False Hope

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls plays.

Lacey might be talking with ghosts in Christian Purgatory. Not angels or demons or fallen angels or aliens.

“I can’t stand people who would say it’s Christianity.” says a woman who believes trans kids are better off in Canada and that Trump is essentially Satan. “I’m going to meet this blogger’s idiocy and violence against me with the same energy as her. That’s the only way to deal with an oppressive regime blogger.”

“This woman is going to Hell! She’s a witch!” says a Christian conservative.

“Her family owns oil! They’re part of the Anti-Christ movement!” says a Charismatic.

“I think it’s nice that Michael is falling in love in the afterlife. We hope we can join him when we die…provided he’s not in Hell. Because golly…as a Christian I don’t want to believe I’m going to Hell. Even if the Illuminati exists and I’m a part of it.” says a woman in the old money upper-class of the Illuminati.

“Death to the corporations!” yells a woman who advocates killing Lacey and her family because they supposedly side with evil corporations.

“Wait! Wait!! Hold-up…Michael and Lem were gay! So Lacey is taking advantage of them. As a witch! She’s too ugly to be seductive!” yells a gay, objectively ugly, hateful, angry man on the left. He’s seemingly serious.

“So…why do you think Lem and Micheal were gay?” asks the elite woman. “I knew Michael. He might have been bisexual. Not gay. And Lem has never been confirmed as gay…and he could have been confused.”

“You did not know Michael! This blogger is a poor idiot! And if you’re talking to her you must be too!” says the angry gay man on the left.

“No, I knew Micheal. He seemed…possibly bisexual. Possibly just straight?” says the woman.

“Yeah right!” says the angry gay man on the left.

“Well…we’ll kill you all anyway.” says the woman supposedly afraid for trans kids. “We’re going to match your energy.”

“But that isn’t their energy.” says Lacey.

Their energy?!” scoffs the supposed trans-advocate.

“You just said I wasn’t one of them!” days Lacey.

“You are! You are now!” says the angry gay man on the left.

“Fine! You’re a schizophrenic! An ugly, angry schizophrenic woman.” says the violent trans-advocate to Lacey.

“I don’t seem angry.” Lacey protests.

“Yes! You do! You seem angry! You always seem angry!” says the female trans-advocate.

“No! I’m not angry, necessarily.” says Lacey calmly.

“Okay!! Okay!!!” a trans woman claps her hands violently to try to control the conversation.

This sends the violent gay man into spins. Like, literal spins like a ballerina. It’s unclear why.

The trans woman has everyone’s attention except for the angry gay man on the left who won’t stop twirling.

“Okay!” she says with a smile. “Umm.” She bites her bottom-lip. Then she says, “I’m worried about Lem. Why did Michael suddenly take over again?”

“What?!?” the spinning gay man responds. Apparently he’s been secretly listening.

“She clearly reads Lacey’s blog.” says a straight, cis, upper-middle class, female, Millennial Democrat. She’s waiting for a way to dig a knife into Lacey’s soul. It’s a common pleasurable self-indulgence for Millennials.

“No, I’m not wrong! No, I’m not wrong!” says the spinning gay man.

“About what?!” asks the Millennial woman with syrupy, cloying sweetness.

“They have her!!” he announces.

The Millennial woman shuts-up.

“They have who?!?” asks the violent, female trans-advocate.

The gay man laughs. “You seriously don’t understand? The elite captured Lacey.”

“They did not!!!” yells the trans woman.

“Yeah, I doubt that too!” says the trans-advocate.

“Why would they want her?!” says the Millennial woman.

“Because you know why!” says the gay man to the Millennial woman with a wink.

“No! No, I do not know why! Eww!” says the Millennial woman.

“Do you think Lacey is a bisexual?” asks a cis male Millennial.

“No! But the thought of that turns you on!” says Michael.

“No it doesn’t! I turn him on!” says the Millennial woman in deep irritation.

“Why don’t we kill the middle-class?!” says a working-class man.

“Because that’s preposterous!” says the angry gay man on the left.

“You’re the ones ruining everything!” says the working-class man.

“What’s your plan? To let the upper-class kill the middle-class so you can assume the middle-class role and then kill the upper-class in a huge blood bath?” asks Lacey.

The gay man stares at Lacey in disgust.

“What?” asks Lacey.

“You seem bisexual!” says the Millennial woman to Lacey.

“She’s not bisexual! She’s right. We are that angry.” says the working-class man.

