Fallacies

“Joe Jr. was intended for Lacey.” says a dead Queen.

Suspirium by Thom Yorke plays.

“Depending.” she says, sounding exactly like herself but somehow clearer.

The song plays on.

“If a novel were written about it, it’d be a tragedy.” says the dead Queen’s husband.

The song plays on.

“All is well as long as we keep spinning.” sings Joe Jr..

“But Lacey stopped spinning.” says the dead Queen.

“And no, Lacey does not feel important. She feels let down.” says the dead Queen’s dead husband.

“It was mysterious to her that she felt my eyes on her. Heard my name. Everywhere. This Joe loved her, that Joseph Patrick loved her. Joe again.” says Joe Jr. grinning. “It was fun. She loved the mystery.”

“How many guys named Joe fell for her?!” asks a woman in the Illuminati.

“She’d claim none of them loved her for a reason.” says Prince Philip. “Stop.”

“How many Joes had a crush on her?” asks a man in the Illuminati.

“Four says Reta.” says Reta. She rolls her eyes.

“No, I can see why she’s-“ starts Joe Jr..

“SHUT-UP!” yells Michael.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence…

A dead Queen…Queen Elizabeth II smiles.

“Can I go on? Please?” she asks.

After a moment.

“The thing is…she was desperately unhappy.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

Einaudi: A Sense of Symmetry plays.

“And really, what more needs to be said?” suggests Prince Philip.

The sound of a clock ticking surprises Lacey as she lays in bed feeling tired and worried. Constantly worried.

“Did we do it? Did I do it?” asks Pat Wilson. “Who ruined her life?” She laughs. She laughs at Lacey’s pain.

“Tick tock! Time ran out for you.” Louis Hill Jr. says to Pat Wilson. “Didn’t it?!”

Pat Wilson glares at Louis.

“Nobody knows Pat. Nobody alive.” he says. “We could tell them theoretically anything.”

“Like what?!?” she spits words at Louis with an aristocratic lilt.

“Why not tell them about your hot sex when you died? The way you rekindled your flame with Joe Jr.? That’s what you’ve told me.” says Lacey.

Lights Are On plays.

Summertime Sadness laughs.

Wobbly feels bad.

“You were really looking forward to Heaven.” says his wife to Lacey.

“Shit!!! …She was.” says Wobbly.

“Yup.” says Joe Jr..

“What…the hell…happened?” asks a famous heroin singer’s ex-wife.

Smells Like Teen Spirit plays. Don’t look at the cover of the album. Truly.

“They’re trying to give her a heart attack.” says Kirk. “Awww! You caught us in bed? Does it hurt?!” he says to Joey Kennedy.

Joe runs out of the room.

“Whatever.” says Lacey, bored.

“Why are in bed with Kirk?!” asks Summertime Sadness feigning shock.

“I’m tired. And resting. Currently. But…Joe did apparently watch me with Lem?” says Lacey.

“And herein lies the fallacy.” says Michael.

“Which is what?” asks Kurt.

“She gets tired, Joe.” says Michael. “You can’t keep thinking she’s inexhaustible.”

“They can’t afford to kill her. In every way. But they don’t want to understand that.” says Lem.

“In denial. You’re in denial. In denial!” Kurt Cobain sings at Joe.

“Lacey, I think you married Lem.” says Summertime Sadness.

“When?” asks Lacey sincerely.

“She did but God sees things differently than we do.” explains Michael.

“So…did you ever marry her?” a Mary asks Joe Jr..

A former singer’s wife smiles.

“The thing is…she’s not human. She’s an alien reptile from Mars. So was I. We eat sandwiches made of raspberries and butter. Drink copious amounts of Earl Grey Tea. And act stuffy and annoying.” says a dead Queen Elizabeth II sarcastically.

“I’m done!” says Pat Wilson in a huff. She’s not kidding.

“I just can’t get over it!” says Lacey. “How can Purgatory exist?!”

“Joe and I are in love!” says Pat Wilson to Lacey Banks.

“Pat, I’m sure you know now I’m not fully opposed. But why doesn’t he ever say that?!” asks Lacey.

