“Two Freds” by Lacey Banks

Everyday Is A Winding Road by Sheryl Crow plays.

Massie Dowkbrook was Lacey’s first maid. She wore leggings. She worked-out. She was bisexual. She…was a student at St. Kate’s and worked as a maid. She was older than Lacey. She was in her 30’s.

She was…

A Change Would Do You Good by Cheryl Crow plays.

Confusing. Why…the fuck…did she hate me?

“Did she hate you?” asks Lem.

It felt like it.

“The maid wanted you!” says Casi.

Yeah right! You’re a bitch!

“No. I think she’s serious.” says a gay man.

“Alright. I’ll entertain the idea.” says Lacey Banks.

Silence.

“You know she wanted you!” says Randolph Murdaugh to Lacey.

“Sure.” says Lacey. She rolls her eyes.

Randolph Murdaugh laughs. “You aren’t gay…but I also don’t think you liked her.”

“She was…violent?” says Lacey.

“She was very condescending to you.” says Mrs. Murdaugh.

“She was.” says Lacey.

“She hates and hated your guts, actually.” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“Yes. Why!?” asks Lacey.

“Because you’re sincere.” says Mrs. Murdaugh.

“Yes. But she insisted I was fake.” says Lacey.

“She did. Right away!” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“Did she doubt your wealth?” asks Mrs. Murdaugh.

“I don’t know. I wondered. …But that was no skin off my nose. …She seemed…hateful.” says Lacey.

“Yeah! She asked you weird questions and mocked you.” says Mrs. Murdaugh. “And a lot of those things happen to you with peasants.”

“Why the hell…do they do that?” asks Lacey.

“YEAH!!” says Randolph Murdaugh, with exasperation.

Lacey waits.

“You’re kind. And…you’re…humble.” he says.

“Yes!! I was…baffled.” says Lacey.

“She…hated you. But look at yourself from the outside. What does it look like?” he says.

“Like a violent peasant uprising.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. She hates you still. Passionately.” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“I’d bet that.” says Lacey.

“She believes she’s better than rich people because she wants to be rich but she was raised poor in Florida by foster parents and a drug addict mom.” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“Yes. But…that’s stupid.” says Lacey. “It’s gross.”

“Yeah. And then she doubted you were rich anyway!” says Cornell West.

“Yes! I can’t fucking keep track of all your expenses. You know? Because I’m a babysitter. And it’s too damn much.” says Lacey. “I mean this poor woman! But she doesn’t want my help. No. She wants…what? SEX?!? …So…she’s poor, hateful and my maid…but she wants sex!?! …That’s actually insane.” says Lacey.

“Okay. It is!!” says an American woman.

“Yeah. But it’s insane.” says Lacey.

“Maybe she took the job to fuck you.” says Cornell West.

“Why can just be honest!? My wife does not seem like a homosexual!!!

What the fuck!?!

You’ve not seen her and I’m coming back in time to just say this to you people…because it’s really fucking obvious that my wife wasn’t gay! And it’s really fucking obvious that that woman was a slut wanted to screw both of us and it’s very possible that I hate her and kicked her in her vagina until she bled to death in the afterlife. So don’t you fucking mess around.” yells Mark Schiebel from the afterlife in the future.

And out of nowhere Joe Kennedy Junior does a strip tease for Lacey Banks.

“I’d say, ‘Hey, no thanks!’ But he doesn’t go away so-“ says Lacey Banks.

“No, I was trying to sleep with both of them yeah. Her husband‘s making me talk to people. I’m alive right now. God works it out.

It’s just like a phone call from the future. Ask me what you want. I was an asshole to Lacey. I-I met her husband and I flirted with him, and yeah, I totally would’ve slept with either one of them.” says the maid.

“Do you want them now?“ asks a Rockefeller.

“Yeah, probably. Yep.” says the maid.

“I’m sorry, but you ghosted Lacey. She was trying to actually just be your platonic friend. No…you’re very charming. Do you have histrionic personality disorder?” asks Randolph Murdaugh.

