“I Think Therefore I Am…”

I don’t write everything.

Is any of the following true? Can you tell me?

Jack knew Lem was straight but used him anyway. And he was the aggressor…not Lem. But Lem was naive. So naive. And he thought he was gay…and hated himself. Faked it. Because he was molested in his teen years and it made him think he was…gay. Because he had a physiological response. And he wanted sex. …So Jack used him. Over and over. And supported Lem’s delusion…because Jack thought he had a similar delusion. *laugh*

Jack genuinely longed for women on occasion and so he thought he was the same way Lem was. And…he likely wanted to be straight and so he narcissistically assumed he too was “confused and straight.” Maybe he thought he was less weird and messed-up though, because he didn’t act gay like Lem. He got married too. And screwed lots of women. …And made Lem handle all of it. Just to remind Lem who was really in charge. No matter how cold Lem got…Jack felt in control. The boss. And it was some comfort…

But unlike Lem he may not have been straight and confused…and so he also thought they were secretly in love. Like…really in love. And yet when Lem protested passively or otherwise he took that as confirmation that he too was straight or it hurt much too much. He didn’t let Lem be himself because he couldn’t without falling apart. So he narcissistically used Lem to psychologically believe he was both truly lovable…by a beloved spouse…however cold…and yet also magically straight…somewhere. He too…was “faking it.” Just like (hot) Lemmers!

Yet…Lem let him down. No matter how much he helped him. Saved him. Because when it came down to it…he wasn’t true to him. And he could be pushed around too much. And he’d…run off if he let him. Brilliant. Careless. Capable of living without him entirely? Not needing him at all really? No matter how much wealthier he was. …Faking his obsession. Faking his falsetto. Faking his…affliction. Leaving him alone. In deathly silence. No giggles. No drunken nights together where he could let himself foolishly believe Lem was fully his…possibly forever.

Over and over. He hurt him. Deeply. And given his childhood Jack put up with it. Stoically. It even fascinated him? Because how could this self-avowed “homosexual” who once had thought he loved him (but did not), who acted gay…and needed his help…not love him? Everyone thought he loved him. He could push Lem around and it looked convincing… Jackie bought it! And Jackie was so chic and smart… How could she not know almost anything? …And while he could sense that underneath it all Lem resented it greatly and even maybe truly hated him a little…he still remained loyal. As Jack was Lem’s first. And even though the first in this case was possibly entirely a tragic lie outside of Jack’s mind he still clung to it and so did Lem. And didn’t that mean something profound!? Isn’t that what everyone wanted!?

Lem wanted a profound love. An eternal love. He wanted to give himself once and then forever. And…he’d been tricked by a conniving, vicious, Hellish, soul-sucking child molester. Lobotomized. Fooled into thinking it was a bleak, sexless, mechanical world where you had to fight for love that barely existed. Mechanical pleasure. No desire. Just loyalty and an occasional floppy moment of perverse, depressing, semi-masturbatory so-called bliss…at best. And in fact did not satisfy. What did!? …And so Jack fell madly in love…losing himself…and Lem tried to be at least somewhat faithful subconsciously to the foul priest who controlled them both. Because that’s all both men thought they’d ever have…and they didn’t want to feel their utter helplessness as men. To a priest who wouldn’t go away no matter how many times you played dead. To an eventual cold, heartless death no matter how many times you fought it off.

They were pathetic fools. Both of them. But they also fought hard for a modicum of survival.

Jack was evil. Jack was narcissistic. But he also was truly in love. Heartbroken. A little boy inside who just wanted to be genuinely loved. For real.

And Lem was at his worst a mindless ghoul. By accident. Killing himself and Jack slowly. By accident.

By accident.

Because Jack would keep going. Just like Joe. Just like his father. He’d ignore any warning signs. Just go with the plan. The plan to win

I feel relieved when I’m in England. Safe. Should reincarnation be real…Lem might have died in WWI not Joe. And it’s his ghost. It’s his memory of us. Before I was hit by a bus. Drunk. Not dear…Joe.

They were Irish. Not English. Jack…you’re not English. Are you? Stop making eyes at Winston. *wink* Joe could have made a better introduction to him anyway. Through his “secret wife.” Ask Pat…

Or no? What did I get wrong? Does anyone but God know? What if it’s all correct?

