A man who’s Lacey’s friend: Let’s examine this for a second.
Lacey’s neighbors…called the police ON HER WRITING. …She scared her neighbors, who…are…the upper-middle class ladies-who-lunch type. She scared them…so much…that THEY CALLED THE POLICE. …They called the police. About her writing.
What’s Lacey writing about? Israel. Russia. And the Illuminati.
Her family’s wealth. Social class.
And her upper middle class…white neighbors…called the police.
That’s BAD-ASS.
And no. She barely talked with her neighbors. Her husband barely talked with them. They’re very respectful and respectable people. It was this blog…that set off her NEIGHBORHOOD.
This…blog.
And these are Liberals. …Democrats.
A bunch of white, well-off, Democrats…called the police…because of what she wrote. And no, she’s a housewife, white, well-off, elegant…stable…and not a terrorist. Lacey’s a devout Christian.
THINK ABOUT IT.
That’s BADD…ASSS!!
*Weird silence*
Casi, have you had the police called on you?
Casi: Yes.
A friend: For what you write?
Casi: No.
Arnold: Her neighbors called the police, because she said she was going to call the police! She’s not a bad-ass.
Lacey: No! I wasn’t going to kill my kids. This blog is mostly fictional. The posts that aren’t are labeled as such. First of all. It’s based on non-fiction and objective truth, but it’s not…non-fiction, unless I’ve said so.
Second of all, it was after I found out I was being targeted by Israel. Bibi Netanyahu was trying to kidnap me and my whole family and make us slaves. …We had just gone hiking. And when we went to the restroom there was a group of people milling about and talking. And…I felt physically threatened. It felt like they were cornering us in the bathroom, as a family. And one of them had a dog. …This is at a state park.
…They left us alone. Eventually. But…it was TERRIFYING.
And then that night…Bibi told me…it was a threat. That I needed to back-off about Israel.
I haven’t had a problem since.
But…I was terrified.
So Lem showed-up and we talked. And he said, he could try to make our hearts stop beating. As a ghost–
Lacey’s neighbors: SHE IS A FAKE!!!
She forces her British accent!
She forces it!
God: No. She doesn’t.
Lacey’s neighbors: We’re casual. We’re calm.
We’re real wealth.
We were just afraid that out of desperation and loneliness as a crazy icky poor person…she would resort to actually killing her kids. …Like…when Lem didn’t do it. Because he’s not real. Because ghosts aren’t real.
Bibi: It was also after she described her family’s wealth.
In detail.
Bobby: And I telepathically told you to.
I used a goat sacrifice to conjure demons to command you. To call the police.
I can’t do it. But…I got in your heads.
Lacey’s neighbors: Her fake wealth…doesn’t impress me.
I don’t give a shit about such trifling matters. I care about real life.
I was just worried for her and her family!!!
*They clutch their pearls, and gasp*
Lem: She’s not a crazy person.
And you seem illiterate.
…Didn’t you understand that Bibi was trying to sell her family into sex trafficking?
Lacey’s neighbors: I guess.
Lem: No! You were supposed to keep the context of what she wrote in mind. When you read the post.
Lacey’s neighbors: Israel isn’t selling people into sex slavery!
A Palestinian: Oh really!?
Lacey’s neighbors: No. I don’t think the nice, friendly nation of Israel-
I mean…-
Her husband is a Jew. Why would they do that?
Bibi: This is true! That would be particularly evil.
Lacey’s neighbors: Well, anyway, she’s not that important! She’s a huge nobody. …Why would a stupid nobody be targeted by the big important country of Israel!? She’s a delusional narcissist! A heinous freak!
And I was worried as real lady…that she was going to kill her kids.
Look! If she was a real rich woman…she’d impress me. I’m not impressed. I’m SOOO not impressed. …And I have A HUGE house.
Lem: You have a $620,000.00 house. It’s not that big.
Lacey’s neighbors: But she’s so desperate to make a fight with me. She’s a cunt!
And I’m the impressive one!!! I’m REAL.
So…after she made up stuff that hurt my feelings-
The CIA: That was obviously all real.
Lacey’s neighbors: Well…it felt forced.
Lem: Forced?
Lacey’s neighbors: Why- Why is she so desperate to impress me!? Clearly I’m the one who’s threatening!
