Who really was Lem Billings? …Was he really just a heterosexual…bespectacled…handsome certainly…tall…extremely intelligent and sensitive man? Taller and both less and more old money than Louis Hill Jr. and Harold Loeb? But otherwise…extremely similar. Louis and Harold were straight. But…they were of the era when men were allowed to be on the rowing team and still voraciously collect art. Be obsessed with beauty. Lose themselves to women like F. Scott Fitzgerald did with Zelda. …Scott wasn’t gay…and according to him both alive and dead was and is straight.
“The Great Gatsby is about homosexuality! Our professor told us so! We had a whole class about it!” said a closeted Theater major in college to Lacey. He was controlling, psychologically violent and very condescending.
But how did that conversation become so personal and hostile towards Lacey?
Funny question…isn’t it?
“I helped inspire The Great Gatsby. My whole family did.” says Louis Hill Jr..
“I wrote…The Great Gatsby.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald. “Actually…I am…Francis Scott Fitzgerald.”
“Mmhmm.” says Zelda lusciously.
“No!! I interpret the text now!” says Dr. Moritz of the text in the future.
“And I think Scott wanted cock!” says a gay man covering his mouth with one hand like he’s dropping a super-cute “truth bomb.”
Trying to humble herself a self-labeled “queer woman” wearing glasses tries to ground herself enough to partake in this conversation she assumes belongs to her. “Umm…okay…Scott…what was your…umm…?”
“His what princess?!” asks Zelda, annoyed.
The “queer woman” looks at Zelda like she’s a piece of shit interrupting a “a real adult conversation.”
JFK shakes his ass in victory. “Guys rule, girls drool!” he says seriously, high.
“Jack…that’s funny. But what even is a woman?!” asks the “queer woman.”
“A combination of poop and Satan! A mistake!” says JFK.
“Jack why do we hate women today?” asks the “queer woman.”
“I was straight!” yells Scott Fitzgerald at living humanity through an army of demons.
“What’s that, loser!?” says the “queer Gen Z woman.” “DID YOU JUST COPY THAT FROM YOUR WIFE?!??”
Jack is too high to answer.
“Why do you care if Scott copied that sentence from his wife if his wife is a woman?” asks Lacey of the “queer Gen. Z woman.”
“Shut-up!” says the “queer Gen. Z woman” to Lacey.
“You know…here’s an interesting question: Why do lesbians always try or imitate men if they’re really lesbians?” asks Lacey. “Doesn’t that seem weird? Couldn’t it be that homosexuals don’t exist and they’re all just non-binary people?”
“But then that would make you a lesbian for dating Lem!” says the “queer Gen. Z woman” to Lacey like she’s caught Lacey.
“That was seemingly fake. He’s totally masculine and straight around me.” says Lacey.
“You’re an idiot!” says the “queer Gen. Z woman” to Lacey.
“Answer the question!” says Dr. Moritz.
“Who the fuck are you?!? I’m an expert!” says the “queer Gen. Z woman.”
“Chris Hayes says that the elite and experts and truth don’t exist anymore! So…sure. You can be whatever you want!” says Mr. Blue.
“Then I’m an expert!” says the “queer Gen. Z woman.”
“Actually, according to Postmodernists you are. More than they are.” says Lacey.
“Then you’re all Lem Billings and you’re all in love with me!! FOREVER!!!!” say JFK twirling on a beach.
“Yeah! So you know those Christian idiots we all hate?!? Like…why don’t we kill them if they won’t molest kids?! And burn down forests?!?” says a Satanist in the Illuminati.
“Do I get to be old money and beautiful and loved by everyone and going to Heaven when I die without submission to Christ?” asks à Postmodernist professor who DOGMATICALLY proclaimed and demanded we all assume F. Scott Fitzgerald is a closeted gay.
“You’re all just full of shit!” says Lacey. “Fundamentalism is idiocy or insanity or both. But Postmodernism is nothing but an intellectual hoax.”
“You don’t think Postmodernism even exists?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“No! It’s…a con job. But no one dares to truly call anyone’s bluff because it’s a house of cards. You all over label things…of course. And…no one is honest about their true intentions. …In my opinion all bourgeois academics of the last hundred years have done is get depressed and defensive. They…assumed they’d transcend their lesser upbringing by becoming uber academic elite. And it didn’t work. So after their collective tendency to over intellectualize everything to fix it…didn’t work…and they couldn’t figure out how to live…they started in a path of societal self-destruction. And faux-intellectual nonsense fully accredited as real academic thought and not just invasive-species-bullshit…has been eating away at us every since. But…Freud and Kinsey were already going there… The thing is…it’s like art history. And you can say it’s pointless to find the the start, but…really…I doubt that’s true. I’m not positive but…I doubt it. So I say the start is probably in the 1800’s. The start of our problems, that is.” says Lacey Banks.
“Lacey are you Tommy Banks’s daughter or the first cousin thrice removed of Snowshoe Thompson?” asks the pencil skirt wearing perfume hater.
“Who even are those people and why do we care?!?” asks the “queer Gen. Z woman” in an annoyed voice.
JFK twirls.
“Okay! You’re mean!” says a Postmodernist professor to Lacey.
“Why?!” asks the “queer Gen. Z woman.”
“Because she drugged JFK!” says the professor to the Gen. Z woman.
“She’s not able to do that. She’s not fully dead.” says the “queer Gen. Z woman.”
“What’s fully dead mean to both of you since dictionaries and words and science and breathing and reality don’t matter to either of you?” asks Lacey.
“You’re a hack!” says the professor like she’s preaching a fire and brimstone sermon from a pulpit to Lacey.
“How?” asks Lacey.
