A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: *Talk to Lacey about sex, for an hour. Telepathically.*
Listen to “The Very Thought of You” as performed by Al Bowlly plays.
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: Why do you not understand that I care that you aren’t having regular sex with a living man? *one of them says*
*he laughs with Caroline Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy Junior*
Lacey: Do you care? I don’t even know!
Caroline: I’m so sure that she’s my dad reincarnated!
Bobby and I talked about it for about an hour after we read what she wrote about Lem.
And we’re positive.
She’s my dad, we’re positive, we’re positive.
A Black male sports commentator: You guys this is bad! We should stop. *he says, seriously*
Listen to “Maybe I Love You Too Much” by Ray Noble plays.
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: I’m just shocked that she doesn’t get it.
I understand male tensions Lacey. I get why you were tense.
Lacey: *Feels like she’s being attacked by a massive amount of spiders, crawling all over her body*
I thought Jack reincarnated!
I’ve said that, quite a few times!
Satan: Do you understand that Bobby is obsessive and that he’s literally trying to suffocate her right now and give her a seizure because he’s so mad about what she’s saying?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: No.
Bobby is my friend.
He would never do something like that.
He’s a really nice man. He’s really chill.
Listen to “Hatikvah” as performed by Moshe Koussevitzky.
Lacey: Are you antisemitic? *Lacey asks him, snickering*
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: *he looks caught*
Bobby: Yeah, he is Lacey.
And he’s damn proud of it!?
OK, you dumb bitch!?
You know why you’re not Jack reincarnated! Because you’re a loser.
The song plays.
The song ends.
Casi: Why are you guys talking about her sex life and her sexual needs as a person?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: Because Bobby is obsessively watching her sex life…and we were gonna talk about Lem and how she became an item with him, but Bobby insisted that it’s not real…and that if it is, she’s just Jack reincarnated.
Casi: You sound like a dumbass.
Like…a teenage girl. A twat.
Do you realize that? That you sound like a fucking retard?
Bobby: *starts freaking-out*
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: I was just gonna say that you’re really hot. That’s all. *he says to Lacey*
Casi: *laughs and rolls her eyes*
Lacey: You know to be honest, it’s kind of sad if you actually mean that at all? And I’m not sure that you do…
I’m not an unattractive woman. You probably would find me attractive if you could see me in person-
Bobby: No, they wouldn’t!!
*he says, sincerely*
I swear on my mama’s life! …I swear on the Bible, I swear on Jesus-
No, that’s not possible!
Lacey: But my husband is Jewish, actually. Every man who I’ve ever slept with, is Jewish who’s alive. Like, every man who I’ve ever had intercourse who is with alive, has been Jewish. So it’s funny me…that you’re so cocky and arrogant and sure of yourself, but you’ve never done anything close to having sex with me. Any of you dumbass white guys who are still alive…and supposedly so virile and straight.
Are you even men?
Listen to “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics.
Bibi: *laughs*
Awkward.
She really is a very sexy woman.
I actually think that Jewish men are better acquainted with sex than your average white man. I’m just being honest. And they tend to have larger dicks too.
And having a larger dick… definitely gives a man more confidence.
So I don’t know what you gentlemen have to say for yourself, but I’m not surprised that the only men who ever come close to having sex with her and have, apparently, one of which is her husband, have both been Jewish.
I am curious Lacey. Who was the other person?
Lacey: His name was Alex and he is currently working in some sort of financial something? Out West. He was Jewish on his father’s side. I think they were Russian Jews he said.
Caroline: She’s my dad reincarnated, OK?
Because I’m married to a Jew, myself. Is that not funny?
It’s just like my dad.
Listen to “Linger” by The Cranberries.
Lacey: No, I’m not her father reincarnated.
Caroline: YES SHE IS!!! *she shrieks, like a real freak*
Bobby: They don’t know how to hold onto a man like that, but I do. He was crazy about me.
Caroline: She’s been dying, except not really.
Okay?
And instead my daughter died and tons of really hot…amazing young women in my family have died instead of her.
*she fumes*
And they died…because Bobby has been trying to kill her. OK?
But he’s been trying to kill her…because she is a menace.
And so when she doesn’t die…when he tries to kill her- Which is so offensive to me, she should just die! I’m Illuminated.
I know she likes to say I’m ugly…and I look like a scarecrow…but I know that’s her being insecure about how she looks and having a fat ugly face. Because I am an amazingly beautiful woman.
I’ve been told that my whole life!!! BY EVERYONE.
*she’s dead serious*
I’m an incredibly amazing person.
My whole family is incredibly amazing.
A reader: You actually have a face that’s a little too angular, and you do kind of look like a scarecrow to be honest.
Caroline: That’s not true!!
I can tell.
I’m Illuminati.
And I’m JFK‘s daughter.
Do you know who he is?!?!?
Do you have any idea who he is? That’s my dad that’s my dad!!!
Listen to “Sunglasses At Night” by Corey Hart.
