Kitchen Cabinet

Big Bear Stomp by Lu Watters’ Yerba Buena Jazz Band plays.

“Lacey can’t believe I essentially acted the role of gay man my whole adult life.” says Lem. “But I cant let her go. Because it’s impossible.”

“Or she’ll just float off into my arms.” says Michael.

“Or mine.” says Louis.

“But…everyday it’s shocking to her to consider. Much like the idea that we exist. She can’t fathom it entirely.” says Lem.

“And she is lost. But…we’ll sort it out. She belongs to one of us. Forever.” says Michael.

“Is her birth father Thomas Banks?” asks a perfume hater.

“We can’t answer that. Some questions we can’t answer until God let’s us.” says Lem. “But if she really pressed me on that question I might tell her.”

“Why?” asks the woman.

“Because we have to to be respectful of God’s design. His timing is essential to follow.” says Lem.

“Lem why did you go to such great lengths to act gay?!” asks a straight man.

“I actually was perceived as being very frigid sexually by men.” says Lem. He laughs.

“Because you didn’t actually want to do it?” asks the straight man.

“Yes!” he says. “But those were different times. It was easier to have that misunderstanding back then.”

“But you did the voice? And the mannerisms?” asks the straight man.

“I did. But Lacey would have seen through them.” he says. “So apparently they were good…but not entirely consistent or convincing.”

“You convinced me.” says a gay man.

“Not really though, if I’m Lem and I was straight. Search your subconscious and you’ll find slight doubts.” he says.

“Why does that make me wonder if I can’t handle it for complex reasons?” asks the gay man. “You possibly being straight, that is.”

“That makes sense, if he was straight.” says Lacey.

More later.

Sugar Foot Stomp plays.

“Lem…why do we get scared?” asks a Woody.

“Because if I’m homosexual and/or was homosexual then your perceptions of reality that you were told to believe are likely correct. …And you were told these conceptions of reality by the media. And nobody wants to think they they’ve just been constantly and consistently lied to by people who make quality movies or write for The Atlantic Monthly. …Because a lot of good, essential core values of a stable society are also in those sources of information. …So it’s terrifying to consider because subconsciously you attached other doubts about your societally taught sense of reality to doubts about me. …If you consider I might have pretended to be gay my whole adult life…you might also have a tendency to start wondering if all homosexuals are mentally ill. …You might start reconsidering all the comforting things you were told that seemed secretly questionable. Because we repress a lot of doubt everyday in contemporary society to feel better. We repress an incredible amount of fear and apprehension. And if I was straight…it’s very embarrassing. It’s proof that we don’t know far more than we want to admit. …Not just about pop-conspiracy things like aliens but about things like slavery, the founding of the U.S., men and women and love itself. It reminds us that science has only gone so far and no further than that.”

“Why did you pit getting married and being content against trying to live life as a closeted gay man in the 1960’s?” asks a gay man of Lem.

“You ask an interesting question. …Maybe consider that I possibly wasn’t gay at all and it will make sense.” says Lem smiling.

“Because you were a sex starved, raped, fake…tragic man?” asks a lesbian with hidden feelings they seem quite hostile.

“Exactly! Yes. I was.” says Lem.

“Why didn’t you just screw some woman?” asks the lesbian.

“Because that wasn’t something I believed was moral to do. And I…had excuses I gave Jack. But I didn’t feel right doing it.” he says.

“Are you a fallen angel?” asks a Christian who has been taught that Heaven and Hell don’t exist and that when you die you essentially just sleep until the End Times.

“No! We’re being allowed to talk to Lacey. But we’re ghosts.” he says.

“We’re in what’s basically Purgatory.” says Louis.

“So you are dead though?!” asks a Trump man.

“Yup!” says Lem laughing.

“We’re alive in Christ!” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“So…unless she misheard you…and you’ve chosen to just let it be for now…you were straight?!?” asks a psychic medium of Lem.

“That’s what she’s been told. And…it’s true. Right? …Wrong? How do you know? …If I’m Lem…she feels like she’s lying to quote me as saying I was anything but heterosexual. And that’s actually been very difficult for her. Because she was never intending to be that contrary.” says Lem.

More later.

Lem and Lacey talk. He explains that he loves her…entirely as a husband could and should. That what they share is eternal.

“And if it doesn’t work out…I’ll drop everything, alter my orientation if necessary to heterosexual if it isn’t already…and you’ll be with me. No one else! Ever. End of story. Just me. I’m your only other option. Period.” says Michael to Lacey.

“So if it’s not Lem…it’s only you?” asks Lacey of Michael.

“YES! FOREVER!” he says.

Lacey relaxes.

“No caveats?” ask Lacey.

“It’s Lem who likely has you for eternity. But if not, it’s me. And I’ll fix whatever needs fixing to be with you. Relax!” says Michael.