“ yeah that’s true. I mean we’re to hang out just as friends and then I just stop talking to her. I might have some thing wrong with me. No I just decided she wasn’t cool enough. I’ll say that I’m extraordinarily cool and I just thought that she was a loser compared to me I’m better than her. I’m like infinitely better than her like. She’s a piece of scummy trash on the ground that I had to clean up and she didn’t stink but her house was messy and mine is not because I chose not to have kids because I’m better than her OK I’m on the ascendance. I’m elites because I didn’t have kids. She had kids which makes her a present I did it and I went to school in my 30s and I decided to do some thing with my life which makes first time compared to me. I don’t care what you say about social class it does exist.“ says the maid.

“ that’s nonsense. You’re a peasant did you really think that she was not as cool as you or did you just not like the fact that she wasn’t gonna give you money you told her that your car broke down and she didn’t offer you more money and you knew that her husband went screw you and sheet with you so I think you’re a con artist and you just realize you couldn’t get anything out of her and she narcissistically pissed you off unless if what was it that was uncool about her other than your imaginary complaints about her?” asks Randolph Murdaugh.

“ her house was such a mess I mean oh my God we try not to be judgmental, but it was such a mess. That’s why I hater because I don’t make masses like that. I don’t make masses like that at all.” says the maid.

“ then tell us about the house was unusually evil because you’re saying you’re basically equating the mess in the house with some sort of evil or personality disorder so messy house personality disorder is that what you’re diagnosed her with?” asks Randolph Murdaugh.

“ absolutely I would diagnose her with messy house personality disorder. If it was a disorder she has it she has that she has a clinical case of it.” says the maid. “ she’s in everything wrong with her other than that she’s basically perfect and I’m full of it. They’re obviously rich in a way that I never will be and she’s prettier than me. I’m an ugly piece of shit compared to her. I look like a fat weird like marshmallow but terrible taste and my friends are all butt ugly and stupid compared to her to OK there you go, but I don’t give a fuck about any of that. I don’t give a fuck about any of that I don’t care about any of that at all. Oh no sure I I know sir I sure don’t, but I care about is her house being messy.

I mean, it’s like a schizophrenic’s house or some weird pervert or something I don’t know if somethings wrong with her something there’s got to be something wrong with her. There’s no way to get a house at Massey without it being her damn fault I mean she’s so fucking special she’s so fucking superior it’s obviously her fucking fault. There’s a way in hell that she could be a victim on top of being that much better than me because then what the fuck do I have? She’s a victim and she’s better than me what the fuck what the fuck I didn’t write that didn’t write it off because then she’s better than me completely, and I sure as hell and I sure as hell it needs anyone, I don’t give a fuck about anyone. I’m better than everyone there is don’t know yet they just don’t know yet. They sure as hell don’t know it off. I’ll find a way to show you. I’ll finally show you how I’m better than you. I’m better than everyone I’m sure as hell I am I’m sure as hell I am.“ says the maid.

“ well, my gosh, could you and your superiority possibly tell us the details about this vile house? We’d like to understand your perspective.” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“ I all right maybe she’s not schizophrenic I mean she talks about ghosts who the fuck believes in God. She has a brain some sort of hillbilly nonsense. I know it’s not hillbilly I don’t know what the fuck they did in that house.” says the maid.

“ they didn’t do anything perverted. I think you were the one that was perverted in some particular way I don’t know if something happened to you or not sweetie, but there was nothing perverted about her. Some people who are poor and illuminati, thought the same thing for no damn good reason at all there was nothing perverted about her.” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“ oh OK I see how it goes. She’s just one of you she’s just upper class person but it’s weird because she doesn’t know the Danes and I do I was made for them for a couple of days. I was in their house once they have great art I know them I do I know the Dayton‘s.” says the maid.

“ you don’t know the date and they hired you to be their maid.” says Randolph Murdaugh.