“Snowshoe Thompson brought skiing to California. He was a hero. There’s a statue of him.” says the pencil skirt wearing perfume hater. “And Tommy Banks was probably the most wealthy and truly elite of all bootleggers to exist. …Like 1920’s bootleggers.”
“Hmm. You know it is weird that Tom was named Tom in The Great Gatsby.” says a gay man sipping an iced latte. “Lacey…let’s get back to Lem.”
“What about Lem?” asks F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“So you think Modernism is hoax too?!” asks another condescending professor of Lacey.
“No. And yes.” says Lacey.
“Oh my gosh! You’re like a gay guy?” asks the female professor who called Lacey a hack.
“Wait?!? What?!??” asks JFK.
“How is Modernism a hoax?!?” asks Dr. Moritz.
Keep It Healthy by Warpaint plays.
“Because it was an attempt at intellectualizing things that can’t be easily metaphorically represented in written language. Most of our academia is. That’s why poetry is so important. That’s why jazz is so important. That’s why music and art in general is meaningful. That’s why…God is essential to staying sane. Otherwise everything would fall into chaos. And we would cease to exist or something we can’t articulate that’s far worse? …People love F. Scott Fitzgerald because he wrote what we all observe but can’t put as easily into words as he did. So in a sense we were all his Zelda. We all needed him to see with our minds and label our reality with consciousness to process our pain.” says Lacey.
“Yup! And you either copy everything or are just saying things that everyone says!!” say all living Millennials and Gen. Z to Lacey like they’re convicting her of her sin with the Holy Spirit.
A Millennial lesbian tries to dance sexy for Lacey. Because they’re collectively convinced as a generation that Lacey is gay.
Holiday House by Beach House plays.
Lacey is psychologically nauseated but is polite in response nonetheless.
“So you think Lacey is a gay man?!??” JFK asks the Millennials and Gen. Z.
“Yeah. She makes me feel trashy and stupid otherwise. And just…bad about myself.” says the Millennial Postmodernist female professor. “So I cut her throat because that’s why my Boomer parents taught me to do in righteous self-defense.”
“But what if that’s a lie?!?” asks JFK incredulously.
“Jack…I’m sure…it’s…just…not a problem. Okay!? Chill dude.” says the Millennial woman professor to JFK flirtatiously.
JFK smiles. “You’re coming on to me?”
She vibes with herself in her minivan at a spotlight. “Jack I’m…not like other women. I’m not heartless.”
JFK laughs. “Why would I care?!?” He thinks. “I’m not like my brother. I don’t fuck every single woman who likes me.”
The Postmodernist Millennial female professor laughs. “Jack why do you….why do you tease me?” She tucks a bunch of her hair behind her ears.
“You aren’t my type!” says JFK, pissed-off.
“Jack! I’m a platinum blond!” says the professor.
“So what?!? You’re a stupid, horny, slutty bitch!” says JFK seriously to the female Postmodernist professor. He rides in her front passenger seat as she drives down the highway.
“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to make love with you. What are you like?” she asks him.
“I’m not interested!” he says.
“That’s funny. You’re madly in love with me!” says the woman seriously.
“No, I’m not!” says JFK seriously.
“Jack…what is it about me that makes me better than every woman who’s ever lived?” asks the female Millennial professor seriously.
“You’re not! …You’re disgusting!” says JFK enraged.
“Jack…what’s it like being madly in love with me?” she asks JFK seriously.
“I’m not!!!” he yells with increasing desperation.
“That’s hilarious, sweetheart!“ she says in an imitation of Kathryn from Cruel Intentions.
Jack weeps and asks for mercy from Jesus. He’s rescued from the Millennial Postmodernist female professor’s minivan.
“You’re not a man?” she says to Lacey in her head once Jack is gone.
“No. Of course not.” says Lacey.
Feel It All Around by Washed Out plays.
The lesbian dances.
“You’re really not attracted to women?!?!” the Postmodernist female Millennial professor asks Lacey with a knowing smile.
“No! Not at all.” says Lacey. “But what even is a woman to you?”
“I’m sure she has to be!” says a black man who’s joined the lesbian dancing.
“Then why do I feel like you’re more masculine than me?” asks the female Millennial professor of Lacey.
“Lacey is awkward. So was I.” says Lem. “I never knew what to do with my body. …How to talk. How to stand. I was…so awkward.”
The black man dances.
“Why do you think she’s gay?!” asks the female Millennial professor of the dancing black man.
“Just a second. I’m feeling this music!” says the black man.
The Asmats crack-up laughing.
The Swimmer by Max Richter plays.
“Okay! That’s better!” says the black man. He stands and thinks. “Umm…because why does she keep saying she isn’t?”
“Because you all keep saying I am. It’s in actual self-defense.” says Lacey.
“But I’m not saying that.” says the black man.
“Yes! You are!” says Harold Loeb.
“See…you’re crazy to defend her.” says the black man to Harold Loeb.
“No! You really are saying that!” says Zelda to the black man. “You really are saying she’s not straight right now!”
“No! I never said that. Nobody has ever said that!” says the black man.
“You’ve directly implied it and that is, in effect, saying that.” says Ernest Hemingway.
“Well…yeah…but that’s not the same thing as actually saying it!” he says.
“How?!? How is that better? It might be far worse!” says Scott.
“Because…she’s too dumb to understand that I’m implying it. And then I get her to confess by tricking her into admitting it!” says the black man.
“Are you an idiot?!” Zelda asks him seriously.
“No! Actually I’m not. …Hey! You’re Zelda!” the black man says in awe. …”Do I sound stupid?!?”
“Yes! You sound like a moron or evil. Which is it?!?” asks Lem.