“Did you think she was suddenly a trans gay man?!” asks the trans woman of the angry gay man on the left.

“Yes!” he admits. “All her war talk! No straight, cis women talk like that.”

“No! She’s not a bisexual or lesbian or whatever. I can tell.” says the working-class man.

“How can you tell?! What do you know?!?” asks the angry gay man on the left.

Deeply insulted and irritated, “She’s just not!” he says.

“Okay! But we should so still kill her!” says Mr. Blue.

“Yeah! Like how someone threw her down the stairs and caused brain damage?” asks a Trump.

“I get erections from thoughts of killing Lacey!” says Mr. Blue. “Like…my penis just gets hard.”

“Oh! That’s sexy!” says an Erin.

“I disown you!” says Ireland to Erin.


“Why does that make you hard?” asks Summertime Sadness of Mr. Blue.

“I’m possibly a clinical psychopath.” says Mr. Blue coldly.

“No, you’re not!” say a Millennial fans of his.

“No, I might be. Or a malignant narcissist.” he says.

Miss You by The Rolling Stones plays.

Lem gets sexual thoughts of Lacey. In the 60’s. Alone with him in his apartment.

“I’m sensing Lem is gay! Like…psychically.” says the angry gay men on the left.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because! It’s in the lyrics!” he says. “It’s a reference to gay culture.”

“But that last line is actually confusing in Lem’s case.” says Lacey.

“No! You’re wrong.” says the angry gay man on the left with authority to Lacey.

“I’d have fucker her that song in the 1970’s. In my bed. And made her orgasm.” says Michael seductively to Lacey.

“No! That’s fine. You’re ugly!” says the Millennial woman.

“Except he’s not!” says Lacey.

“Then he should be fucking a man! Not a woman. Women are all worthless pieces of trash.” says the angry gay man on the left.

“I’m not a worthless piece of trash!” says the trans woman indignantly.

“Shhh!” says the Millennial woman to the angry gay man on the left.

“This…is…awesome!” says a cis, smiling, possibly straight man who works for Trump.

“What? What’s wrong princess?” asks the angry gay man on the left of the Millennial woman.

“Awww! Pumpkin!” she says in a cutesy voice to the angry gay man on the left.

Suddenly the room goes dark and it’s just the two of them. They both are controlled to act seductively towards each other. Then the controllers pause and wait to see what happens next.

“Nothing! Nothing will happen! Everyone is a psychopath like me.” says Mr. Blue crying. He conjures demons to back-up his lies.

But…in truth…the angry gay man on the left and the Millennial woman…feel like making-out. So they do.

Everybody Got Their Something by Nikka Costa plays.

“I’m still gay!” says the gay man on the left who will eventually be angry. Except it’s 2008 and he’s not angry yet. And every Friday his boyfriend lets him make-out for hours with girls at bars. “I wouldn’t want to sleep with them! But…it’s still fun to make-out.” he says seriously.

“Are you sure you aren’t just bisexual?” asks the Trump man.

The angry gay man on the left pauses from making-out. “What’s it to you?!”

“You identify as gay!” says the Trump man.

“I don’t identify as gay! I identify as gay!” he says. “And I can tell…all you want to do is just…annihilate me and my partner!”

“Your partner right now is a woman.” says Lacey.

“No! She’s not my partner!” he says. “It’s just making-out! Women are supposed to mindlessly put-out on demand anyway.” He scoffs. “Like Lana Del Rey. It’s just a fundamental part of the women’s liberation movement.”

A&W by Lana Del Rey plays.

“Then why don’t you have sex with her?” asks Lacey.

“I can’t!” he says.

“You’ll get an erection from making-out or no?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he says.

“Then why not make-love?” asks Lacey.

“Because I can’t stand her.” he says.

The Millennial woman cries.

“But you still want to?!” asks Lacey.

“Yeah.” he admits.

“Then how are you gay?!?” asks Lacey.

“Because Oscar Wilde was gay.” he says. “And Lem Billings was gay.”

“But Lem wasn’t gay, necessarily.” says Michael.

“Michael, you’re gay!” says the angry gay man on the left, suddenly rocking himself to stay calm.

Everyone watches him.

“Why do need people to be gay?” asks Lacey of the angry gay man on the left.

“It’s pretty!” he says, crying.

“Because then it’s all neat and tidy and uncomplicated?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he admits. He shrugs.

“But what if you’re straight sometimes?” asks Lacey.

