Author Archives: L.

Putin discusses his plans to create the “great KABAEVA DYNASTY”.

Putin: I will…torture and murder all the Nesheims.

A North Dakotan: What about the rest of us?

Putin: I will kill you all?

A North Dakotan: All of us?

Putin: Yes.

A North Dakotan: Ahh…how?

Like, logistically, how?

Putin: It’s simple. There aren’t that many people in North Dakota?

North Dakota: Yeah…but there are.

And we’re not Ukrainian.

I’m not saying we’d all survive.

But…I genuinely doubt you’d be able to kill us all.

Putin: I could.

God: No, you couldn’t.

You actually could not.

Putin: BUT I HAVE SCARED THE WORLD! I HAVE SCHOOLED THE WORLD!

I AM GREAT, yes?

Listen to “Desert Rose” plays, by Sting, in Lacey’s room, as she writes this.

God: So you imagine you conquer, North Dakota, killing all North Dakotans.

Then what?

Putin: This isn’t serious!

God: You already demanded we take you deadly seriously.

Putin: I don’t have to take responsibility for reality! SATAN HAS ME COVERED!

Satan: Who in hell gave ALL of you DUMBASSES that idea!?

That seems to be the only prevailing ideology of the moment.

Pedophiles: We had something to do with it.

Satan: Yes.

But it can’t have been just you.

Pedophile in secret society: I’ve discerned that.

Satan: Do any of you care? At all?

Melania: No. We are rich people.

Satan: Ahh.

And rich people don’t have to worry?

Alina: Yes! We all saw it the movies.

Satan: But that was Hollywood.

No one has ever corrected your stupidity? All these decades?

Alina: What stupidity?

We are fine.

God: Do any of you have any idea how much your MASSIVE stupidity irritates some people?

Alina: He’s just in love with me. It’s cool, God.

Chill out!

God: This isn’t a video game, Alina.

Alina: I am fine.

My kids are fine.

That’s all rich people care about. And I am a rich person.

God: You saw that in the movies?

Alina: Yes!

I am rich person, now.

Putin: THEN I WILL KILL ALL OF NORTH DAKOTA!

God: To create the Kabaeva Dynasty?

Putin: Yes.

God: Okay!

Let’s hear more!

Putin: I will kill all of North Dakota.

And then I will…

Umm…

*he’s stumped*

Ahh…

I will…send Lacey to prison.

Listen to “Guardians At the Gate” by Audiomachine.

Putin: I AM AN ATHEIST!

God: No, you are not.

Putin: Okay.

I get more tail when I say that.

But whatever-

I will murder ALL OF NORTH DAKOTA.

God: Then what?

Putin: I Will…kill ALL of North Dakota.

God: My goodness!

Then what?

Putin: I will…-

I will kiss Lacey!

…

I will kiss her.

…

Umm…

Maybe not.

She’s being tortured. In a prison. In a dark cave with snakes.

Lem: Who kill her?

Putin: Yes.

Lem: SWEET!

Putin: WAIT!

Why is he excited?

Lem: Because she’s dead.

Putin: That’s bad!

God: Why would that be bad for him? He’s a ghost.

Casi: I can’t handle this anymore.

I’m sorry.

Are these people really this…stupid?

God: Yes.

Putin: I will kill her. Slowly.

Lem: You couldn’t kill her that slowly. She’d just die.

Putin: I will make her vomit. On my stupidity. *he cries*

God: She’d have a stroke.

Putin: Okay.

Then I will just take pleasure in shooting her.

With a gun.

Casi: *laughs*

Putin: Okay.

Lacey is shot.

And all North Dakota is dead.

Listen to “Let Her Go” as performed by Vitamin String Quartet.

God: Are you mad she prefers Lem? Yes.

Putin: I had a bigger crush than that.

God: But…

Lacey: *rolls her eyes*

He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me.

OBVIOUSLY!

Let’s move on.

God: She earnestly believes that. That you numb your heart, or never cared to begin with.

It fascinates her. But that’s all. You’re dead to her. And she means that kindly.

Lord Loughborough: That’s my personality.

Let’s move on.

I want to hear more about the Kabaeva Dynasty.

Lacey: *looks excited*

Putin: But isn’t that heartless!?

Lacey: No!

You’re not a child.