“I tell myself she’s stupid. And fat. And irrelevant and gay and closeted and hateful.” says the black man.
“You do? Or demons do and you choose to believe them?” asks Zelda.
“Both!” says the living black man.
“When do you all reach your credit limit on your Lacey Card?” asks Lem.
Can You Hear Them Sing by Cemeteries plays.
JFK was filmed earlier. By his brother Joe on the beach.
Suddenly a commercial for the Kennedy Card from Lacey Banks Inc. plays.
The start of the commercial is a 20-something JFK dancing on a sunny beach. And over that a male voice says,
“From the lace curtain Irish, who ran some of Boston’s finest banks at the turn of the 20th Century, comes the Kennedy Card. …That’s right!! With the Kennedy Card from Lacey Banks Incorporated of Boston, you can have financial and socio-economic freedoms you never thought possible!”
A man sitting at a busy bus stop reading a book puts down his book and looks into the camera.
“Before I discovered the Kennedy Card I felt disenfranchised from the world. But with my new found dignity I can sit here and look intelligent and intellectual and respectable. Maybe someday I’ll be like a Kennedy and prove those old money bastards wrong. …But for now my Kennedy Card let’s me look smug and cruel, just as I am.” says the man at the bus stop.
“I can’t even remember what life was like as a waitress before the Kennedy Card from Lacey Banks Inc.. Actually, my whole family uses the Kennedy Card and has since before I was born. But today I’m sure I’m going to use my card hundreds of times.” says a waitress shown at work.
“Folks…citizens…ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country with the freedom provided by the Kennedy Card. With your Kennedy Card everything seems different.” says the male announcer.
JFK dances on the beach.
“Things seem classier…more tasteful…more elegant.”
The screen flashes to Jackie Kennedy in HD black and white film lighting candles on a dinner table set for a dinner party while wearing a 1960’s Givenchy ball gown.
“The next time you feel snubbed at a restaurant that’s far more expensive than you would normally be able to afford, pull out your Kennedy Card like your parents did and you’ll get: free rewards!” says the male announcer.
A man with a huge smile at a restaurant pulls out his Kennedy Card.
“It’s so easy, but with the power of just this one card I’m unstoppable. It does everything I need it to do everywhere I go.” says a man wearing a polo shirt at the restaurant.
“Get elevated to your rightful place as an American citizen and join the old money elite!” says the male announcer.
“Even in the bedroom!” says a man with a wink as he cheats on his wife with another woman. He’s literally laying on top of a woman in a bedroom. They both smile into the camera before commencing as the camera shifts to a man wearing a suit walking down an expensive pier in southern California. He walks toward the camera.
“I don’t want you to miss the opportunity to be free! Free to do what the upper class has done for centuries!” he says with dead seriousness into the camera.
Cut to JFK twirling on the sunny beach while the music plays.
…
Ashes To Ashes by David Bowie plays.
Lacey decides to talk to F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“What seems to be bothering you? Like what’s actually really bothering you?“ asks F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“The way that you just asked that question is probably one of the things that’s bothering me, but I can cope with that. It’s just a mystery and I can handle mysteries of that sort because they’re real. They’re actual mysteries.” says Lacey. She thinks. “No, I think what’s bothering me is that I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do. I feel very uneasy in my spirit about Lem Billings. …The evidence for me, that I have diligently scrutinized on behalf of my haters and opponents, points to Lem Billings being straight. I think the most telling two pieces of evidence are that he doesn’t look sad enough at JFK’s wedding – and there’s really no explanation for it because I don’t get the sense that he thought it was his wedding like there was some secret pack between them, and even if there was you and I both know that he should’ve looked sad, even as he was smiling. And he doesn’t. He looks vaguely distant and uninterested in his eyes and yet loving and almost patronizing of JFK like he looked down on him like he thought he was somehow above JFK in some way that historians have really never accounted for. …And the other thing that doesn’t really add up is that every time I look at him and always have looked at him he seems straight to me. That is just the sense that I have gotten from him and I am rarely wrong about people when it comes to some thing of that sort. Actually, I am rarely wrong about people ever. …So, based on those two pieces of evidence alone, the fact that he doesn’t seem gay to me, and that he really should’ve been somewhat heartbroken or sad in some way at the wedding that befits a spurned lover, and that he doesn’t… I have to wonder if he actually was straight and if historians have just shit all over him and insulted him and insulted his family and insulted history and really insulted themselves in the process. …And then for what purpose? To exonerate JFK from being bisexual or pansexual or gay?!? I mean it’s weird how his father was worried people would think that. …The whole thing is such absolute bullshit and it really intellectually it just-On an intellectual level it really enrages me that people are so it irresponsible with the facts when it comes so Lem Billings and JFK. There just asinine idiots and yet they’re so self righteous about it you know especially gay men and-and I don’t hate gay man, but I find them repulsive in how they’ve treated that part of history that they claim is theirs. And then for what purpose?!… I mean historians have noted that he was not normal in his way of imitating things or imitating people who were around him, or who he was trying to emulate in some weird way, for some strange psychological reason. But never mind that never mind that he seems strangely effeminate and not so much gay or bisexual as weirdly effeminate as like a veneer over what me looks to be a straight male personality. Never mind that never mind his actual personality and his actual real mannerisms underneath his façade of homosexuality. …What people don’t want to hear is that he never gave two shits about Jack at all in any romantic or sexual way at all. He didn’t give one flying fuck about him in that way according to what he’s told me himself if I am talking to his ghost. He tried to do you know if he tried to at first seemingly, but it didn’t work because he’s not homosexual and he wasn’t homosexual and it just didn’t work because it couldn’t work. Because he just didn’t understand what had happened to him when he was molested and unlike today people didn’t talk about stuff like that back then openly necessarily at all you know it was too shameful and too scary and so somehow he never had a conversation about what really had happened to him when he was molested and that he wasn’t you know magically, turned, gay. …And if I’ve if I’ve been talking to his ghost, and you’re a ghost Scott you know whether or not, that was real.” She thinks. “You’ve been very kind to me Scott, over the years you’ve made life bearable. Thank you for that.” Tears come to her eyes. She smiles. Sighs. “But the thing is I don’t know what to do because I shouldn’t be sitting here crying talking to you and you and I both know that.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald nods in agreement.