“Then…I’m being evil possibly.” he says.

“By lying about it?” asks Lacey.

“I can’t stand women. They’re so petty.” he says.

“What makes you think you and your partner are being annihilated?” asks Lacey.

He thinks.

“Are you truly a woman?” he asks her.

“Yes!” she says.

“You’re not petty.” he says.

Hadley Hemingway laughs.

“No! I’m not.” says Lacey. “What makes you think you’re being annihilated?”

“Because…that’s worse case scenario. And I’m in worse case scenario mode.” he says.

“No! You wanna screw Lacey. And you’re lying about it!” says a Trump man.

“What’s worse scenario mode?” asks Lacey.

He thinks. “The mode where we get killed like the Jews in the Holocaust.”

Dark Red by Steve Lacy plays.

“THAT’S A DIRTY LIE!!!” yells a Trump supporting Christian.

The angry gay man on the left looks disdainful.

“What’s the lie?” asks Lacey.

“The lie is that YOU are the ones they’re going to annihilate. They’re going to annihilate US!” says the Trump supporting Christian.

“That’s not likely. …But you can go ahead keep that delusion.” he says disdainfully.

“Michael was annihilated by water or violence. And I’m being held hostage and tortured.” says Lacey. “By the Illuminati, should it exist.”

The angry gay man and the Christian ignore her.

“You’re the first Christian they’re going to do it to. You’re not alone!” says Summertime Sadness to Lacey.

“No! You’re attacking her because she’s gay!” says the angry gay man on the left.

“No! She’s a cis, straight woman.” laughs Mr. Blue.

“I’m going to run for US President! Watch this, guys!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. dancing into the room, twirling around in a pink, sparkly tutu.

Swing Lynn plays.

He captures the spotlight. Twirls. The audience applauds.

“Am I dying today?” Lacey asks God seriously. He seemingly responds no.

“We could blow-up the US?” offers North Korea, politely.

“Thank-you for the offer!” says Lacey seriously.

“But too many people would go to Hell.” says the Trump man.

“Or would suffer in Purgatory.” says Lacey.

“The Illuminati can’t kill me. It’s too scary and complicated.” says Mr. Blue.

“Yeah! It’s psychologically impossible for them to understand.” says the Trump man about Mr. Blue. “Because then they have to admit they were wrong about a lot of evil. …And a lot of the American Dream looks like potential rubbish.”

“Why can’t we both be going to concentration camps?” asks a Trump supporter of the angry gay man on the left. “They’ll torture her first and if her faith is superior to our faith…they’ll feel vindicated in killing off plebs. …We’re both plebs.”

Homage by Mild High Club plays.

“And we hate each other so we can’t support each other.” he says.

“Yeah…but…she’s telling you this.” says the elite woman. “Knowing…she’s warning you. Knowing…she’ll have to fight us off? Or knowing…we’ll use this to justify our violence…but it’s still worth it to warn you anyway? She fears God and loves people.”

“They didn’t control you to hate her. You chose that on your own?” asks the Trump man.

“But we hate her for fucking…Michael as a ghost. Or Lem…as a ghost?” asks the Charismatic crew.

“Because she still pretends to be a Christian!” says Summertime Sadness.

Bobby Jr. spins to the sound of After Dark by Mr.Kitty. Pat Wilson cheers him on.

“Who are you?!” Bobby asks Pat Wilson, annoyed.

“I’m Joe’s wife.” she says.

He stops twirling. Glares at her.

“Is Joe your father?” she asks him.

“No! Yes! Maybe… …What’s it to you?!?” he asks.

“I’m Joe’s wife.” she says.

“Joe who?” he says.

“Your uncle, Joe Kennedy Jr..” she says.

“Whatever. You’re his first wife.” he says.

“No. More likely second.” she says.

“Then they’ll be a third!” says Bobby.

“Are we getting shipped off to concentration camps?” asks the angry gay man on the left.

“I highly doubt it!” says Bobby.

“I don’t.” says the Charismatic Christian.

“Will it be their Holocaust or your holocaust?” asks a Jew. “Just a heads-up…that’ll be a contentious issue.”

“You could share the Holocaust!” suggests Lacey.

“What’s it like to die slowly?” asks a Gen Z gay man of Lacey, hatefully but seriously.

“It’s Hellish at first. But as you die…if you’re a Christian…God gives you grace.” says Lacey. “That’s why it’s essential to worship God. The God of the Bible.”

“So survival isn’t necessary.” says the Gen Z man.

