Perverse French People IX

“Dear World,

Hey, it’s fine. This blog is complete bullshit. Jack just told me in a dream that Lacey is actually secretly a lesbian because there’s no way that a woman could be that difficult and tough and not fall apart and be in love with me.

Listen, I’m not gay I’m not bisexual identify as straight.

We can choose to identify as whatever you want to. Always! And that’s what we have to do. If you don’t let us be we will kill you or torture you or steal your soul, rightfully, because we’re the ones that are injured always never you always us, thank you!

Now in 2030 in this scenario, I am still alive with a increasingly popular Instagram gallery. The Lord has called me to Instagram. He did it in 2015. A man laid his hands on me in a worship service when I walked up front because I was desperate and suicidal. And I felt really weird and I felt really weird and so I fell down to the ground because I felt something in my spirit that made me feel like I could faint and I was just like, “Oh my god what is that?“

So in 2030 I rest assure you that we will be fine those of us who remain alive and the rest if you will be dead, so who the fuck knows what happens to you. and my boyfriend and all men prefer everything with me compared to you. Oh my God compared to you. I am a king of the fucking universe and that’s a subpar way to describe me. Women don’t know how to even P in my presence. I’m such a fucking big deal and I feel sorry for them that they can’t just be nice to me and like just kill themselves over me because I am such a big deal. Do I have feelings? Yeah, I got attacked once by a woman who wouldn’t be in love with me and I have never been the same since. Oh my God you know it’s like the worst thing that can happen to someone ever in any circumstance ever.

There is this dumb ass like 22-year-old that I like to call a child because he was so stupid compare smear and he had like 400 followers but I have like trillions practically so fuck him and he was in a fight with me over Lecrae. I mean everyone knows who Lacrae is oh my God.

Anyway, we’ll talk about Lacrae later because everyone loves Lacrae. He’s like a very big deal and he was super important to me when I had a bad day once…like…ten years ago…so everyone knows about him.

Anyway…I got into this fight with like a stupid ass 14 year old. He was just like, “I love Lecrae!” And I was just like, “OK great I don’t give a shit! Because who the fuck are you?” and he’s just like, “I’m a follower? And I want to have a conversation with you?” and I was just like, “Oh my God! I don’t have conversations with people like you! So you go away now!” and he was like, “Umm…let’s have a real conversation please!!!” and I was just like, “Get away from me Instagram peasant! Bitch please! No bitch please! …Like…do you have any fucking clue who I am!?!? …I mean oh my god!!!! Do you know who I am?!?!?”

Women constantly send naked pictures to me you guys all the fucking time in 2030. Or they used to? …Before they died? …Sometimes I still get pictures of women…and I’m like, “I don’t know where they’re coming from but clearly there are some trans women who have very big boobies. Because holy shit I see them all the time!”

I am so funny! Yeah, I’m so cool. I’m so relatable. Oh my God! You guys, everyone loves me. Oh my God! I would love me. Everyone loves me.

Oh, anyway…I just thought you were supposed to know that in 2030 I start an outreach. It’s new! I start an outreach program to Africa!!!

Yes! I feel the Lord is calling me to reach out to Africa.

And…I read somewhere on this blog like years ago that Lacey cared about Africa and that it was super aristocratic in Great Britain to care about Africa if there’s reincarnation in the Bible. And one of my boyfriends, who’s not a boyfriend cause I’m straight, told me that reincarnation could be in the Bible and I’ve started looking for it ever since…because I’m just like really bored lately. *waits for empathy from audience*

And so in 2030 I start thinking that reincarnation could be in the Bible. Because I have the Bible memorized from every angle of space.

So I’m just using like my prism-Bible-mind to analyze the idea of reincarnation from every angle.

Anyway, given my understanding of reincarnation from my Prism-Perspective I am just…really excited…to start an outreach program to Africa.

I am going to reach the Africans with the gospel of Christ. Food. And happiness and joy.

For once, and for all in all of human history…I will go save Africa.

I just wanted you to know that that’s what’s going on for real in 2030! …I am saving Africa. I will save Africa for Jesus! He is my ultimate boyfriend…and love forever and ever. AMEN!

-Jonah Wiley 2030

PS I am not a false prophet.

I am not a narcissist.

I’m straight.

I am incredibly loving, and I need money.

I have AIDS.

I have cancer and diabetes in 2030.

And worst of all I don’t love my fellow humans enough according to them because I have homophobia, and I don’t know how to cure myself of any of those things. Only Jesus can.

But…if you’d like to give me money, please do so. Okay? Because I need a new sports car now.

So please, please give me money, please. God will provide. God will provide for me. He is my provider. Bitch he should be!?? Damn. Right!? Hahahah.