“That’s wonderful.” says Lacey.

“But Lem is her soulmate.” says God smiling.

“And it’s nice to be done with it!” says Lacey.

“But what about my face?” asks the Trump man.

“Yes! True. But I actually find Lem more attractive. …More than anyone. Ever. At least, anyone I know of. But possibly anyone. And if so there’s not a concern. …Otherwise…I defer to Michael.” says Lacey.

“But it’s me. And my main concern has always been that I’m not perfect enough.” says Lem.

“My flaws are everywhere. And every time she says she wants me…I wonder if she understands how awkward I was. But then she says she doesn’t care…and that they make her want me more. …And I feel worried.” He looks serious. “She’s my wife. If a woman that lovely finds all my flaws so lovable and wants me even more…she’s likely my wife if she’s Lacey. …Which sounds illogical, but it isn’t. So…then there’s no one else, but that’s not what the problem is. The only issue Lacey has with me is about my perfection being too perfect for her. And what I want her to understand is that we’re perfect for each other.” He thinks. “And she has forever to understand that because I’m never letting her go. Only God Himself can separate us.”

Later Lacey is forced to re-realize she saw the inside of Lem’s apartment. The actual inside of his apartment. When she’d never seen it before. Of course later something prompted her to research it, partially because Truman Capote have seemingly lived in the same building…and it was the same apartment.

“It’s just…shocking.” says Lacey.

“And your mind wants to find ways to make sense of it.” says a living gay man who’s seriously wondering himself what she’s experiencing.

“Yes!” she says.

“But there are no explanations that hold water outside of the supernatural?” he asks.

“Not really. …If the Illuminati exists theoretically someone could have channeled me an image of his apartment. …But…I felt like I was with him spiritually while I visited his apartment. Like…I felt like I was with him in spirit. Not…being influenced by anyone else.” says Lacey.

“Are you like secretly Wiccan?” he asks.

“No!” she says.

“Christians struggle to understand that. Don’t they?” he asks.

“Yes! It’s terrifying.” says Lacey. “Because…I can’t make sense of it in my brain.”

“How?!?” he asks.

“They often insist I’m conjuring people. But often it’s more like…I’ll be sitting feeling lonely and Lem will start talking to me. Or Michael. Or Louis. Louis is very caring. …And at first I forget they’re dead so I start talking to them.” says Lacey. “And that sounds so ditzy. But I’m a very empathetic person and I’ve been extremely lonely…so it’s instinctual. Like…I forget not to respond. And then halfway through a deep, soul-searching, often romantic interaction…I think, ‘Wait! You’re dead!’”

505 by Arctic Monkeys plays.

“Wait! Wait! …You mean to tell me you literally forget they’re dead?!?” asks another gay man.

“Yes!” says Lacey. “I know it sounds impossible. But…they’re loud in my brain.” She thinks. “Frequently their voices can even be heard. It’s like…living humans without bodies. But…they aren’t made of our physical building blocks, I don’t think.”

“Let’s say they are in Purgatory…and let’s go a crazy step further and say Lem is your soulmate.” says a Catholic priest. “Or even Michael.” He thinks. “Have you cognitively recognized that these are real men?”

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey plays.

“Yes! But in an F. Scott Fitzgerald cognitive-dissonance-is-cool type of way.” says Lacey.

“Will they let you date anyone but them?” asks Summertime Sadness.

“So far it hasn’t worked out.” says Lacey. “But…if they are real men…it probably can’t work out.”

“Do you think God might lead you to be faithful to them?” asks the Catholic man.

“Yes! If they’re real dead men.” says Lacey.

“You know…if Lem was straight…other than his birth family…I have a feeling you’re one of the only people who truly knows that. Other than people who like to read your blog.” says a gay man. “And who agree with you, obviously.”

“Yes. That’s also a very odd feeling. Although, if God has allowed it I feel blessed. But…it’s just not clear to me how God feels.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think it’s safe if God isn’t fully behind it.” says the Catholic priest.

“I agree. …I’m baffled.” says Lacey.

“So…here’s what I’m wondering: Are you truly committing to these real men in Purgatory? For forever?” he asks. “Not theoretical forever…but real forever.” He smiles. “Not until death do we part. Forever.”

“My understanding is that the answer is yes.” says Lacey.

“I doubt reincarnation has been interpreted out of scripture. But…your story fascinates me. And…I hope you think it through. …As sacrilegious or heretical as it might seem to you as an Evangelical Christian…just be aware of what you could really be doing.” says the Catholic priest.

“I have. And I know myself well enough. What I don’t know is what’s truly happening and what God knows.” says Lacey.

“Just keep asking for forgiveness and mercy and wisdom from God.” he says.