“No!! Certainly not. But…suicide should be avoided and you must protect your kids or kids. Instead, pray for death if necessary.” says Lacey.

“We’re tired of babysitting such spoiled idiots.” says China to the U.S.

“How well do you know your family?” a Christian asks Bobby.

“I know them!” he says.

“But…how well do you know Lem?” asks the Charismatic.

“I knew him!” he says.

“How well did you know Joe Jr.?” asks the Christian.

“He died before I was born.” he says.

“So…you never even met him?” asks the Charismatic in confusion.

“No! So what?! It’s my family!” he says.

“And your family wants to kill Lacey?” asks a Boomer.

“Yes! But in my mind that’s bad.” he says.

“Why?” they ask.

“It’s what our spirit guides are telling us.” he says. “Our demons?”

“So…why should we trust them?” asks the Charismatic.

“They’re… It’s… It’s… Umm. See…what you don’t understand… You don’t… We just…” he says. “It’s a spirit guide.”

“How do they guide you?” asks a liberal.

“Like how Lem leads Lacey when he makes her orgasm.” says a Lutib.

“That’s a damn lie!” he says.

“How do you scientifically know that isn’t Lem?” asks the angry gay man on the left.

“Gay men don’t have sex with women.” says Bobby.

“Yeah! But what if he was bisexual?!?” asks the angry gay man.

“Bisexual men are just gay men in disguise.” says Bobby.

“Like your uncle?!” asks the trans woman.

“My uncle wasn’t attracted to men. …Was he?” asks Bobby.

“Bobby, who’s Pat Wilson?!?” asks another gay man.

“I barely know.” he says bitterly.

“Yeah…so…maybe you should be careful.” says the Millennial woman to Bobby condescendingly.

“They’re my family!” he says.

“True! But Pat Wilson is my wife. And I’m kind of a big deal.” says Joe Jr. to his nephew.

“But you’re dead.” says Bobby. “And I’m not.”

“Then what’s a spirit guide?!” asks Joe Jr..

“There’s going to be a Holocaust!” says a Charismatic.

More later.

Choke by Soft Kill plays.

The Trump man either pretends to seduce Lacey or almost does. Even if she’s an old formulation she’s still arguably more feminine and arousing than a lot of the women he’s exposed to.

But she resists. She sees what could be between them. He does too. Because it’s the Illuminati. But…he’s not Lem. He’s not Michael. And…she wouldn’t want him to be stuck with her anyway.

“Would I have dated you?” he asks.

“No. But if you weren’t surrounded by a herd of violent women who who hated me…I might have drunkenly thrown myself at you.” says Lacey.

“Yeah right!” he says.

“No…I would have. But I’m too old now.” she says.

“You also got thrown down the stairs.” he says.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

“You’re a wasted life form.” he says sadly.

“Well…I’m still a mom.” says Lacey seriously.

“And that’s why I don’t feel guilty flirting with you. If they want me to respect them…they should have kept you from falling down the stairs.” he says.

“Fair enough.” says Lem.

“Who did you trust her with that betrayed you?” the Trump man asks Lem.

“It might have been Rose. Or Joe Jr..” says Lem.

Warning Sign by Coldplay plays.

“You’ve involved Purgatory, Lacey!” says the Trump man to her.

“It wasn’t meant for evil.” she says.

“I really do need a wife.” says the Trump man.

“I understand!” says Lacey empathetically.

“You were a man?!?” he asks her, acting aghast.

“No! I just understand what it’s like to be so lonely.” she says.

He smiles. “Do you really think I’m that good-looking?”

“You are!” she says.

“You are sooo available!” he says.

“So are you!” she says sweetly, thoughtfully.

“Yeah.” he says playfully. “But…you’re the woman.”

“Are we sleeping together right now?” she asks.

They sit and think.

“I don’t know if we are or not.” says Lacey.

“Because it doesn’t seem like it.” he says.

“No, it doesn’t. But are we?” she asks.

He laughs. “I can’t talk about sex with you without it turning into sex between us.”

“Why?” asks Lacey seriously.

“Because you’re so available…to me.” he says.

“And it’s fun to think…that you alone could fully posses me? Or it’s something else?” asks Lacey.

“It’s fun to consider possession…but it’s also…the sense of closeness. Neither of us are open people.” he says.

“True.” says Lacey. “Are you okay?”

“No!” he says.

“You’re an incredibly handsome man. You’re-“ says Lacey.