So…like a sane, educated, rational lady…I called the police.
Lem: You misunderstood. A lot.
She isn’t writing this blog for you.
Lacey’s neighbors: Then who would it be for!?
I’m her neighbor!!
Lem: Her readers.
Lacey’s neighbors: She has no friends! She’s as no readers!
She’s not at all important like me!!!
*She sticks her nose up in the air*
Lem: No!! She’s had subscriptions for a decade.
People were reading this blog! A lot of people.
Lacey’s neighbors: Well! What if she killed her kids!?!
Lem: I was going to stop their hearts from beating as a ghost…before they could be sold into a sex trafficking ring. By Israel.
Lacey’s neighbors: You can’t do that though! You’re a ghost! And ghosts aren’t REAL!
Lem: Then why call the police?
Oh!! Because she’s crazy?!
Lacey’s neighbors: Yes.
No one would write about killing their children! That’s egregious!
Lem: So…you’d let your family be sold into sex rings? Even if you were warned ahead of time? Just to keep up appearances? And not shock anyone?
Listen to “Come As You Are” by Nirvana.
Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Lem: Okay.
That was the context.
Lacey: I was scared Israel was “selling my family into a human trafficking ring”.
Lacey’s neighbors: But…this is way too close to non-fiction!!!
Lacey’s: That’s the whole point of parody. At times. It’s…cathartic and useful.
It is fiction. But it’s based on…real life.
Names matter at times.
Spiritually. And psychologically.
A man: So why didn’t you “sell them”?
Bibi: Do you think there’s no Illuminati?
Lacey’s neighbors: Oh! I doubt it!
It’s a nifty idea. …But…I doubt it.
*She grins*
Bibi: It’s real.
*He laughs*
…Why didn’t I sell her? …Because I’m not totally evil. And she’s not a fool.
People protest Israel all of the time. That’s fine. But…I believe in reincarnation. Okay? As a Jew. …And, she scares ME.
I couldn’t have her running around disavowing the entire nation of Israel.
Lacey: He helped me pick out crystal wine glasses for my birthday. After it all happened.
I think we’re fine?
Listen to “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia.
*Later*
Lacey’s neighbors: And then Charlie Kirk got shot.
…So…why-
Was he who you shot instead of Lacey?
Charlie Kirk: No.
It’s not that simple, unfortunately.
Lacey’s neighbors: *Roll their eyes, and shake their heads*
Listen to “Guilty” by Al Bowlly.
Charlie Kirk: …I’m a double agent.
Lacey’s…not.
She was raised by Republicans. Who…had oil. …And…the Bush family almost sent her to Russia. But…decided against it. And…she just slept through school instead.
Seamless. Poetic.
Don Rumsfeld: We…knew some real geniuses. Back in the day.
Charlie Kirk: She settled down. Got married.
The song ends.
Listen to “Hot Blooded” by New Constellations.
Charlie Kirk: I had my hand in two separate camps.
0:60
Ukraine: WHO?
Charlie Kirk: Okay.
So…Tucker Carlson can almost get away with it, but not like Lacey. Lacey is real. And she…carries her card. Everywhere she goes. …Tucker does not. He claims to be a “red blooded American man”.
She’s a PROUD British aristocrat. Damn proud.
So…Bibi understood. And understands. It’s just about what’s right.
She’s-
She feels guilty.
Very guilty.
And…so she can get away with…love for Palestine. Real love. …Because he understands. He’s a very intelligent man.
I’m not operating from that framework. …And he can’t and couldn’t tell who or what I support.
I was…trying to support both sides. And…it got bad. Because…I started actually hurting myself.
Palestine: What happened?
Charlie: *Rolls his eyes*
*Looks pained*
I wanted personal success. First and foremost.
That was my biggest mistake. I was too concerned about my own personal gain.
And…while war profiteers are…allowed…I think…it’s dangerous territory. And…I went too far.
Listen to “The Less I know The Better” by Tame Impala.
Elliott: So…who actually shot you?
Charlie: Well…here’s the shocker. It was Ukraine.
And-
Bobby: UKRAINE!?
Charlie: Yes…
Bibi: Why not us?
Charlie: Let me just out that…I AM DEAD.
I AM A GHOST.
