Sure Thing

Jack stole…Lem.


But…the trouble is…if Lem was straight…he had no business doing it. It was a heinous thing to steal from another human being who wasn’t even there to defend herself.

Sure Thing by Miguel plays.

“Jack why did you do that? Huh?” asks a witch.

“Why is it such a big deal?” he asks.

“Because you mimicked her actual real needs, Jack.” says Bernie Madoff. He seethes. “You stole her soul. And fucked her soulmate in the ass.” He fumes. “Her soul, Jack. Her soul.”

Chemtrails Over The Country Club plays.

“And now she’s stuck with me.” says Michael. “Because I spit in your ugly, cheap, shitty, Irish-freckled, fuck-face.” he says before punching Jack in the nose. “You wanna sup on my dick, you ugly, corny, dumb…jealous little bitch?”

“This is interesting.” says Bernie. He quickly chews his gum. Realizes he’s…in the position of moral authority. …It’s not what he expected. At all.

“Bernie, do you care?” someone asks as he commands thugs to continually beat Jack to a bloody pulp until Lem can kill him himself by strangulation or let Lacey go. For eternity.

“I shouldn’t do it myself. It’s not mine to enjoy.” says Michael.

“Ours either. Unfortunately.” say Harold and Louis.

“Actually, I do care.” says Bernie. “Do you care?” he asks.

“That’s debatable.” says Desmond watching the spectacle with the others on a golf cart.

“Did you ever molest anyone?” a Gen Z guy asks Jack.

“Possibly.” says Louis. “But that’s not the point, cupcake.”

“What is the point?” asks the Gen Z guy.

“He stole her soul. If Lem had been non-straight, or if he’d been able to understand her massive pain right now…this wouldn’t be happening. But Jack…stolea lot.” says Louis. “And you all think it’s the Kennedy way to fuck Lacey yo the ass, against her bloody screams now. To get rich. To get pretty. To get love. To get whatever the hell you want.” He thinks. “Lem is in God’s grace. But…it’s ugly to see. Because he literally condoned the genuine torture of his soul. And Jack just sucked it dry.” He thinks. “And it’s possible Jack’s not totally penitent yet. Because you all still enable his very clever delusion.”

“So he knew Lem wasn’t gay and that he was?” asks Lacey.

“Yup. Possibly.” says Louis.

A Gen Z woman laughs. “Okay…so…who was actually in the White House?!”

“Michael.” says Rocky. “And Lacey and Lem had a bedroom.”

“Wait! So…did Joe Jr. also get the idea of screwing Lacey over from Jack?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Yes!” says a witch hearing the affirmative as much as Lacey.

“So his act…of secretly bisexual, straight leaning virility was actually an imitation of Michael?!” asks a Asmat sarcastically. Why sarcastically? Because it’s so obvious to them.

My Strange Addiction plays. The DuPonts laugh.

“Things are far uglier in the bourgeois set than you think.” one of them says. “It’s a fallen world.”

“Yes, but who taught Jack to steal mercilessly from women?” asks a Boomer.

“So you made the Camelot sausage by stealing from Lem?” asks a Boomer of Jack.

National Anthem plays.

“Savagely.” says Asmat. “Kick got the house. Jack got the dick. Then they got off over and over.”

“How do you get off in Lem’s mouth without Lem taking your soul?” asks Lacey.

“Because I was sure he loved me profoundly forever. I never let myself feel the doubt. My whole family backed me up. And…he thought he was just doing his sexual duty. And I was sadistic.” He thinks. “Every time he made me orgasm…I stole his soul. And it made me feel invincible.”

“And I hated when he made me orgasm.” says Lem. “I didn’t like feeling owned by him. Or having him think that either.”

“So…the Irish got their revenge after all!” says an Irishman sarcastically. “Aww!!”

“Or if reincarnation is in Christianity…then…Jack secretly hated himself and went ballistic.” says a Gen Z member.

“And he probably knew Micheal when he was a literal Lord or when Lem was.” says another Gen Z member.

“So…did Jack mean to mock the Irish?” asks a hater.

“By imitating his Irish origin father?” asks Frank McCourt. “Doubling down on the sin, even. Doing worse and not just stealing a rich whore’s money.” He thinks. “Stealing his former best friend’s souls? Out of pure evil vanity, and jealous rage.”

“If reincarnation is in Christianity…is Jack a Kennedy anymore or just a really sick little rich boy in London?” asks a Gen Z member.