He interrupts, “You’re hot! But okay, go on.”

“You can’t find anyone?” she asks in genuine concern.

“No. Yes. Kind of.” he says.

“Would you destroy me? If I was younger? And unmarried?” asks Lacey.

“Mmmm…”. He thinks. “Like kill you?”

She laughs. “Yes!

The liberals and Democrats who set these two up psychically to arouse each other are freaking-out.

Homage by Mild High Club plays.

“I doubt you’d end up dead!” he says.

“Would I want to die or would I fall down the stairs?” asks Lacey.

He laughs. He laughs. He considers. “I doubt it!”

“Worse or better?” she asks.

He thinks. “Better.” he says.

“Then maybe it’s sad I’m not younger and near you? Maybe?” she says.

“Yeah!” he says.

“Hmm. If you’re really this nice…I truly hope you find someone who makes you happy.” says Lacey. “And who you deserve!”

He thinks. “What about you?”

“Why do you need to worry about that do you think? Serious question.” she asks.

“My god…you really are that attracted to me.” he says.

She shrugs. “Yes! I am!”

“Would you sleep with me?” he asks.

“I want to. But I might not. Would you want to?” she asks.

“You’re almost 40.” he says sadly.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

He thinks. “Yeah!”

“Does that mean much though?” she asks.

He laughs. Laughs again. “Maybe not?”

“It should.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I know.” he says.

“You’re really pretty!” he says.

“Do you mean that or are you trying to sleep with me?” she asks.

“I would be fucking you right now if I was Lem or Michael. Or Louis. Wouldn’t I?” he asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey. “But they would also be in love with me and wanting monogamous commitment.”

“But for real though?!?” he says.

“As far as I can tell, yes!” says Lacey.

“Dear God…you could be my wife.” he says.

“Truly?” asks Lacey.

He smiles. “Yes!”

“But would you want marriage?” she asks.

“Do I seem gay to you?” he asks.

“Not necessarily. It’s unclear.” she says, unworried.

He smiles. “What if I’m bisexual and in the closet?”

“What if you’re straight?” asks Lacey. “And earnest…and exhausted?”

“Yeah! What if I just masturbated to be able to finish this conversation?” he asks.

“That seems unlikely.” says Lacey. “But I don’t know, of course.”

“I might have.” he says smiling.

“You poor thing.” says Lacey sincerely.

“For you all you know, I could be a demon tricking you.” he says.

“You could be!” she says happily. “It’s sad to think you are in the Illuminati, utterly lonely…and so glorious possibly.”

“So if I wanted to screw-you, I’d have to arrange the whole thing and instigate it entirely myself and it’s not something you’d want with anyone but me. Necessarily for the rest of our lives?” he asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey. “If I agreed to it.”

“You would!” he says.

“Maybe!” she says.

“If not for Lem and Michael!” he says.

“Yes!” she says.

He laughs. “You’d get stolen from me. If I didn’t kill you or love you.”

“Yes!” says Lacey. “If I’m that beautiful or ever was.”

They sit and think.

“Are you okay?!” asks Lacey.

“Are you okay?!” he asks.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“No.” he says.

“I’m not okay either.” she says.

“What can I do to help you other than falling in love with you?” asks Lacey.

“What if we’re both suicidal?” he asks.

“Are you suicidal?!” asks Lacey.

“Slightly, sometimes.” he says.

“I’m sorry… I hope it’s not over women.” says Lacey.

“It is.” he says.

“You know I’d sleep with you, if I could. But…does that mean anything?” asks Lacey.

“Could you love me?!” he asks.

“Are you an evil person?” she asks.

“No!” he says. He smiles.

“Then yes.” she says.

“So the real question is if I could love you.” he says.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

He thinks of coming on to her. Michael wants to. He rubs his forehead in sexual frustration.

“Yes!” he says. “I think if I slept with you…I’d get addicted.” he says. “At the very least.”

“But that’s not all there is to love. So…does it mean anything?” asks Lacey. “Because if it means anything than even if I don’t…you matter too. Isn’t that grim?”

“They delegitimize you to attack my self-worth?” he says.

“Yes! And vice versa…but I don’t fall for it.” says Lacey.

“What if we’d be hotter in bed than they are?” he asks. “What if we’d look like statues of Greek and Roman gods and goddesses losing themselves to each other in fits of boundless passion?”

“Yes! What if!” says Lacey.

“And you don’t do it without love?” he asks.