“What the heck! My Kennedy Card keeps getting declined.” says Obama jokingly out of nowhere.
“Don’t forget about me. I’m just putting that out there.” says Michael to Lacey and Scott.
“No, that’s exactly what I’m talking about though when I say I shouldn’t be talking to Scott crying I mean you I mean Louis I mean Harold but I’m saying just him but I mean all of you.” says Lacey. “The thing is, how do I reconcile the opposing points Scott? That’s the first problem. This incredible mounting evidence and seemingly his insistence that he was straight. Not just bisexual but straight. With this uneasy that I feel about the feeling that I feel about the entire thing.”
“Do you feel uneasy with other people?“ asks Scott.
“I do that’s a very good point, but does it even mean anything?“ says Lacey.
“Well, how do you feel uneasy let’s just go through each and every one of them.” says Scott.
“With Louis I don’t worry about almost anything. I just worry about this impending sense of doom that when I die, I’m going to end up in Hell or in serious trouble with God and that there is no Louis even if there is one. It’s almost like there’s either some thing I don’t understand, or if there isn’t that Satan’s only real line of attack at this point is to claim that somehow by loving him at all, not even interacting with him necessarily, but just loving him at all that I’m going to go to Hell. …With Michael I don’t worry about that so much for some reason, but it feels like there’s something profoundly evil about him in some secret way that I don’t understand. And I’m bound to be let down and devastated in some horrific way that will hurt worse than anything other than what the Hell itself. With Harold, I worry that he doesn’t really love me, and that I would never really be good enough for him, and that I’m not really what he really wants. I’m not glamorous enough for him or something.” She thinks. “Lem reminds me of you you seem so real and our love seemed so perfect but the minute that I start to get happy and get my hopes up and feel peace I just get eaten alive and it’s just absolute torment.” She thinks. “The thing is I first worry that I’m not talking to a ghost and there’s something very anti-Christian about thinking that I am. But then I let myself move past that possibility that’s evil because I find so much comfort in Catholicism. I mean they made movies about the concept that is based seemingly on some Catholic line of reasoning. With you I worried about Zelda and Sheila Graham and Genevra. Oh, and with Lem of course I worry that he really is just gay and that he’s being used somehow or that he’s evil or in someway or something.” She thinks. “And then I think no that’s what if you know what homosexuality isn’t even allowed in Heaven but then, of course, if it isn’t, maybe that’s made you know, Lem very bitter. But then I have to swirl back and realize that there’s a lot of evidence that’s real and objective to suggest that he was straight, including the fact that he has seemingly possibly told me himself with God’s help. I have prayed dozens of times for clarity and he has told me himself that he was straight that he was heterosexual 100%.” She sighs. “And it’s just a mess. Do you know it’s an absolute mess because-“
If the illuminati exists Bobby Kennedy Junior has been interrupting Lacey making it hard for her to write, trying to make the entire point of her existence about his current presidential campaign. But what’s currently interrupting her most is actually someone somewhere claiming that Lacey is JFK reincarnated although it’s unclear who it is. It could be a psychic somewhere. It could be someone the illuminati has been reading it’s unclear, but someone somewhere is having a thought, seemingly or a demon is just harassing people to say that Lacey, all the sudden is JFK reincarnated. And who is saying all this at this point? Louis Hill Junior…because I am angry and I’m right about why she’s being harassed.
“Anyway, my point is that I don’t know what to do Scott because I’m a very intuitive person because of how I grew-up you know not being loved having to ahh…on a certain level raise myself. …I think I relied a lot on my intuition probably through the Holy Spirit because I became a Christian when I was 2 1/2. I relied on my intuitive ability that was God-given. It isn’t hopefully witchcraft. It’s just to survive. …I had to sort of get a sense about things that wasn’t based on rules or logic alone. It was based on some spiritual sense not my higher self my really probably my connection with with God through the Holy Spirit because of my Christianity. But at this point, my intuition is becoming a bit confused, because I can’t discern whether that uneasy feeling means something or not traditionally it has, but this is one scenario where it doesn’t really make sense because it flies in the face of most Christian theology if not all and then it just ceases to make any sense and it becomes nonsense and then I think what even is it because it’s something. …And I cannot let it go.”
“Could it have something to do with your wealth, like your personal inherited wealth?” asks Scott.