Joe Jr. rubs his forehead.

“I swear men are just like that sometimes!” says a Gen X woman.

“Fine! I loved Pat!!” yells Joe Jr. forced to by Ron Craft and Michael Rockefeller.

Pat Wilson laughs. Smiles.

“You’re fine!” Pat Wilson says to Joe Jr. with a giggle.

Louis laughs because Lacey looks relieved and it doesn’t surprise him.

“It’s not that I never loved him. I just got over all of it.” says Lacey.

Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey plays.

Lem cries.

“They forced her to develop an ability to truly get over men. Completely.” says Louis. “She can’t love someone anymore unless they love her.”

“Can anyone?” asks a gay man.

“Oh wow.” says Scott. “Wow! That’s how dumb we are now?!” He laughs. “It’s common.”

“Okay, so…Lacey isn’t… Like for real?!” asks Joe Jr..

Pat looks shocked.

“Like…she’s just not…” says Joe Jr..

“No.” says Louis. “And I’d have gladly taken her off your hands.” he says.

“I hate to say this, but I already did.” says Lem. “You just caught us in the last year, making love.”

In another place Jack dances to Save Your Tears by The Weekend. A former brother-in-law approaches him. He walks up and whispers to Jack, “They really did. They really did.”

Without Me by Eminem plays for Jack.

He looks embarrassed.

“What were you expecting?” Lacey asks him seriously.

“Oh my gosh!” says Joe Jr. condescendingly to Lacey.

“Loyalty.” he says.

“From Michael?!” asks Michael.

“Or Rocky?!” asks Rocky.

“From me?!” asks J. D. Rockefeller.

“How about me?!” asks Sir Winston Churchill.

Lem looks at him sadly from across the room. He walks up to Jack and puts his hands in his pockets. Looks down at the ground. Taps Jack’s foot with his. Then he sighs melodramatically.

“I’m not who you think I am.” Lem says to Jack.

A demon of narcissism has a conniption fit.

Smells Like Teen Spirit plays again.

“I’m in love with Michael Rockefeller.” says Lem.

Jack laughs. Looks confused.

“He’s umm…important.” Lem shrugs. “Soo…well…”

Jack tries to grab Lem and kiss him but Lem ducks. Lem flings Jack over his shoulder. Twirls Jack around, Jack’s ass in the air, arms flying. Then he lets go and drops him on his head. Jack extends his arms out fast enough to brace his fall.

Seven Army Nation plays.

“Wait! You’re joking right?” asks Bobby, of Lem trying not to laugh.

“About Michael and me?” asks Lem.

“Yes.” says Bobby.

“I’m serious!” he says scoffing.

“No you’re not!” says Bobby.

“Why not?! Isn’t Jack interested in me? Two can play at that game.” Lem says with a wink.

“No!!! You’re not! You really love Karrie.” says Bobby.

“No! I love Louis!” he says, fuming. “And I’m a monkey from outer space too!”

Song 2 by Blur plays. Lacey’s kind of music.

“Fine!!! You weren’t to not fuck me!!!!” yells Jack at Lem. “It’s so easy!!! …That’s your problem!!!” He gets up and runs at Lem bent over head first into his gut.

“It’s not my problem!” sings Michael.

Lem throws Jack across the room. He lands face first on the cement floor.

An ambulance arrives.

Jack is carried away on a stretcher.

“He’ll be fine. Really.” says Rocky seriously to Lacey.

Joe Jr. dances. Pat Wilson joins him. They try various dance styles. It’s awkward. But…they seem in sync and in love?

“Wasn’t there some Norwegian woman he liked?” asks Lacey.

“From World War II?” asks Louis.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

Louis sighs, exasperated. “He goes back to Pat.”

“Every time.” says Louis’ second wife.

Under The Bridge plays.

They slow dance to the song by Red Hot Chili Peppers.

“Well, I hope it works out.” says Lacey.

Michael laughs. He collapses on the floor laughing.

Lacey laughs with him.

