Lacey has had an impossible time dismissing the supernatural this week. Thanks to her seventh grade honors English teacher. She’d been on Lacey’s mind off and on for years…but then this week she randomly started “talking.” And it was odd. It was like…she…was…like the others. As in, she was…a “ghost.” Vivid and clearly in some place…Lacey can possibly be…or is.
No. She’s not a hallucination. Lacey rarely sees these dead people with her actual eyes. They’re more…complicated than that?
…Rock Hudson looks at Lacey sadly. She sighs in response.
Our False Fire on Shore by Cemeteries plays.
…Lacey used to sit and watch old movies. Often. As a teenager. …And…as much as she could somewhat swoon over Cary Grant…she never found Rock Hudson attractive almost at all. …He was supposed to be so handsome…but…to Lacey…he was…almost off-putting. She wondered if he’d be offended by her.
“No!” says Rock Hudson.
“But…I’m starting to think gay men are.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. I was gay.” says Rock Hudson. He laughs. Then he smiles at her. “No. I’d have had to adjust to you just instantly knowing.”
“Do most women flirt passively? Or what is it? Because when I can sense a man is gay I just…don’t find him attractive.” says Lacey.
“I really think they do expect you to flirt!” says Rock, suspiciously. He snarls. “It’s an ego thing.”
“It’s so subtle too.” says Lacey. “They probably don’t even see it as flirting, consciously.”
“It’s about nerves.” says Scott.
“I’m too relaxed.” says Lacey. “And it reads as smug or…condescending?”
“Because you really don’t fall for gay men.” says a gay man in the Illuminati. He thinks. “Okay…well…what was it about Rock Hudson? What is it about us???”
The Suburbs by Arcade Fire plays.
When Lacey was young…JFK could have hurt her. Now…she’d almost push him to suicide.
Why?
Joe Jr.’s mouth falls open. Bobby laughs. It’s funny to him for some dark reason. He has to excuse himself for a moment to giggle privately.
Jack stumps over. Watching Lacey snub him. To dance with Joe Jr..
“Don’t you think Jack is handsome!? He looks like his brothers, of course. But…he’s so…perceptive.” says a woman to Lacey as Lacey drinks punch after dancing with Joe.
“You can say that, but…let’s be honest. Jack is far too skinny. And men like him are always good at art and music but…you shouldn’t marry them unless you love them. Too effeminate.” says Lacey bluntly, in confidence.
The woman swallows hard. Looks anxious.
“Jack…isn’t effeminate.” she says with some hidden hostility.
Miss Brown To You by Billie Holiday plays.
“Oh goodness.” Lacey looks at her. Studies her kindly, thoughtfully. “Are you friends with Jack?”
She laughs. “He’s my best friend.”
“I’m sorry if I offended you.” says Lacey sincerely, growing agitated but hiding it.
Then Lacey walks up to Jack.
“You find me attractive.” she says to him.
He glares at her with a lurid smirk.
She smiles like it’s a joke. Then takes a deep breath. Exhales slowly.
“I refuse to date both you and your brother. That’s just crass.” she says. “I’m sure you understand.”
He refuses to answer.
“Don’t be sore! That’s not fair!” says Lacey.
He sighs. Pouts.
“Oh dear.” she says sympathetically. “You’ll be off to some other girl in a few minutes anyway. I know boys like you.” says Lacey bitterly but with a genuinely kind smile.
He laughs in admission. Plays with his foot on the floor.
“I’m smarter than most girls. But there are other smart girls. It’s just…life. Don’t let me affect you.” says Lacey.
He looks almost angry.
“You want to fight?” she asks.
He laughs.
“I could kill you.” he says.
“Because you’re a boy. Congratulations, asshole.” she says coldly.
He blinks. Thinks. “I don’t think boys are necessarily better than girls.”
“Of course they’re not. Anyone with a decent brain knows that.” says Lacey.
“You’d like to be a boy?” he asks.
“No. I’m a girl. …But I hate that you could kill me. It’s not fair to either of us.” says Lacey.
He furrows his brow. Thinks. “If I was in your womb…you could kill me. Or if I was your baby.” says Jack.
Lacey thinks. “That’s true. But then you’d love me anyway.”