“Like the rest of my life the next 20 to 30 or 40 years?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah…because it’s like that if Swedenborg was right. And you have a terrible choice to make right now. Do you stay with Lem and deal with the horrific legacy that he’s left behind and essentially marry him which means that he would be your husband for the next 30 to 40 years 20 years 10 years or however, long you live. I mean if he was straight it’s horrific. If would be otherwise too if it’s not allowed in heaven, but if it is something God actually has some empathy for it it’s like a sin but doesn’t send you to Hell if you’ve repented from it…then maybe it’d be different if he actually experienced homosexuality. …And that’s a lot for you to deal with because for whatever reason you can barely hear him if he’s trying to protect you if he was straight, and it’s all lies. What you do hear clearly in your spirit instead are the voices of all living gay men, claiming that he was gay as well. And you hear the voices of all of your naysayers who desperately want you to just be homophobic or narcissistic or dumb in some way. … but what they don’t understand and I do because I’m dead is that you don’t have psychological control over us. …It’s not schizophrenia because we are real and you’ve seen us move things. Literally flicker lights. You’ve heard voices that of the dead that you had no way of hearing, but you have the control of a schizophrenic over whether or not you hear us. …You’re not you know channeling us through witchcraft or something. We just start talking to you and you hear us. …Anyway, letting your life, whatever you have left of it, teach you lessons that may actually make you feel differently about love not because he wasn’t straight or anything like that but because he was Lem and Louis and Michael or Harold may actually be more what you really want or need in a man because he was Lem…and that could be all that it is believe it or not.” says Scott.
More later.
“OK I can’t stand the fact that you probably are picking up on details about Lem’s that I as a gay man can’t see or hear or sense.” says a gay man to Lacey. “And what’s terrifying to a gay man is that you’re forcing us to have to deal with a question that makes us super uneasy. Forget the whole bisexuality pansexuality like havoc because that in and of itself is terrifying to a gay guy believe me it is terrifying to us. I think it’s terrifying to some straight women too. To you apparently it’s not at all but to a lot of gay and straight people it’s very very creepy and scary. He he may not have been bisexual, or pansexual or homosexual. At all. What I have learned from a lot of witches that I have talked to you in the Illuminati is that when a message from the other side is being communicated as clearly or or adamantly as this for some reason and then you have to just kind of learn to let go and understand that there’s a message being communicated if it’s not just actual fact. …But thing is I can handle it, but I’m never gonna be OK with it because to me it feels like a personal attack. Not necessarily because you’re homophobic more because it just makes me wonder about myself or really more to the point every gay guy I’ve ever been with like were they being honest with me? But as I’m saying that I recognize that there are so many gay men in the closet even now who are confused and pretending to be straight. Possibly not even because they’re afraid of coming out but possibly because they have some idiotic assumption – not that I’m calling Lem idiot – but some idiotic assumption like he made. Like I can’t be gay because of XY and Z. …Like more to the point, ‘When I make out with my girlfriend, I feel something or when I make out with my girlfriend and we do other stuff I get an erection.’ …But then they ignore the fact that they don’t really want to make-out with their girlfriend and that they’re getting an erection because she’s touching their pants the entire time and like it’s not much of an erection OK but they make the same mistake in reverse. And I think people are unkind to you and narcissistic because you know this intuitively and it hurts that we just insist on maintaining our stupid lies. Should we be reading your blog and you be reading us instead of facing the reality that you know something that we don’t know.” says a gay actor in the Illuminati to Lacey. “People can’t stand that you’re kind and loving in a real innocent way, but then that you’re not touchable or degradable to make that love feel safe to a narcissist or people who have a tendency at all towards narcissism.”
“OK but let’s talk about this for a minute. Like why do people not get that about sex?“ says the queer Gen. Z woman.
“Because people like to think that their partner is aroused by them and it’s a simple as that and that’s always been the problem. When Lem was molested his molester wanted to think that Lem wanted it and so that’s the impression he gave him even though it wasn’t true. Not that I’m trying to call Lem’s molester his partner. …My point is that too often people can’t handle the fact that not everyone you want wants you back to the same degree or sometimes even at all. …I had an exhausting number of women in my time who paid attention to me, and wanted my response, so to speak. And I, as much as I was a straight man, did not always appreciate it. I mean I just said it was exhausting for a reason. …It seems like it’d be fun, but it does feel presumptuous at least half the time if not most of the time. As you know, I may have slept with a prostitute, but I preferred that over dealing with the gossip and cruelty and insanity and evil and stupidity of most of the women who would come onto me. They were obnoxious. And I was a deep man I wanted true love. I wanted a real marriage. I wanted something sustaining. So to me it just felt like a slap in the face; a huge insult to my character. And I wouldn’t have minded if they made it overtly at my discretion. What I couldn’t handle was the way that they would assume that I would leave my wife for them, or that I would just fall madly in love with them or that they were somehow different than everyone else for certain…for absolute certain. People today love this concept that confidence is everything. You know it’s, ‘confidence is sexy.’ Because to a man like me, that’s actually offensive. It’s abrasive; it’s pushy. It’s demanding and demeaning. Because that’s just the sort of person that I am, but men like me were destroyed, in the cultural Baby Boomer fire. There are no Millennial men almost at all – old money, or otherwise – who exist like me. From what you’ve been able to observe, and possibly in reality. We were taken out and the problem is Lacey, we’re really your perfect match. I mean you could go off with someone like Joe Kennedy Junior, and to some extent your ex-husband is like that. Some men like him still exist, although there are a lot better than they used to be as well. But he’s not who is perfect for you you needed someone like me…and you know who I am but I was dead when you were in grade school. And see I love the fact that you’re so submissive by nature to just me I’m not every single person not every single man just me…if I was with you…or just Lem or just Michael…but really that’s not that many people to be that submissive to. And there really aren’t that many women who are like that by nature alive today possibly…so you might be a bit of a rarity yourself. In many cases, Boomer men listening if there are any become very protective of you, because in their minds ah, mommy shouldn’t be so vulnerably submissive to a man that’s dangerous. And yet that’s just your nature and we know that and that’s part of the reason why if God has allowed this He’s allowed it because it’s your brain killing your body otherwise. Because your health has rapidly declined since your marriage failed in your late 20s. It’s almost as if your body is trying to find some way to die. So whether you’re illegitimate or you’re just a rarity, your body was designed your mind was designed for a very different time, very different men and they’re all dead and that’s just the way it is. …You find millennial men attractive…not as much as you find us attractive, but you, you do find them somewhat attractive. And that’s the thing: you take your own caution about not assuming people are attracted to you when you’re attracted to them much too far. The millennial men that have been attracted to you have been like Joe otherwise they just haven’t found you that attractive. You’re beauty is not the problem or your sexiness or your sexual magnetism. It’s that you seem wrong to them somehow like your body looks wrong. Our bodies would seem wrong to them too. Mine, Lem’s, Harold’s…because we look different. If Grace Kelly was born today, she would no longer be perceived as anything but average horse should be in the same camp that you’re, and Lacey people would be able to see that she was exceptionally beautiful, but they would say ‘in her own way’ meaning, ‘…not really beautiful, but in her own way, I guess you could say she’s beautiful.’” He thinks. “Your chin line is actually rare and exquisite but in certain photographs it looks terrible, but that’s not what it looks like in person. Ever. It doesn’t photograph well. Zelda’s face didn’t photograph well at all. And women will hastily say things like you have a weak chin line or you have pretty features, but they don’t recognize your rare bone structure for what it really is because that requires humility, and it means giving you a certain sort of independence and dignity and respect and they innately don’t want to do that. And I’m sure they’d Scuffet what I’m saying because it’s true and they hate it and if you’re illegitimate, they’re actually subconsciously rebelling against your authority like a child…like an actual child. And obviously not all boomers have that reaction not all you know Gen Xers or millennials have that reaction to you but there is a cultural tendency towards it because we got outmoded you know, female submission went out of style, completely along with so-called weak chin-lines. And your body was the most perfect female body that I’ve ever seen. … not all men like big boobs they really don’t that doesn’t mean that they’re gay they tend to like curves or a certain softness, but sometimes big really isn’t better. And sometimes harsh lines are actually somewhat offensive. …And that’s the thing again that’s not some thing that people today would openly tell you often if at all, I don’t think anyone’s ever told you that your chin line is actually extraordinarily beautiful and that it just photographs very badly. Because it’s not what was photographed and maybe it wasn’t a typical chin line to begin with, and it wasn’t what was photographed what was photographed more often I was a stronger chin line because it stronger chin line even if it’s still soft like the chin lines of the past or still softer than they are today, until about the 1950s or 60s I am the chin lions were softer, but it wasn’t photographed because it wasn’t easy to photograph just like Zelda’s face was never easy to photograph even in the 1920s. Zelda’s beauty really does allude people today because they don’t really know what she actually looked like. People read Scott saying ‘Oh Zelda was never photographed well!’ or ‘I was straight!’ and they assume that it’s the rantings and ravings of a lunatic narcissist, or a dreamer, and yet those are not the rantings and ravings of a lunatic narcissist. Those are exact measurements made by an incredibly clinical objective artist who was known for being incredibly cold…in his analysis of people’s minds in his time, sometimes offensively so. …There were times when he aggravated me a lot. Like dancing the wrong dance to the song that was playing or pulling fish out of the pool. And I loved him as a person, but he could seem strange at times because at that time back then it seemed strange. He seemed very peculiar.” says Louis Hill Jr.. “He was a kind man too though. It just didn’t seem like he knew when to stop with certain things.” He thinks. “And yet he was F. Scott Fitzgerald and back in the 1920s being revolutionary and different in the way that he was different really meant something it meant progress and change and freedom and that is not a luxury that everyone or anyone has today; the luxury of witnessing positive change for the better in that way.”
“I was straight. From what I know so was F. Scott Fitzgerald. And yet I think because of my supposed sex life…and my seeming superiority to, and the fact that I am pretty much your ideal as a man… and all of that being because you were born in 1983 in a rather clueless and unloved you truly cannot understand why I am hurt. Do you I seem bizarre on the one hand you can sense that I want you desperately which is what Louis was hinting at when he said don’t always assume that when you’re attracted to someone that it means that they’re not interested. Because in your case you’re rarely attracted to men unless if they’re actually interested in you first. Actually, I don’t think you’re ever attracted to men who aren’t interested in you first or who you haven’t been told to find attractive. So the minute that you found me attractive, sweetie, it was because I had found you attractive not at 13 but in the future, because I’m dead…let that sink in for a moment about what that means. You might have found me attractive in your spirit potentially not just in a normal way and not all people that admire people of the past can say that which is another thing that no one will ever tell you because it requires them being humble and different than you. The thing is you heard conversations in your head? You heard me arguing that I wasn’t gay potentially Red Fay saying that I was but I wasn’t…people arguing in your head over what I was. Not everyone experiences that. And that wasn’t an audible voice – it’s not like you’re hearing schizophrenic voices. At that point it was entirely a subconscious if you can even call it that…because you were hearing ghosts in your childhood living-room. …I was straight. And you would’ve known that at a really interesting question is why everyone let Jack off the hook for seeming secretly gay while I was supposedly really gay, even though I think there were a number of people at the time who thought I was just insane…not gay. I mean there’s a reason my family thought I ruined my life and that there was something wrong with me…not because I seemed obsessed in some homosexual way necessarily if I was obsessed at all, but because there was something amiss…like genuinely amiss. They may or may not have thought homosexuality was a scientific possibility in humanity. If they did, they probably would’ve