(Adult content below)
“You’re not going to Heaven. You’re not going to Heaven. You’re not going to Heaven! You’re not going to Heaven! You’re not going to Heaven! You’re not going to Heaven!” says Jonah Wiley to Lacey Banks from the bottom of his heart.
“Are you masturbating right now?” asks Lem Billings of Jonah Wiley.
“Yes, actually I am masturbating right now.” says Jonah Wiley.
“Jonah do you realize that they’re talking to you or not?” asks a reader.
“What was that? Sorry that was a happy moment for me.“ says Jonah, smiling.
“Jonah the Illuminati is talking to you. The Illuminati is talking to you Jonah.” says a reader.
“I am sorry I’m just feeling really good.” says Jonah.
“Who did you have sex with just now?” asks Lacey Banks Billings.
“I had-I had sex with a woman following me. I mean not like in person, but I had sex with her.” says Jonah.
“Did she send you pictures?” asks Lacey.
“No, yeah she did. She sent me pictures. She’s been sending them off and on for a while.” says Jonah.
“Is she aware that you are intrigued by her or no?” asks Lacey Banks Billings.
“Oh no, not at all!” says Jonah.
“So you’re abusive towards people in that way.” says Lacey Banks Billings.
“Does she have any awareness of your feelings for her at all?“ asks Dr. Dre.
“Hum, yes and no.” says Jonah.
“Oh, so does she think that you’re repulsed by her but that you care about her soul or does she think that you’re attracted to her but that you’re a really godly man!? What does she think?“ asks Lacey Banks Billings.
“She probably thinks that I like have like superficial feelings for her.” says Jonah Wiley.
“So she sends you naked pictures of herself and you masturbate to them. What do you do for her?” asks Lacey Banks Billings.
“You don’t have to do anything for people like that. You don’t have to do anything for someone like that!” yells Jonah.
“Kind of like Lacey!” says Lacey.
“Except she never sent you naked pictures.” says Lem Billings.
“I, I know, but in my mind, she did you know I know she didn’t technically in my mind she did.” says Jonah Wiley.
“What did she do?” asks Lem Billings.
“I mean she sent me naked pictures.” says Jonah Wiley, lying.
“No she never sent you naked pictures Jonah. Why are you insistent on believing that?“ asks Elliott Roosevelt.
“I just I feel like I remember that!” says Jonah Wiley.
“No she never sent you naked pictures and you’re imagining that on purpose and believing it. You’re believing your own lie. What did you actually see?” asks Elliott Roosevelt.
“That’s right she was really weird about it. No, she just like sent me this message saying, ‘I find you attractive!’ And then she never said anything else or sent any pictures. I mean she said other things like, ‘God bless you! I’ll always pray for you!’ or some stupid fucking thing like that. But who wants to fucking hear that!? I’m sorry I don’t care about your trite Christian bullshit you dumb bitch! I’m a fraud obviously!!! …Simp! …I’m a very complicated person and some people get me and some people don’t, oh my God.” says Jonah Wiley, mysteriously.
“So you really are a real fraud you’re like pretending to be Christian but you’re actually just an asshole?” asks George Bush.
“Well not entirely. I mean there’s parts of it that are sincere. There’s parts of it that are sincere. Yeah, there’s parts of it that are sincere.
I do believe I am a Christian, but to be honest, I am not really as sincere or adamant or heartfelt about my faith the more you get to know me. That’s my public persona! I’ve been sorry for a while to God. …I’m just-I’m a very complicated person. I’m a genius!!” says Jonah Wiley, completely impressed with himself.
“Yeah that’s not true.
You’re not a genius Jonah. You’re kind of a dumb ass actually so why did you treat Lacey like a cheap whore? She never sent you photos of herself at all and that’s weird. She’s a romantic and she’s very well bred. What you saw was cleavage in a post on her Instagram account because you stalked her correct?” says Lem Billings.
“Hey yeah, OK? That-That is what it is. I saw some cleavage in a post and I thought it was intended for me and I was repulsed.” says a Jonah Wiley.
Later.
“We looked and it’s not there anymore. I think I was wearing a low-cut V-neck T-shirt and there was really nothing else there but my boobs were like flying up into my like neck because I have boobs and so it just sort of looked sexual and I thought it was still very tasteful and pretty, but I guess you thought it was was creepy or something? You know you are 27 and I’m 40. You could just say I look too old for you. …If I am too old for you that’s a different conversation than lying and saying that I showed you my tits or acting like I’m some sort of whore.” says Lacey Banks Billings.
“You’re not my wife!” says Dr. Moritz.
“She’s not mine either!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“She’s too sweet and Norwegian!” says the Pseudo Intellectual Father’s daughter.
“Is she sweet?” ask the Nesheims.
“Yes!!” yells Norway.
“So! Jonah you’re a fraud? …Why is Lacey so ugly!?” asks Lem.
“She’s extremely pretty. …I just…I hate…life.” says Jonah.
“No. You hate her!” says Lacey.
“No. I do.” says Jonah.
“Why!?” asks Lem.
“No, they’ve been doing this the whole time, they’ve been finding people who are totally worthless assholes and encouraging her to friend them on TikTok and Instagram with the idea of torturing her so she feels hope and then they make it look weak…because they think it’s elite. They think they’re living in a movie.” says the CIA about the Illuminati.
“Do you guys not understand that the Nesheims own billions of dollars in oil and you guys don’t!?” asks the world of the Illuminati.
“No because we can alter her blog still. And to us that means we’re golden bitch!” says the Illuminati.
“I’m just still bothered by the idea that you found me attractive and then you fell in love with me and then you were my mother. I get it it’s not pedophilic, but I refuse to accept that you’re a good person, and even though I am completely full of shit and we all are we’re desperate for you to be evil and you’re right it was just a developmental thing where it’s like you were 11 and you didn’t understand that like like what the fuck didn’t you understand what you understand about us?
Lacey…we’re cool!
Lacey…we’re in the illuminati!
Lacey…we control the Internet and we go to Apple Pay. We’re really powerful!” yells Bobby.
“You use Apple Pay? Oh my god, so do I!” says a homeless woman.
“I’ve got to be honest with y’all…you seem like poor trash peasant people who are violently trying to hold-up the Nesheims for money more than the elite.
You guys don’t seem like the elite. You seem like-like you’re holding her hostage because she’s rich and you’re all really fucked up and poor.
I kind of think that’s more of the reality of the situation…
And yet the scary truth is that you are the Illuminati…so you are running the world but in relation to her and due to how you’ve been acting for the last eight years you’re destroying the new money elite. No…you’re basically making any progress that was made socially for the last 200 years completely null and void unless if you’re Christian, or you’re a good person.
I mean it’s-it’s depressing! You can’t blame her for it though because it’s your fault so I don’t know what the Hell is wrong with you people that you don’t get it but you are the problem!
You are acting like weird homeless muggers. It’s like-it’s kidnappers in the early 1900s who you guys are.
You don’t seem elite! You truly you don’t! You seem poor. The elite I’ve studied compared to the Nesheims and the Royal Family and other people who are elite are far more sophisticated and authentically scary. No, you’re not elite. None of you are. None, of you are Chris. You’re not elite you’re just not.
You guys got into a weird cult type coven that once was the Illuminati but has since turned into something totally different. I would bet the Illuminati hasn’t existed probably since the 1980s or 90s. I don’t think this is the real Illuminati anymore. I think you people are just calling it that because that’s what it was once long ago…and at this point it’s just insane and you’re just a bunch of peasant-ass bank robbers.” says the world.
Keen to Cross the Pond 