“No! I’ve been wrong. But it’s my bare minimum. Ideally I need marriage. But society doesn’t condone such…stern proclivities.” says Lacey.

“She could just be my wife.” says Lem.

“But doesn’t… Hmm. I’ll have to think about that.” he says. “Yeah…if you exist…it’s a shame we aren’t more honest. But…maybe…you do belong to Lem. If not, I fully intend to pursue you someday in Heaven. Should I not find someone better.” he says.

“If I’m with Lem, there’s certainly someone better for you.” says Lacey. “You’re so lovable.”

“Or at least, he could be.” says Michael.

Bad Memory by K.Flay plays.

“Is Joe just a bad memory?” asks Lem.

Lacey sprays Memo Marfa on her wrist.

“No! He’s just not…a thing.” says Lacey.

“Like he never truly existed?” asks Lem.

“Yes! Did he even happen?” asks Lacey.

“Or were you just fooled?!” asks Lem.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

“Your figure is the female equivalent of mine.” he says. “Or it’s better.”

“I don’t know what to make of Joe.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I know.” he says.

“Do you care?!” she asks.

He thinks. “Yes!”

“Do you hear what the Democrats are saying? They’re harassing me with your body!” says Lacey.

“And what does that do?” he asks.

“I makes me want to throw myself even more at that Trump man.” says Lacey, thoughtfully.

He laughs.

“I would never let that happen. Unless he loved her more than me. Or you.” says Michael.

Lem looks solemn. Broken.

“Lacey is so weak.” he says.

“She’s a woman!” says Michael.

“She’s not like them.” he says.

“Well…I like my women to be like that.” says Michael.

Lem laughs. “But how do you keep her faithful?”

“Well…you don’t suck a man’s cock to start with, at least not to reject her. Going on from there…you marry her…stay faithful. Tell her how much you love her. And you only marry her if you love her.” says Michael.

“So she doesn’t just know?!” asks Lem.

“How would she? You aren’t married.” he says.

“Because we could just instantly fall in love.” says Lem.

“But…she doesn’t know.” says Michael.

“So she can’t even tell when a man finds her attractive?” asks Lem.

“No! She’s not like that.” says Michael, crying.

“How do you know that?!” asks Lem.

“It’s written all over her face.” says Michael.

“So…she can literally win wars…but she has no conception how men perceive her other than when they tell her or show her?” asks Lem.

“Yes! Isn’t that nice?” says Michael.


Lacey makes dinner. Wobbly almost tries to rape Lacey out of a sense family pride.

Move by Saint Motel plays.

“She’s so in love!” he says seriously.

“No!” says Lacey. “I’m not!”

“Then why do I sense intense emotion from you?!” he asks Lacey. “It feels personal.”

“I think it’s my feelings for your uncle.” says Lacey.

“You’re over him!” he says.

“But I wasn’t before! And now I’m in love with Lem.” says Lacey.

“They’re dead!” he says.

“Lacey…isn’t it weird how hot, tall, handsome men in suits in Manhattan always want to sleep with you?” asks a model of Lacey.

“Yes! I have noticed that trend my whole adult life.” says Lacey.

“Then why haven’t you slept with them?!?” asks The Loudest Perfume Hater.

Lacey’s goes to cook for a second.

“Because it’s immoral. I don’t want to sleep with men before marriage. I might have made an exception for a rare man…but that’s based on my principles and worldview and I wouldn’t recommend you try it.” says Lacey.

“So they genuinely came on to you?” asks a Suzanne. “What was that like?”

“One stared at me from across a crowded Chinese restaurant. He looked like a young Aaron Eckhart. And our eyes kept meeting. And then finally he stared aggressively and consistently at me as he got up to leave like he was inviting me to follow him.“ says Lacey. “He looked disgusted when I didn’t get up too.” She thinks. “Then one threw his arm around me and tried to direct me in his direction.”

“Like on the street? In Manhattan?” asks The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Yes! It was night. And he just walked-up to me and threw his arm around me.” says Lacey.

“What were you wearing?” asks a Lana. And no, she’s not being a loser.

“Jeans…tan driving shoes, and we’ll say a black form fitting wool sweater.” says Lacey. “And a leather or canvas tote.”

“Which perfume?” she asks.

“Marc Jacobs, Marc Jacobs.” says Lacey.

“And you have a Mary Tyler Moore/Marilyn Monroe/Gloria Swanson figure?” asks a rockstar.

“Close!” says Michael.