“I doubt it is…but if so…he might be that now permanently, so to does. And for the moment at least be entirely gay.” says Lacey. “And very obviously so.”

“Or if reincarnation isn’t Christian then perhaps it’s metaphorical, in a way.” says Lacey. “Seriously, let’s be careful.”

“Okay…but why can’t Lem just get it?!” asks a Boomer.

“Because he can’t handle her ability to truly love Michael, or Louis, or Elliott or Joe.” says an Asmat. “And thinking it’s just because of what happened with Jack seems too good to be true to him.”

“Or is he just a narcissist? Because he doesn’t seem to grasp who I am or my needs or personality at all?” says Lacey.

“And it all rests on how much I love you. Perfectly logically.” says Lem. “Or is Jack just more lovable, more everything good than you?”

“He’s not. Sweetie, he’s not.” says a Eugene Levy type.

Lacey checks with the Holy Spirit to confirm that assessment.

“Jack…let’s get down to brass tacks. Give Lem a fighting chance. Okay?!” says a DuPont.

“Jack…why can’t you suck Michael’s dick?” asks the DuPont. “Isn’t that…suspicious?”

“Why suspicious?” asks Jack.

The DuPont silently smiles. September plays.

“Because if Lacey isn’t lovable it’s weird that Michael loves her. Isn’t it? …Or what? She should be dead by now. And she isn’t.” he says.

“I’ll investigate the obvious implications of this argument. Don’t worry.” says Lacey.

“Did you count on Michael loving Lacey? Or no?” asks a New Age woman golfing.

“I hated Lacey. …But I didn’t know her.” he says. “Maybe I just wanted to be a Michael.” He thinks. “Maybe I secretly wanted Lacey, even.” He thinks more. “Maybe…it’s a pretty thought.”

“To be bisexual and have handsome men in love with you? And yet…truly love Lacey. Passionately. And then…drift off on cloud of wealth? And opulence? With your happy, healthy children adoring you for all the right reasons.” says an English witch.

“So Jackie reminded you of Lacey? Or she was the idea of her?” asks a Gen Z woman.

“And yet she had to be yours. …Not Lem’s!” says another Gen Z member.

“Jack…did you count on Michael loving Lacey?” asks the woman again.

A few moments later.

“No!!!” he says, as Lem threatens to strangle him with one arm around his neck. It’s unclear if that’s true or not. Because reincarnation is not seemingly in Christianity.

“Why not?” asks Michael. “Why wouldn’t I or Louis have loved her?”

“Or me.” says Harold.

“Because you do things like that!” Jack says to Michael.

“To irritate her.” says Louis.

“Yes. And…I thought women were just…weak. And slow.” he says.

“Poverty inducing.” says a hater to Jack.

“Yes. If only men could be rich and free.” he says. “No sympathy for women and their annoying requests.”

“And you thought men like Michael secretly wanted your sexual deliverance.” says a Native American witch to Jack. “Did you tell Lem you were doing him a favor? Often? Like…was that a brainwashing technique you used with him? …And…he assumed it wasn’t just based on American materialism…and he assumed we’d understand his natural need for his own life and family.”

Kill Bill by SZA plays.

“Why did you think I was going to be annoyed with Lacey?” asks Michael.

“And then you found Lem…and stole her only life? All of it.” says Bernie Madoff. “Cutting off her legs and arms…shaving her head…gouging out her tongue. Leaving her practically unconscious while you scoffed. …Like a heinously psychopathic man trying to one-up a Nazi running a concentration camp.”

“Why?” asks the woman golfing.

Everything I Wanted plays.

“But you left behind her actual body? Mostly?” asks Michael.

“They should have named her Martha. But that’s an insult to everyone.” says a gang member from the 1930’s.

“Michael was…too smart, Jack.” says Sir Winston Churchill.

“I want to fuck her, Jack. And I get annoyed when I think of Lem being near her.” says Michael. “It’s sexual tension.” He thinks. “Sexual tension for Lacey. Not…for you. Or necessarily any man.”

“Who was supposed to love Lacey?” asks the women golfing of Jack.

“No one. She’s Eve. Not me. I have a dick!” he says hatefully.

“Jack do you hate women?” a Catholic priest asks him.

“Yes! …They are disgusting!” he says.

“I don’t feel that way.” says Michael. “And I never did.”

“I didn’t either, really. Although, I found them snobby and treacherous.” says Lem.

“Like they would likely hurt you?” a Boomer asks of Lem.

“Yes!” he says.

“But that’s no reason to align yourself with Jack.” says the Boomer.