He laughs so hard he has to lay on his back to calm down. Lem vibe dances, bobbing his head.

Snow (Hey Oh) by Red Hot Chili Peppers plays.

“Hey Joe!!!” yells Lem. “You wanna fuck my wife or are you good tonight?”

“He has Pat.” Lacey says seriously, sweetly. Slightly confused.

And at that Pat and Joe try grinding at Pat’s sincere suggestion.

“That’s wonderful.” says Lacey matter-of-factly. She turns to walk off.

The song stops. Pat and Joe clap. Lacey tries not to laugh.

“Okay, but the thing is…if this is Purgatory…you’re dead. Not completely. But just enough to hear and see us in your spirit.” says Lem to Lacey.

“Or something in Christianity like Purgatory.” says Michael.

“And no, I’m not loyal to Jack anymore. Sorry.” says Lem to those listening.

Scar Tissue plays.

“You don’t have to be with me. Or do you?” asks Lem of Lacey.

“Do I?” she asks.

Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz plays.

“If I let go. I don’t want to.” says Lem.

“Well. We’ll let Lacey go now. Let her mull it all over. Peacefully.” says Tommy Banks.

“What did I do wrong?” Lacey asks him.

“You should have eaten chicken with your kids tonight. But you tried.” he says mournfully.

Lacey roasted a whole chicken. With potatoes, carrots, an onion and peas.

“Sounds good.” says a dead Queen Elizabeth II.

“Thank you. It was! And it snowed today.” says Lacey. “It was so pretty.”

“That is a good combination. Fresh snow and a roasted chicken.” she responds.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

More later.

…

“That was all a joke on me. Wasn’t it?” asks Lacey.

“No!” says Bette Davis. “Not at all.” she smirks.

“Really?! …Lem threw Jack across the room?!” asks Lacey in shock.

She looks extremely serious. “Yes!” she says fiercely but with an icy, calm reserve.

“No!!” says Lacey.

Bette Davis looks at her. “Yes, yes, yes!”

“I just can’t believe it.” says Lacey.

“I’m a ghost.” jokes Bette Davis. “I’m sorry. What rot!”

“What’s rotting?” asks Lacey.

“Actually, I’m not sure I am anymore. More deteriorating.” She smiles. “This!!”

She looks at Lacey.

“You’re not supposed to be dead, sweetie.” says Bette Davis.

Lacey bites her bottom lip. Cries. Fights back the tears successfully, however.

“You’re still breathing.” Bette muses sadly. “And that’s great! Right? Your kids are young. But…a breathing person should be alive.”

“You’re right.” says Lacey.

Silence.

“I still can’t believe it’s real. It feels so bizarre.” Lacey says.

Young by Vacations plays.

“It’s just your brain.” says Michael.

Lem nods his head in agreement.

Lacey blinks.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“You’re alive. Or are you?” asks Bette.

“I think I am?” says Lacey.

“Your spirit is controlling your brain. And you’re in submission to Christ. But you’re fighting constantly to live. Except in your sleep. …Your brain is so confused.” says Bette.

“Try to resist hearing me!” says Lem.

“Lacey, you can’t stop us.” says Michael.

“Then why stop?!” asks Bette. “Why not die?”

“Life is too precious. My children matter more than myself. And that’s more than enough. …I know I can’t die until God commands it by ending my life directly.” says Lacey. “Suicide is not an option.”

“I agree.” says Bette.

“Yes, Lacey I did. I threw him across the room.” says Lem.

“Time for sleep.” Lacey says.

“Don’t be afraid.” says Bette.

And in her natural fear that she humbly gives to God Lacey reasons that seeing the door move today was…not…insanity. Nor was it scary? …Of course she doesn’t trust that it’s not demonic. But-

“Some of us are clearer than others for various reasons.” says Michael.

Lacey blinks. She feels as if God us telling her that her current experience is no different than being dead will be.

Michael sits on the edge of her bed. Lem on the floor.

“Except you’ll see us more.” says Michael. “Like you just thought.”

“Just calm down.” says Louis.

“People should be more concerned though.” says Lacey. “About their own death.”

—