Bobby: Try not to be intimidated by us.
We are…arguably…thee most intimidating people to ever live.
I’ve been told that…and it’s just true.
Caroline: He’s right.
*Missing the joke, she literally wears sunglasses, now.*
Ha! I have a sense of humor.
*She laughs. Begins dancing awkwardly.*
*later, after being demonically harassed*
A Black sports commentator: Why are we doing this right now?
Bobby: BECAUSE SHE SUCKS!!!!
*he yells, like this is obvious*
A Black sports commentator: Because Lem was straight. …And you know that…
Caroline: I’LL KILL YOU!!! *she yells at the commentator*
His connections in the Illuminati: *actively work to restrain her and protect him, but not at the expense of Lacey*
Caroline: YOU ATTACK LACEY!!!! To save your own soul… OR I WILL MURDER YOU!!!
*she shrieks, rocking back and forth in her seat*
A white trash reader: *cracks-up, laughing at Caroline*
Caroline: *gets serious, as she’s surprised by that response*
Why is she laughing at me, like that? *she asks one of her supporters*
Bobby: *shrugs and rolls his eyes*
Because…Lacey thinks we’re white trash.
Caroline: Man, I hate that bitch!
Bobby: *nods*
Yup.
Caroline: She’s such a bitch.
Bobby: Yup.
Casi: Are you all aware how white trash you actually do sound?
Caroline: Say wha!!? *says Caroline, in a sudden Valley Girl fry*
Casi: *stunned speechless*
Listen to “Cry Me a River” by Justin Timberlake.
Casi: I really am different.
…Guys…is there reincarnation? …This blog freaks me out.
Louis, of France: This song is dedicated to you, Virginia. If there is.
Casi: DUDE!
I’m alive.
Louis: *laughs*
2:52
A Black sports commentator: Dammit.
3:20
Casi: HOW DID YOU DO THAT!??
Louis: *laughs*
4:10
The song plays.
The song ends.
A Jew from the 1950’s, who’s still dead: Marilyn Monroe…married a Jew.
…Jewish men…are…exotic, to white women. But we’re also relatable.
…Did you try to find Jews? Or did they find you?
Lacey: They found me.
Listen to “Gangnam Style” by PSY.
Bobby: *tries to dance sexy, in his living-room, to be seductive to dead men*
*stops and does push-ups*
*tries just flinging his junk around, but mostly just looks like he’s having a seizure*
2:00
Bobby: *gets too breathless, and has to lay down, on his back and get his breath*
2:42
Cheryl: Are you okay? *she says, in her usual casual manner*
3:12
Bobby: I AM FINE!!! *he yells, completely annoyed*
The song ends.
A dead 1950’s Jew: I’m sure…he’s…still…capable.
Fully capable.
Listen to “Moonlight Sonata” as performed by Micheal Silverman.
Harold Loeb: I know you find some Jewish men attractive like your husband, but do you even prefer Jewish men?
Lacey: No.
Harold Loeb: That’s what I thought.
Why were you guys talking about sex with her in such a stupid…childish…immature, effeminate manner?
The song ends.
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: Well… I just wanna know why she didn’t save herself for marriage!? If she is such a real…actual Christian…like she says she is.
The CIA: Are you SERIOUS!?!!
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: *laugh, drinking too much somewhere*
God: Do you really “wanna know” or are you not intellectually capable of handling the answer? Be honest.
A they who knows Lacey: Can we just stop?
It is so obvious to me, sweetie, that she did that because she was looking to fit in with people. Probably not to get their “approval” but probably more because she was in her late 20s and everyone else was doing it. Like literally everyone. Every Christian she’d ever met!
Because she’s a Millennial and she’s an older millennial, at that, and they all did that. Trust me!!! They did.
I’m one of them.
And it would’ve been considered weird for her not to do that, actually. But I’m sure she kept herself until her late 20s, which is extremely unusual, considering how beautiful she is, especially.
So as smart as you pretend to be, try using your brain…and just figure these things out for yourself, OK?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: Then I think she should have to do that!!!
think she should have to figure out for herself what I’m thinking, for a change.
*he yells*
They: Wow you are a special fucking idiot.
Sweetie, did you listen to anything I said?
Probably not.
You probably just were staring down at your own dick, the whole time. Admiring it.
Yeah, I have a feeling that that’s probably all she’s ever done. Just try read your fucking mind.
And men like you probably never bother to explain yourself. Because you’re just an entitled worthless piece of shit.
Ilhan: *Claps*
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: I just feel like it should be obvious that I was just coming on to her.
What else would I be possibly doing?
Unless if there’s something wrong with her!? Right!?
In which…case…that’s really exciting.
Oh my God that’s so exciting.
*he giggles*
That’s exciting.
Wow, I do seem like a really bitchy woman.
Is it just me or is she just like a huge dude with a dick?
*he giggles*
Caroline: He’s my Dad, reincarnated.
