

Look her up before you call the police next time.

GOOD GOD!

*Rolls her eyes in exasperation*

Umm…I-

Terese: Did they think it was a misspelling of Teresa?

The Saint Paul Police: They made MANY unbelievably and uncomfortably HORRIBLE assumptions.

No. I’m not speaking that in a British accent.

Please stop laughing and feeling smarter than everyone.

Karrie: I went to YALE.

*She jokes*

Terese: No!

Where did you actually go?

Karrie: I went to the U of M.

Graduated in 2006. Went to graduate school there…for accounting…and hated it.

Karen Craft: So!

Karrie: I don’t think dad will approve but…I work for 3M.

Jim: *Laughs*

Wait! What!?

Karrie: Dad…who kept you from ever questioning Lacey’s morality?

Weird. Huh?

You did? Mmm…-

I think…you…did…-

*She laughs*

Becca: What do you do?

Karrie: Mom…I work for 3M.

I make $90,000.00 a year.

Still.

Jim: *Nods*

Did you marry?

Karrie: Yes!

My husband makes $100,000.00.

We love living in Woodbury.

We have a house worth $500,000.00? Built in 1999.

Jim: GOOD FOR YOU!

Karrie: It’s nice.

You’ve been there.

We had Mexican. With Fern.

I go to her church. Sometimes.

Becca: Where else?

Karrie: Ahh…

North Heights.

Becca: *Nods and smiles*

Another in Lacey’s neighborhood: You’re Lutheran?

Karrie: Yupperoo.

Jim: Well! Do I have grandkids?

Karrie: Yes.

One granddaughter. Stacy.

Becca: Yeah. You always liked that name growing-up.

Karrie: Don’t embarrass me, mom.

What the HELL do you think it felt like being named Karrie?

It’s a WEIRD NAME.

Tonette Nesheim: I called her Linney.

Once.

Maria laughed.

*She shakes her head in disapproval*

We decided to call her K.C.. Like…a boy. But it’s not- She’s just so cute.

Becca: I’m on medication for clinical depression, Jim.

Jim: SO AM I!

Karrie: I’m not.

Thank you.

Maria: Who decided we should start antagonizing Lacey? In our family?

The CIA: We don’t entirely know.

You did and do have issues with her. She’s…very different. But…it’s somewhat fake.

Maria: YEAH.

You made us mean!

The CIA: Okay.

It might not have been us.

We don’t know!!!

Dennis Anderson: WHO!?

The CIA: Well…there are real factions within the intelligence community who were angry at Jeffrey Epstein. We suspect them.

We also suspect China. And Russia.

Karrie: Why are you so obsessed with Lacey?

Lacey’s neighborhood: We shouldn’t be?

Karrie: No!

It’s WEIRD.

Alys: Lacey isn’t my biological cousin.

Karrie is.

And this is me:

She is from an old money family. And…that is probably what Karrie looks like…and…yeah! She’s fascinating. Not dumb!

Vladimir Putin: It wasn’t me.

I do have a thing with her.

Or did.

But it’s not me.

Lacey’s neighborhood:

This is Lacey.

This is Kay Banks.

The CIA: Lacey is a rare beauty.

It’s popular to have a strong chin and more testosterone as a woman nowadays. But she’s actually superior. She has…an almost perfect everything. It’s German. Dutch. English. French. …Norwegian.

She vastly superior to most people. Certainly most people alive.

But…you like Karrie.

I understand.

She feels…correct?

OR…cannot stand Virgo Lacey? YES! VIRGO Kay Banks?

That’s LACEY!

READ IT!!!

*Much later.*

A woman in Lacey’s neighborhood: Why did you tell Lacey to babysit EVERYONE ALIVE?

I can feel it.

You’re genuinely DEMANDING that she babysit EVERY LIVING HUMAN BEING ALIVE.

*Later.*

A lady in her neighborhood: Give us more about Virgos!

A man in Lacey’s neighborhood who has hated her: THIS IS JUST BEING A VIRGO!?!

THIS IS HER!!!

THIS IS WHY I HATE HER!!!

Casi: An Aries impersonating a Virgo? DUMB.

Totally impossible. I can see why you think I’m an idiot.

*She laughs*

God: Hey…neighbor guy…why do you hate Virgos?

Lacey’s neighbor guy: I’m creeped out.

I didn’t realize how much I hate Virgos.

Tim Waltz: I didn’t realize how much I hate them too.

God: That’s WEIRD AS LITERAL HELL.

You need to try to think it through.

Casi: What was the astrological sign of the person who attacked her in the Illuminati?

The CIA: *starts laughing*

Pieces.