I don’t write everything.
Is any of the following true? Can you tell me?
Jack knew Lem was straight but used him anyway. And he was the aggressor…not Lem. But Lem was naive. So naive. And he thought he was gay…and hated himself. Faked it. Because he was molested in his teen years and it made him think he was…gay. Because he had a physiological response. And he wanted sex. …So Jack used him. Over and over. And supported Lem’s delusion…because Jack thought he had a similar delusion. *laugh*
Jack genuinely longed for women on occasion and so he thought he was the same way Lem was. And…he likely wanted to be straight and so he narcissistically assumed he too was “confused and straight.” Maybe he thought he was less weird and messed-up though, because he didn’t act gay like Lem. He got married too. And screwed lots of women. …And made Lem handle all of it. Just to remind Lem who was really in charge. No matter how cold Lem got…Jack felt in control. The boss. And it was some comfort…
But unlike Lem he may not have been straight and confused…and so he also thought they were secretly in love. Like…really in love. And yet when Lem protested passively or otherwise he took that as confirmation that he too was straight or it hurt much too much. He didn’t let Lem be himself because he couldn’t without falling apart. So he narcissistically used Lem to psychologically believe he was both truly lovable…by a beloved spouse…however cold…and yet also magically straight…somewhere. He too…was “faking it.” Just like (hot) Lemmers!
Yet…Lem let him down. No matter how much he helped him. Saved him. Because when it came down to it…he wasn’t true to him. And he could be pushed around too much. And he’d…run off if he let him. Brilliant. Careless. Capable of living without him entirely? Not needing him at all really? No matter how much wealthier he was. …Faking his obsession. Faking his falsetto. Faking his…affliction. Leaving him alone. In deathly silence. No giggles. No drunken nights together where he could let himself foolishly believe Lem was fully his…possibly forever.
Over and over. He hurt him. Deeply. And given his childhood Jack put up with it. Stoically. It even fascinated him? Because how could this self-avowed “homosexual” who once had thought he loved him (but did not), who acted gay…and needed his help…not love him? Everyone thought he loved him. He could push Lem around and it looked convincing… Jackie bought it! And Jackie was so chic and smart… How could she not know almost anything? …And while he could sense that underneath it all Lem resented it greatly and even maybe truly hated him a little…he still remained loyal. As Jack was Lem’s first. And even though the first in this case was possibly entirely a tragic lie outside of Jack’s mind he still clung to it and so did Lem. And didn’t that mean something profound!? Isn’t that what everyone wanted!?
Lem wanted a profound love. An eternal love. He wanted to give himself once and then forever. And…he’d been tricked by a conniving, vicious, Hellish, soul-sucking child molester. Lobotomized. Fooled into thinking it was a bleak, sexless, mechanical world where you had to fight for love that barely existed. Mechanical pleasure. No desire. Just loyalty and an occasional floppy moment of perverse, depressing, semi-masturbatory so-called bliss…at best. And in fact did not satisfy. What did!? …And so Jack fell madly in love…losing himself…and Lem tried to be at least somewhat faithful subconsciously to the foul priest who controlled them both. Because that’s all both men thought they’d ever have…and they didn’t want to feel their utter helplessness as men. To a priest who wouldn’t go away no matter how many times you played dead. To an eventual cold, heartless death no matter how many times you fought it off.
They were pathetic fools. Both of them. But they also fought hard for a modicum of survival.
Jack was evil. Jack was narcissistic. But he also was truly in love. Heartbroken. A little boy inside who just wanted to be genuinely loved. For real.
And Lem was at his worst a mindless ghoul. By accident. Killing himself and Jack slowly. By accident.
Because Jack would keep going. Just like Joe. Just like his father. He’d ignore any warning signs. Just go with the plan. The plan to win…
I feel relieved when I’m in England. Safe. Should reincarnation be real…Lem might have died in WWI not Joe. And it’s his ghost. It’s his memory of us. Before I was hit by a bus. Drunk. Not dear…Joe.
They were Irish. Not English. Jack…you’re not English. Are you? Stop making eyes at Winston. *wink* Joe could have made a better introduction to him anyway. Through his “secret wife.” Ask Pat…
Or no? What did I get wrong? Does anyone but God know? What if it’s all correct?