…Stop being so selective. …She’s either real or she’s not.
*He waits*
And of course it’s obvious I’m real. You can tell.
…Stop LYING.
Anyway. …Yes, it was Ukraine.
Why? …*He rolls his eyes*
…They needed me to be okay with child trafficking. Okay? …Because…to be honest? I had profited off it. A lot of famous people did.
Listen to “Waterfall” by Vök.
Charlie Kirk: I made…thousands.
And I’d looked the other way, because…well…I felt I had to. To fit in. To be taken seriously. …To not scare people. To not make people nervous.
But I double crossed them. Out of…conscience. …It’s VILE. …And decided to put my foot down. Say no.
And…Israel was…unable to protect me. Because I stabbed them in the back.
Sometimes Jews have moral qualms with human trafficking. And…traffickers…let them get away with it. Because Israel strong-arms them into it. It’s a matter of faith, to them.
So you can…object. As a good Jew.
But I went out on…a limb. Independent. Free…
Bibi: And they shot you?
Charlie: Yes.
I made…Ukraine…angry.
Bibi: Why?
Charlie: I suppose…because…I was trying to help Iran. And…Russia.
Lacey’s neighbor: I don’t get it.
Why does Lacey always get away with it!?
Lem: Well…you called the police. So…
The Saint Paul Police: We aren’t interested. This isn’t our bag.
Lacey’s neighbors: But…didn’t she do the same thing!??
Charlie: I made money.
Lacey’s neighbors: But she has oil!!!
Charlie: Yes.
Ukraine isn’t mad about oil.
Lacey’s neighbors: Well, they should be.
Listen to “Midnight City” by M83.
Jack Schlossberg: There is no Royal Dawn.
It’s A MYTH.
Russia: We aren’t having a fight over oil. Per se.
Zelensky: Says no. I say no.
There are…accusations. People say my country was involved in human trafficking.
*He shrugs*
But…we aren’t…in a fight over oil. Not this time.
Lacey: Why did you all mess-up the Celtic Dawn?
Jack Schlossberg: IT WAS NOT ME.
I swear.
Arnold: NONE OF THIS IS REAL!
Full-disclosure.
This is all sheer stupidity and lies.
Lacey: Why are we “waiting in the cah”?
Scotland: Yeah…
Lacey: “The city is mah church?” I don’t think so!!!
NOT ME.
2:22
Jack Schlossberg: I didn’t make the mess.
Lacey: I know.
Caroline: DO NOT BE NICE TO HER!
Jack Schlossberg: OH, SHUT-UP!’
Jackie Kennedy: He’s right.
Jack Schlossberg is right. This time. …It’s sad. He’s not JFK. He’s Jack Schlossberg.
Lacey: “Oh no. Let’s keep rehashing the past!” Why? People made mistakes in the past. Horrible mistakes.
Arnold: Because they’re dead. And dead people don’t exist.
So you honor them. And you claim their energy as your own.
It’s perfectly normal.
Listen to “ Cherry” by Chromatics.
Arnold: I am…like Lem Billings.
But I’m not him.
Bobby: *Nods*
*Smiles*
Arnold: I can dress in his clothes.
Okay?
But…he’s gone.
Bobby: *Drunk, laughs and claps his hands, smiling.*
Arnold: It’s fine.
He’s not Jack Kennedy. I know that. …Any sane person knows that.
A reader: Do you take Lem’s clothes off?
Arnold: *Laughs*
I have to. Eventually. Right? *He jokes.*
Bobby: Or I’ll eat him!
*He laughs*
Arnold: No. He won’t-
Bobby: I WILL MAKE YOU!
Arnold: Ha!!
Bobby: I like Lem’s sweater…
Arnold: I am…a model. Non?
*He forces a laugh*
Bobby: Well.
I could be a model too.
Listen to “The Power (12” Version)” by SNAP!.
Bobby: DANCE!!!
Arnold: *Dances*
Bobby: Good.
Arnold: You know, it’s not that difficult.
Bobby: I know. I do well too…
1:30
Lacey: Do you?
1:51
Bobby: YES!!!
Lacey: Really though!?
Bobby: YES!!!
I twerk just as well as Arnold.
2:36
Lacey: I’m not so sure. Arnold is a professional.