He thinks. He blinks. “Why do you like Joe so much?” He lights a cigarette.
“He’s…amazing.” says Lacey.
“Well…he’s not such a swell guy.” says Jack.
“I’ll decide that. But I’ll take that as a joke for now. …Don’t get in my way. It’ll only hurt you more, you criminal in the making.” she says scientifically. She stares at him.
He furrows his brow. Makes eye-contact. Laughs.
“Be my pet!” says Lacey. Then she kisses him on the head like he’s her little toy poodle.
“Take my advice. Don’t cross me.” she says as she walks off.
Later.
“He’s not so bad! Really!” Joe says to her while they’re on a date.
Lacey thinks. “He’s not honest.” she says.
“He’s…a troubled young man.” says Joe like he’s a psychologist.
“He’s your brother.” says Lacey.
“Just…don’t judge my character by his.” says Joe.
“I intend to know you as you, as much as possible.” says Lacey dreamily.
And that’s when they’d have kissed.
Enter Lem. Who seemingly is straight…but thinks he’s like Rock Hudson.
Skin and Bones by Cage the Elephant plays.
He’s friendly to Lacey. She feels they’re great friends. And it’s…odd to her. Most people don’t genuinely like her that much so quickly. She assumes he’s just an incredibly kind person.
He looks sad one night. Stares out the car window. No one notices. Lacey notices because she’s actually not a mindless, ugly bitch. Shocking as that is to her frozen-flag-pole-licking haters; poor things.
“Whatever! She thrives on haters!” says an arrogant male hater.
“No. She doesn’t.” says Bobby Kennedy Sr.. “And I’m being completely serious. And sincere. …You’re just an obnoxious prick.”
“That’s true. Get over it, expert.” says Lacey ready for a fight.
“I would have hidden your…atom bombs…in the curry.” says Joe to Lacey. He smiles.
Anyway…
A while later Lacey asks Lem what’s wrong. In private.
He weeps, bitterly. She looks at him tenderly.
“I’m never getting married.” he says sadly.
“Why?” she asks.
He studies her face through tears. He smiles.
She kisses his cheek, impetuously. To test him.
He suddenly looks very grim. Glares at her. Sobers up.
“I could marry you. In a heartbeat. …But I fell in love with Joe first. I adore you.” says Lacey confidently.
He almost smiles. He thinks.
“Don’t be so mean to yourself.” she says. She hugs him. “I don’t care what you think. I adore you.” she says.
He smells her hair, she notices. She almost feels as though she can’t leave his embrace. It shocks and perplexes her.
He hugs her. Holds her close.
“I am a little in love with you, so I should probably go…check on Joe.” says Lacey Banks. “If I don’t, I’ll lose myself like an idiot.”
Lem kisses her neck, under her hair. Then he backs away. He makes eye-contact.
“Oh dear. Let’s not do that. …It isn’t that I don’t love you. I just-“ says Lacey.
He shakes his head no in understanding.
“Let’s talk later! I’ll sort out your whole life!” says Lacey.
He nods his head seriously and then laughs.
Later…as Lacey waits for Joe’s return…at 10:30 PM…she becomes stiflingly anxious. A weekend guest at their house with her aunt who’s gone out with the other older adults. Joe said he had an errand to run in Boston. Something for school. Jack had left with the older adults to the club.
“He’s not coming home until tomorrow. Is he?” asks Lacey, in acceptance.
Lem looks shocked. Then he closes his eyes. Reclines awkwardly. Legs spread apart. Sighs.
“Do you think he knows you kissed me?” she asks with conspiratorial fear.
Lem raises his eyebrows with his eyes still closed. Then furrows his brow. Shakes his head no and smiles. Looks her in the eyes.
She quickly darts her eyes away.
“He’s got a girlfriend. Doesn’t he. A secret one. You know these people. He’s got a secret girlfriend.” she says.
He sighs. Closes his eyes. “I can’t lie to you. It hurts too much. …I can’t do it. It’s selfish…but…when something hurts that much…it’s…nothing to take lightly.” He thinks.
“You lie!??” asks Lacey.
“Yeah.” he admits, wincing.
“That’s wrong, Lem!” she says.