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: I keep waiting for her to cry, but it’s not happening, even though Bobby promised me she’d cry.
Why do I want her to cry? Because what does it say about men who are alive? If we can’t figure out how to fuck women anymore, cause it’s just like…way too complicated.
It seems like most normal men are attracted to other men nowadays. Or they’re just not white. The ones who are white, who are supposedly straight are just like super into their careers…and like just kind of just…vaguely interested in everything. 
“Touch me.” I say most of the women who I have sex with, who I hire of course, because that’s less messy.
I don’t have time to have a proper affair anymore. I have to consider so many different things!
My career, my reputation. Umm…is the woman even attractiveness? Will she bother me!? Cause, I’m kind of a big deal.
So when I need to be fucked, I just buy a woman for a night. Cause, I have a lot of money…and it’s just so much easier.
The CIA: Is this what you want to commit to saying, telepathically? Or is there somebody else in your group…who has something different, that they would like to say?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: We just can’t believe that she doesn’t realize that we actually did find her attractive, and that one of us was trying to hit on her.
The CIA: Are you expecting saying that to be like actually saying something similar, in a real way? Because, it’s not the same thing psychologically, and I’m not sure if you’re bright enough to realize that.
I’m starting to think that this whole thing happened because of people like you who went to Ivy League schools and yet don’t deserve the recognition that you get.
Chris, is this the kind of bullshit that you came up with when you were first talking to her, 10 years ago?
Bobby: Yes, it is. We are experimenting on her, because she’s beneath us…and it makes us feel better than her…because she’s extremely powerful…and we’re very threatened by her.
Why am I telling you that? Because my good friend just stabbed me with truth serum, and I’m starting to talk.
Yes.
I am a Chinese gay man.
OK, I’m not really gay. I’m bisexual. But, I don’t understand the concept. I’m too stupid…and it’s just weird to me…that you can be both?
I’m tired of Cheryl. *he sighs*
But…she’s like my mom, now. …And she’s a really nice lady.
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: Fine.
I was stunned, when you didn’t realize…that I would be aroused…by talking about sex…with you. *he says to Lacey*
Lacey: Why would you be though?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: Are you expecting me to laugh at you like you’re a joke?
Lacey: Yes!!
I’ve experienced two things from men who are alive. They either act like sex with me would be hideous and I’m just some fucking ugly piece of shit…and the thought of having sex with me is a joke.
That’s what I experienced throughout almost all of high school, to my face.
Or…they act like they desperately want to screw me… and they’re hard as a rock…and that I should just lay down and take it. Because it’s their right.
I’m extraordinarily arousing, sweetie. I really am!
You are too dumb to say that an honest, respectful way of my humanity, but I am profoundly arousing, in person. I can walk into a bar and have 10 men wanting to screw me within seconds. And I’m not exaggerating, and I’m not bragging. This is my own honor and my humanity that we’re talking about, you fucking idiot!
You want to screw me. That’s not up for question. But do you understand that cognitively or do you respect that fact, like a grown adult? I question that and I have every fucking right to. *she yells, in sudden a Scottish accent*
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators:  I feel offended, but I’m not dumb enough to think that you’re not just being honest. Because this is a real conversation if there’s an Illuminati, and you are speaking with a Scottish accent, you sound Scottish…and I don’t think you’re exaggerating. I think you’re mad as hell. 
Lacey: What the fuck am I supposed to say!?!
People are always like, “Lacey, be more honest!” “Be more direct!” I don’t understand what you want.
I try to actually say something. But then it’s just so upsetting and so offensive.
Are women in this country all stupid or what?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: I think you’re used to talking to men who are used to women being incredibly difficult and understanding how to cut people’s heads off with swords, because they were taught from a young age how fence.
Women in this country were not taught how to properly cut someone to pieces, with a very sharp sword, in a ladylike manner. I have a feeling it would come back to you. 
I don’t understand. I just don’t understand at all. To be honest, I lie and act like women like you aren’t better looking than women who are popular…because you’re right you are actually more feminine, and I don’t think that a lot of men today are honest about that. 
Umm…-
Bibi: That’s not really an answer. Are you aware of that?
A group of supposedly straight, male, white sports commentators: I feel like a little girl right now, and I don’t like that feeling.
Bibi: I don’t.
I just feel sorry for you.
Bobby: I tricked you.
*he cackles*
I stepped outside of time, using Illuminati privileges.
*he laughs*
You say Chinese man have a small dick? …At least we are not little girls!
*he cackles*
You feel like a little girl!? Oh, I’m so sorry princess!
*he laughs*
A female reader: What motivated him to do this?
Bobby: I realize that probably is straight? OK? And…it make me angry.
So I decided to…take down the whole ship.
*he laughs*
I’m the captain now!!!
*he laughs, still laying on the floor*
Good luck getting her in bed. I have screwed you all over.
I know you find her attractive.
I can tell.
I have thoughts myself.
She will never take you seriously…ever again.
