Stravinsky gives Lacey a breath of life.
The Rite of Spring plays. Start to finish.
Zelda gets on stage. She can’t resist any longer and she’s dancing for both of them.
As Spring Round Dance plays Lacey hears her soul.
Queen Elizabeth II waves to Lacey. So does the Queen Mother.
Lacey considers…it’s 1959. But the song plays.
During Procession Of The Oldest And Wisest Lacey almost falls asleep. She woke up too early this morning.
But then during Dance Of The Earth Lacey decides to wave back at the Queen Mother. The British Royal family acknowledges the wave with smiles.
Lenin walks on-stage, is tied-up and placed on center stage. As he requested. During The Sacrifice.
The audience is awed. Quiet. Fascinated. Enthralled. Utterly lost…
“What the fuck is this shit?!?” a woke Millennial millionaire from America stands and yells into the auditorium.
But then the percussion in Glorification Of The Chosen One drowns out the Millennial. They stand…stupidly…too unaware of protocol to sit down. Instead choosing to stand for the remainder. Another American Millennial stands joined by a Gen. Z. woke activist to storm the stage. They carry signs that read: Stravinsky Ate Red Meat, Red Meat=Methane, and Make America Green Again.
How did these woke cool-kids get into a rare 1959 performance of The Rite Of Spring? They’re holding Lacey hostage. One American, female, super woke, “poor kid” chews her gum obnoxiously as she stands in the aisle nonchalantly acting like she’s far superior to everyone and the music.
“It’s just classical old fart music!” she says to herself. “Nobody gives even a tiny shit about this dull, ugly, cerebral, asexual crap anymore.”
“Hmm. Yeah. We have lost an appreciation for the arts!” remarks an American cool-kid Gen Z guy who loves the old money aesthetic without any intended irony.
Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet takes over. Quickly the stage changes. The woke protesters don’t realize it’s not Stravinsky and keep protesting. It sounds the same to them.
“Oh my God! I always cry when I hear Prokofiev!” says The Loudest Perfume Hater pretending to be sophisticated. She loudly announces this to everyone sitting near her in the audience. Nevermind that Suite No. 2 isn’t sad…necessarily?
And at that Lacey loses her temper. Walks away and lights a match. She lights it and then blows it out…
Then she walks out to the parking lot and thinks. …She calms herself, walks back in and sits down.
Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell as performed by the Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.
Lacey follows the woman out to her car and writes “I’m a pretentious twat! Honk if you agree!” in black Sharpie on the back of her car as she gets in the driver’s seat. No one honks. But that’s not a problem.
“Say! I saw you smiling too much when you were sitting with the Rockefeller’s.” says Lem to Lacey.
“Smiling too much?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah! Michael makes you smile.” he says. “And it bothers me.”
“He also grabbed my hand to calm me down.” says Lacey.
“I’m the only one between us allowed to make mistakes and be forgiven.” says Lem. “I do evil historical acts of horrific betrayal but…you forgive me because I have sane, sympathetic reasons. You were with the Rockefeller’s this evening because I was too busy picking my nose. As you know, I use three Q-tips very methodically. It’s a long, arduous process requiring enormous concentration.” He looks hurt. “And…my mirror broke. So I had to drive to the store and buy a new one.” He seems to think that makes him…essentially…helpless.
“Oh! Well…since you were too busy cleaning your nose…I felt it necessary to attend with the Rockefeller’s.” says Lacey.
Wobbly walks by and glares at Lacey. It’s unclear why.
Carolyn shoves Lacey as she shuffles past her.
Lem laughs. “I love these guys!” He pulls Carolyn over to Lacey. She smiles flirtatiously at him. “Hey! Do that impersonation of your father we laughed about on the phone for two hours last night.”
“Lemmers!” she playfully hits him. He looks confused.
“Carolyn, we’re not lovers!” he says seriously.
“That’s not true! You’re in love with me hot stuff!” she says pathetically.
He looks suddenly terrified. Looks Lacey in the eyes stupidly. Freezes.