“ but she lived in an apartment like I don’t care how much they paid for it. They paid $4 billion for an apartment no one lives in apartment when they’re rich that’s not a thing you gotta live in that I know that I’m an expert in you, I cleaned your house as I know you fucking people better than you know you’re fucking selves. Oh my God. I have never made a mistake in my fucking life. I’m better than all of you because I became a maid and then I became an expert in childcare. I take care of deaf children and you have an abusive bitch to them I don’t care about deaf children. They’re just buy bread and butter, but they worship my ass they worship me I take advantage of people like that because I’m better than everyone and you send your kids to me and guess what I don’t fucking care. They are such a jack ass is not being able to hear anything if I could smack their head into the wall I would and you’re welcome. Yeah but not seeing away. I’m a white bitch from the South you better fucking worship me bitch you better fucking worship me.” says the first maid.

“ are you serious right now with what you’re saying or is this hyperbole?” asks Randolph Murdaugh.

“ I want to hear what you saw in my house what was wrong with my house?” says Lacey.

“ no this is pretty accurate. I don’t sound quite this white trash but it’s basically what I’m saying.” says the maid.

“ so you think that you know Lacey because you have a college degree I know you think you know the Dayton because you have a college degree in your closer to their status than Lacey?” asks a woman in the Illuminati.

“ yes, that’s not accurate?” asks the maid.

“ we’ve had disagreements with that in the past, but I think Lacey is just more like a worthless piece of crap, or like a maid. I don’t know I haven’t decided yet.” says Casi.

“ are you poor and the south too?” asks the maid.

“ oh, yeah, I mean I’ve been on food stamps for over a decade. I collect perfume with my food stamps, and I prostitute myself out at times in different ways, and I married someone who would take care of me and I do drugs and I don’t have a college degree, but that doesn’t matter.” says Casi Brooke Hart.

“ hi and you’re at you’re in my yard you’re defending me not the Dayton‘s the Dayton‘s are my friends I’m friends with a Dayton‘s. I mean I’ve been in their house I’ve seen their artwork. Lacey didn’t have artwork like that she have artwork like that they could probably buy it with all the perfume that she buys and see that’s why I’m starting to think that maybe you’re right maybe that we are the elite because if I had her money I would buy what she does. I buy it with, but you should buy if you’re a Dayton I know it’s a Dayton by I mean why doesn’t Lacey decorate like those people who are preppy from Massachusetts or what the fuck ever if she’s really that special why the hell she was trying to be so original and different that’s really crummy that’s a peasant that’s a peasant mentality trying to be different than other people when you’re rich you follow that you follow the in crowd you don’t make mistakes you and I are a lot alike Seay we’re both lied I don’t care how far we are. I don’t care that they classify as his white trash we’re not buy trash that is a fucking lie. I don’t like that is a fucking life and how bet you know what I’m talking about.” says the maid.

“ you should’ve denied her service based on how messy her house was. You should’ve denied her fucking service you should’ve you should’ve kicked it kicked that little peasant bitches ass you know the Dayton’s might not be elite in the way that her family is I have a feeling they’re actually a little embarrassed right now that you pretend to know them because I have a feeling that Lacey‘s a little above them, they’re there cut them or Jewish are Trailor trash in a way because they’re not maybe even Jewish but they ran a department store sweetie and that has the connotation of Jewish blood and that’s all they have. They don’t have oil they’re not the banks they’re not Dutch old money Lacey is she’s original because she’s better than you and she doesn’t decorate like them because they’re birds watch her but she’s embarrassed for them. I don’t think she hates them as much as you want her to and hopefully they don’t hate her. If they do trust me, they become far more trashy then they probably would ever want to be.” says a dead woman.

“ i’ll tell you something I’ll tell you something I can be whatever the fuck I want to be. I know it’s right I know it’s right I know it’s right I know it’s right. Oh my God.” says the maid.

“ damn, you are insane.” says the second maid to the first maid.

“ if Lacey had had a degree from him, University of Minnesota, and married a Rockefeller would you still had a problem or would you’ve had a problem less if she had degree from Vassar grown up at Breakers and married Rockefeller?” and Queen Louise.