Bobby: No.
*He laughs*
*He stands-up and starts twerking, next to Arnold*
3:40
Lacey: Arnold…is…-
Bobby: *Desperately shakes his whole body*
4:24
Lacey: Yeah.
It’s just…-
The song plays.
*Bobby has to sit down, he’s winded and shaking.*
The song ends.
Tim Walz: *Claps for the two men. To cheer both of them on.*
The song restarts.
A Green Party spokesman, in Minnesota: I love…a good, healthy competition.
Lacey: I agree.
A Green Party spokesman: Lacey…why vote for us? Like you did. …If you actually love war?
Lacey: I love actual war. It’s not…”good”? But it’s…sometimes holy.
A Somalian Muslim: *Dances well*
Agreed!
Lacey: You actually are dancing really well.
A Somalian: I’m not dumb. You can too.
Lacey: I can. I never do in public.
A Somalian: Good!
The song restarts.
A Somalian: It looks…Egyptian. Not…masculine.
Lacey: Yes.
A Somalian: Not for public!
Lacey: Yes.
A Black woman: Are these white people…funny to you?
Lacey: I am white.
Are you?
A Black woman: No. Well…I have some white ancestry.
Lacey: From the gutter?
A Black woman: *Stops and thinks*
Lacey: I’m so sick of you people trying to play me.
Go back to peasant Dublin…you clown.
A Black woman: Are you calling me an Oreo?
Lacey: Are you?
A Black woman: You cannot be Black.
Lacey: OH!
Okay.
Then…what are we even talking about!?!
A Black woman: You’re white trash!
Lacey: Ha! You’re an Irish peasant? Who’s threatened by me? Called it.
I’m not white trash…
A Black woman: But I’m Black.
This isn’t fair.
I’m A REAL BLACK PERSON!!!
It’s impossible I’d be feeling egotistical, as a white person.
Lacey: What’s your point then?
A Black woman: Do Africans have a beef with her!??
Charlie Kirk: No.
The song restarts.
A Black woman: But I’m Black.
Lacey: Then what’s your point?
The song plays.
Bibi: You’re here to help your white sisters?
A Black woman: Yes.
Bibi: And…she’s not one of them?
A Black woman: *Thinks*
I didn’t think that through…
Lacey: I KNOW!!!!
You’re making Black peoples look STUPID.
3:09
Akhenaten: *Laughs*
A reader: So…you were going to…sell SCOTIA?
Bibi: *Laughs*
Moses: *Dances to the song*
The song restarts.
Moses: He got the power.
1:26
Lacey: *Smiles*
Bibi: I didn’t actually do it!
Moses: Good.
2:05
Lacey: Did I know you?
Moses: No!
I don’t think so?
Lacey: Funny…
Bibi: *Laughs*
3:53
A Black woman, also from Africa (?): Why are they thinking I’m stupid?
The song ends.
Lacey: *Thinks*
You’re too happy. …They’re taking advantage of your happiness.
When Black people are happy…they’re happy. And…vulnerable. I’m like that too, but I’m not Black.
It’s something about…our kind of happiness. It’s- They catch us off-guard.
A New Age Black perfume collector: You’re right.
Lacey: Yes.
I think that’s part of what happened to me in the perfume community.
A Somalian man in Minnesota: It’s not so simple?
Lacey: Yeah…
A Somalian man in Minnesota: We…were tired of being poor.
Lacey: At first I wondered if Tim Walz was running a charity.
*She laughs with a group of Somalian men.*
Lacey: Some…half-baked scheme to…reappropriate wealth, in Minnesota.
A Somalian man in Minnesota: No. He got in trouble.
Lacey: I’m disappointed.
A Somalian: *Laughs*
No. I’m sorry.
The song restarts.
Lacey’s neighbors: I think you’re misunderstanding us. We’re not those people.
Lacey: I love those people!
A Black woman: So…the white “sisters” look dumber than before. I seem…naive. …But…you destroyed me.
*She thinks*
I’m not that…-
An Ancient African: We weren’t as grand as Egypt. …Just like Germany…wasn’t as grand as Great Britain. …But…we were glorious.
Lacey: Oh! More than Germany.
Black Africa…was…extraordinary.
Ben Yusef: We were.