“I’m not a cheater or wife beater! I’m far neater!” he says awkwardly. “It’s a poem I wrote you. On toilet paper. For old time’s sake.” he says.
“I’m not Jack.” she says. “Did you cheat?”
“No! I didn’t.” he says sincerely. “The toilet paper was a joke on Jack. And I was on the phone to talk Carolyn out of suicide.”
“Hey, LOSER!!” Wobbly yells at Lacey as she’s joined by the Rockefeller’s.
“Are you calling me a loser?” asks Michael of Wobbly.
“Hey! Hey!! Hey, Mike!” Michael looks at Lem.
“I need your help.” Lem says nervously.
“YEAH!! I MEAN YOU!! YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE RAT’S ASS, CHEAP, FILTHY, GAY, HOMOPHOBIC, JEWISH, NAZI FAMILY!” yells Wobbly.
Lem shakes and smiles both. “They’re so honest. I love their raw sincerity!”
“That’s very sensitive of you, Lem.” says Michael sweetly.
“I hate to think of my life with them. It was absolute Hell. …But I still love their feistiness!” he says giggling fondly. “So perky and Irish and cute! Like little fighting American leprechauns with nice hair. Because it’s just objectively true that they were so handsome. Even though they raped me.”
“Did they really rape you?” asks Michael of Lem.
“I FART ON YOUR GRAVE!!! FOREVER!!!” Wobbly yells out of his driver’s seat car window rolled down as he slowly drives by.
Haunted Heart by Jo Stafford plays reminding Lacey of the way she’s so far removed from any happiness or authenticity. The way Lem has sent her fairly close to literal Hell.
“I hope to rape and murder you too! For daring to talk to my Lem!” says Wobbly as he circles around the Rockefeller’s in his car.
“Lem…were you raped?” asks Michael.
“Yes! I was. I was… They’re going to come to my house tonight and I’m going to have to use mustard gas to fend them off.” he says seriously.
Let’s Go by Trick Daddy plays.
“Lem…that’s awful.” says Lacey empathetically.
“They just keep showing-up. So I buy a lot of chemical weapons.” he says seriously. “I just shut my windows. Turn the bombs on. And that’s the only way I ever get any sleep these days in Purgatory.”
Lacey is unnerved by this.
“Anyway, I’m hurt!” says Lem.
“Why?” asks Michael.
“Because you’re making her smile too much. And nevermind the way you held her hand.” says Lem. “I just found that out today an it’s soul crushing.”
“Haven’t you two had sex?!?” Michael asks Lem.
“Yes! So why are you holding her hand?!” asks Lem, upset.
And at that Wobbly and Carolyn drive by with JFK. In a 1950’s red Chevrolet convertible.
Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa plays.
The hydraulics are timed to match the music’s bass.
JFK shakes his butt. Twerks. Wobbly cheers him on, dancing in his seat. Carolyn holds a sign up on the side is a message about methane gas. On her side it reads, “He really loves you Lem! FOR REALZ!”
“Is this performance for you?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah! Whatever!” says Lem dismissively, rolling his eyes. “I’m mad!!” he says.
Michael tries not to laugh. “About what?!?”
Jack won’t stop twerking. He’s high on meth. Drooling. Drooling and twerking.
Carolyn yells, “Hey! You look real cool dad!” she says lovingly. “Very cool!” She looks tortured.
“Hold-up, let’s change the beat!” says Wobbly. He changes the cd. “Now!” he says demanding everyone pay attention to him. “This next song is another negro musical theater work of art. It’s a collection of works. It samples the history of black music culture over the last 70 years or more. It’s sure to have you jiving, jumping and asking for more.”
Whatta Man by Salt-N-Peppa plays.
JFK twerks. Standing up in the backseat. It’s the dancing of a homeless drug addict near death who was never that good at dancing to start with. But he’s trying.
J. D. Rockefeller dances. Wobbly sees him, feels it’s appropriate and wise to dance in his seat. So the three men dance.
“Nevermind that!!” says Lem entirely seriously. No humor about the moment apparently at all in his mind. “YOU HURT ME!!!” he yells at Lacey.