What difference does it make, outside of honor? You made your choices. Fine.

You don’t care.

I fully understand.

*she smiles, peacefully*

Casi: I’m not like that at all.

Lacey: Well, it’s painful. But I can do it.

Let’s move on! *she says, cheerfully*

Zelensky: I AGREE!

Lacey: I want to hear more about the Kabaeva Dynasty!

Pedophile: To clarify, Lacey isn’t one of us. She means that she cares about children, like a parent.

Lacey: Thank you. I would think that would be obvious. But apparently it isn’t.

Lem: I want to hear more too.

So you torture Lacey or no?

Putin: Yes.

Lem: And our kids?

Putin: Yes.

Putin: And our friend, Mark. I’m sure.

Alina: *nods, smiling like a dummy*

Putin: They all die. In two months. Horrifying abuse.

God: Mmm…not so fast.

They all die…in a week.

Mark and Lacey take an overdose of Iron. As do her kids. And they all die within a week.

In horrible misery. Although, I give them grace.

But…they’re dead within a week.

Alina: Okay! *cheerfully*

Putin: *looks worried*

Alina: Then what. I can handle this! I am a rich person! …A professional! *she says, seriously*

God: So…all of North Dakota is dead.

Alina: *nods*

God: Why do you keep making such fools of yourselves?!?

Chris: *crying in his wife’s lap*

Listen to “Heart of Courage” by Two Steps From Hell.

Lacey and her family, and all of North Dakota, or possibly most of North Dakota, is dead.

A dead Nigerian: I wish I had iron. That’s BRILLIANT.

God: She’s brilliant.

Let’s hear more about the Kabaeva Dynasty.

Listen to “Death Is the Road to Awe” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.

Lem: Lacey and I are sitting down for dinner. In Great Britain. Our kids are playing with Mark and his wife.

We’re GREAT. But we’re concerned.

Hayden: I can’t watch!

Alina and Putin: *Look concerned*

Chris: I DIE NEXT!

I can tell that’s what I’d do.

*His whole family dies*

And at that millions of Liberals in the West, euthanize themselves and their loved ones.

What’s left is a sorry mess.

And at that, all of North Dakota dies.

Followed by all of South Dakota.

Followed by all of Germany, or most of it. They fully understand. …They understand too well.

5:52

Zelensky: I die too. With my family.

The song ends.

A perfume collector: She’s crazy!

God: Lacey?

A perfume collector: Yes!

You can’t do that!

This blog is stupid. I’m sorry, but it is!

And so, it turns out, all of Minnesota dies. Or tries to. Followed by Great Britain.

The perfume collector: Wait!

All are these people committing suicide!?

NO!

God: Yes!

The perfume collector: Oh WOW!

Okay.

*he stares in shock*

Casi: Have you been reading!?

The perfume collector: Yeah??? Kind of.

I skim.

It’s the only bearable way to read this shit!

…

And at that, most of Europe chooses to die.

China follows them.

Actually, within a year, all that’s left of the whole world…is…most of North Korea…(not all)…India…(with a wink?)…and…-

Chris: I don’t think this works.

I mean, I don’t think the KABAEVA DYNASTY works.

So it’s most of North Korea…India?…and…a few people in Florida…and…parts of South America.

That’s pretty much all.

Like…a billion people…at most. More like…half a billion?

Earth: I love it.

But…it’s shocking.

I’d go into shock.

They would create an ice age. Or close to it.

Listen to “Leave A Message” by Mary J. Blige.

Imagine Putin, Zelensky, Biden, and several other world leaders, riding around in an atv. In North Dakota.

They drive by Lacey’s first cousin’s 10,000 sq. ft. house.

They listening to Mary J. Blige.

“I love this music!” yells Zelensky, trying to be heard over the wind.

Putin acts cold and tough. Totally nonchalant.

Chris Hayes, of MSNBC, joins them.

He turns the music to “U Should’ve Known Better” by Monica. Begins to sing along with it.

Chris: Okay. Lacey’s not lying. That is a big house.

Putin: My house is FAR bigger! *he sounds insecure*

Chris: *feels confident, because Putin has a bigger house*

Zelensky: You guys, let’s go back to the country club. And fly home?

Chris: No, I’m not done yet!!