“I didn’t align myself with Jack. Did I?” he asks of God.

Wobby sighs. Sadly.

“So you merely are explaining to me what I did when you slept with them?” he asks. “But what about you?! …How is that fair to you?!”

“Do you care?” asks Lacey. “Did they care?”

“Nah!” says Joe Jr. in denial. He can’t believe it’s all true.

“What? Did she make a fool of you by letting you screw her thinking you were using her?” a Boomer asks Joe Jr.. “In some sexually suicidal mission?”

“Yes!” says Joe Jr..

“Are you going to come beat me up? And be even more evil?” asks Lacey. “Or perhaps you want to? And that matters too, of course.”


“It’s sad, Jack. Class shouldn’t matter so much today in America. She’s right. But it’s all interconnected.” says a DuPont.

“So you were a secretly hateful bourgeois English boy. And you were rabidly jealous of your betters who were nice to you. And…if reincarnation is true…you got a chance to be better. But you took the worst route and damned us all?” asks an English witch of Jack.

“And if reincarnation isn’t true…it’s a good explanation of the reality of it? …Yes. Possibly.” says Jack.

“But it’s actually Michael you loved?” asks Lacey.

“Yes. Because he’s a sexual dynamo and a Rockefeller and…young and beautiful…and artistic and…sexually adventurous. If I wasn’t straight. Yes.” says Jack.

“But you’d have felt like an idiot around him?” asks Lacey.

“And those glasses. Yes.” he says to Lacey. “What a sexy fib.” He thinks. “Or that’s the idea.”

“And then what? You fall apart. Because he’s him and you’re you.” says Louis to Jack. “And I’m straight and so is Harold.”

“Why are you so possessive of Lem? Just to hurt me because of Micheal?” asks Lacey. “And you ruined it with your brother because?” Lacey thinks. “It’s your annoying incompetency that throws me.”

“Would she have been more sweet to you before?” ask Lem.

“And suggested I might be less than human and dumb too?” asks Jack.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“Might.” says Lacey. “Or is that not possible?”

“So you made your entire life about hating Lacey?” a Gen Z woman laughs at Jack.

“Yes.” he says.

“Jack you sodomized yourself and Lem.” says a Charismatic. “That’s clearly outlined as wrong in the Bible.”

“It’s a vile form of rape.” says a gay man. “At least.” He thinks of a dead woman who experienced rape from a woman and feels shocked. His mouth falls open.


“Why would you hate Lacey so much?” asks a Gen Z woman.

“Michael.” he says.

“And you can’t have your own Michael?” asks a woman. “Or you just can’t have Michael?”

“It’s Michael. Sorry if that’s boring.” says an Asmat.

“It may just be Michael.” says Lacey.

Goodbye by Feder plays.

“Wow!” says a Gen Z to Jack. “He really wouldn’t have slept with you?! For real?!”

“No. Not necessarily. I’d have flaked out before I’d gotten a chance to try. Or he might have brushed me off.” says Jack. “I’m not actually that cool.”

Liszt plays.

“Let me ask you this…if Lacey had screwed Lem after your brother betrayed her…would you have let her be with Lem?” asks a Silent Generation member.

“Yes. I would have been appeased, I guess.” he says.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because I’s have been scared of Lem killing me. Mostly. And…I’d have respected him. And…I suppose I’d have thought Michael might find me more appealing, whether literal or metaphorical.” he says.

“She’s right. We’re just petty.” says Kick.

And at that Bernie takes his prisoners to a new location. Lacey, in hot pursuit, follows after.

“You’re not actually sleeping with anyone but Lem. Mostly. Possibly Michael. Not even your ex?” asks The Charismatic.

“I’m not really loose.” says Lacey.

“Do you want a play by play?” asks Harold in annoyance.

“Why do you even have any right to even ask?!” asks a Lana of The Charismatic. “Have you stated an interest in her?” She thinks. “If no, I think you’re being a bit disrespectful.”

“I wouldn’t care!” says a man who bears a striking resemblance to Michael Rockefeller who’s stated an interest in Lacey. She’s hesitated with him and refused to give him her phone number…but apparently he’s unfazed.

A Lana laughs.

“Why is he so unbothered?” asks a Gen Z member.

“Because he has her. She’d marry him. Easily. It’s just that it might not be best. …But it’s nothing wrong with him. He’s already won.” says a Catholic priest. “I don’t believe in reincarnation but…a happily married man who has complete and well founded trust in his wife who he understood and adored wouldn’t be easily threatened or confused.”

More Later.