He nods yes. Smiles sadly. Stares at the floor.
“So he has a girlfriend?!?” she asks.
He thinks. “No one as serious as you.”
Silence.
“But…he has two girls he sees in Boston.” Lem explains.
Lacey looks hurt and startled. They’d been dating for six months.
“I always wondered if he was…slightly heartless. But…I’m not going to live that way.” says Lacey. Then she moves over to Lem and rests her head on his shoulder. She waits to sense his response.
“Are you heartless?” asks Lem.
“Do you think I am?” she asks.
“No.” he says.
She kisses him. “I’m not.” Then she kisses him again quickly.
And that was the end. Because of course they’re in love.
But…that’s not what happened. Or is it?
More later.
After watching And Just Like That…Lacey is angry…and yet…not.
So is Joe Jr..
“He looked like Lem. But…Lem…is still different.” says Lacey.
“He’d have never answered my call.” says Jack Kennedy. “He’d have probably let me die.” He thinks. “I’m not even kidding.” He thinks even more. “No, he’d have let me die. You don’t believe me…but that’s how intense and serious Lem actually is. He…wouldn’t make love so casually. And if he did…she’d be the priority…in Lacey’s case…forever.”
“And yet he let you.” says an actress.
“And that should have been what you’d call a red flag. But…I was a narcissist.” says JFK.
“I did…” says Joe Jr.. “That’s what I did.” he admits. “I failed. And then I pushed Lacey away. Funny thing…I forgot until Pat died.”
“So…you cheated because Pat’s death…reminded you that you’d failed!?!” asks an actress.
“She did.” says Joe.
Silence.
“I don’t understand it.” says Lacey.
“That’s what scared me about that scene.” says a dead Rothschild.
“What?” asks JD Rockefeller.
They stand on the bow of the Titanic. Thinking.
Holiday House by Beach House plays.
“They needed to keep it from being just an ‘eff you.’” says the dead Rothschild.
“Michael wasn’t really there.” says Mr. Rockefeller.
“And I don’t think they like the truth.” says Lem. “I asked Lacey if she thought that actor was better looking than me.”
“And what did she say?” asks Mrs. Koppelman.
“She thinks I’m more handsome.” he says seriously.
“Are you?” asks his brother.
“Yeah. But he’s better looking than me too in a way. …She prefers me though.” he says.
“So…how is the scene with Miranda an eff you?” asks a perfume hater.
“Because they’re brilliant writers. And they hear her talking telepathically about Joe. They may have even read her novel.” an actress shrugs. “And…they knew his psychology. They knew she was…like Miranda. But…she has no idea.” She looks angry. “So…we nailed that scene. …Clearly. …But…there’s no…lifeline.” She shrugs. “It’s just vicious and cruel.”
“So you empathize with Joe? And maybe feel protective?” asks a perfume hater.
“I do. Yeah. His insecurities.” someone laughs and smiles. “Ché knows Miranda is…lovable. So it enraged me. And I prepared for it. I told Lacey off yesterday. Randomly.”
“And that warned her?” asks Wobbly.
Silence.
“Wobbly, do you watch And Just Like That?!” asks Lem.
Bobby Kennedy Sr. laughs at the thought.
“Lacey enrages you. And yet I have to be honest. I think you actually secretly believe her. And probably for good reason.” says a perfume hater.
“If I’m in the Illuminati?” asks Wobbly. “Maybe more than I realize.”
“Does she feel like a step-mother?” asks an actress.
“We don’t have honest discussions about it.” he admits.
Tom Banks nods.
“Well…Lem was just a man.” he says. “His own man. And…he had his own mind and body. And they belong to him and God. God first. And…in Christlike submission to God…he might not be gay any longer.” He pauses. “Or…if he wasn’t gay…then he’s never been gay! …Isn’t that great?!” He rolls his eyes. “He wasn’t gay. He was…fully capable of loving men…as a friend…and getting himself confused by accident in his fear and ignorance. Poor kid. …I think you should be more careful. Artistically. …If there is an Illuminati you’re writing US History. …Don’t cheat with the truth. Take Hemingway’s advice. …Miranda should have been furious. Lacey isn’t a doormat. …It’s just not right. …Lem…certainly wasn’t gay. …You have to lie to believe he was gay. Or just not have read that much actual fact about him, objectively written. He could be interpreted as bisexual or even pansexual, far more honestly. …But…I don’t think it’s safe to disregard what you read on this blog as nonsense. It’s…very possibly the actual truth.