Carolyn gets out of the car. JFK Jr. walks over to her. She holds her head.
JFK Jr. looks hurt. Then she vomits. Takes off. He chases after her yelling, “What do you want me to do?!? Disown you from my family?!”
In Da Club by 50 Cent plays. Wobbly stands up and dances now too. Jack collapses. Falls on his face. Wobbly plays it cool and tries to make it all look fashionable. He squirts water on his unconscious uncle’s head.
“Just keepin’ chill!” says Wobbly.
Lem glares at Lacey in a rage. Then he loses his temper opens the car door, pulls Wobbly out of the convertible, punches him in the face. Wobbly staggers backward. Then Lem gets in the car behind the wheel, shuts the door. Looks furious.
“I never loved Jack!! I want nothing to do with him! And when you finally wake-up to the reality of your pain you caused me…and…the murder of my soul. You murdered me!” he says to Lacey seriously. “You murdered me in my sleep by fucking Joe Kennedy!” he says to Lacey seriously.
“Hey! Give me the keys man!” says Wobbly to Lem under his breath.
Lem doesn’t notice him. “No! Your love is vicious! You’re a hateful witch. And I love you. But I can’t stand you today!” says Lem. “And possibly forever. We’ll see. Watch this!” he says before driving-off quickly through the parking-lot with Jack in the backseat. His love sign to Lem included.
“We didn’t do that to him. Did we?” Michael asks his grandfather.
“So what if you did!” says Lacey devastated. “He has Jack in the backseat.” she says. She walks-off to avoid crying. Michael follows her. “Which Joe did he mean?” Lacey asks Michael with concern.
“Probably Junior.” says Michael.
“Such a vile business.” says Lacey.
Lem walks back laughing. He twirls into the parking-lot. Races up to Lacey.
“I had to walk!” he says.
“Why?” asks Michael protectively.
“I had Jack in the backseat. So he’s driving now.” says Lem casually. “I hope he drives himself off a cliff.” He laughs.
“But you’re laughing. For all I know you just made love!” says Lacey completely serious. Trying not to vomit from emotional pain.
She takes off her shoes, darts off barefoot and Louis picks her up and starts carrying her.
“Where are we going?” he asks Lacey.
“I don’t know.” she says.
“How about we go see if there’s any Champagne left?” he suggests.
“Sounds lovely.” she says.
Meanwhile Wobbly has been standing watching awkwardly. And now is his moment to stand silently and awkwardly some more. He sits down on the ground. Rests his chin in his hands with his elbows on his knees and then finally lays on his back and plays with loose pieces of parking-lot, tossing them around. He starts rolling around the parking-lot and intermittently licking the ground for some reason. He assumes no one is watching.
Lem races toward Lacey and accidentally leaps on Wobbly’s head as he does so. It’s unclear if he notices. Sincerely.
The Rockefeller’s analyze the scene.
“Is that self-defense? Or stupidity? Or sex?” asks Nelson.
“Self-defense! I believe his story about mustard gas.” says Michael.
“What does the licking do?” asks J. D. Rockefeller.
“Let’s ask him.” says Michael.
The three men approach Wobbly as he rolls around licking the parking-lot ground.
“What are you doing?” asks Michael.
(Adult content below)
“I’m not going to tell you!” says Wobbly with violent indignation.
“Does this have something to do with science?” asks J. D. Rockefeller.
“Yes! Of course it does!!” he indignantly says.
“Do you like the taste?” asks J. D. Rockefeller.
“Hmm. I don’t know! What do you think, asshole!?” says Wobbly sarcastically. Then he rolls off as quickly as possible.
Inside.
Gold Digger by Kanye plays.
“I’m hurt!” says Lem to Lacey. He insists he loves her more than Louis does.
“Because I held Michael’s hand?” she asks.
“No! Because you’re a white girl.” says Lem.
“In the song?” she asks.
“Yes!” he says.
“Lem! I saw the fact that you’re screwing women now and I want some!” says a Boomer.