“ are you coming onto me?“ says the maid.

“ no I’m not just answer the question.” says Queen Louise.

“ she’s coming onto me you’re really into me. Oh my god you’re so into me you are so fucking into me. Oh my god you’re in love with me holy shit.” says the first maid.

The second maid laughs.

Chitty Bang by Leikeli47 plays.

“Yeah, I can sense it in my spirit! You go on you bad bitch, you go on!” says Chris Hayes.

“ i’m just gonna take you as a clown because truthfully speaking sweetie I’m not the slightest bit attracted to you. Could you just answer my question as aroused as you are by me?” says Queen Louise..

“ I think if you just played it right, she’d probably be with you for eternity. You just gotta learn to be more of a whore!” says JFK from Hell.

“ just ignore him that’s complete nonsense or just that’s not true ignore him. I would do that, but that’s nonsense. Just answer the question.” says Queen Louise.

“ damn, you’re annoying bitch just like Lacey Oh my.” says the first maid.

“ I will fuck these people we fuck these people all the time you guys are like beneath us all my God you want me so badly holy shit!” says a woman on Instagram, sincerely.

The Bells by Little Simz plays for the delusional in the evil peasant class.

“ in the past I would’ve been an insane asylum right but like since the 1900s and like all the changes that happened in the country that were obviously for my ballot that I am now helping children I mean they piss me off don’t get me wrong, but it’s like I teach them stuff and like I probably damaged their egos a little you know and send them on their way, but like I know I’m making a huge difference in the world.” says the first maid.

“ I know that’s not true. Could you answer the question that I just asked you while ago?” says Queen Louise.

“I would’ve hated her regardless I would’ve voice found some thing wrong with her she did me dirty she did me and Casi dirty and we ain’t gonna be going to settle. Yeah loved it too. Lame did me dirty and so did Lacey so did the Jews so did her husband I hate Queen Elizabeth. I hated her absolute hated her now I hate you to nobody. I hate you people. I hate you you are the reason why I am not what I’m supposed to be and I don’t know how the fuck you people did this to me but I’m gonna get you.” says the first maid.

“ no we didn’t do this to you. Is that your New Age theology informing you of that?” asks Queen Louise.

“ I know I know it you know it’s just I feel I feel I feel weird inside I feel really weird inside.” says the maid

“ so I don’t think the Dayton’s know you are you comfortable with hearing that or not really?” asks Queen Louise.

“ I told my friends that I was friends with them they believes me cause I don’t think I’m a liar.” says the first maid.

“ no you don’t really know them and your friends are very gullible and that’s sad.” says Queen Louise.

“ OK so here’s the problem you’ve answered a lot but you haven’t told us what was wrong with Lacey‘s house and I want you to explain what it was.” says Queen Louise.

“ i’ll tell you what’s wrong with her house um, they had like papers on the floor and wrappers and like bits of food um and they had a cheap couch and then they had one that was probably $800 and then I had a carpet for my Kia they had a television Consol from target worth $400 and an expensive TV that I’m sure that her husband bought for like two or 3000 when he first bought it and then they had an IKEA display case with expensive China in it which is why I might’ve stolen Regina or if someone I know someone that did OK and then she had this huge like curio cabinet worth probably two or 3000 full of probably thousands of dollars of perfume and then she had like a $8000 dresser or something I don’t want to thousand with I don’t know $20,000 of stuff on top and then a nice bed and some sheets she had new sheets she bought new sheets I mean they’re probably nope the whole sheets. The sheet sets probably cost like for her dollars right then yeah I mean they paid me like an extra nice tip. I mean they paid better than most people but that’s only something poor people do anyway so and then you know it’s like oh they had nice to the nice cookware are expensive food and the table was like an eight adults thousand dollar table or something I don’t Know and the chairs were that much too and then it was another IKEA thing with tons of antique books in it and that’s what pissed me off I was they had like thousands and thousands of dollars of like antiques around their house and then like books and perfume, and probably jewelry in her ring was astounding and I’m just like these people are evil slobs who spend thousands of dollars on jewelry perfume and antique furniture few antiques and then just buys crap stuff that their kids are going to get food all over that’s stupid that’s a peasant mentality.” says the maid.