So unsettling…?

A Thought

Sorry if you’re a kind person and you read my rage and it affects you. It’s not directed at you. It’s directed at people who have tried to paralyze me my whole life. Force demonic nonsense down my throat, probably to control me. Not you, if you’re kind.

The thing is…I’m a Christian. I was “born-again” at age 2 1/2. (Possibly closer to 3) And I’ve been a Christian ever since. And yet I hear “disembodied voices” of dead people. And then later listen to their recorded voices and find out the voices were spot on. So…they’re either real…or the demons don’t go away no matter how many times I rebuke them in the name of Jesus. It’s…troubling. Because I believe in and worship the God of the Bible. Ultimately. And no one will ever change that. Ever. …And nothing but the supernatural explains how I keep hearing totally accurate voices of dead people before I can find their voice online. Think about it. Could my mind really be so beyond brilliantly accurate? It’s almost impossible. And if it is…what does that mean? …So…I’m either lying (and I know I’m not) or…?

I’ve heard Lem. I’ve heard Harold. I’ve heard Lem. I’ve heard Zelda. I’ve heard Elliott Roosevelt. I’ve heard a lot of people… But Lem and Elliott are the only two I’ve heard confirmed (mostly because the others aren’t recorded or I can’t bare to listen). Elliott’s voice was especially shocking…because he sounded basically identical. No changes in almost any way. Not deeper. If anything he sounded slightly “lighter” somehow? And of course Lem sounded “identical” too, but just…that effeminate falsetto was entirely gone. He sounded like he does the rest of the time but maybe just healthier… No lung problems? *laugh* A bit like a nasal, masculine yet raspy (not gay sounding though) version of Sidney Pollack. Yes. Sidney Pollack.

Before he died the man who could be my father prayed to be saved by God himself during a Billy Graham Crusade. People worship God sometimes…

And so who killed JFK?

I doubt Oswald acted alone. And even if he did who cares? He was probably hired by people who loathed Jack Kennedy.

Who loathed Jack? People who knew Lem was a brainwashed, self-flagellating idiot when it came to sex…if he was. People who thought Jack was gay. People who felt bad for Lem…should he have been straight…for good reason. People who thought Lem was being turned into a gay sex-slave/slave to a narcissistic, spoiled, careless asshole. People who first fell in love with the Kennedy family and Camelot and then felt taken advantage of. People who thought the whole family was rotten. People who thought they all lied. And lied. And lied. And then tried to lie again. People who thought their wealth was a farce. Who wondered if Jack was safe to let run the country. And back in the 1960’s…people took such things much more seriously. People with enormous power. People with more money and influence and more connections than the Kennedy family. People who were…furious for geopolitical reasons. Personal reasons. Very personal reasons.

Was it the mob? Was it American old money? Was it Europe? Was it South America? Was it both the Palestinians and the Jews? Possibly.

The thing is…people don’t like to find out how wrong or right they are about certain things. And falling in love with a happy, white, good-looking American family…only to find out that they semi-maliciously use and hurt innocent (enough) people over and over would have been too much for people to tolerate back then. They’d have been shot for it. Nowadays we hang you quietly after canceling you publicly? And…they were already still sore about Joe Sr. being so profoundly reckless at the start of WWII. …WWII… Think about it. It makes sense. It’s really not that mysterious. Or he acted alone. Right?

Don’t attack me. Okay? Peaches and buttercups. Unless you have God backing you. Because Satan lies too. *laugh* Right? …Sorry. *eye-roll*

Here’s the thing…Bobby wasn’t necessarily as bad. I don’t think, anyway. And really…they should have just ran him first. But…they couldn’t do that either, I suppose. As gifted and brilliant as they were they weren’t prepared for the roles they pushed for. They just weren’t. He was the only brother who could have truly handled being President possibly (in my opinion) but he had to coddle everyone else’s ego first and then he got massacred for it in front of his poor family because people hated his family at large so much…possibly. How fun! (Note sarcasm)

Poor Saoirse.

Poor Maeve. Poor Gideon. Poor Michael. Poor Mary. Poor David…

Poor Lem?