“That’s crazy! Him and Jack are ride or die! I saw them driving around just now!” says her friend.
The woman smiles.
“We were accidentally in the same car.” says Lem seriously.
They giggle. Assuming he’s joking.
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot plays.
They giggle some more.
“That’s hilarious.” says JFK. He slaps Lem on the ass. He’s still high. He jumps up and down. “Hey! You wanna fuck chicks and then each until we pass out from orgasms?!” asks Jack as he repeatedly jumps up and down. “I have extra crack in the trunk!” he says running in place.
Louis dances to the song.
“He just slapped you in the ass? And you’re mad at me for holding Micheal’s hand?” asks Lacey of Lem.
Lem tries to figure out how to answer.
Take It To The House plays.
“This song is vile.” says Lacey. She wanders off.
The orchestra is practicing The Rite Of Spring in the auditorium. She lays down on her back out of sight. No one will find her here.
Michael climbs on top of her.
“Oh! I was scared it was someone else.” she says.
They lay there. Resting. Listening.
Even though they just lay there Lem grows upset as he peers in on them. He writes a fake love letter from Jack to himself. Then he walks in, shoves it in her face. He walks away.
As Stravinsky plays, Lacey and Michael read the message from “Kem.”
Everybody Dies by Billie Eilish plays in Lacey’s head.
Dear Lem,
No one has ever made me happier.
Secretly, my whole life has always been about you. Every time I smiled I was always just thinking of you and your shimmering, tan body and blue eyes, baby. I want you!
I want you now. I want you tonight. I want you tomorrow. I will always do nothing but want you.
My every second has been about your tan body and wanting you. Since I was born…I was on a righteous quest only to find you and love you. Just you.
Not Marilyn. Or Jackie. Or ANYONE ELSE. You are my favorite person in all of eternity.
Please marry me. Please marry me. Please marry me. Please, pretty please…marry me. Forever, be mine. Please!!!! Help me! I just need your love to exist.
Love,
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Sr.”
Lem watches as Lacey reads the letter.
She thinks at first that it’s fake. But…it might not be. Then she wishes someone would make a fool of themselves for her that way. Be that vulnerable and intimate with her. She sinks into herself, but it’s as per usual.
Howling At The Moon by Phantogram plays.
She thinks of Lem and his body. Jack’s possible love for him. …His body.
She feels Michael on top of her.
She feels Michael’s love.
She wonders if Lem could ever love her as much as this letter, however fake it might be…suggests is humanly possible of human love. And by nature of the act of giving her the letter itself she decides it’s likely impossible he loves her that much or would even consider it. It crushes her.
So she kisses Lem goodbye in her mind. She wishes him happiness. A happiness she apparently will never experience even in Heaven? Because she has no dreams from her life thus far left other than him to hope for. Literally. She’s found him sublime at 16 since age 13. …Lem is literally ALL she has left.
And so…she turns her face to Michael and smells his skin. She loses herself in his eyes. Then he kisses her with fervency. And they begin to make-love. Nobody sees them…mostly.
La Valse d’Amélie by Yann Tiersen plays.
Except Lem who was never a true nobody also watches.
At first he’s confused. Then shocked.
Then he smiles.
Then he’s shocked.
Then, realizing himself that there’s been a simple misunderstanding…and that she likely did love him he wants to make it right. Not feeling angry anymore he races in to the auditorium where they’re now practicing Firebird Suite.
Smiling, he walks up to Michael and Lacey who are losing themselves to each other. He waves at them. Taps her on the head.
Still smiling he leans in and quietly says, “Hey! Hey guys!”
Michael stops, almost cries. Calms and controls himself.
“Hey!!” whispers Lem. He has a smile.
If I Had A Tail by Queens Of The Stone Age plays.
And Lem can’t stop Lacey from hiding in Michael’s chest. She awaits truth. But instead Michael is an excruciatingly sacrificial gentleman and Lem is bashful and confused.
Bei Mir Bist Du Schon by The Andrews Sisters plays.
“Hey!” says Lem.