had a very clinical approach to it right? But I don’t think that’s what they thought. …I think they probably thought that there was something really truly wrong with me.” He thinks. “I am not going to let you be with anyone else for eternity, but I am extraordinarily hurt. I know. I understand it’s because you don’t understand me in that way because you’ve never met anyone like me. …If I hadn’t been molested I don’t think people would’ve necessarily assumed I was gay because I wouldn’t of acted gay. I assumed that I was for innocent, naïve, ignorant reasons. But if I had of acted that way, as a result of my faulty analysis of myself and my attempt to not be awkward as I was trying to somehow fit in and better myself by acting gay. …I don’t know if people would have automatically thought that. …I think they might have wondered at times because it was becoming a stereotype to be insensitive and priggish and rude and immature and slutty as a man if you were straight. Oh, but they might not have thought that I was anything other than very traditional and maybe a little uptight…actually, I don’t know that they would’ve thought it was that different of a person than a great number of men alive at that time Louis included. Although Louis was married twice in may or may not have been to a woman of the night. People’s analysis of what happened is very archaic and outdated and embarrassing especially to the bourgeois gay men who think that they understand what really happened between us when they had absolutely no idea at all. I mean it’s very strange…why don’t they ever realize the Jack actually looks and sounds gay in a way that I didn’t. It’s strange Lacey, it’s odd…it’s unnerving. Because he seems gay. He sounded gay in his voice you’re right I hear what you hear – I hear the distinction. Why don’t they see it?! And the funny thing – the reason it’s so archaic is that I didn’t magically make him something if all these rumors about us have any validity, I didn’t magically do something to his mind. He always was that way. …And me saying that is automatically going to make all these sad little people think that I am saying that I wasn’t straight I was straight, but I am saying according to their story I made him gay which makes no sense if you think about. It…it’s insane and archaic at best to keep insisting that. How did he never have any thoughts about men at all before meeting me?! How likely is that?! That’s extraordinarily unlikely. And it’s not as if this was a man who kept that to himself so to speak, so why would you assume when he said ‘I’m not that kind of boy.’ to me that he was being honest and any way? If he was, he was incredibly profoundly closeted, but if he wasn’t which is also possible, then he was lying and manipulating me to try to get some sort of psychological edge or he was flirting, but it’s a weird thing to have said to me either way. …When you consider the rest of the note, it looks like he was trying to manipulate me. It looks like he was trying to gaslight me to make me doubt myself and trust him and his interpretation of everything over my own impulses and my own sense of reality. So then what would he get? He’d get everything on his terms, according to his version of reality and his labels for both of us with him being the straight one and me being the gay one. And given that premise it is very weird again that I wasn’t more upset at his wedding if he was just manipulating me to that extent. No what he ended up doing was playing a trick on himself. And he convinced me that I was a homosexual when I wasn’t and I ruined my life because of it – he may been the reason I never got married, because he never let me potentially. He just kept screwing with my head and convincing me that I was the gay one in a myriad of different complex ways because he may have been obsessed with it and because it allowed him to have a very secret life and a very public one that was acceptable, even if I hated it, and had absolutely no regard for him after a while almost at all potentially which is not something that people wouldn’t ever think… What if I did have something to do with killing him because I couldn’t stand him after a while and he repulsed me as a person, and what if it’s been lied about because people don’t know why he died or how, and it looks suspicious for a reason. Consider it as a possibility in a mature adult way so you’re not embarrassed when you die and find out that I did if I did. …I literally may have been the one that shot him, because in the illuminati if the illuminati exist, it was seen as a spiritual opportunity, so to speak. Where was I when he got shot? Does anyone know for a fact the exact location of where I was and if it wasn’t me did I plan the entire thing? What if he was almost dead and I’m the one that actually killed him or that made the orders to end his life? Anyway, the point is it’s weird how many assumptions people make when it really isn’t necessarily all that illogical to think that JFK was interested in me and that I dealt with his lack of commitment to me so exceptionally well bizarrely well really because I wasn’t as interested in him as I’ve been said to have been. People like to make what I seemingly did possible the same way that they like to think that 1990’s Barbie dolls are anatomically possible if they’re not. It may not be humanly possible to love someone as profoundly as I have been said to have loved him and then never really be devastated by it and instead just keep going along happily, and yet be devastated when he dies that that emotionally makes no sense. What would make sense of someone coached me on how to seem devastated so that if I play on the murder, it wouldn’t look like I did. Or if I was beginning to realize that I wasn’t gay, maybe I was told to also lie about that because people didn’t want that to become an issue. Did I ever date women? Not really? I was never entirely clear on whether or not I was gay possibly until the end of my life…I think I still felt careful on the issue shall we say. The point is people make too many assumptions, and I was far too laid-back to be human if I was actually in love with him at all. And it was far too confused of a relationship to just be purely sexual if I wasn’t straight. When I said I loved him, I was either lying or I was still somewhat confused about what love even meant. When I said ‘I loved him my whole life’ I was either lying or I was still somewhat confused about what love even meant. …Try not to keep making excuses for the fact that you want there to be this Barbie doll of a man who meets your every whim and desire, and is tall and handsome and straight who will fall magically in love with you and seduce you, because you’re JFK. …People are seduced by the magic of the entire thing and you have to ask yourself why why do you want there to be this magic that is so different than the reality of peoples actual feelings and experiences?” says Lem Billings.
“Yeah, do gay men like the whole Lem Billings story because he was straight and they subconsciously know that, and then it makes them feel superior to women and straight men?” asks Lacey. “Or is he the one straight guy who is an exception like it’s their fantasy the straight guy that they fell in love when they were in high school who had no interest in them except this straight guy is actually in love with them and they’re the straight guy.”