It’s true.
The song restarts.
Lacey: This song? Is AFRICAN.
It’s only convincing…because it’s African.
A dead Black gang member: AMEN!!!
*He dances, well.*
Lacey: I GOT THE POWER!
*She sings*
2:40
A dead Black gang member: That’s an Egyptian beat.
Lacey: AYE!
3:39
Charlie Kirk: Egypt was pretty white. …Sorry,
Tom Banks: It was almost entirely white.
And it wasn’t a problem. Until people in the Modern World decided it was.
Joe Kennedy Junior: *Sitting in a car*
*Waiting*
4:00
Tom Banks: What are you waiting for?
Joe Kennedy Junior: FUCK YOU!
*He gets out of the car, slams the door and looks ready to fight.*
Listen to “Harvest Time” by Thomas Newman, from the film, Little Women.
The song plays.
*Joe, fumes.*
1:00
Tom: What’s the matter? Princess?
The song ends.
Joe Kennedy Junior: I’m not a woman.
*He pouts*
Tom: Right.
Sweetie, what is the matter?
Joe Kennedy Junior: *Blinks*
Listen to “Maria Redowa” from the soundtrack to Little Women.
Joe Kennedy Junior: *Fumes, enraged*
I’m-
*cries, deeply embarrassed*
I’m NOT A GIRL!! *he screams*
I’m NOT!!!
Listen to “Letter from Jo” by Thomas Newman.
Tom: Then why do you give men sex?
Joe: *Thinks*
We don’t.
Tom: Then what was David Pitts thinking?
Joe: Well…gay men can enjoy…giving another sexual pleasure-
*He panics*
But…it’s not gay. For the man receiving it.
Tom: But it’s a man’s body. Giving the pleasure.
Joe: You can’t tell!!!
I swear!!!
Tom: No. That’s not possible.
You can tell.
Look. If you can’t tell…you maybe should be more concerned about a lot of things.
There’s a difference. And…it’s a moot point anyway, because you know going in. You KNOW. You can’t forget a thing like that.
To a real straight man…it’s DISGUSTING. “Bro Jobs” are an egotistical fantasy of closeted homophobes.
The song ends.
Listen to “Limes” by Thomas Newman.
The song ends.
Lacey: Blimey.
*Joe stands near a car, in Harvard Yard.*
Listen to “Brutus” by The Buttress.
Lacey: Maybe…I’m not as…criminal as my dad. …But I’m also not as NICE.
I’m just being honest.
I’m kind. But…Margy was…a VIKING.
Joe: I’m Brutus.
Lacey: DUH.
Joe: You’re obliterating my whole family??
Lacey: You all wanted it? Cool.
I’m down!
Let’s rip this shit.
Joe: That’s not sexual.
Lacey: No.
Listen to “i like the way you kiss me” by Artemas.
Joe: Then what is it?
Lacey: Well…fire and swords. “Shit like that”.
1:39
Joe: So…-
Nothing sexual?
Lacey: No.
Just…fire and swords.
Joe: *Smiles*
Really though!?
Lacey: Yes!
Joe: But…-
We were the same age. And we found each other attractive…
I was irresistible. They did that because of me. And my dad…to some degree. I was the real player.
Lacey: I don’t care, Joe.
We moved beyond that.
Joe: No!
Couples never move beyond that!
Lacey: Well! I did.
1:09
Joe: You were attached!
Lacey: Yes. But you completely ruined it.
Joe: *He thinks*
*He freaks-out*
Lacey: It’s cool.
It’s fire and swords now. Different beat. Same venue.
Arnold: Ghosts aren’t real!!
We’re fine.
They are…like a mist.
Listen to “Cigarettes out the Window” by TV Girl.
Joe: Well. You made me jealous.
Lacey: Because you cheated. Not me.
Joe: But that can’t be right-
God knew-
The agreement was for both our sakes!
Lacey: Men are commanded to love. You broke that command. You broke the agreement.
Joe: People could take that too far…but okay. You’re not.
Lacey: Yeah.
Why are you overcomplicating it?
Listen to “Bang Bang Bang Bang” by Sohodolls.
Joe: *Thinks*
The song plays.
Lacey: What’s wrong? Isn’t sex…everything?
