It’s 2023.
All Star by Smash Mouth plays. And John Fitzgerald Kennedy in swimming trunks goes to the beach.
The song plays. But so do the boys and girls. Well…okay. They’re not actual girls and boys. They’re adult men and women in the Kennedy family.
Lacey makes a “retarded face” and then makes an L on her forehead. On the beach for all the Kennedy family.
Imagine this vague image making the shape of L on her forehead. On the beach. In front of these people:
“Go for the moon!” shouts Jack Kennedy skipping on the beach.
“No. Jack we did that!” says Teddy Kennedy.
“Gee. So what?” asks Jack, shrugging.
Joe trots over and pushes Jack over. “Loser!”
Jack tackles him as best he can. For a little while Jack gets a piggyback ride.
“Gee guys. Why you all gotta be so sore?!” shouts Bobby, uncomfortable.
Joe looks apologetic. Jack starts dancing to burn-up nervous energy.
Lacey keeps desperately making the shape of an L on her forehead. She races around desperately trying to find someone who can see her or hear her. “L!!!” she screams. “It’s an L!!! IT’S AN L!!!”
Joe mimics his second born son and dances in place.
Lacey races up to Joe and shouts at him.
He hears her.
“Oh you dear man.” says Lacey.
He blinks, signaling sincere disinterest. She doesn’t notice because she’s not actually flirting.
“Hello. Listen…you have to listen!” says Lacey, breathless.
He feel uneasy.
“Okay. Now that I’ve got your attention: Lem isn’t homosexual. He’s not. And your whole family is in peril.” says Lacey.
He looks unworried but as if he’s feeling the love of Christ.
“Oh I wish you could hear me. Too bad. But God knows best. I’ll trust Him. But golly…if only you could hear me. Wherever I’m talking from. However I know this. Dammit.
Alright. Well…think of it this way: Lacey is my name. And Lem is his name. And they both start with the letter L. Isn’t that odd?! Yes! It’s very odd!
But darling IT GETS FAR WORSE! …Anyway…suffice to say…it’s like a scavenger hunt. Or a puzzle. All of this! And it all points to Jesus and you know. You’re a man of some faith at least. So…do try to understand. L. It’s the that’s the clue. L.” says Lacey.
Joe thinks. Sneezes. Shuffles his toes in the sand.
“Oh my! I think you do hear me!” says Lacey.
He suddenly frowns.
“Alright. I’m going to keep worshipping God. But do try to keep it all in mind-“ says Lacey before he walks away.
“Dammit!” says Lacey. “He was the only one who could hear me.”
Calling All Angels by Train plays briefly.
“Dead people aren’t angels.” says Lacey to God.
“No shit!” says a fallen angel to Lacey.
The song plays.
“Why?” Lacey asks God.
All Star by Smashmouth plays again.
Jack shakes his ass.
(Adult content below)
Lem walks up to him.
They grind to All Star.
I’m A Believer by Smash Mouth plays. They twirl and Jack giggles in triumph. He shakes his ass.
And rising out of the water a choir of gay men emerge on a giant seashell that resembles a wet vagina. They clap and cheer with huge smiles on their faces.
Jack laughs bashfully. Lem picks him up. Like a bride being carried over an alter, feet dangling.
Amused and confused but not the slightest bit jealous Lacey walks up to Lem. She looks into his face. She squints.
“Lem! Hey!” she whispers.
He notices.
“Hello! Darling! Let’s get this sorted out. Are you truly gay now?!” asks Lacey, brightly.
He looks down at her. Grimaces.
“Darling…what did I do to you?” asks Lacey.
He rolls his eyes and starts walking away. Jack just dances.
Lacey races after Lem.
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen…are you gay?!” she asks cheerfully.
He looks at her and squints. “No!” he says. “As in no, I’m not Lem, you dumb bitch.”
“Oh. Where am I?” asks Lacey.
“Purgatory.” he says.
“Are you a demon or a Jew?” asks Lacey.
“I’m a Jew pretending to be Lem.” says the Jew.
“Oh. Why am I here?” asks Lacey.
He sighs and walks off.
Lacey watches as the Kennedys roam around on a sunny beach. Kick with her thick curls. Joe Sr., handsome and yet so extraordinarily lost.
Joe Kennedy Senior was the sort of man who…could have been someone extraordinary. Not at all extraordinarily lost. Just extraordinary. But he wasn’t. He was a failure.
Oh sure. He made millions. Millions!!!! He was startlingly…profound. But he failed in his own eyes at the only he cared about. And he died miserable at best.
He could have been…happy. But he ruined it.
And yes, he was brilliant? But…who isn’t? Or am I unaware? Because it seems meaningless after a certain line is crossed. And everyone seems brilliant then and you wonder why we even care to pedantically discuss such things. But it’s a line that’s terrifying to cross.