But Lacey was devastated by him. And now she wonders if he’s just pestering her to hurt her more.
“Excuse us!” says Michael. He pulls Lacey up and they walk out together. Lem follows them.
Lem follows them out to the parking lot where Wobbly has fallen asleep in a literal gutter.
“Hey! Go home!” Lacey yells at him. Claps her hands. She walks up to Lem slaps him hard across his face, grabs his car keys and then kicks Wobbly in the direction of Lem’s car. He walks. Crawls. Rolls.
Wobbly threatens her life. Calls her a cheap whore. Tries to stab her in the leg with a twig. And finally she picks him up and secures his seatbelt in the driver’s seat. Gives him the car keys and then says, “Drive home!!!”. Then she slams the car door shut. Waves a goodbye to him and then walks-off.
“Is he another ex who let you down?” Lacey asks Lem.
“No!” says Lem.
Lacey has no idea what to do with herself.
Michael picks her up. Throws her in his backseat. Calls Lem a taxi. Pays for the taxi.
Lem looks up and sees a literal rip in the universe.
“Did I cause that?” Lem asks God.
“No. Lacey did.” says God. “When she was crying to me to survive for her kids and for their survival and salvation as well.”
“Will I cease to exist?” asks Lem.
God is quiet. “Do you think you can exist?”
“I know Lacey cares, so on her behalf, will Jack cease to exist?” asks Lem.
“No. Neither will you. I’ve already saved you.” says God.
“Why did she just almost have sex with Michael?” asks Lem.
“They’re in love.” says God. “Are you in love with her too?”
“Yes.” he says.
“Why don’t you ever tell her that?” asks God.
“I can’t tell her that!” he says bitterly. “I shouldn’t have to tell her.”
“Why?” asks God.
“Because I have an ideal in my head. From Jack. …I didn’t love him. I wasn’t in love anyway. But we had an unspoken understanding that I was his sacrificial, supportive husband. His true champion and protector. I didn’t care that he was an ugly woman. And not even a woman. Because…that’s the kind of man I am. For better and worse.” He collects himself. “The ideal of course is that…you shouldn’t have to say I love you. People just know.” he says. “And I assumed that if I had loved him he’d have known even more. Been more secure. And…I just…thought-“
“Do you think she’s ugly?” asks God.
“No! Of course not!” says Lem. He thinks. “What did I do wrong?!?” he asks seriously.
“You heard me.” says God.
“I can’t handle that!” says Lem falling apart.
“Why?” asks God on Lacey’s behalf.
If I Had A Tail by Queens Of The Stone Age plays.
Genevra King dances.
The problem is that this song is…personal.
“Michael is singing.” explains Lem. “Try to wrap your head around it.”
The song plays.
“He’s mocking himself. But isn’t he still something?” says Lem. “I have nothing quite like that. Just my supposed undying love for Jack Kennedy.”
I’m Supposed To Die Tonight by 50 Cent plays.
“I’m hardcore, as they say. But…I didn’t grow-up in the hood. Or run Standard Oil.” says Lem.
“So you can’t be Michael or Louis.” says a man. “I bet Michael micromanages everything.”
“Lacey loves him for that.” says Lem.
“Really, man?” asks the Boomer.
“Yeah, really! She doesn’t care.” he says.
“So what?” asks God of Lem.
“So I have to deal with the consequences of my actions while alive?” says Lem.
“What does that mean?” asks Lacey.
“It means you aren’t Jack at all.” he says. “And I spent my life learning everything I could to distance myself from you.”
“So I don’t know whether or not you love me?” she asks.
“No!” he says sadly.
“Well…if it’s that upsetting you should leave.” says Lacey. “I have no time to waste.”
“That’s not-“ he says but then stops himself. “You don’t have any way to escape Michael unless I rip him away from you by being better. Or by demanding your love by some…virtue of my honor.”
“Bur that’s rot!” says Lacey.
He thinks. “Oh! So…you’d…” he shuts-up. “You don’t think I’m at all stupid. At all.”
“No! I think that’s a lie.” says Lacey.
He laughs.