“ that’s not a peasant mentality what you have it backwards sweetie she bought them. She bought the cheap stuff that kids can destroy so that if they destroyed it it was OK to destroy it.” say a woman.

“But that’s with the kids see if they don’t notice the other stuff.” says the maid.

“no that’s not true and actually I think she was trying to do like a Montessori technique with the children and letting them probably touch their food with their hands and stuff like that.” says a woman.

“ Teacher, but like who the fuck cares who is this bitch think she is?” says the first maid.

“Ahh…that’s not accurate you sound insane.” says Queen Louise.

“ OK maybe I’m not maybe I’m not insane.” says the maid.

“ I hope that’s you somehow somewhere in your yourself realizing that you were nuts and you still are a little bit potentially here’s what fascinates me, though you haven’t actually said other than the rappers, the crumbs of food and the papers on the floor what was so disgusting about her house?” says Queen Louise.

“ i’ve been I’ve seen worse, but there was weird right or something. You know what’s sad is that she tried to give me a close and I didn’t have a lot of clothes. Maybe I said that to her and she was really nice to me um… I am it’s just it was clutter. It was a lot of clutter. A lot of clutter a lot of stuff it was just it felt like chaos. Her house was just really chaotic like chaotic energy. It was just the whole thing was just absolute chaotic energy and if you’ve channel B, that’s where that whole thing came from the chaotic energy she had like chaotic energy. She’s just like chaotic, the house was chaotic that it was just all of. It was just so chaotic. It was like the stuff was just everywhere and I tried to like put it back in place. I mean they went out and bought stuff to like organize the house I cleaned, and then she start organizing things more, but it was just like I felt like I was in a television show because it was just like so it was just like chaotic and it was like I was trying to be helpful but I just it was so fucking chaotic.” says the maid.

“ have you seen her house growing up and her bedroom growing up or not?” asks Queen Louise.

“ I just looked and I’m confused because she’s never been that messy. She was never messy. She was never messy her house or her apartment growing up or her bedroom growing up and she was a little girl was a little messy but it was never that messy what the hell what the hell happened to her?” asks the maid.

“ I think her husbands a little autistic and he was abusive to her a little bit too. I’m not sure that it’s unsafe so much. It’s just exhausting. Dealing with him and I’m her kid had epilepsy and almost died around the time that she was getting help from you he would wake up 17 times a night to breast-feed and that’s like that really happened him and he’s not the easiest child to raise. He’s incredibly intelligent but he used to run away when he was at school and there was no clear reason but apparently he just felt the need to run away. He doesn’t run away from home when they were in Seattle sometimes he’d run out of the house, and his father would chase him and it was fine him but I think when he senses danger, he tends to run he doesn’t do that as much anymore he but he he does he does he does have a lot of energy so between him and her husband I think that’s what happens sweetie. I don’t think if that was just her apartment that it would’ve looked like that I don’t think she would’ve needed a maid at all.” says a woman.

“ I I didn’t think it was him though. I really wouldn’t have thought that that that it was him. I would’ve thought it was her because she’s the weird bitchy one.” says the maid.

“ what is sometimes that’s a shirt tail assures Usher a certain sign you know it’s absolutely accurate, but then they’re gonna be times when that’s not the case. No it wasn’t her just because you liked him better doesn’t mean that she was the problem. I have a feeling a lot of women have felt that way much. I think Chris Hayes felt that way being queer, and so did Aaron being a woman and being bisexual I was so possibly the entire MS NBC news room including Diego felt that she was the evil one between her and her husband but anyone that can screw a man tends to feel that way I don’t know what he does to people, but he tends to trim them and so if he’s over at faults people tented just excuses behavior if it’s him versus Lacey. Her own family does that they would support her and they know that he might have some issues, but I am he’s extraordinarily likable in a way that she’s not a part of it could just be genetic she might be too old money into old Bruster late too and so they’re really very similar at times but he’s just like a more relatable.”says a woman.