See…she’s not claiming everyone is heterosexual. No!” He licks his lips and fumes. “You’re choosing to hear it that way! Because you’re offended for other reasons! …If you’re even really offended. …She’s not trying to tell gay men they aren’t gay. That’s repulsive! …She’s claiming that ONE MAN…just ONE MAN…mainstream media and the Illuminati has officially closed their borders to…intellectually speaking…is mislabeled. It’s just about Lem. That’s all. That’s all it is.” He shakes his head in disbelief and disgust. “Why are they so fixated on him being gay?! If they exist?! …Exist. EXIST!” he says. “What if…Lem was straight? And he’s being honored by Gods with grace to love Lacey…if he was actually trying to be honorable and was molested? That’s HIS IDENTITY. HIS!!!” he yells. “Do you want some meaningful part of your identity destroyed?” He smiles. “You can’t cheat with things like that. You can’t steal her from God. That’s idiotic! …And it’s be one thing if…you wrote his character as…bisexual. Not just all about Jack. Endlessly… Because God knows how you might honestly in good conscience think he was bisexual. But…”. He shakes his head in irritation. “He’s not a non-entity and God knows Jack was abusive even if Lem was bisexual and madly in love with Jack. …Lem matters. …But…as it stands…Lacey hears that Lem was actually a complete heterosexual. As unusual as that seems, historically speaking.
Are there gay men who don’t choose to be gay?! Only God knows for sure. But…it looks like it, if you’re looking honestly. …That isn’t what a straight man is.” He thinks. “And straight men…are God’s ideal. Hate me for saying that. Not God or Lacey. Does He love gay men? Of course! …God wants us all in Heaven. Do gay men become straight? Maybe. If they receive Christ. But if they’re in Purgatory He might not force that on them? You’ll have to ask God. He’s not going to make you leave your husband in a cruel way. Or force you to love anyone that way. But…Lem isn’t your version of a straight man. He’s possibly a straight man who doesn’t have any interest in men…at all in that way. And yet your ideal…even though you didn’t create him…in any way…is for him to be gay.” He laughs. “And don’t fib and tell me you’re his parents reincarnated now!”
Humphrey Bogart laughs.
“That’s your ideal! But it might not be reality. Be more scared of God. He won’t destroy you. Or rape you. But you all aren’t God to Lem.” says Tom Banks.
“We didn’t know he was gay. I mean straight!” says an actress.
He nods in understanding. “I’ll tell you…you’re expecting too much. She can’t guarantee I am her father. Or even Tom Banks. …But if I am…I am. …She says that sort of thing because people don’t seem to understand that that’s how reality works. If something is it is. It’s the fabric of reality you’re challenging. And you have no idea how dangerous that is to you…not to God. …So…if Lem is straight and always was…you can’t alter that. They don’t belong to you. None of my kids or my grandkids do. …I don’t care who’s cock they sucked as adults. It was rape, a mistake or a mistake.
You didn’t create a path that had or has to be followed. You’re not God. Sex doesn’t do that in that way. That’s a misunderstanding or a lie.
And don’t worry. I’m keeping track of all my grandkids through God. Even the ones to be born…in Heaven…if that’s what He wants.
I’m sorry it’s so shocking to consider Lem was gay. Or I’m sorry. I mean straight.” says Tom Banks.
“So he’s trying to say Lem was gay. And she’s misunderstanding it.” says Mr. Blue. “Because she’s a spoiled brat.”
“My thoughts! My thoughts.” says Wobbly. “Lem…was like that. Sort of. But he acted so much more gay. And…he wasn’t as handsome. …And I was expecting she’d finally see the truth. But oh well! Oh well. …No…I actually knew him! And…he was…so gay! …He was extraordinarily gay! So…soo gay! …And we tried to make it…easy to understand. He was…married…MARRIED to Jack.” says Wobbly. “THEY WERE A MARRIED…HAPPY…PERMANENTLY TOGETHER FOREVER COUPLE!” He smiles.