“But average men don’t literally try to carry you away with them?” asks a Gen Z woman.

“And we’ve decided that these men knew what they were doing?!?” asks a lesbian.

“You’re crazy! None of that ever happened!” says a Casi to Lacey.

“No!!! Stop! I was there! It happened! Men often tried to pick her up.” says an Ana. “Often!! It drove me nuts! I told her face was ugly and she took it to heart and thanked me for it. And that week she had those men come on to her.”

“There is no objective measure of beauty!” says a lesbian who’s average looking.

“That’s not true!” says an actor.

“Why can’t it be true?!” ask The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Because it’s not fact.” says Lem.

“So Lacey was unusually genuinely arousing. …Why is that that big of a deal?” asks The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Why couldn’t she mate in a more normal way?” says an anthropologist.

“Because Michael wasn’t there to grab her bare shoulders, whisper in her ear and claim her.” says a man in England.

“So him being that aggressive was a good thing?” asks The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Yes! Because it was him.” says a Suzanne.

“Would the Kennedy’s have noticed Lem was sleeping with Lacey?” asks Louis’s sister.

“No!” says Joe Sr..

“So if Lem was straight…that whole thing was a big woops!” says a Gen X woman.

“Even if he was bisexual.” says a historian.

“Well…anyway.” says Lacey.

“I didn’t realize she could be stolen from me.” says Joe Jr..

More later.

“Halloween is an American holiday tradition, like Easter.” says a Summertime Sadness.

“Why do you feel the need to share that right now?” asks Lacey.

“Because I read your blog and you keep pissing me off! I wanted to mock your intelligence you smug bitch!”

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because! You piss me off!!” he yells.

“Why? You aren’t…being clear.” says Lacey.

“You cannot be that clueless!!!” he shrieks.

“About what?” asks Lacey.

“About us!” he says.

US?!” she asks.

He shrugs. Smiles.


“What does this shrug and smile mean?” asks Lacey.

“I thought you knew.” he says.

“No! I don’t! What does it mean?” asks Lacey.

“It means I like you.” he says.

“But I just blocked you.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I don’t like you!” he says.

“Why?!?” she asks.

“You just assumed I’d find you attractive!” he says.

“When?” she asks.

“At first!” he says in anger.

“Yeah…I didn’t assume that.” Lacey says.

“What did you assume?” he asks.

“That you were probably a nice person.” says Lacey.

“Am I?” he asks.

“No! Not at all to me.” says Lacey. “To me you’ve been hostile the whole time.”

“Do you think I’m actually a narcissist?” he asks.

“I think you’ve become increasingly narcissistic the longer I’ve watched you.” says Lacey. “I’m not sure you are a clinical narcissist. …You seemed naive but sweet at first.” She thinks. “Was that your relative who asked us for money in the first livestream I watched?”

“No!” he says.

“Really?!” asks Lacey.

“No!” he says.

“Okay. Because I started to wonder. You started to seem like a con-artist.” says Lacey.

“You needed prayer that night. Didn’t you?” he asks.

“Yes! Very much so.” says Lacey.

“I have a crush on you.” he says.

“Did it really hurt you when I slept with ghosts?” asks Lacey.

“Maybe.” he says.

“Even though we never really had a real relationship conversation?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah, it probably did.” says Louis Hill Jr. to Jonah.

“I’m sorry I hurt you with that! It’s been extremely confusing to me.” says Lacey.

“So you did care about me?” he says.

Lacey is slightly shocked. “How could you reason the I didn’t care at all?” Then she thinks. “No, I cared. It’s just that…you never were clear. And I felt sad. And I felt lonely. And I didn’t have the emotional capacity to hang on for you to say or do something that I could take seriously as a sign of interest.”

“So these dead men literally seduced you the very same night I first invited you to a live?” he asks.

“Well…they might be real men. And if so their relationships with me predates me even knowing you exist. …Actually, I had a crush on Lem before you were even born.”

“It’s true! She saw a photo of me. And she automatically thought it was dangerous to crush on me but she also thought I was astounding.” says Lem.

“Did I remind you of Lem?” he asks.

“Yes!” she says.

“Yeah!” Lem can be audibly heard saying.

He looks sad. “So you thought it was like…a blessing from God? Because I’m alive and was seemingly a Christian.”

“Yes!” she says.

“Why did you follow me?” he asks.

“The third time?” she asks.

“Yeah!” he says.

“Because of your content. It seemed silly to waste your good content.” she says.