“ but women like her never marry men, like him and less if they’re after something.” says Jill Schiebel.

“ are you her step mother-in-law?” asks the maid.

“ hey yeah I am I am her step mother-in-law and I am that that was what I thought.” says Jill.

“ so you married a rich Jew?” asks a white southern man.

“ I mean maybe I don’t know if it was I was available even if I was if I was you know maybe.” says the first maid.

“ I said never marry one, but I am I will lose my mind and probably probably try to suck their cock like desperately they’re really hot.” says JFK from Hell.

“ call that is despicable that is very despicable.” says Casi.

“ but you would’ve try to sleep with her husband too.” says the maid.

“ well yeah but I mean it’s maybe didn’t try that hard. I mean you have to respect you have to respect that the whole thing it’s not appropriate.” says Casi.

“Umm Lacey why were you interested in Mark?“ asks a man.

“ I thought he was Irish I thought he was I thought he was appropriate for me I thought because of dreams that I’ve had instances that I had about things over the overtime that that you know I need to listen to myself you know I just thought it was hogwash you know, but I have dreams, but potentially doesn’t not hogwash, but potentially hogwash, but you know dreams instincts what else to listen so I thought well he’s Irish and it’s appropriate that seems to be my thing.” says Lacey.

“ oh, you thought he was Irish?” says David Schiebel.

“I did I was not aware of how curly Jewish men’s hair could be and so I thought that he was potentially Irish but that was those those curls looked Irish to me. He had very curly hair and he had been running a lot so it was bleached, and I thought you know I think he’s Irish.” says Lacey.

“ but you had a crush on Harold Loeb when you read the sun also rises what happened to that in your head?” asks David Schiebel.

“ I did yes what happened to that in my head. Good question just a second.

Oh, I guess basically, I just had a thought that maybe some thing about it wouldn’t quite work out.” says Lacey.

“ why wasn’t it gonna work out?” asks Harold Loeb.

“ why wasn’t it going to work out because I thought he might be a little better than me somehow potentially maybe not for sure, but maybe potentially just a little better than me and I wanted to be quite respectful of that I’m not that sort of person and I just thought you know this is not my place to sort of you know even consider such a thing that seriously so I mean if you’d come onto me that be one thing, but I went to thought about it otherwise.” says Lacey.

“ even though he could’ve taken your virginity, had you been born to your father earlier?” says JFK.

“oh well then yeah I mean so what if you will take your virginity people steal your money people does it burn down your house people kill your whole family and then expect you to send a thank you note that’s my experience in life.” says Lacey.

“ yeah that’s true. That has been her experience and she keeps that sane by realizing in the context of absolutely everything in a genius way she has her fathers mind and she said when she’s brilliant she’s probably frighteningly saying to people that are not seen her and she’s very good. She’s a very very good hearted person even if she could be ditzy she’s a genius and know him as possible. Her dizziness is only noticeable because of how brilliant she is. I don’t know but the point is, that’s just her experience so she’s right and I hear you the truth is I probably would have wanted her as my mistress, but she would’ve refused me, and I would’ve been ashamed of myself for even thinking of it um, but if I ever had any sort of sexual contact with her it would’ve been very hard for me to let go. I’m like that with people and she knows that and she has empathy for me, I really did try to have a really good marriage and it just it just didn’t work out and it was really actually kind of devastating to me and not to Lacey to my second wife why would I have married her? It’s not because of the class issue and they’re really isn’t one it’s because she isn’t let anyone get away with anything my second wife dead she would you suffer self but she also didn’t notice the urgent care and Lacey is not like that she holds her self accountable. She holds everyone accountable and I’ll be fucked up when I was first with her.” says Louis.

“I’m Louis.” say