“But…what if you take one of those Jenga pieces out of the tower? It falls. And…what if…Lacey and Carrie are different?” she asks.
“Then Lacey is a loser in this case.” says Wobbly.
“He’s wrong. I’m different too.” says Lem.
“Lacey has to write hideous love scenes? Why?” asks Michael.
“I wouldn’t have been able to do anything! …You don’t understand.” says JFK.
“People get very possessive of what belongs to her. Or…they must desperately want her to be with Michael Rockefeller for eternity? …God doesn’t allow that. He’s sees our hearts. He knows what’s right. …I’ll have to explain.” says Lem.
Michelle by the Beatles plays.
“If Lacey had met me…she’d have been terrified. If it was in a bike accident. And I’d have sensed that. And then she’d have apologized in terror. And I’d have glared at her. Like she was my wife who had just messed-up. I would have said,
‘I just got hurt!’ glaring into her eyes.” says Lem.
“He was never that mean!” says Wobbly. “He was such a chill guy!”
“Around you.” says Lem.
Silence.
“Then I would have stood there and stared at her.” says Lem.
“And I would have said, ‘Let’s bring you to the doctor!’” says Lacey.
“And I would have smiled and nodded in agreement. And then told her where the nearest doctor was. And she would have offered to help me there, still terrified.” says Lem. “And when we got there she would have just kept apologizing until it got weird. And I would have told her to help me if she was sorry. And she would have. Out of guilt, empathy and fear. And then…I would have kept her.” says Lem.
“Did Lacey write a sex scene with the two of you? In her novel?” asks an actress.
“Yes!” he says.
Awkward silence.
“Was it real?” asks an actress.
“Yes.” says Lem.
“So…why can’t you be that explicit?” asks a gay man.
“Because she’s worried a kid might read this.” says Lem. “You wanna read it though. Huh? There’s nothing in it for you.”
“We can’t allow her to be an adult and be sexual. It’s creepy.” says an actress. “But I think he seemed…relatable, because he was supposed to be closeted.”
“So…is there a love scene that resembles you two? Truly.” asks Stanley Kubrick.
“Rhett Butler. I’m like Rhett Butler. But…she’s not evil.” says Lem.
“But…that’s…not…who they say you are.” says a gay man.
“How would they know?” asks Lem. “There’s no unequivocal proof Jack and I ever sexually touched. At all. Or that I was ever gay. At all. Those kids never watched me screw their uncle. Not that I would call it that.”
A gay man begins to slightly entertain thoughts that Lem was straight. He alters his perspective. “Are you mean?”
Lem looks at him. He thinks. “Yeah.”
“Does Lacey know that?” the gay man asks.
“It’s not a problem for us.” says Lem. He
“How the hell did Jack…make you so placid?!?” he asks seriously.
Lem looks enraged. “I had a temper. But-“ He excuses himself. “Lacey gets my anger. And she doesn’t deserve it. …I felt…so hopeful. I thought something was wrong with me but…I thought everything would all work out somehow. At his wedding I wished it was mine. But…to a woman. If it had been to Jack…I’d have cheated with Lacey. That’s shocking. Isn’t it?
…The thing is…I had hope. And it slowly left. Until I hated being alive. And then…I died.
If I hadn’t died…so…so bitter and hurt and profoundly angry…I’d have…had a temper. But…it would be more measured and insightful with Lacey than it already is. I don’t hit her. …But she can make me mad. Because…she’s in my head.” says Lem.
“So…you don’t even talk to Jack anymore unless you have to.” he says.
“Yeah. Yup!” he says.
“No. You’re not Lem. You’re Lacey.” says a billionaire.
“No. I’m Lem. Listen…you just want to watch.” says Lem.
The billionaire laughs.
“Wait! You’d have cheated…with a woman.” says a gay man. “Yeah. That’s not mainstream 1960’s.”
“No. It’s not. …I would have though.” says Lem.
“You’re…mean?” asks the gay man.
“Yeah.” says Lem.
“So…you…are very sexually aggressive! …But you’re loyal.” says an actress.
“Yeah. When I want to be.” says Lem.
“Was Jack trying to impress you?!” asks a feminist.