“But you unfollowed me because of Halloween?” he asks.

“You pushed celebrating Halloween. It felt like it anyway… And I was feeling very rejected by you at that point. And when your continuous Halloween party got old I decided to make a point of it. Because you just seemed…very foolish on that issue.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I can’t handle giving-up Halloween.” he says.

“Too many good memories?” Lem asks.

“Yes!” he says. He thinks. “I don’t like you!”

“Why?” asks the Trump man.

“Because he hurt me.” says a Jonah.

“I shouldn’t have let her fall for you. I’m sorry.” says Lem

“Okay, I’m sorry too. I truly don’t understand how you guys think. Because to me it’s fun to wonder if someone likes me.” he says.

“Why is that fun?” asks Lacey.

“Oh wow…yeah. Umm. Just…because you kind of know they do. But…it’s like…exciting.” says Summertime Sadness.

“That’s exasperating to me.” says Lacey.

“Why?” he asks.

“When you do get to make-out? Or hold hands? Or…anything sexual?!” asks Lacey.

“So it’s just…what? Obnoxious?” he asks.

“Well…it’s sad.” says Lacey.

“Because it seems fake?” he asks.

“Strange.” says Lacey.

“You seem strange.” he says.

“I’m not necessarily saying you’re strange.” she says.

(Adult content below)

“Yeah. But…why would you sleep with Michael so quickly?”

“Because it’s entirely natural.” says Lacey. “But it’s also intriguing that you assumed that. Why?”

“It’s natural to make love right away?!” he asks.

“Honestly…yes. It is for me. It’s far more natural than waiting and waiting for a meaningless evil.” says Lacey

“Meaningless evil?” he asks.

“Yes! It’s only our fallen world that necessitates waiting emerald. When it comes to Lem and Michael I don’t think we needed to wait to make love. Not the three of us. I mean Lem and me or Michael and me.” She thinks. “For whatever reason it was unnecessary and untrue to wait. So…we might have just made love and committed ourselves to each other hastily afterward or during making love.”

“Right away?!?” he asks.

“That’s right!” says Michael.

“I would have gotten her pregnant anyway.” says Lem.

Summertime Sadness looks shocked. Fascinated. Perplexed.

“So if you got her pregnant…that would have made your decision for you? Or you would have known before then??” he asks.

“I would have known far before then.” says Lem.

“And so would have I!” says Michael.

“So…you…sleep with soulmates on the first date.” says Summertime Sadness.

“Not always.” says Louis.

“But with me she would.” says Lem.

“And you wouldn’t regret it?” he asks.

“No!!” says Lem. “It’s our favorite thing to relive. Or it has been.”

“Same thing with me.” says Michael. “If she’s with me.”

“So you aren’t at all afraid of sex? You just hold it to a very high standard?” he asks of Lacey.

“No! It’s one of my favorite things.” says Lacey. “But it’s also sex. It’s not something to do with any lack of regard.”

“And the only meaningful, good sex you’ve ever had is with ghosts?!?” he asks.

“Yes! Most living men today aren’t going to sleep with someone on the first date because they are self-aware enough to need that.” says the Trump man.

“That’s true!” says Lacey.

He thinks. “So what’s that like?!” he asks Michael.

“What’s what like?!” asks Lem.

“Have you seen porn today?!” he asks Lem.

“I have seen it just for the sake of reference. It was. Vile.” He thinks. “It was depressing.”

“So…it was that much better in the past?” he says.

“Yes!” says Michael.

“What’s the difference?” he asks.

“Do you ever enjoy anything?” asks Lem.

He thinks. “My work.”

“Your sketches?” he asks.

“Yes!” he says.

“Imagine that amount of joy and fascination concentrated into five minutes of just staring into a woman’s eyes. That was average.” says Lem.

“So my passion would seem normal.” he says.

“Far more so.” says Michael.

Put Your Head On My Shoulder by Paul Anka plays.

“This song is depressing.” says Lem.

“Why?” asks Summertime Sadness.

“That woman is so…dominant.” he says.

“But I suppose that’s what turns you on?” asks Lacey.

“Being come on to?” Summertime Sadness asks Lacey.

Gimme Shelter plays.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“No! I’m just…more of a let it happen type of person. So equality.” he says.

“Good!” says Lacey.

“I’ll have to apologize in Heaven. Right now, I probably hate you for being uncool. Right?” he says.

“Only God knows for sure.” says Lacey.