“So why was Jack in the car? And why do you hurt me so much?” she asks.
He thinks.
“That’s taking too long.” she says. “HURRY-UP!” she yells at him.
He sighs. “No, I’m not your father.” he says, admitting he’s stumped.
“Oh! Clever! What else do you have from Jack’s ass?” says Lacey.
Ain’t Shit is requested by the Illuminati to poke fun at Lacey. They’re calling her a nigger because they feel insecure and ugly and weird compared to her and choose to fart out of their mouths instead of empathizing. It’s unclear if that’s the whole Illuminati or just certain hateful adult people.
“Come on, DAD! Let’s go home and do heroin!” says Wobbly to Lem sarcastically.
“Are you self-righteous and heartless?” Lacey asks Lem.
“What would you do to punish me for what I did if you couldn’t sleep around?” asks Lem of Lacey.
“I didn’t sleep around.” says Lacey.
“I’ve been strangling you to death from the inside out your whole life.” Lem says to Lacey. “And that’s grossly complimenting myself, to a wicked degree. But…I’m dead. And you can’t hear my words perfectly.”
“Did you mean to?” asks Lacey.
“No!” he says. “I love how you knew that. But you never know how to make the mistakes I made go away.” He laughs. “What would you have done if you didn’t have Louis to sleep with?”
“Why?” asks Genevra.
And at that Satan sings It’s Not Meant To Be by Tame Impala because Jesus Christ compels him to? Satan has a good singing voice. He really is very weak compared to God and he enjoys singing still when God asks him to. Because he’s beholden and he enjoys singing for God on occasion anyway. He really is that weak compared to God.
“I’d have…yelled at God in dire distress.” says Lacey to Lem.
“Well this is silly. There’s always me.” says Michael.
Washing Machine Heart by Mitski plays.
“You guaranteed me eternity! Remember?” asks Michael of Lacey.
“Michael I can’t help loving Lem.” says Lacey.
He nods. “And Louis loves you.”
“But you’re the only one I’m definitely with for eternity.” says Lacey to Michael.
He laughs.
“Lem why didn’t you do that?” asks Lacey.
He swallows. “I-I-I…I…I…I thought you were whorish. And I…betrayed you. And I thought it didn’t matter if you loved me.”
“Why didn’t you just kill me and have Jack steal my body while you laughed at my whole eternity?” asks Lacey.
“That’s putting it kindly. BELIEVE ME!!” yells Lem’s actual blood sister. “Would your Kennedy-fuck-family like to throw me down the stairs and send me to an actual living Hell too? How many of them are waiting to screw all of us?”
“Don’t worry! Lacey write a guidebook!” says Michael.
“I can’t speak to the women. Sorry!” says Lacey.
“Don’t worry. As curious as I am too. I won’t do it.” says Michael to Lacey.
“Maybe Jack could tell us.” says a Duggar. “Does he keep a sex journal?”
“Oh! He’s too lazy and self-centered to. From my impression of him.” says Lacey.
“Why do you win?” asks Joe Jr. of Lacey.
“You could have won more than I have. That’s a silly question?” wonders Lacey.
Nobody by Mitski plays.
“If you can’t handle that I’M A NOBODY…then we’re through for eternity. I’m not Jack. You’re right. And I’d sooner-Don’t make me finish that sentence and destroy this country?” says Lacey to Lem.
“You’d sooner what?” he asks. Then he whispers for her answer him.
His sister knew what she was going to say.
“Why?” asks Lem.
“Because it’s hideous.” says Lacey. “But then the whole of it would go. I hate that whole place except for the art.”
“Where could you redeposit the art?” asks Michael’s father of Lacey.
“I’d just build a new house.” says Lacey
“Where?” asks an English witch of Lacey.
“Just further southeast of its current location.” says Lacey.
We’ve Got It by Cults plays.
“Or if we’re too busy or bored…we could just dismiss Lem.” says Michael to Lacey.
“I had no business asking you that.” says Lem.
“No! Then you should leave?” asks Lacey.
—-
Keen to Cross the Pond 