“He was also trying to arouse me. …But I…wasn’t atttacted to men.” says Lem. “We’ll talk more later.”
More later.
“People are so stubborn.” says Lem in exasperation.
“Lem there’s no way Jack could have raped you.” says a gay man sarcastically.
“Yeah. It’s idiotic. …And by idiotic…I mean…to think that that’s impossible. So…Lacey and I will have to make this rated R or give-up arguing.” says Lem.
“Make it rated R.” says Louis with a shrug.
“They’ll use that.” says Lem. “They stupidly misuse everything nowadays.”
VHS Dream plays.
And at that JFK Jr. is murdered out of time. By Satan.
“I warned you!” says Satan laughing maniacally.
“So did I!!” yells Stanley Kubrick.
The song restarts.
“Thoughts thoughts. Prayers.” says a middle class jerk.
“For moi?!?” says Satan with a wink. “You sound like Lacey!”
Wobbly thinking it’s a joke comes on to Lacey who refuses him as always.
The song starts over.
Lem swallows hard, gaging on Jack’s sperm in his mouth. It tastes repulsive to him. Like pus. But…he swallows…to get it over with.
“I popped the pimple.” he says to himself in his head silently. “I popped his pimple.”
Then, relieved, Jack breathed a sigh of joy as he laid back in afterglow bliss. Lem got him off that time. Once when Lem was really drunk and disassociated he gave Jack an excellent orgasm. Jack compared it to the best vaginal sex he’d ever had. He raved about it.
But this time…Lem was still vaguely in touch with his emotions…so he was still repulsed. He however…was off-duty for the rest of the night. So…he happily sat on his sofa and ate cheese covered popcorn and opened a great book about art. He let his mind sink deeply into the pages and escape.
Why didn’t Jack care? Hmm. Well. Jack didn’t notice.
And Lem…had decided that this…was being gay. Par for the course.
“Man! I could sleep here!” said Jack.
Lem didn’t hear him.
Annoyed that he hadn’t been heard, “Lem!” he yelled in anger.
“What?!” asked Lem in equal irritation.
Jack got silenced.
“What’s that?” asked Jack.
“Just art.” said Lem placidly.
“You stupid fag!” said Jack.
Lem laughed at himself. Pushed his glasses up his nose. “What time is your flight tomorrow?”
“Why? You wanna come along?!?” asked Jack with a smile.
“No. I’m exhausted!” said Lem.
“You need to be there next Thursday.” said Jack.
“Umm…I met a man.” says Lem cautiously.
“That’s so gross!” says Jack.
“It’s no different than what we do!” said Lem.
Jack licks his lips. “Hmm. Well. That must be nice not having to worry about getting pregnant.”
“It’s not different than what we do!” protested Lem.
“Yeah, sure.” said Jack in disbelief.
“Whatever.” said Lem.
“Yeah. Right. Whatever!” said Jack happily.
“Well, I’m going to bed.” said Lem. He got up and walked away to his bedroom and laid down. Closes his eyes.
Jack walks in. Lays next to him. Lem smiles. Jack begins to open his pants.
Lem moves Jack’s hand away.
“No. That’s not-“ he says smiling.
“I’m not selfish!” said Jack.
“But you’re not a fag!” said Lem sitting up. “Right?” He lit a cigarette.
“You know it’s not like that. I’m just not like you. I’m Catholic. We don’t fall into that sort of sin.” says JFK.
“Go get that magazine I bought you.” says Lem.
“I sleep with women better looking!” said Jack.
Lem shrugged.
“What?!? These pages are-“ said Jack grossed-out.
“You wanted my sperm!” joked Lem.
“Not that badly!” said Jack.
A few moments later.
Lem lay almost asleep.
“Say! Did you see the redhead on page 24?!?” yells Jack.
“No! Goodnight!” yells Lem.
“I’m just going to be a minute!” yells Jack.
Lem doesn’t respond. He’s asleep.
A half an hour later Jack comes to bed and falls asleep.
In the morning Lem is awake before Jack is. He’s reading the newspaper when Jack walks in.
“I have to go!” yells Jack. He considers kissing Lem goodbye but Lem looks grumpy.
Jack looks at Lem.