Let’s go piss in their yard!!! *he says, excitedly*

*he laughs, a high-pitched, naturally not-straight giggle*

Putin: *joins Chris and drunkenly dances*

Zelensky: YOU TWO SHOULD KISS!

Chris: I am…intrigued, sir!

Putin: *walks, awkwardly and stiffly back to the atv, very irritated*

Chris: Where you going man? Let’s have fun!

Zelensky: The pee party in Saudi Arabia didn’t make him happier.

*he pouts, in sympathy*

Chris: I feel you! It’s a human rights issue?

Zelensky: *shakes his head no* No! My boy just don’t like pee.

He says it’s stinky.

Putin: *Very dryly and stiffly, sits. Prim as can be. Icy cold. Staring straight ahead, in the back seat of the atv.*

Chris: We all grew-up poor. Let’s be honest!

Zelensky and Putin: *look offended*

Chris: Let’s be honest!

We ALL…GREW-UP…POOR.

*Chris turns up, “Real Love” by Mary J. Blige.*

Zelensky and Putin: *look dour and icy cold, both sitting in the back of the atv*

Chris: *starts dancing in his seat, almost twerking, while he lip-synchs*

Putin: *laughs*

You are a good dancer!

I like it!

You get down!

*Putin stands-up and tries to dance in the atv*

Zelensky: *A true Millennial, just sits awkwardly, in silence, watching*

Chris: *not knowing how to react, but not wanting to offend Putin, just stupidly watches him, dumbfounded*

*All three men, are in the atv, in a lovely, perfectly mowed, grassy space at the bottom of a large hill. They stare-up at Lacey’s cousin’s house. It’s a lovely summer day.*

Zelensky: *plays along*

Putin: Let’s go piss!

Come on, Chris!

Let’s go pee on the lawn!

Zelensky: *Waits in the atv*

*yes, Zelensky is wearing all black, as usual*

*Putin, gets out of the atv and drunkenly marches up the lawn with Chris.*

Chris: Where?

Putin: How about we go pee on their house!

*Yes, those are two adult, tall white men.*

God: Let’s clarify that no one has ever really been honest when they’ve seen this photo. She’s shared it many times.

This is a HUGE new house. Completely owned by her family.

Listen to “O Fortuna” by Elgar, as performed by the London Symphony Orchestra.

Putin: It’s a fairly new house.

Chris: Well…they built it ten years ago. So…*he acts totally unimpressed*

Putin: I’m not going to laugh, Chris. I was once a poor man too.

Chris: So was I.

So was I!

Putin: We could build ten thousand homes! Just like this!

*he laughs*

Chris: Yeah! TEN THOUSAND!

Putin: We have THE WHOLE WORLD!

HOW DARE THESE FOOLS…EXIST!

Chris: Yeah!

How dare these fools exist!

Putin and Chris take out their genitals and began to pee.

A neighborhood Karen spots them. Calls the police.

And as the two men, drunkenly roll down the grassy hill, towards Zelensky who waits in an atv…the North Dakota State Police, arrive.

And handcuff the two men.

Zelensky: *watching from the atv, in shock, tries to decide what to do*

*He eventually decides to just…drive back to the country club. And fly back home. Like he had suggested, an hour earlier.*

Lem: Why don’t the police recognize them? Because they just don’t.

Why doesn’t Zelensky get caught?

Because he wasn’t noticed.

You’d be SHOCKED.

…

Listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” as performed by Freddy Martin.

Zelensky rides, silently, back to his home. Coolly. Drinking a gin, iced. On his private plane.

Is he sad? Yes. But he’s used to this.

The song plays.

1:53

And plays.

A Lovely Princess: This is why I’m a Satanist. Stuff like this.

Make sense?

Listen to “Tonight We Love” as performed by Freddy Martin.

It’s HEARTBREAKING.

And so we see Putin and Chris…in jail, now. Calling their lawyers.

It’s all kept hush-hush.

Of course.

Except…that was supposed to mean something.

Listen to “New York, New York” as performed by Frank Sinatra & Tony Bennett.

As loose and “carefree” as men in the 20th century became…things, like written words, were still supposed to symbolize…something. And yet, when Epstein ate babies…literally…that almost completely flew out the window. Almost.

“It depends on what the meaning of the word is is.” said Bill Clinton, in defense. And they ate it up.