*She cuts off his head with a sword?*
Lacey: It’s okay. Arnold. He’s just…a mist.
It’s nothing.
Kids? Ha? Just like…a sword…at his throat.
Bang…bang…bang…bang….
Sexy!
*She laughs*
But…you’ll never see any of them ever again. So…why care?
Satan: I’M NOT REAL.
It’s COOL.
Right?
God: Just a warning from Hell’s…ruler.
The song restarts.
Lacey: Molestation? To save a country?
What IDIOT came up with that?
Satan: That’s adult sexuality. Kids never possess that.
Lacey: That’s MINE.
As an adult.
Joe: What does it mean?
I don’t understand.
Lacey: She’s very sexy. Or it’s a parody on molestation culture.
But…even as she’s a sexy woman. Maybe a young woman. Although, not necessarily.
But she’s mocking him. I think. Subtly.
Joe: Because I get attached?
Lacey: Yes.
She’s mocking evil. And the patriarchy.
She’s “kicking-ass”. Or…poetically…grieving…the frailty of the human condition.
Joe: She is.
Listen to “Space Song” by Beach House.
Lacey: I understood about Pat. Why did you have to do it in such vile way?
Joe: Because.
I was being loyal to Jack.
And…I hate…how…sweet, I am.
Lacey: Jack isn’t sweet.
Joe: No. But I am.
Lacey: YEAH.
Which is why I get Pat.
Joe: *Smiles*
She’s…so cool.
Lacey: Is she?
Joe: *Thinks*
I’m proud to be a dead Irish peasant. If there’s reincarnation. By the way.
*He smiles*
Yes.
Lacey: How?
Joe: *Smiles*
She’s…not made for me. I denied God’s will. And I’ve suffered for it.
AI| Play Transgender by Crystal Castles.
Joe: But…she’s…intelligent.
Lacey: And you still love her?
Joe: *Thinks*
Yes.
2:44
The song ends.
Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.
A reader: Did Jack give Lacey his relationship with Joe?
God: Yes.
Somewhat. He cut a lot of deals with Satan.
Satan: *Cracks-up laughing*
He thought he was sleeping with me.
A gay man: Jack Kennedy believed he had you in his pocket? Through sex?
Satan: Yes.
We never slept together. But demon fooled him into thinking it was real. And…he believed he was using me.
He got used to women who fell for him, and lost their minds. And he didn’t fully understand what they were feeling. So he started to assume that one second with him…in bed…was…deadly.
*He laughs. And then, sickened, vomits.*
The song ends.
Lacey: So he assumed he was…rendering Satan helpless.
What did you two do?
Satan: *Laughs*
This song is hilarious.
*He tries to grab Lacey’s chest. She avoids him. *
He thought we were-
You know? All the gay stuff.
Lacey: What?
Satan: Oral.
Hugging.
Kissing? Somewhat.
…Mostly the…full bag.
Lacey: Jiggy-Jiggy?
Satan: Yes.
He’s an embarrassment to Ireland.
He’s a dumb, vain twat.
Bobby: He’s not even gay.
You’re funny, Satan!
*Laughs*
Arnold: Don’t worry! SATAN IS LACEY’S sexual FANTASY!
The CIA: The whole time!?
Iran: *Laughs*
Trump: Right.
You can’t say that.
You can’t-
Satan predates this conversation…
Arnold: *Looks confused*
Restart “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”.
Satan: Hi.
*He waves at Arnold*
Arnold: You think this fun!?
You think this is funny!?
I’m getting embarrassed.
*He says to someone.*
TAKE OUT THE TRASH!! *He yells, pointing at Lacey.*
Satan: I’ll take her out.
Arnold: *Looks flustered*
You aren’t real.
*He laughs, incredulously.*
Lacey: *Dances, mostly silly*
Lem: Watches as Arnold…laughs at Lacey. Smug. Albeit aging.
Arnold: You noticed I was aging?
Lem: Yes. You look…awful.
Arnold: *Looks offended.*
No. I’m fine. He isn’t real.
Anyway, that’s weird…you noticed my skin!
*He cracks-up laughing*
Charlie Kirk: *Screams, in profound anger*
Lacey: It’s amazing how dumb they are.
Charlie: YES!!!!
FUCK!!!!