“I have no idea how to thank you.” says Jack. “It’s been wonderful as always. You’re my best friend in the world and I thank you!”
“Jack! I’m proud of who I am. You should be too!” says Lem grimly.
“Next time I’ll get you off for once.” says Jack laughing bashfully. He blushes. He shows his ruddy face and bright blue eyes. His shining white teeth.
“No. I hate that sort of thing.” says Lem.
Jack rolls his eyes. They’ve had this conversation before and Lem never concedes anything.
Jack slams the door behind him and it scares Lem.
Lem grabs the magazine and looks at the redhead. Wonders if he should write about it. She’s…not pretty to Lem. He prefers page 20. A blond with green eyes in a swimsuit.
He imagines her naked breasts. Smiles. Thinks of Jack and her…gets bored…then hurt. Then he looks at her eyes. Decides she’s too sensitive to love Jack anyway. And at that he decides to go masturbate.
“I’ll make him eat it!” whispers Jack on the way to his taxi. “I’m not guilty!” he says to himself in his head. “He’s just an immature ass!”
Then at Christmas…Jack pushed Lem, drunk, against a bathroom door.
“I’ll punch you in your face if you don’t let me suck your cock. Come on!” said JFK unzipping Lem’s pants. “You loser! You’re always putting out!”
“Jack. That’s not what I like!” says Lem, very drunk.
Jack violently sucks Lem’s cock. And after a few moments Lem grows impatient and shoves Jack into the wall.
“Ouch!” yells JFK.
“Oh! Sorry!” says Lem, bending over to help.
“You’re a dumbass!” says Jack punching Lem in the gut.
“Just give-up! You’re like me!” says Lem, pleadingly.
“I’ll never be a cock sucker! I just wanted to make you feel better about yourself for being so pathetic! …Who’s your boyfriend?!?” asks JFK.
“He’s a nice man.” says Lem.
“Is he like you?” scoffs Jack.
“He’s nice. You’d like him.” says Lem.
“You’re a real faggot!” scoffs Jack.
And at that Jack punches Lem in the face.
“Jack don’t feel hurt. He’s just a friend.” says Lem.
Jack laughs. “I’m not a hurt!”
Jack apologizes.
Jack pats for it. Literally.
That night before going to sleep Jack kisses a girl. And Lem masturbates to a new girlie magazine he brought.
The boyfriend doesn’t work out.
“You’re just a jerk!” says the boyfriend.
“I didn’t mean to cum.” says Lem.
“That had nothing to do with me.” he says.
“I wanted you there!” insists Lem.
“You didn’t care! You had your eyes closed!” he says.
“I had my eyes closed.” says Lem. “So what?!?”
“So what?!?” he says.
“You close your eyes too!” says Lem.
“Not like you!” he scoffs sadly. He cries. “Lem, I want my love to be like the happiest married couple alive. I will not be a phony!”
“Hey! Hey! We can be friends!” says Lem. He tries to grab the man’s hand.
“Don’t! Don’t!” says the man with a scowl.
“I care about you!” says Lem.
Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major by Bach plays.
Aghast, “No. Don’t lie. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. Your friend Jack must love having his cock sucked.” the man says before punching Lem in the face.
“I’m sorry. I did care. But I understand! I understand!” said Lem before walking off.
And that night Lem masturbated to page 21. The redhead. He decided she too was too sensitive for Jack. Or maybe most men.
“You aren’t very…attentive!” said another boyfriend.
“I later realized I only cared about them as friends. And hated gay sex. I was straight.” says Lem. “I didn’t care. Sadly, they were right.”
“He hated being touched.” says one of the men.
Let Go by Frou Frou plays.
The ocean winks at the evil adult Satanists.
There is a lot of water.
It’s a commercial break.
“I shot up.” says Lem. “And my head felt good for the first time since early adolescence. It was like…all my thoughts sorted themselves out. And I felt…fine.” He thinks. “If I thought about Jack and having to suck his cock to be nice or to get him to calm down…or to feel better…it seemed distant. It seemed like a dream or something that had happened to a different me. And I…almost found it funny. His death was sadder though. Because I felt he was a far nicer man than when I was sober.
I would sit there for hours.