“And then they become a war hero and like are at least moderately hot and definitely are extremely wealthy and then they become a war hero. And then all of the women want to screw them…except they don’t like really want to…but they kind of do because they’re magically extremely masculine, and they have like a ‘straight ability’ that they can like activate to just like…screw chicks. But it’s not like…real. It’s just like they get to have fun and it’s not like really bisexuality. It’s just like a magical superpower in bed. And so they get to like sleep with Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly and Gene Tierney and Audrey Hepburn and for sure them all speechless and madly in love. But like at the same time…and marry and of course marry Jackie Kennedy, because why wouldn’t you? She’s so glamorous and stylish hello?!? …But like at the same time, have tons of like gay friends and bisexual friends and then like one for sure thing in Lem Billings so it’s just like he’s always in love with them. And he’s the straight guy who was just like strangely magically gay but like was still straight for the most part because if you’re like JFK, you’re just able to like do things like that. …What matters is that he kissed men. So like if he was molested, who cares?! Who cares if you as his supposed friend need to explain to him even if he confides in you that he was molested? Like who cares if he doesn’t fully understand that?! Who cares if you need to explain to Lem that he was molested? If you like Lem he wasn’t molested actually and if anything the molester did you a huge favor. Right? Because that’s what JFK thought and that’s that’s clearly what happened! Like he got a magic straight guy who was eventually mostly gay just for him…but it was like for real because like you would never kiss a guy because you were confused and if you did you magically turn gay anyway?! Right?! And then like magically they’re gay and they’re in love with you, and then like magically they’re gay and they’re in love with you. …And so anyway, that’s what’s so cool about it is that like Lem was a magical straight gay man through the power of being a sexual abuse victim he became that. Because it was the life of the superhero of the century JFK, who could like screw Marilyn Monroe and like enjoy it but still be gay and yet actually be straight at the same time…without being bisexual. …See like Marilyn Monroe killed herself and then like Lem wanted to because that’s just how JFK was. He could like hurt people and it didn’t count. It didn’t count for sure and like was why Lem was just forever in love with him and then Marilyn killed herself and it’s just embarrassing because…umm…like…umm…you don’t kill yourself over JFK! You kill yourself over JFK because JFK is gay and he was just sleeping with you because he has superpowers and he is like straight but he’s also like gay…he’s like a magic man. …I guess homosexuality as we all know it isn’t real for a man like JFK because it’s magic and it’s not something that happens to you because of some genetic thing that’s for sure it’s totally environmental and magic. But it’s not mental illness. …It’s just magic. …So JFK wasn’t really gay just because he could sleep with a man and he wasn’t really straight just because he could sleep with a woman and he wasn’t bisexual. …He was straight…but he was gay and that’s how you guys feel about it and that’s the thing because gay men aren’t really like gay they’re just like…special. And Jack was straight and not gay at all except he was gay around Lem which means he was really gay for sure for real…except he wasn’t at the same time because he’s Jack Kennedy and he’s a magic man. …No see Jack Kennedy looking skinny most of his life and smiling in a gay way all the time and sounding gay and you know having lots of male bisexual and gay friends and joking about assholes and stuff with gay men…that’s not gay because that’s embarrassing-and-gay. What is gay? …Ummm…being artistic, sensitive, intelligent, and vulnerable! Duh!!! …And then pretending to be a woman because you’re so good hearted and sophisticated? Super gay and sexy! Yeah that’s gay because that’s not embarrassing that’s just like a straight man who’s acting sexy and available and making all of your pain and misery about falling in love with a straight guy in high school go away. …. …So I love how men like to pretend that women read dimestore novels were men just rip their shirt off and make love to them and they’re in like a Victorian parlor seem innately stupid and uneducated…but then like millions of bourgeois, upper middle-class gay men read stories and watch movies about Lem and Jack and think that they’re not irrational idiots for taking it seriously the way it’s presented.” says a dead Millennial woman who had a heart condition and died. Lacey knew her. She’s very angry.
Later.
“And don’t tell me that it’s different somehow it’s not different. What is different is that you never see women openly saying things like ‘I know I’ll Mary Prince Charming when I get older because Cinderella did it. Or like ‘Sophia from the novel Wild Dreams married Zed in a hot air balloon after he saves her life when she almost falls off a horse and that’s why I know good men exist because of men like Zed!’ No, you guys are able to get away with that kind of misogynistic free pass because people don’t think through men’s presumptions or scrutinize them at least in the same way. So, even if on the other side, it looks obvious that Lem was straight and Jack was gay and obsessed with Lem if that’s what actually happened…while you’re alive that seems genuinely far-fetched doesn’t it?” says the dead Millennial with the heart condition. “If Lem wasn’t Jack’s first gay friend why don’t historians ever recognize that as being suspicious? Why don’t they ever wonder if the contention over the toilet note is because it wasn’t actually the first move? Because it actually makes sense, believe it or not, for Jack to have been the instigator of the entire thing and the one who was really actually sustaining the relationship. It’s just it’s it’s weird that people don’t question Lem’s psychological state with more suspicion, especially given the fact that Jack was supposedly a rapist and a pedophile and an incestuous weirdo. I mean doesn’t that just makes sense that he would be a predator in every area not just with women and I mean why do we assume that he was just a predator with women and his with siblings? Why wouldn’t he be a predator with the men in his life too? And even if Jack hadn’t heard through the grapevine that Lem was vulnerable, essentially Lem was vulnerable. He lost his fortune. He lost his dad just years of not sooner closer to the time that he met JFK. I just I feel like somehow Jack knew that Lem was a sexual abuse victim, and that’s part of why he was so into him.”
“So JFK, you were a predator? Like…a real predator?” asks Marilyn Monroe.
“I didn’t instigate your death. Good luck! …Yeah! I was a jerk! I hurt people.” says JFK.
“You were an actual predator!” says a living man.
“Yeah!” JFK yells.
Keen to Cross the Pond 