Many a schizophrenic has. Many an artist has. And some lovers. I’ve possibly crossed it although I’m not schizophrenic. And perhaps Joe Kennedy Senior almost did too.
It’s…illuminating for real. And you realize that things do matter. Or at least…how can they not?!?
There are no grand scenes. But you transcend the façade. And you feel…cold. Or scared? Or maybe just happy or inspired. I’m sure it depends person to person.
Some things are hallucinations. Some things are real. Lovers, artists and the insane? And the few people who…like Joe and me…feel…cold.
“I never got to the point of feeling cold.” says Joe.
“I have. Since adolescence.” says Lacey.
“It’s…scary.” says Joe.
“Then why didn’t you worry more about God?” asks Lacey.
He laughs at her.
“So then what?” asks Lacey.
“I guess I’ll just cease to exist!” he says.
“You’re joking?” asks Lacey.
“OF COURSE I’M JOKING!” he yells at her.
“Joe…this makes no sense.” says Lacey.
He smiles.
“You are soo smart.” she says.
“Yeah. Okay.” he says, looking at her pathetically.
Hemingway laughs.
Joe looks serious.
F. Scott Fitzgerald looks concerned.
“So you made a mistake I could make.” says Lacey.
“Yes.” he says.
She closes her eyes. “Did you use up all the mistake paint?”
He thinks.
“Is there an allotment?” he asks.
“I wonder.” says Lacey.
He smiles.
“I always feel like I can’t make a mistake. Did you use it all?” asks Lacey, sincerely.
He thinks.
“In all seriousness, there may be something to this, and it scares me slightly because I think back to the life that I led and by the way, I think I might have been one of your soulmates and I wonder if maybe I did make all of the mistakes that in some ways you and I both could have made. I took up all that space in people’s minds and in the context that we call reality in this fallen world and I worry that I took, I took up all the space. I used the majority of all of the paint that our souls being soulmates who could have been one for eternity, you and I could’ve been one for eternity Lacey, you and I know that that’s possible…and I worry as funny as it seems to you that I’ve created a problem because I I used up all of the mistake paint as you poetically chose to call it.” says Joe Sr..
“Oh well, I think I’ve had far better success with Great Britain than you have, although it does seem as though we both have a tendency to start World Wars. Although I would contend, and I have to say this I’m sorry, that I started mine accidentally, because I was being sadistically attacked by a hidden secret society that has become almost entirely evil. You started your world war because you were the evil one, so I suppose that was you using up all the mistake paint, case in point.” says Lacey.
“Well yes, that’s true. I’m irritated.” says Joe.
“Are you actually irritated or are you just pretending to be?” asks Lacey.
“Well while Rose is realizing that she made a joke when she said that Lem who is your twin flame as they would call it, was ‘One of Jack’s many surprises!’ considering that you’re his as they call it twin flame and you’re this flamingly beautiful woman who I have an amazing chemistry with indeed. Many surprises. Oh, no, I actually am irritated.” says JP Kennedy.
“Do you and I love each other unconditionally and that’s why I love your children unconditionally. I won’t take it to me that were together for eternity. I’m just curious.“ says Lacey.
“Yes we do and that is why you love my kids unconditionally even though Jack tried to steal your twin flame and there’s a spot is written about it to you in your subconscious somehow as God’s designed us, that Jack is just my son. See you soon!” he says to someone. “Just try understand. You’re intrigued to figure out what in the world was that? What in the world? That is all I think about?! Not this. That! And you’re more devastated to just try to process through it…but long ago it was up to Lem. And he has to explain. …And yet…that makes sense to me as a man. So what the Hhappened with you and Joe!?” asks Joe Senior of Lacey.
Lacey laughs. “Would you believe I just didn’t know?”
“And he’s more handsome.” says JP.
“Is he? Yes? But…you weren’t allowed?” asks Lacey.
“Oh. You thought I’d snub you.” says Joe Sr..
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“Why not my son?!?” asks Joe.
“No. For some weird reason I had the sense that your sons wouldn’t reject me.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. There’s a plethora of possibilities. …Why me?!?” yells Joe.
“Because…I’m not good enough.” says Lacey.
“Oh. How?!?” asks Joe.
“You’re better?” asks Lacey. “And you’re from an age of equality.”
He laughs. “The money?”
“Yes!!” says Lacey.
He looks horrified.
“You don’t have to worry. Just be honest. Did you think you needed to make billions as a woman on your own…to turn my head?” he asks.
“Yes? Possibly? Or…be a Queen?” says Lacey.
“Just to get my attention?!?” he says.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“How old were you?” asks Joe.
“10?” says Lacey. “11?”
“And you had the impression that I would despite you if if you didn’t make millions on your own?!?” asks Joe.
“Yes. Or something like that.” says Lacey.
He goes silent.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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