And one night…I imagined a woman who looked like Lacey. And I was alone. And I had realized that I liked heterosexual sex recently. And…it flooded over me. I imagined her. And I was lost. I was lost to my own breath for a few moments until I came to. I startled myself awake.
And maybe that’s when I truly found my sexuality as an adult.” says Lem. “On the verge of death.”
“You sound so convincing.” says an actress.
“I’m sorry, if I’m Lem. It’s a sad story.” he says.
Lacey walks in. Sits down. Thinks.
Lem watches her as he smokes.
She’s the woman he imagined. And if he’d seen her in the 1960’s…in his room…Jack wouldn’t be able to reach him.
“Can you imagine fantasizing about a woman your whole life and then dying and realizing she exists?” asks Pat Robertson. “God isn’t a coward or a prude. And I was hateful. Regardless of what He allows in Heaven. I’m genuinely sorry.” He thinks. “Between consenting adults.” He thinks. “And I’m not saying homosexuality is allowed but it’s not the same as pedophilia and I went too far and pointed the real conversation to no good end.”
“I don’t want to share more.” says Lem. “But…don’t misconstrue my words.”
“Why did you give Jack your sperm on page 3?” asks a gay man.
“I didn’t want to give him any sperm. And I forgot that I’d masturbated earlier.” says Lem. “So I made a joke about it to sound sexy and pacify him. …It wasn’t planned.” says Lem.
“So…you wanted to sound sexy. Why?” he asks.
“To be pleasing. But I didn’t realize what I was doing. …I…assumed he experienced it the way I did.” he says.
“Was it like…a straight man who dresses in drag to…experience feminine sexuality somehow?” asks a woman.
“Yes! I think that’s correct. …I imagined my persona. And she aroused me. But not me. Or my exact replica. But…essentially…you.” says Lem to Lacey.
“So…Lacey is like Mae West or what?” asks the gay man.
“She has curves. And she’s funny. And…her persona is a parody and insult.” says Lem.
“Did you enjoy mocking Lacey for sleeping around? Even if she didn’t. Or just doesn’t. And if so…did Jack like that?” asks a gay man.
Lem thinks. “I find her arousing. Lacey. Even when she’s with other men. But…the mockery…may or may not be something I fully processed. That’s my deep rage. And it makes sense Jack loved it.”
“But then you…never thought of anybody but her. Except for page 20.” says a gay man.
“Page 20 was her. …We’re that in love in Heaven. No. That’s why it’s so horrific.” he says. “It’s a grand love…and yet it’s…a horror story.”
“Why do you assume Mae West isn’t singing to you?” asks a gay man.
“I was mocking myself and my heterosexuality and yet…secretly…I was hiding her. I hid her often. It sounds silly…but it’s true. …I was late for my plane because of page 23 but with brown eyes like coffee. And red lips. …Things like that.” he says.
“How did Jack never realize you were straight?” asks a gay man.
“You know…he knew. Mostly.” says Lem.
“What would you have thought of Joan on Mad Men?” asks an actor.
“I’d have found her attractive. But…nothing would have happened. I’m my office Ken Cosgrove was gay. And I dated him badly. And…Sal hated me. …And Lacey…wasn’t there.” says Lem.
“Pete was!” says his sister.
“I’m not Pete.” he says.
“But you wouldn’t have cheated with Joan?” asks a man.
“No! …No.” He thinks. “She…never fit in. Michael was never there. And I…wasn’t either. No. We…aren’t there.” he says. “But Pete and the British are! So are the Rockefellers. And the Kennedys.”
“So you don’t do drag though?” a gay man asks.
“No. I don’t. It was sad…desperation.” he says.
“Like in Some Like It Hot!” says a gay man.
“Yeah.” says Lem.
Silence.
“Any more questions?” asks Lem.
“So you weren’t trying to be a woman…but you were?” asks gay man.
“I was trying to be…normal. And…it seemed normal and…appropriate…and…comforting.” he says.
“Did you ever hallucinate Lacey?” asks a gay man.
“Maybe.” says Lem. “Probably.”
“Did you ever tell a psychologist that?!?” he asks.
“She might not have been reincarnated. …But possibly…yes.” he says.
More later.
Keen to Cross the Pond 