Lacey had a long conversation with Amy Schumer and Elliott Roosevelt this morning. About what? Sex, beauty and sadness.
Turns out…Bobby Kennedy has been driving down the price of oil values in North Dakota…out of spite. Why?
Well…Bobby…hated that Lacey owned her car. Her Toyota Corolla. Way back in 2017. Lacey and her legal husband owned their car. And it was in great condition. Because they take good care of things and because they always are as responsible as they can be. And so as the (currently living) Illuminati drove down the price of North Dakota oil values…to make Bobby feel less sad.
Why was Bobby so mad? Because he compared Saoirse and Maeve’s life to Lacey’s and he realized that she was superior to them. So was Matthew Nesheim.
And so…now Matthew is dead. And Lacey is…well…Lacey. Kind of like how Egypt is also pretty impossible to get rid of.
You could theoretically drown the UK. It would be difficult to drown Egypt.
“Our people have a thing with…drowning people groups in the ocean.” explains Amy Schumer, humorously.
“Uh oh! Maybe this will be funny to both Palestinians and Jews. …Watch-out Amy! If you’re too nice, you might become the Antichrist.” jokes Queen Camilla. “We have a thing with being called the Antichrist by Charismatic Christians in our family.”
“We don’t often get that label in our family!” says Amy.
“Really!? Even if you try to bring peace between Israel and Palestinine by making good jokes?” asks Queen Camilla.
Amy thinks. “Maybe…I’m not aware of what’s being said about me behind my back.”
Queen Camilla laughs. “Charles used to be called the Antichrist all the time in the 1980’s. People even might have written whole books about it.”
Amy laughs. “Hmm. See…I’m not as worried about being killed by a herd of violent Charismatic Christians as you and your family are. …As a probable Jew…they still usually like us. Mostly! …It’s the whole Dispensationalist thing.” says Amy.
“You know about Dispensationalism!?” asks a Millennial guy.
Amy shrugs. “Yeah. …As a Jew…I have to hear about it. People witness to me all…the..time.”
“So do we.” says Queen Camilla. “Except through Lacey. …Because Charles wants to genuinely get along with people.”
Amy laughs. “Why the hell do you all have to be so careful!?”
Queen Camilla looks sad. “It started in the 1950’s.”
“I was voted out.” says Sir Winston Churchill.
Lady Diana laughs.
“You were God.” says Queen Camilla.
Sir Winston Churchill laughs. Laughs some more. “I actually did symbolize that to some people. I really did. …We were a great nation and we still are…but we did start to dismiss God’s importance in the 1950’s.”
“Well then India’s gonna be real pissed off about that!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.
And at that India gets pissed-off.
“Yeah! Bobby…Lem was probably straight.” says a guy who’s alive.
“No. We made love!!!” shouts Bobby.
“You’re too cute.” says Amy. “Men in his generation like the women in his generation weren’t cute. Lacey isn’t cute. I am. …Lacey is ultimately one of the most beautiful women alive today…and was one of the most beautiful women of her generation. But…she’s actually not cute the way I am. …She’s 40…but she’s more Greatest Generation. So…she’s not cute. She’s not like us.
Britney Spears. Midriffs. Candy. Prada Candy. …We genetically are cuter. Our sexiness was cute. Her sexiness isn’t like that. …Some Gen. X women are more like her. …But…we have being cute. It’s our thing. …And you’re more like us.” Amy says to Bobby.
“Lacey is petite!” says Bobby.
“Yeah. But that’s not actually the same generic aesthetic.” says Bill Gates.
“She’s not cute. Men who are more intelligent don’t lie about that with Lacey as much. And most of us in the Illuminati who are like me…saw it instantly. She’s very sexy…but it’s like Lana Turner. Not Britney Spears.” says Jeff Bezos.
“I’m bisexual. Or was. And I used blond women to lie about it. …But…no. …She’s actually too…sexual for me.” says Hugh Hefner about Lacey Banks Billings.
“You were bisexual!?” asks the CIA of Hugh Hefner.
He laughs. “YES! Duh. …Lacey knew. Lots of people in her generation knew. …Or wondered.”
Elliott Roosevelt nods. “Lem guessed that and that’s why he started imitating Hugh Hefner. Because he…was trying to figure out his heterosexuality as he aged. Hugh Hefner was a sexual role model for him.” says Elliott Roosevelt.
The Chain by Fleetwood Mac plays.
“Look Lem. I suck cock too.” said Hugh Hefner in confidence psychically in Lem’s head. Lem was a long-time reader of Playboy. Hugh, wearing his ubiquitous robe and shorts sits on a posh sofa crossing his legs. “Lem…I get it, man. I indulge in cock too.
But…I also like women.
And I think…you might want to consider…sex.”
“I don’t want sex outside of marriage.” said Lem, pushing up his eye-glasses in serious thought.
Hugh thinks. “Lem. You’ve been a long-time reader. …We specialize in heterosexual sex. …Are you reading the…publication?”
“Yes!” says Lem, shrugging with his arms and shoulders both.
“Then…well…think about it.” says Hugh Hefner.
Lem look horrified. Awe-inspired.
“I’m bisexual. Not gay.” says Hugh Hefner.
“Is that really different!?!??!?” asked Lem, in confusion.
Hugh laughed. “YES!!!”
Lem closed his eyes in despair and regret. But he was tough so he wanted to handle it. And he did.
“Look. You’ve got…yourself. Great. But…you need to…expand your horizons!!!” insisted Hugh Hefner, grandly.
So Lem…carefully considered it. He did. And he started co-opting the Hugh Hefner aesthetic. In his style and mannerisms. You can see it in his old age photos. He’s trying to experiment with being bisexual like Hugh Hefner. He was a rich old man who used drugs and lived in Manhattan. …He probably thought he could still get some pussy if he strategized. …But Lacey never showed up. And…he really wasn’t a loser. He wasn’t an asshole so he…didn’t want to just sleep with random women. That’s actually kind of weird. …Really.
So…he…dried up and had a heart attack before death as a mostly-virgin. Why? Because he actually wasn’t bisexual. But…for him bisexual was a bus back to straight town. …I think it was more healthy for him though than being totally unaware and tragic and thinking he was gay. So thanks to Hugh Hefner for ironically being the voice of Christ in Lem Billings’s life.
Scotia’s vagina is in 1984. And Hugh Hefner was a black knight. …Things got bloody.
“Cutting off a human head is bloody.” says Bloody Mary.
No Diggity by Blackstreet plays.
Later.
Moderato Con Brio for Violin, Harp, and Orchestra by Nicholas Britell plays.
“I died realizing I was heterosexual.” says Lem. “But…if Hugh and his aesthetic helped me…I have a weirdly righteous appreciation for Playboy. Isn’t that funny?”
“Except Lem and I made love so he was gay. I mean bisexual is not really a thing.
I guess it could be?
But it’s mostly just nonsense.
So to quote Sarah Jessica Parker, ‘I’m not even sure bisexuality exists.’” Bobby pauses for effect. “‘I think it’s just a layover on the way to Gaytown.’ I impersonate Lem like he’s my father. A father with a hot wife…I guess. And English ancestry. And height. …And a different kind of sex…than Jack and my dad were capable of.
But…I make love to him…and made love to him like a warrior.” says Bobby, sniffing back tears.
Keen to Cross the Pond 