It’s a MORONIC argument. But they were too stupid, arrogant and backward…to see through it, and get WORRIED.

He genuinely attacked the English language. And it went right over everyone’s head. He genuinely attacked ALL civilized societal symbols…and it went right over their heads. Because they thought it was “cool and sophisticated” as the New Money American elite.

Of course, Zelensky is riding in style. Don’t forget. With his expensive iced gin. But..not all people are so…shrewd. Like Jim from The Office.

Sometimes New Money was…sublime. …It’s the trouble spots…that are…truly terrifying.

Later, on Putin’s private jet:

Putin: I KICK ASS!

Did you see how scared those people were!?

Chris: YEAH!

*he laughs*

Putin: Where did Joe and Zelensky go?

Chris: Joe fell out. *he shrugs*

Putin: *totally unfazed, but cognizant*

Chris: Zelensky must have gone home!

Putin: Ja!

Say, we really did it!

Chris: Yeah!

We should have raped them!

A reader:

WHAT!? Raped!?

God: Yes.

That’s what they’d say.

Putin: Yeah!

Because-

*he burps*

*farts*

*stretches out his legs*

Because, her family is ANNOYING.

Chris: Yeah.

WE SHOW THEM!

Putin: He’s my buddy.

Friend of my wife.

We peed on their house.

God: Ahh!

So you feel that you should be what? Worshipped?

Putin: No.

I’m not a deity.

Chris: Me neither.

God: Then why should you be mad?

Putin: Because they didn’t get the message!

God: What message?

Putin: We PEED… ON THEIR STUPID HOUSE!

We urinated…ON THEIR HOUSE!

Chris: Our wives are in love with us now. I am SO EXCITED!

*he looks thrilled*

Putin: Yes! They are!

My darling-

*he pulls out photos from his wallet of his gymnast wife in her gym clothes*

She is very nice? Huh?

WOW!

Look!

*he beams with pride*

Chris: *reads the room, to see what people are really thinking, but keeps it entirely to himself*

Putin: SHE IS MY WIFE!

*he laughs, as if he’s stunned*

She married me.

Can you BELIEVE IT? ME!?

Chris: *nods*

God: What’s all this about the lawn?

Chris and Putin: *think*

We peed. On the house.

God: Their big house?

Putin: Yeah.

I guess.

My god…you’re a bitch.

God: Excuse me!?

Putin: That’s a PEASANT HOUSE!!

I WOULD NEVER LIVE THERE!

Chris: Yeah!

I would never live there, either!

Putin: We are better men.

God: I’m not going to argue.

What exactly, is this peeing business. Because I know you both, and I know you won’t forget about that.

Putin: I’m going to pee on it again!

God: Now?

Putin: No, obviously not now. You dummy!

God: Okay.

How are we supposed to interpret this then?

Putin: I am declaring war on that whole family.

I will sue them.

Using Joe Biden!

God: You’re declaring WAR on her family?

Putin: YES! On behalf of my wife’s vagina.

Chris: *looks worried*

So you want to sue the Nesheims on behalf of your wife’s vagina?

His wife: *clasps her hands together, clapping excitedly, and jumps up and down, giddy*

Chris: *suddenly, dizzy and nauseous, bends over and vomits*

Putin: I WILL WIN!

I WILL WIN!!

YOU WILL SEE!

I will nuclear weapon explode-

I will blow-up THE HOUSE.

Satan: It wasn’t enough to pee on it?

Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit it” by Will Smith.

Putin: *tries to laugh it all off*

Chris: *vomits, again*

Putin: MY WIFE’S VAGINA…IS ANGRY!!

Alina! THE GREAT ALINA!!

*he dances*

ALINA KABAEVA!!!

DID YOU HEAR THAT!?

She is a KABAEVA!!

You never heard of the great KABAEVA DYNASTY!?

Chris: *vomits*

God: That sounds like a dynasty of retarded people. I’m not going to lie.

The KABAEVA Dynasty!?

To a well-educated, OXFORD trained ear…that sounds like a mentally challenged dynasty. No cap.

Putin: I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!

I will MAKE THE KABAEVA DYNASTY RULE THE WORLD!!

Listen to “Ghosts of a Future Lost” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.

Alina: Don’t read this blog. It’s stupid.