Bobby’s Turtle Soup Recipe

Corinne by Metronomy plays.

Bobby takes an old turtle near the Hudson River he finds in the woods. He smashes it with a rock and then “boils it.” It’s not completely cooked.

He dumps the meat in a boiling pot of water. Adds salt. Adds fresh parsley. Adds pepper. Cooks it for a few seconds he believes are minutes.

He eats it and dies of some sort of food poisoning specifically found in turtle meat. He refuses to believe he’s dead.

The song plays.

“This is a stupid post!” says Chris Hayes.

“Why?” asks Nelson Rockefeller.

“I grew-up poor.” says Chris Hayes.

“So I should feel sorry for you?” asks Nelson Rockefeller.

“Yes! BUT…no.” says Chris.

“Yes or no?” asks Nelson.

“Yes!!” says Chris.

“Okay.” says Nelson.

“BUT…I’m better than you.” says Chris.

“How!?” asks Nelson Rockefeller.

“Because! You know how!” says Chris.

“No. I don’t. Explain.” says Nelson.

Chris Hayes laughs at him. Glares at him Lem he’s insane. “Ahh…I’m sorry. You figure it out.”

“No. Help.” says Nelson.

“Look you festering piece of trash…I’m a really big deal.” says Chris Hayes.

“How?” asks Nelson.

“I’m a secretary. I keep track of the progress of all of our brainwashing programs. ALL of them!” says Chris, on a angry tirade.

“Oh! You’re a facilitator?” says Micheal Rockefeller.

“Yeah! The whole damn world depends on me.” says Chris.

“How?” asks Nelson.

“I am…the Illuminati computer.” says Chris.

“But you’re not a computer.” says Nelson.

“Mmm…beg to differ.” says Chris, shrugging.

“I’m sorry. Do you feel you transcend social class?” asks Nelson.

“No! I’m in a higher class than you. It’s my family. Okay.” says Chris.

“Huh. But…you said you grew-up poor.” says Michael.

“I did.” admits Chris.

“So…where did your old money come from?” asks Nelson.

“I don’t know. You figure it out!” shouts Chris.

“Mmm…you have no old money in your family.” says Nelson.

“That’s not right.” says Chris.

“No. That’s reality.” says Nelson.

“I’m not a poor kid from the Bronx.” says Chris.

“Yes. You are.” says Michael.

“I hate that you know that.” says Chris.

“Okay. That’s common knowledge.” says Nelson.

“So she knew that before she started talking to me?” asks Chris.

“Yes.” says Nelson. “You used to talk about it on your show.”

“She asked!” says a hater.

“No! You talked about it on your show. You know that.” says Nelson Rockefeller.

“Okay. Well…that’s true.” says Chris.

“So you’re angry on behalf of the poor?” asks Nelson.

“No.” says Chris. “I’m not one of them. I’m better than you!”

“How does one be both?” asks the CIA.

“It’s a journalist thing?” says Chris.

“Yeah. But if there’s an Illuminati…you can’t use that excuse anymore.” says Nelson.

“So…I’m superior.” says Chris Hayes. Nervously, “That’s the moral of the story.”